The Negative Struggles of a Teenage Mind
One Hundred Sleepless Nights.
You've wedged your way into every though I have, and I hate you for this. You don't notice me anymore, I ruined everything. All I have left is a daunting migraine and a heart filled with confusing thoughts. What do these feelings even mean?
All I really want to do is sleep away my worries, a temporary solvent for something I can't understand.That's what I'm craving. I'm worried about my future, the things I can or cannot accomplish in a short lived life. I'm worried about you, you and me together, you and her, everything. I seem to be worried about everything imaginable. I would be utterly happy if I wasn't stuck on these thoughts of you. I hate this feeling. The anxiety, the OCD, all of it. Just go away. You're not welcome here.
I'm happy, sometimes. But the feeling never lasts. At least not now. I always think, maybe, if he likes me, everything would be better, But he doesn't, so it's not. I tell everyone not to be weak, don't let him control your mind, or your brain for lack of a better word. "Be strong." I say. But no one knows, that if he were to walk into this room, at this very moment, I would be completely hypnotized, weak. I'm a hypocrite. Because I don't want anyone to feel this way.
This sucks, I'm not in control. He doesn't even realize how he makes me feel, even after all these years. He doesn't realize that I would be up for anything he suggests. He's like my Kryptonite. How sappy and lovesick is that? I think... he means more to me than any boy my age should. I crave his look, his touch. In an innocent gesture, of course. Like his calloused fingers brushing mine as he passes me something to go around the circle as we pretend to not have a past together. I can't breathe. I glance up, as he looks away. His mind already flitting off to some other thought, his mine racing past mine. After all, he's oblivious to these moments, and how long after these moments stay with me.
I miss the time in my life when I had no worries. I miss the feeling of being content with everything that surrounded me. Never wanting more, no fears of never getting enough of any one person. I miss the innocence of youth. I miss my only worry being what game to play, not what future do I want for myself. I miss hating boys, not wanting them to want me. I miss not caring.
All I really want to do is sleep away my worries, a temporary solvent for something I can't understand.That's what I'm craving. I'm worried about my future, the things I can or cannot accomplish in a short lived life. I'm worried about you, you and me together, you and her, everything. I seem to be worried about everything imaginable. I would be utterly happy if I wasn't stuck on these thoughts of you. I hate this feeling. The anxiety, the OCD, all of it. Just go away. You're not welcome here.
I'm happy, sometimes. But the feeling never lasts. At least not now. I always think, maybe, if he likes me, everything would be better, But he doesn't, so it's not. I tell everyone not to be weak, don't let him control your mind, or your brain for lack of a better word. "Be strong." I say. But no one knows, that if he were to walk into this room, at this very moment, I would be completely hypnotized, weak. I'm a hypocrite. Because I don't want anyone to feel this way.
This sucks, I'm not in control. He doesn't even realize how he makes me feel, even after all these years. He doesn't realize that I would be up for anything he suggests. He's like my Kryptonite. How sappy and lovesick is that? I think... he means more to me than any boy my age should. I crave his look, his touch. In an innocent gesture, of course. Like his calloused fingers brushing mine as he passes me something to go around the circle as we pretend to not have a past together. I can't breathe. I glance up, as he looks away. His mind already flitting off to some other thought, his mine racing past mine. After all, he's oblivious to these moments, and how long after these moments stay with me.
I miss the time in my life when I had no worries. I miss the feeling of being content with everything that surrounded me. Never wanting more, no fears of never getting enough of any one person. I miss the innocence of youth. I miss my only worry being what game to play, not what future do I want for myself. I miss hating boys, not wanting them to want me. I miss not caring.