Carry On

Brian saw his daughter walk out. He looked at her, expecting her to be crying or angry. She was blank. Not a single emotion on her face, and that terrified him, "Are you okay?" He asked softly. She just looked at him.

"I'm sick," She stated, "But I could have already told you that," She said before sitting down on the couch.

Before he could reply, Stephanie was calling for him. He sighed, standing up and heading into the office and shutting the door behind him. He sat down and waited impatiently. Stephanie was silent, looking through her various notes she had written on Liza. From his spot on the couch he could see that several pages were filled, and that worried him more, "She told me she was sick. Did you tell her that?" He questioned.

She looked up at him, "She asked me a question. I told her I would provide an honest answer. Your daughter has various issues that need to be dealt with, but we're going to talk about you first." Brian wasn't pleased, but agreed, "Did you at any moment feel that you didn't want Liza apart of your life?" She asked and he furrowed his eyebrows.

"What? No," He snapped.

"You're quite young for a father. You would have been seventeen when Liza was born, right?" She asked and he nodded, "And as a teenager you didn't have those thoughts?"

He sighed, looking down at his hands, "We had some worries," He said softly, "Michelle was only sixteen. I was going to graduate soon and I was scared out of my mind. We weren't going to keep her..."

"Does she know this?" She asked.

He paused to take a moment for himself, "No, why would she need to know that?" He answered, "We just couldn't throw her life away like that. My dad was furious when we came clean and told him I was the father."

She nodded, "What's your relationship like with your father?"

"He was very strict. He just wanted what was best for me. He wanted me to become a studio musician. Instead my band became famous, which worked out even better. He was always pushing me," He said.

"Did he ever push you too hard?"

"Just a little," Brian shrugged and she nodded, writing something down, "Okay, so he pushed me a lot," He confessed and she looked back up curiously, "I was the only one of the family who took on his guitar talent for what it was worth. We all played guitar, but it was me who picked up on it the best. I was the one who had the talent for it. He started me young, and I learned quick. It all came so naturally.

"But it wasn't enough... He was a failed rock star. I mean, he had made it in a sense. He was a studio musician and played with a lot of great people and made good money, but it wasn't what he wanted. So he pushed me to continue his dream. He wouldn't stop. I had to be perfect for him... For his dream."

Stephanie nodded, "Do you think you push Liza too hard at times?"

"Yes," He answered shamefully, "I just don't want her to fail, though. I want her to become something."

She nodded, writing something down before looking up at him. She studied his features before asking, "What's your favorite memory of Liza before Michelle left?"

Brian smiled for the first time in a few days and looked at his hands, recalling the memory, "She was nine. I was on tour the majority of the year. We played across the country before going to Europe and Asia. Michelle told me she was waiting for me, but our plane was delayed. I got home and she was asleep on the couch," He chuckled, "She had candy around her and the tv was on, because she was trying to stay awake for me. In her hand was a card she made that said welcome home and it said she missed me."

"Do you still have that card?" Stephanie asked out of pure curiosity.

"Of course," Brian said, "I keep it in my guitar case so I can take it on tour with me," He confessed. It was true. It was a piece of yellow construction paper with Liza's shaky handwriting on it. She drew little flowers and happy faces so show just how happy she was that he was coming home. He never went on tour without it, and it remained in his guitar case to this very day.

"Does Liza know that you have the card?"

"I would assume," He shrugged.

Stephanie wrote things down rapidly on her notebook, and Brian could feel his palms start to sweat. His foot was tapping rapidly and he was cracking his knuckles, unable to keep still.

"Do you yell at Liza often?"

He shrugged, "I yell at her when she gets in trouble. And believe me when I say she gets in a lot of trouble. Rebellion has been her favorite hobby since she was fourteen," He stated.

"All teenagers rebel. Have you had a calm conversation with her before? About being in trouble?"

