Adrenaline

“Just tell me why,” He tried to speak as his voice cracked and he cleared his throat. Every part of me wanted to wrap my arms around him and apologize, tell him the truth and that everything was going to be okay, to shy away from being a coward and just be honest with him; but I wasn’t going too.

“I need to do this, Sean.” I told him gruffly as his brown eyes, which were rimmed red from all of his tears, searched for every answer as to why I was breaking up with him. “For me.”

“Is it because Sarah?” He asked with a still searching expression. I shook my head quickly and tried to push any emotion I was feeling to the deepest part of me. I should actually be going to hell for this, I told myself.

“No.” My voice came out unsteady and unreliable and he immediately caught onto it, calling me on my bullshit.

“You’re lying.” He spoke with an intense expression.

In all honestly I would have been lying if I had said the cheating incident six months prior hadn’t gone through my mind a couple of times while making my decision. But I digress that a one-time deal that he had told me about as soon as it happened, wasn’t the real reason as to why I was splitting us up after a three-year relationship.

“I’m not.” I confirmed with a more steady tone and expression. Still his emotion and expression showed that he didn’t believe me but that was all water under the bridge. I hadn’t expected it to go like this. I had expected quick, rip it off like a Band-Aid and the hurt will be felt later. This was the complete opposite; the pain, and emotions, and all the hurt that both parties were feeling were showing and being thrusted into center stage.

But I had to do this.

I had to do this, I told myself as I dusted off my ego and put on my big girl panties. It wasn’t right to string him along like this, he deserves better. He deserves a girl who treats him right and doesn’t have the laundry list of problems that I do. He deserves better.

“I love you, Sean, you don’t know or will never be able to know or understand how much you mean to me. You were my first in so many ways, and forever I’ll love you, but we need to separate and go our own ways. It’s the best for you and the best for me.”

I had went over exactly what I would say to him when the time had came to say what I needed to say, and this certainly wasn’t how I had planned it. I wished he wasn’t making this more difficult than it really was, but like myself, he was a lover and a fighter both, and he was going to fight for what he loved.

I placed my hands in his for the last time and took a deep breath as I laid my head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat. The sound, from the strongest muscle in the human body, was one of my favorite sounds in the world; it calmed me, made me happy and whole, and with a couple of words was going to be taken away from me. My body felt warm and I noticed tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. Beat, beat, and beat. Beat, beat, and beat.

You chose this, don’t bow down now; it’s what’s best for both you and him.

“I love you so much, Sean--” My voice cracked and my hands pulled away from his, turning into fists by my sides. “But this is what’s best for us.” The tears flowed freely and I couldn’t stop feeling like I was the shittiest person in the entire world. He was a good guy, a great guy, and I had just pushed him away. His demure, however, changed three hundred and sixty degrees.

“If that’s what you really want, Casey, then fine.” He pouted with a skip of heat. The punch hit me low in the stomach and I couldn’t help but feel worse. “I can get any girl I want in the fucking world. ‘I’m in the NHL,’ that’s the magic phrase.” His eyes flickered black as the anger began to set in and words that I knew he didn’t actually mean spouted out of his mouth.

“It’s what I want, Sean.” I spoke quietly as I pushed the giant, salty tears from streaking down my cheeks. His raked his hands through his short reddish-blonde hair, and pulled his Jeep keys out of the back pocket of his jeans.

“Good luck in whatever you do, Case.” He shrugged to me one last time before walking right back out of the front door of my apartment and slamming the door behind him.

“I still love you.” I called quietly to him, but he was long gone and it wouldn’t have even mattered anyways.

Long waited came the fat tears pouring out of my eyes, the hyperventilated breaths that made my lungs feel like they were giving out on me, the sick and nasty pit that I was feeling deep within my stomach, and last but certainly not least, the rooted heartache that had me feeling as if the strongest muscle in your body could physically break with a few simple words.

I not only hated myself for what I had to do, but I hated you. You changed my word in a matter of moments, and I knew no longer that I was going to be able to handle it. If none of this would have happened I would have been able to live my life normally, and I wouldn’t have had to do what I had to do. But no, you came along and the game began to change. The pieces began to shift a certain way and before I knew it I was calling game over.