Carry On

My eyes burned and my arm was sore. Waking up like this wasn't like waking up from a hangover. When I was hungover I could hardly remember anything from the night before. I wish I could just wake up clueless. But I knew what I had done the moment the sunlight hit my eyes. I had tried to do the unthinkable… and failed. I couldn't even do that right. I sat up, using my right arm for support. Looking down I could see my left arm poorly wrapped in patches of gauze. It didn't even sting like I thought it would. I was just sore. I felt like there was a fifty pound weight resting on it.

"Liz?" A voice asked and I turned to see Zacky sitting there. Of all people to find me like this I didn't want it to be him or Gena. Luckily Gena wasn't beside him. Just him. Sitting solemnly in an armchair that wasn't his. I looked around for the first time and realized I was in Matt and Val's master bedroom. I could tell by their wedding picture on the nightstand and the beautiful drapes courtesy of Val's good taste.

"You found me?" I asked and he shook his head. He sniffled a bit, wiping his nose before blinking a bit.

"Matt did," He said and I was speechless. I could suddenly recognize the tattoos that were wrapped around me the previous night, and I was an idiot for not realizing it before, "You tore out of that parking lot like a madman," He started, "Brian parked his car on the other side of the school, but Matt parked by you. He was pissed that you were driving like a maniac, so he followed you. He said you were driving around eighty, and he lost you after you ran a red light.

"He went into the house and told Val to wait in the car. He said he was really pissed at first. He said when he walked into the house he heard you scream from upstairs, and he thought you were in trouble or something. So he went up there calling for you.

"When he heard you sobbing he panicked. He said you were crying like something he's never heard before. He… He was really worried about you, Liza. And he was even more freaked when you wouldn't open the door. You started screaming I guess, and he knew something was wrong. He broke the lock to your door and saw you… Like that I guess," It was hard for Zack to choke the words out, as if it were him who had found me instead of Matt.

"Anyways, Brian wasn't home yet. With Val in the car, she couldn't hear him yelling for her. He applied pressure to your cuts. He was holding you, trying to keep you awake. You were screaming at someone who wasn't even there, and he was so scared. When he heard Brian's car pull into the garage, he started yelling for him. Your Dad thought that you were in trouble for something again, so he ran up.

"When he walked into your room Matt had set you on the floor so he could access your arm better, to try to stop the bleeding. Your Dad," He stopped. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, "Your Dad hasn't said anything since."

"Why are we here?" I asked.

"The blood in your room was making your Dad sick. Matt's the closest, and his car was already running. They didn't take you to the hospital because the cut wasn't as deep as you probably thought it was. It looked a lot worse than it actually is. They called everyone and Lacey, as you know is a nurse, made sure you were going to be okay. The cut was deep, but not enough to… you know."

That's a shame.

I took in a deep breath, breathing air I shouldn't be breathing. Zacky leaned over and kissed my forehead, "Matt told me to tell him as soon as you were awake. He was sitting in here all night, but he needed sleep. He just went to sleep maybe thirty minutes ago when I took over," He said.

"And Dad?" I asked.

"He was on the phone with your mom a while ago. I think he needed some sleep too. It wasn't a pretty conversation, as you can imagine," He stated before getting up and walking out the door.

I waited in Matt's extremely comfortable bed. The windows were large, an ocean view just like my own. The curtains covered half of the view, but I could still see the waves softly rolling into the horizon. I sighed. I didn't even want to face Dad like this, let alone Matt. I was hoping Zacky was standing somewhere near because I can't handle Matt yelling at me right now. He should have just let me die.

I heard him before I felt him. His heavy footsteps on the carpet. Scuffling over to the side of the bed. To my surprise his arms were around me. Not roughly, but tenderly. As if he would break me. His fingertips tightened around my waist and I sighed. He pulled away and my eyes widened at the sight of him. His eyes were dark, not the usual bright hazel they usually were, and bloodshot. He obviously hadn't slept. I would have known that even if Zack didn't tell me. His lashes were wet like he had been crying and his cheeks were a soft rose. He almost reminded me of a small child, crying from a scraped knee.

What I noticed the most though, was the amount of blood still on him. His shirt, a white button-up that once had a tie, had bloodstains on the front. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and I could see where his skin was red from attempting to scrub the blood off his hands and arms. He looked like he just came out of a horror movie.

He stared at me for a long time before he leaned over and kissed my cheek, "I thought we lost you," He said softly.

"Almost," I replied flatly.

"Jesus, Liz. You have no idea how terrified I was. You could have killed yourself."

That was the plan.
"Yeah," I muttered and he sighed.

He placed a hand on my head soothingly, "I know I'm hard on you, Liz. I know sometimes I act like your father. It's only because I love you. You're like a daughter to me, you know. And when Michelle left, someone had to help Brian out. It wasn't fair that he had to raise you alone."

It wasn't fair that he had to raise me at all.

"Liza, no matter how upset your dad gets at you, he'll always love you. And he would never want to see you like the way I saw you… You were so… different."

You don't say?
"I still can't believe it was you," I whispered, not meaning for him to hear. He raised an eyebrow, "You called me Sweetie. You tried to convince me my Dad wasn't mad. Never in my entire life have you ever been that nice to me."

"Liza," He said sternly. He moved off the chair and got onto the bed, pulling me into his side. His hand on my shoulder and his chin on my head, "I know I've been hard on you, but don't ever think that I don't love you. I say things to you just to kick you in your ass so you're motivated to do better. I know sometimes I can be pretty mean, and I'm sorry. But..."

