Carry On

I didn't come to until I felt fingers running through my hair. I was still too exhausted to open my eyes. Half-dreaming, half-awake. So I continued to lay there and I felt them at the top of my head, and they traveled all the way down until my hair tangled at the bottom. The bangs in front of my face were brushed away and I felt a soft hand on my cheek.

"She went to sleep not too long ago. She didn't want to go upstairs to the guest room," I heard Val say. I assumed it was Matt caressing me then, like I was the daughter he wished he had.

"She's been waiting for you," Matt added, to my surprise.

It was then that I forced my eyes open, realizing that it was neither of them in from of me. I was brushing the sleep away from me as soon as I saw Dad in front of me, "Dad?" I asked, my voice coming out weak from being asleep.

"Hey, sleepy-head," He smiled.

"You came back," I said softly and a look of pain and sadness flashed across his eyes.

"Let's go home," He said and placed an arm under my neck and another behind my legs. I curled up in his chest as soon as he lifted me. I didn't realize the time when we walked outside. The air was cool and fresh, but the sky was still dark.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"It's two in the morning," He replied and I smiled a little. He actually came for me first instead of going home to get some sleep. He set me in the car and it wasn't long until I felt us moving down the street. He drove slow, making a few turns along the way to get us back to our own house. We only lived five minutes away from Matt.

I heard the car turn off and he was at my side again. This time I was fully awake and I opened the car door myself. Still, he wrapped an arm around me so I could at least lean against him as we went inside, and he forgot about his bags in the car. "I didn't mean to wake you. You probably won't be able to go back to sleep now, huh?" He asked once we were inside.

"No, but it's okay. I can sleep tomorrow," I shrugged.

"I'm not really tired either. We can watch some TV for a while," He smiled and I raised an eyebrow at him.

"You're not going down to the studio?" I asked and he shook his head.

We sat down on the couch. There's nothing on television at two in the morning. We sat there in silence. We both wanted to say something, I could tell. The way he would tense up, then relax, then tense up again. It was the best thing he could do besides pacing. He didn't want to worry me about something.

"You left me," I said softly and I saw him tense again. His fist clenched, arm flexed. His jawbone tightened and he turned to me.

"I would never leave you, Liza," He stated slowly. As if it would make me understand.

"But you did," I said and I tried to hold back tears.

He was in front of me in an instant. Off the couch, kneeling before me with his hands on my shoulders, staring intently at me, "Liza, Sweetie, I would never leave you like that."

"But you did, Dad! You left when I was gone and you sent Matt to collect me! Just like when she left you had Zack come for me!" I exclaimed and I saw the most hurt expression on his face.

"Liza, I couldn't leave with you here, don't you understand?" He asked and I realized he was breaking down as well. His voice faltering, his eyes glazed. He was cracking. "I wouldn't be able to leave had you been here!" He argued, "There's no way I could look at you and turn my back on you. Not like she did."

I sobbed, tears blurring my vision and my shoulders slumped. I remembered the way Mom looked at me, and I remembered her turning away.

"Liza," He took one of my hands and gulped, "I physically could not do it," He choked, "The thought of turning around, knowing you're watching me walk away..." He paused, "I couldn't do it."

"I didn't think you'd come back," I confessed and he closed his eyes, grimacing.

"I know," He whispered, "I knew you would think that if I told you I was going to New York. I know you, Elizabeth," He stated, "I knew you would have fought and I would have given in. All you had to do is tell me to stay, and I would have. But I had to go, Sweetie, don't you understand?"

"I know," I nodded, "You got in trouble because I'm stupid and I fuck everything up."

"No, no, no," He shook his head rapidly, "I fucked up," He said, "Daddy fucked up this time," He said.

And suddenly I was eleven again.

-

"Liza? Where's Mommy?" Dad asked as soon as he walked in the front door, shutting it with his foot. Her car was gone, but I was still waiting by the window She left over an hour ago. But I still sat there, hoping if I was a good girl that she would come home.

"New York," I said flatly and his face drained. His usual beach tan was gone as he turned pale as a ghost and he froze, "She said there's something for you on the counter. I'm not allowed to open it before you," I stated, voice flat. Emotionless.

