You & I

"Where are you going?"

"Just for dinner. We'll probably go for drinks after." I sat down on the couch next to Tara so that I could lace up my boots. She had contorted her long legs into some kind of frog like sitting position, so that she could paint her toenails.

"Bring me back something."

I glanced over at her. "I've just seen you demolish a double meatlovers sub."

"And?" Tara shrugged without a care. I just shook my head and stood up, beginning the search for my beloved grey jacket.

"Jackson hasn't been over for a while," Tara said randomly.

"He's been busy with the store, and obviously I've been busy with work now that Cooper's giving me more responsibility." I rifled through the a pair of clothes on a chair. "Why am I the only person in this apartment who puts shit away?" I grumbled, throwing a purple sweatshirt of Tara's at her head.

"So you haven't been avoiding Jackson because you feel guilty?" She asked.

"Guilty?"

Tara had thrown the sweatshirt into the empty space next to her and was checking that her nail polish wasn't smudged. Her attitude was as casual as her actions when she spoke. "About your feelings for Chris."

I pushed back the hair which had fallen over my face. "It was just a crush. Geez, how many times do I have to say that?"

"Until you believe it? I've never seen you this cut up over someone before. You can try a million different ways to convince yourself, and everyone else that you're not bothered but clearly you are."

"What the hell is this, some kind of intervention?" I honestly wasn't sure if I was more angry or confused in that moment. "You encouraged me to date Jackson."

"That's when I thought it was only a crush," Tara replied. I couldn't remember a time when she had been so serious. All her attention was on me, and I couldn't remember a time when she had been so serious. "You're a friendly kid Grace, everyone likes you, but you never let anyone in. I get that it's always been your way of protecting yourself, but you're grounded now, you've never been this settled." She sighed and leaned forward. "I do like Jackson, he's a good guy but he's not the guy."

"Maybe he is the guy" I bit back, but even as I said it I was aware of the lack of conviction behind my words. Any comeback she might have had was put on hold by the sound of the door buzzer. I went over to press the button and let Jackson into the building. "I'm going to get my jacket," I muttered in Tara's direction, leaving her to open the door for Jackson.

I stood in the center of my room, not making any attempt to find my jacket or something else to put on. Everything Tara had said was echoing in my mind, bringing up all of the doubt and questions that had drifted into my mind over the past few weeks.

Subconscious movement took me to the shelf near the window which held my collection of snowglobes. I reached out and picked one up. It was my favourite of all; a blizzard whirling around a tiny black and white London.

As I watched the tiny snowflakes fall I was all too aware that Jackson was waiting for me. I really did care about him. Truly, you have to believe that if nothing else. He was sweet and cute and caring, he was nice, he was safe. He didn't always get my humour but he never made me feel like the quirky weirdo I did around most people. Jackson was funny, but he never made me laugh until I got stitch in my stomach. I still wasn't so comfortable with him enough to tell him everything. He could make me blush, but he couldn't make my skin tingle, make me feel electric and distort my focus. There was only one person that had stirred up every emotion to such a height, and he wasn't waiting for me in the other room.

So what are you going to do now Grace?

You know how in the movies, the protagonist fools themselves into believing they're happy with their partner? Until those last few minutes when they confess their love for someone else and everything turns out happy? Yeah, this wasn't going to be one of those times.

I knew what I had to do, because it was the right thing. And I wasn't holding out any hope for an amicable Meg Ryan moment. Seriously, fuck you Meg Ryan, for making all us normal girls think this was going to end in an easy friendship.

I went back out into the living room. Tara and Jackson were talking, and despite everything she had been saying not ten minutes ago, she was her usual breezy self with him. I forever envied her for that. She always said what she thought and seemed able to just move on. She looked over at me as I came in and picked up my jacket from the couch beside her. "I was sitting on it," she confessed sheepishly.

"Could you give us a moment?" I asked her softly. She bit her lip and moved from the couch without question, sensing what was about to happen.

When I turned to Jackson he had a frown on his handsome face. "What's wrong Grace?"

There was no good way of saying it, but there were a thousand better ways of working up to it then just blurting it out as I did.

"I kissed Chris."

It was as though he'd been waiting for it and his expression was heartbreaking.
"I knew..." Jackson took a step back, away from me. "I knew there was something going on. The way you are around each other, how he reacted when he saw me with Zoe." His voice grew distant. The was a flicker of anger in his eye that looked set to turn into a full on fire. "God the way he looks at you. I can't believe I was so fucking stupid to believe you when you told me that the two of you were just friends."

"Nothing else happened," I took a step towards him slowly. "You don't have to believe me, but it's the truth. I haven't even spoken to him since it happened."

I made no other attempt to move. Jackson stood there silently for the longest time, hurt and confused. There was a wildness to him that reminded me of a cornered animal ready to strike. I fought back everything I wanted to say and gave him the time to process.

"Was it only once?"Jackson asked finally.

"Yes. I ended it and left."

"When?" He looked up at me. "When did it happen?"

"The day I went over to talk to him about you and Zoe."

"So you went around there to put him straight, to fucking defend me and you ended up sucking face?" Jackson's anger was back with a renewed strength. "Did you ever actually like me Grace? Or was this all some childish game to make him jealous?"

"I care about you Jackson, so much. That's why I had to tell you." My eyes were stinging, and I realised how much I just wanted to sit down and cry. But I didn't deserve to, I had to finish this. "I'm so fucking confused right now Jackson, and I'm not being fair to you. You deserve better than me."

"But I only wanted you."
He gave me one last deafening look and walked out of the door.