Carry On

I don't remember how I got back to the hotel. I only remember it starting to rain, and my Beetlejuice leggings getting soaked in the process. From the missing money in my wallet I can only assume that I found a taxi and managed to mumble the name of my hotel. That's it. I don't even remember how I got into my room.

I was breathing hard, trying to ignore the world around me. I sat in the corner, leaned up against the wall with my knees pulled to my chest. I was trying to control my heaving as I blurred my vision with tears.

No one loves you, remember?

I sobbed. Another thing added to my shit-list. The fact that I have a voice living inside my brain for free of rent. "S-stop," I muttered.

Dad. Dad never cared. Why would he? I was the child that got in his way. He could be living free of any of my mistakes had Mom not gotten pregnant with me. He would become a rockstar, as planned, and live in fame without me holding him down.

And Mom. Mom wouldn't have left. Without me, she would have gotten her chance at fashion stardom and she would have kept her husband. But because she had a kid, she had responsibilities. Responsibilities she didn't want. She threw me away.

My phone was ringing once again. The familiar ringtone default on all iPhones was echoing through the room. I kicked it aside, knowing it was either Mom or Val. Maybe it was Michael calling me. Either way, I sat there and stared.

The bottle of pills were sitting on the dresser in front of me. Val was in such a hurry this morning she forgot to stash them away safely. My name was printed on the front, inviting me. I took two a day. One in the morning and one at night. It would seem logical that if one took too many, there would be some consequences.

Gone forever.

Yes. I would be gone forever. Could you imagine? Being gone from the world in a matter of seconds. Dad would never have to deal with me again. I could go in peace. Mom could continue life without me, just as she always has. It wouldn't be much different. Dad could go to the studio more and tour during other seasons besides Summer. They would be free of me.

I would be free of life.

-

"What do you mean you're not with her!?" Brian yelled into the phone.

"Well, I told her to wait backstage until she show started. I went to find her and she was gone. I had to watch the show, so I figured she got bored and left," Michelle explained and Brian felt like for once in his life he could actually hit a girl, he was so livid.

"You let your suicidal daughter leave on her own in the middle of fucking New York!? Do you even fucking care about her, Michelle!? I can't believe you!" Brian yelled, but didn't wait for another explanation. He hung up.

"Sir," A voice asked from the front of the taxi, "Is there somewhere I could take you?" He asked politely. The man was startled by the upset man sitting in the back of his taxi, but understood his anger when he mentioned a suicidal daughter. Zacky leaned forward from the back seat.

"Can you take us to the Peninsula Hotel on 5th?" Zack asked.

"No, we can't go there. We need to look for her," Brian protested angrily and Zack pushed him back into his seat, pointing a finger at him. Zack had enough of Brian's irrational ideas. He was getting more frustrated by the minute with him.

"Brian, you need to listen to me right now. If we go out in the middle of New York City we will not find her. Got it? The best thing to do is head to the hotel and see if we can figure out where she could have gone, or wait for her to come back."

"And if she doesn't come back? If she ends up dead!?" Brian yelled.

"Shut the fuck up, Brian!" Zack had finally snapped and Brian leaned back a bit away from his angry friend. He was almost red with all the anger built up inside of him. He exhaled slowly, "Just trust me," He whispered before turning back to the driver, ordering him to drive.

The taxi behind them followed, carrying the other three friends. It was then that Matt pulled out his phone, dialing his wife once more, "Hello?" She answered.

"Any luck?" He asked.

She sighed, "No," She sounded like she was on the verge of tears, "She's not anywhere near here. I checked every surrounding store and restaurant. I asked every person on the street. No one's seen her!" She exclaimed.

Matt sighed, "Okay. I think we're heading for the hotel right now. Just go there, okay? We'll regroup and we'll figure something out."

"Oh, God. I should have stayed with her," She whispered.

"Val, Babe, don't blame yourself. Everything is going to be okay. Just go back to the hotel, okay?"

"Okay," She agreed.

"I love you. I'll see you soon."

"I love you too. Bye."