I pulled away and looked up at him. His eyes were starting to water a bit. So much that he had to look away for a minute, "Never, in a million years, would I want this," He pointed to me bandaged arm, "To happen to you. You could murder someone or become a drug dealer, I don't know. But I would never want this, Liza."

"I guess I knew that," I lied and he sighed.

"You were screaming," He said softly, "You were screaming that you wanted to die." He turned his body so he was facing me completely now, and I did the same. He took in a deep breath, "Did you really want to die?"

"If I didn't then I wouldn't have done it," I replied. His eyes stared into mine before he looked away, getting up silently and walking out of the room.

I wish I would have remembered to cut vertical and not horizontal.

-

"Michelle, I promise everything is okay," Brian stated calmly. As calm as he could anyways. He was still feeling woozy from seeing his daughter's blood all over his brother-in-law and his heart beat hadn't slowed down since.

"Everything is okay!?" She yelled, "My daughter just tried to kill herself, Brian. How the hell does that make everything okay?" She demanded and he sighed.

"She's hit a bump, Michelle. It's not as serious as you think. Matt walk-"

"Oh, Matthew," She spat, "Is he still taking care of her when you should be?" She asked.

"Don't throw this on me, Mich. I did my damn best to raise a child that you couldn't!" Brian protested, voice getting louder.

"She was eleven when I left Brian! I did all of the groundwork for you, and you still managed to fuck it up! You obviously weren't the father I thought you'd be," She spat.

"Listen to me," He growled, "I'm more of a parent than you'll ever be, because I was here for her. I had help along the way, but it was me who was always there, not you. I managed to stay in the band, tour, record, and get her to school on time. Don't you dare put me below you. I know I'm not the picture-perfect father you wanted for her, but I'm the best she'll get. And I'll be damned if I let anything happen to her."

"Well, you did let something happen to her, Brian," She argued, "You let our daughter run home and jab a fucking knife into her arm. Are you proud?" She screamed.

"I can't fucking deal with this right now, Michelle. I'm going to check on my daughter. Goodbye," He stated before ending the call, tossing his phone onto the table with a thud. Lord did he want to punch something. He was exhausted, worried, confused, all at the same time.

He heard footsteps and turned around, seeing Matt reach the bottom of the stairs. Brian cringed at the blood still on Matt's shirt. Both of them had been too focused on Liza to change out of their blood-stained clothes, "She's awake," Matt stated.

"Did you talk to her?" Brian asked softly.

Matt nodded, "She's a mess, Brian."

"How is she acting?"

"Normal!" Matt exclaimed and Brian raised an eyebrow, "Like nothing is wrong. She woke up as if she didn't just try to run a knife across her arm."

"So she's healing. She heals a lot faster than others," Brian argued, dread building in the pit of his stomach, and Matt shook his head.

"The kid should be trembling right now. If I had just nearly lost my life from trying to commit sui-"

"Don't say it," Brian interjected and Matt stopped, taking in a deep breath.

"If I had almost died, then I'd be acting a lot different than what she is right now. And you know you would too, Brian. The kid needs some major therapy because I don't think..." He paused, "I don't think she's all there."

"Liza is not mental," Brian growled, "She's in a little trouble, but she's not mentally challenged, so don't say that. She just needs to have a talk and she'll be fine."

Deep down he knew that wasn't true.

-

"Hey," I heard Dad as he walked into the door. He looked just as bad as Matt, if not worse. Then again, he did have to make a call to my mother. He too still had on his dress shirt from my concert, the sleeves rolled up and his tie was loosened. Half of his shirt was untucked and I could see some blood on his black slacks. As he inched closer to me I found myself moving my arm so it was hidden under the sheet, "Does your head hurt or anything?" He asked.

"No," I replied and he got on the bed with me.

"How's it feel?" He asked.

"It's sore. Like a truck ran it over. I'll be okay," I shrugged and he sighed deeply. He wrapped an arm around me, and even though I hated him, I leaned into his side. The last time he held me was when I was eleven. I cried just before he called Zack to come pick me up when we found out mom had left. "You can cut the shit, Dad. I know you're pissed at me," I said suddenly and his arm tightened around me.

"Jesus, Liza. I'm pissed, I'm worried, I'm scared... But most of all," He looked down at me, "I'm happy that you're alive."

"Well, here I am," I muttered.

"Liza, you know I love you. And you know I say things to you to just make you better. What I said about your performance was nothing to do this over," He motioned to my arm. "Your life is worth a lot more than something I said. And I know I'm harsh at times, but Jesus..." He breathed, "You have it so much better than everyone else, Liza. There are kids who don't have either of their parents, living on their own in his shitty economy, and they still want to live."

I'm getting sick of hearing this.
"Well, Dad, just because someone has it worse doesn't change my situation at all," I snapped.

"That is no way to think, Elizabeth," He retaliated, sitting up straighter to send me a look, "That's not how I raised you. I know you just had a sudden urge when I yelled at you, and you acted upon it."

So that's what they thought it was?
"You're right," I breathed, "I'm stupid and I wasn't thinking. It was just a spontaneous event," I agreed, my head hanging low as I looked at the blood that had seeped through the gauze through the night.

"I'm glad we can get past this. You know we all love you, Liz," He said softly.

"Yeah, I know," I muttered and he kissed the top of my head.

Despite my arm being sore, and not really wanting to be around my dad, I lifted my bad arm and wrapped it around his waist. He used his other arm to protectively place it over me. I don't know why I did it, but then again I really did. I guess that even though I know my Dad will always be confused, and my family will never understand, and my mom will never come home... I can just change that for a few minutes.

For a while I could just pretend.