You & I

Work had dragged by at a painfully slow speed. It was one of those days, when every time I looked at the clock only a minute had passed. Truth was, I hadn't come to work angry just a little annoyed if anything, with growing agitation, like when a fly keeps trying to land on you and won't feck off. The longer I had to think things over and the more my frustration grew.

Why. Why hadn't Chris simply spoken to Jackson, or even me, before making accusations? Just as I was beginning to move on and actually be happy for once in my life, in a nice, normal relationship, he had to stir shit up.

The minute Cooper dismissed me I headed over to see Chris. I stood on the doorstep knocking relentlessly until he answered. "Grace? Hi." His expression of happy surprise turned to a frown when he saw my own - face of fury.

"What's up?" He asked quizzically.

"What's up?" I mocked him in anger. "What the hell Chris?"

He made an 'O' shape with his lips as he moved aside to let me by. "You've spoken to Jackson."
Chris was rubbing the back of his neck and looking at me sheepishly. It was going to take more than that.

"Yeah I've spoken to Jackson, and obviously he told me what you accused him of. Geez Chris, it was his sister for fucks sake."

It was like something had switched in his mind and he was suddenly the angry one. "I'm sorry ok? I forgot Jackson was so fucking perfect." He sighed and leaned against the closed door. "I am sorry Grace. I saw them hug and he kissed her cheek, and yeah I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I just didn't want to see you get hurt."

"I can take care of myself - I always have. The last thing I need right now is you scaring Jackson off." I sighed and sat on the arm of the couch. I was struggling to put a lid on my anger. It wasn't solely directed at Chris anyway, more the situation. But I had let my emotions run because it was easier that way.
"You don't get it, how could you Mr Moviestar? You don't understand how hard it is for someone like me to find someone I like and who actually likes me in return."

Chris scoffed, but fell silent for a moment before looking over at me. "And is Jackson who you really want?"

"Yes." It sounded so sure, so final despite the creeping doubt inside me.
"He tells me what's on his mind and he doesn't play games. Things are simple with Jackson."

"Nothing's ever simple."

"It can be, and I like simple. I like uncomplicated and easy." I caught his eye - and there it was. The chance that my resolve could crumble right there in front of him. When I wasn't with him it was easier to push my feelings down, and I knew what I had to do for the best. For the sake of any future happiness I could have with Jackson. I stood. "I can't do this anymore. It's eating me up inside. I'm finally ready to stop running and I need stability and I want to care for someone and for them to care about me. I can have all that with Jackson, but not if I'm around you. We can't be friends anymore Chris."

"Wait," his brows furrowed. "We can't be friends?" He asked incredulously.

"I expect more off you than you can give me."

"Grace," Chris moved away from the door and took a step towards me. "Do you have feelings for me?"

In normal circumstances I suppose it would have been a laughable question, but he said it with no shift in to humour.

"I have to go."
Chris was blocking the way and when I tried to move around him it was easy for him to put out a hand to stop me.

"No, you're not leaving until you tell me the truth. "

I stayed mute, scared of what would come spilling out of my mouth if I tried to explain. Hoping that this way he would just give up and let me go.

"You're scared of commitment of any kind, that's your problem Grace," he began. "It's why you hesitated over moving in with Tara, and why you didn't put up a fight to keep Fudge. Why you haven't spoken to Cooper about your future, because it would give you more responsibility. And now you're blaming me because you're having doubts about your relationship with Jackson."

"That's not what I'm doing!" I snatched my arm free of his grasp. "Stop analyzing me as if you know everything about me."

"I know you better than anyone. You give off this air which makes people think that you're strong, but you're not, you're just a coward."

His words were biting, because they were the truth.
I'm not a naturally violent person. I think it's pretty apparent by now that physical violence isn't my go to defence in uncomfortable situations. So it came to a shock to both of us when I slapped Chris hard across the face. And after that initial shock came one of those eye-roll moments for cynical viewers when sudden aggressive passion turns into something else. I'm not sure who kissed who. I think it was Chris who made the first move - not that it mattered as I kissed him back.

- and then from some still conscious place far back in a dusty corner of my brain I remembered. I actually did care about Jackson. Those real feelings had taken root despite everything else and I couldn't consciously be one of those people.

I focused on this alone when I pushed away from Chris and ran out the door.