Brian had to think for a moment, but nothing particular came to mind, "No. If anyone is calm it's Zack," He said and she nodded. Stephanie had all the knowledge she needed about Zack and Matt. Brian had told her about them during his phone call to her a few days prior.

"Have you ever felt guilty about yelling at her?"

Brian shook his head, "I mean. I do it because I love her. I don't want her to grow up thinking she can do what ever she wants."

"And you don't feel that it could have effected her in any way?" She asked.

Brian froze, guilt running through him. He put his head in his hands, "Oh god..." He muttered. Stephanie watched Brian's walls break down as he remembered all the times he had yelled at his daughter, "Is that what's wrong with her?" He asked.

"It's much more complex than that, Brian," She said and he looked up at her.

"What's wrong with her?" He demanded.

Stephanie sighed and removed the glasses that were perched upon her nose, crossing one leg over the other, "Are you sure you want to hear this now? Or do you want to make an appointment for another session?"

"No," He stated firmly, "Tell me."

She took a deep breath and nodded, giving in, "It's going to be difficult for you to understand. I'm going to try to answer all your questions, but some times we can't process what's going on in the mind of another person," She explained and he nodded, "Liza suffers from a psychosis caused by fear."

"What does that mean exactly?" Brian asked. He didn't particularly like that the word psychosis was used in the same sentence as his daughter, and it worried him.

"Psychosis is when the human mind loses contact with reality causing someone to have false beliefs or seeing and hearing things that aren't there. These are delusions and hallucinations," She said and Brian shook his head rapidly.

"No. Liza doesn't hallucinate. She's completely normal," He argued.

"Liza's mind is split into two parts. Her conscious and subconscious. Her conscious mind is fine and untouched. She understands everything perfectly and she's normal. Her subconscious however, is a different story," She paused before continuing, "Liza's subconscious was built off of fear. This subconscious of hers is in the form of a voice that speaks to her. Sometimes this voice tells her things that aren't true. Her reaction to this fear is anger and coming off as defensive, leading to what you see as her rebellion.

"This voice tells her to rebel, and convinces her that she shouldn't care anymore. Her conscious mind tries to fight off the fear her subconscious is building, but it isn't an easy task for her. She's battling with herself because her subconscious has caused her to warp her reality. Her fear becomes stronger every day. The stronger her fear becomes, the stronger the voice becomes. He life has been consumed by her subconscious constantly convincing her that her fears are her actual reality. She lives in this delusion."

His face drained completely of color as he struggled to speak, "Sh-She's schizophrenic?" He asked and Stephanie shook her head rapidly.

"No, that's not the case at all," She said and Brian relaxed again, letting air fill his lungs again, "Schizophrenia is caused by imbalanced chemicals in the brain. There is no cure. Liza suffers from something that can be cured, because it grew on her. Her reality is warped, resulting in delusions that cause her to do certain things we don't understand," She explained.

"Like getting in trouble?" He asked and she shrugged.

"Partially. Like I said, she comes off as defensive and angry and it channels into rebellion. But that's only a small fraction."

"But that makes sense. She's angry at me because I yell at her, right? So she gets in trouble to get back at me. Don't all teenagers do that?" He asked, hope filling inside of him and she looked at him sadly, "All teenagers get angry at their parents, right?"

"Brian, her anger isn't directed towards you," She said softly and he raised an eyebrow, "It's directed towards herself."

Brian shook his head, unable understand, "Why?"

"Do you know what fears Liza's mind has created?" She asked and he shook his head, "Her entire life is built on the fear that you don't love her or want her. She doesn't feel wanted and she doesn't get the positive attention she craves. But instead of blaming you, she blames herself. It's her subconscious telling her that there's something wrong with her, not you. She's angry at herself for not being good enough for you."

Brian's eyes went wide, "That's crazy. Of course she's good enough. Why the hell would she think that?" Brian asked, slightly offended that this woman would think such a thing.

"Do you remember me just asking you what your favorite memory of Liza was?" She asked and he nodded, "I asked Liza that same exact question. Do you know the answer?"