He walked quickly to the kitchen counter. I followed. I wasn't sure why I so desperately wanted to know what the package was. I knew what it was. Deep down I really knew everything would be final. I wouldn't have a Mom anymore. Before I didn't have a Dad. How the roles had changed.

He ripped the first envelope open. Mom's beautiful cursive gracing the front. 'Brian' was scripted across. He yanked out the clean white paper she had grabbed from his office, Mom's handwriting filling the page. She didn't even write a lot. She didn't have anything to say to him, really. She just wanted to make it look like she tried.

I watched Dad break. I watched as his dark brown eyes, mirroring my own, became darker. They widened, then closed, then opened again. He finished the letter and I watched as tears filled his eyes. He tossed the letter aside as soon as he was done and took the larger manila folder. He, just like the other, ripped it open. He yanked the series of papers out, all stapled neatly together. His face faltered. I would later find out that these were the official divorce papers. Mom had already taken the liberty of filling her half out. All Dad had to do was sign and date.

His eyes closed and he winced, a sob breaking through him as he realized that his wife had skipped town and left nothing but divorce papers for him to sign.

"Daddy?" I asked and he stood up straight, forgetting what he just read so he could be strong with me, "What's going on?" I asked.

He kneeled down to me, "I messed up," He said softly, "Daddy messed up this time," He whispered.

"She's not coming back is she?" I asked and he shook his head, ready to cry again. I went to place my arms around him but he stood, pushing me away as he pulled out his phone. He dialed quickly and he waited for the other person to answer.

"Zack?" He asked and I looked up at him, "She... She's gone," He choked out, "Michelle left," He whispered and I could hear Uncle Zacky asking questions in the background, "I-I need you to come get her," He said and I knew what was happening. He was getting rid of me too, "Please, Zack. You don't understand. Just come get her," I heard Zack say something before Dad hung up and he turned to me.

"Daddy?" I questioned and he was in front of me again, yanking on my wrist to take me upstairs.

"Sweetie, you're gonna go with Uncle Zack for a while, okay?" He asked.

"But why?" I choked out.

"Because you have to. You're too young to understand, Sweetie."

"But I want to stay with you!" I protested.

"Liza, please don't do this. Will you be a good girl and listen to Daddy?" He asked but I remained frozen, eyes dark and glaring, "Listen to me, Liz. Please go with Uncle Zack."

"But I don't want to," I sobbed.

"It's going to be okay, Liza. Haners don't cry, remember? It's going to be okay," He whispered. He was lying. Things would never be okay ever again.

-

Suddenly it stopped. My crying ceased and I looked at Dad, still kneeled in front of me. His eyes still pleading with me to understand. To forgive him. I sat up straight and pinned my shoulders back. I put a hand on his shoulder, "It's going to be okay, Dad," I said and he looked at me bewildered, "Haners don't cry, remember?"

"Oh, God," He looked down another sob racking through is body, as if he was ashamed. I'm doing what he wants me to do. I'm doing what we're meant to do. "No, Liza..."

"It's going to be okay," I lied.

He ran his hands over his face, "I failed you didn't I?" He asked and suddenly all at once my tears were back. I guess we both failed.

"No, Dad, you didn't," I stated.

"I'm sorry I was such a terrible father," He sobbed.

"No, Daddy, you weren't," I confessed. He sat up again, pulling his phone from his pocket. I watched as he scrolled down his contacts, "What are you doing?"

"I'm calling Zack," He said softly. I growled, grabbing the phone out of his hand and tossing to the other end of the couch. He didn't even have the energy to reach for it, "Liza," He said, "You deserve better than this."

"But I need you, Dad!" I shouted, "Why is it that every time a problem happens you send me away or you run away!?" I yelled.

He looked down, unable to answer, "I just wanted what's best for you."

"I just need my Dad," I choked out, "I just need you," I said softly.

He looked up at me, "Come here," He whispered and he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me as I sobbed. He didn't stop. I held on to him as if he really were going to leave. I held on to him like he was Mom, about to leave for New York. I held on to him like I should have done with Mom. Maybe then she'd still be here. Maybe then life wouldn't suck. Maybe then I'd still want to be alive. I had him by the sleeve of his leather jacket and he held me like I was his childhood teddy bear.

"Don't leave me," I sobbed.

"I won't. I promise I won't," He was crying too. He never stopped.

I guess Haners do cry after all.