He thought for a moment, "One birthday I had her go with her Mom to a store. She was allowed to get what ever she wanted," He shrugged, more so questioning himself.

"Do you hear the error in that statement?" She asked and he shook his head, "You just said her mom took her to the store. You may have set it up, but you weren't physically there."

"I was on tour," He defended.

"I know, and I'm not saying that's wrong."

"So then what memory did she remember?" He asked and she looked at him with sad eyes.

"She didn't have one," She said and Brian's eyes widened, his mouth falling slightly agape, "She doesn't have one because she can't remember anything about you before Michelle leaving. You were gone and whenever you were home, she only remembers you fighting with Michelle. Her memory of you doesn't begin until Michelle was gone."

"But..."

Stephanie cut him off, "Michelle was her rock growing up. She didn't have anyone else. Michelle was the one she bonded with and out of the blue, she was suddenly gone. She felt so alone, and she couldn't understand why. Not only did she feel like she didn't have a father, because you were gone. But she lost her mother as well."

"So when did she start having this... fear?" Brian asked, "When Michelle left?"

Stephanie shook her head, "The fear was always there. It was there the moment she was old enough to understand that you weren't home. It was constantly building in the back of her mind. But sometimes the mind needs one moment to make it snap, releasing everything. Once it's released, it's hard to get it under control. The fear was instilled in her when she was young. She was probably around five years old when her mind started to process these feelings. But she didn't snap until Michelle left. Michelle leaving was the trigger that truly released her subconscious."

"But just last night I told her I would never leave her," He said, "We had a moment last night where we finally understood each other," He stated, "So she's going to be okay, right? We can move on from this?"

"Her fear still holds her back from what reality is. The reality being that you truly do love her," She stated and he sighed deeply, "You could tell her a million times over and over again that you love her, but it will take more than that. This isn't something you fix over night."

"So, what happens now?" Brian asked, a sudden feeling of hopelessness caught within him. A heavy pain in his chest.

"When the mind is under pressure it reacts differently for each person. Liza's fear has also channeled into a depression, releasing her constant thoughts of suicide," Stephanie started to explain.

"I'm sorry, did you say constant?" Brian asked, narrowing his eyes at her. He couldn't possibly be hearing her correctly.

She nodded, "Her attempt was not a spontaneous act, Brian. She had been contemplating suicide for months until something caused her to snap. Just like how she snapped when Michelle left. Her fears, the little voice in her head, is telling her that she would rather be dead."

"She never attempted before, though," Brian said softly.

"Doesn't mean she didn't think it. She's had plenty of thoughts about it. She has them every day. It's a voice that haunts her, telling her things that aren't true. She thinks about it when she's at the beach, debating throwing herself over the pier. Or when she's in her car, and she thinks about running it off the road. And even in her room, when she thinks about throwing herself out the window," She explained.

Guilt rose in the pit of his stomach. Michelle was right. It really was his fault. He had pushed his own daughter over the edge, leading to her attempted suicide. He made her snap. He went too far.

"So of all these things, why did she choose to cut? Why did she want to do something even more slow and painful?" Brian asked, "Why did she want to hurt herself?"

"I'm not sure if you're ready for that answer..." Stephanie trailed off.

Brian shook his head, "I have to know. I need to know," He argued and she sighed heavily.

"She was angry," She stated, "In an act of anger, mixed with her subconscious fear and immense guilt, she wanted to destroy something."

"She was angry at me?" He asked, tears starting to fill in his eyes, "She was trying to destroy me, huh?" His heart breaking. He didn't think anything in the world could make his heart crumble even more than it already was.

Stephanie locked eyes with him, taking a deep breath, "No, Brian. She was angry at herself."

Brian froze, air leaving his lungs as he managed to choke out a word, "Wh-What?"

"She wanted to destroy herself." And Brian stared at her in complete horror.

He was wrong.
There really was something that could break his heart even more.