She hung up and Matt sighed, leaning his head back onto the seat. He couldn't imagine how Zacky was holding up with Brian. With the amount of traffic towards the hotel, he knew sitting in a car with Brian wasn't the prettiest thing right now. No doubt he was a dramatic mess, and Matt couldn't blame him. He was right. He wasn't sure what to expect when it came to Liza. She was a time bomb, and he was afraid of the worst.

-

I got up, bottle in hand, shuffling to the other side of the room to Val's door. I pushed it open before wandering to her makeup bag. I unzipped it, peering inside. I knew Val had trouble sleeping, and sure enough I found a bottle of sleeping pills in her bag. I sighed, taking out one and popping it in my mouth, dry swallowing.

I left her room, wandering into the living area. It was so nice, and the large windows overlooked the sparkling city. The sun was setting just over the skyline, oranges and yellows shading the world in a sea of warm colors. The lights were beginning to turn on, one by one, twinkling as the sky became darker.

I looked down to the bottle in my hands. My bottle. A hundred or so little pills that I could take. A handful, even, could possible do the job. I wouldn't take chances, though. Not like last time. If I'm going to do it, then I'm going to do it right this time.

Do it.

No.

I won't. Not here, anyways. I didn't want to die in New York City. I wanted to die where I belonged. At home in the stinging chill of the ocean. How lovely. I wanted to be in a place I was familiar with. Somewhere close to my heart. Huntington was my home. My last memories should be there, not a city that reminded me of how unloved I truly am.

I walked back to my room, tossing the pills aside, not caring where the bottle landed. I grabbed my phone before sliding down the wall to my familiar position, knees against my chest. I scrolled down the contacts to Michael's name.

"Hello?" He answered quick, just like always.

"Hey," I muttered. I could feel the sleep coming to me.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Sleepy."

"Sleepy? It's like six o'clock over there. Have a rough day?"

"You were right," I told him, "You were right about her."

He sighed, "Liza, I know," He whispered, "Are you okay, though?"

"Never better."

"I don't like the sound of that, Liza. Where are you?" He demanded. He was getting worried. Something I shouldn't keep putting on people.

"At the hotel. Nothing is wrong, Michael."

He sighed again, "I'm going to call your Dad."

"You don't have his number."

"I took it from your phone the day we went to the beach. I'm not stupid," He confessed. That asshole. Of course he would do something like that.

"Well, you don't need to call him. I told you I'm fine."

"Why are you slurring your words?" He asked. I didn't even realize that I was slurring until he pointed it out. My world around me was fading. I just wanted to sleep.

"I'm sleepy, I told you."

"Liza, this isn't fucking funny!" He exclaimed. His breathing was erratic, and I didn't like it. I liked the soft humming of his heart that I usually heard. His calm breaths were a reminder that people around me were actually sane, unlike me.

"I'm fine, Michael. Honestly. I'm sincerely telling you that I'm fine and that you'll see me again. I'm just going to go to sleep for a little bit."

"Then why did you call me?" He asked.

"Because in a weird way, I just wanted to hear your voice," I confessed before hanging up, sliding my phone away from me on the lush carpet.

My head felt heavy as I struggled to stay sitting up. My phone was ringing, and I couldn't tell if it was Michael, Dad, or Val. It was too blurry. Instead of worrying about it, I leaned down, letting myself fall away from the wall. My face connected with the soft carpet, almost like cotton, and I felt my eyes flutter. Heaviness swept over me and I felt the familiar feeling of sleep crawling towards me.

Just simple dreamless sleep.

-

Brian couldn't stop the anxiety running through him as the traffic refused to lighten. What he really needed was a cigarette, but he had none on him. They were all in his bag in the trunk, where he packed them for the plane ride. He groaned as yet another light turned red, and they were forced to stop.

"We're almost there, Sir. I'm going to cut in front of this car to make the next light," The driver informed him. He had been surprisingly calm for having to drive such an eccentric father.

Zack was assuring him that everything was going to be okay, but he was hardly listening. He just stared in front of him, counting the seconds passing before the light would turn green again.

In his pocket he felt his phone vibrating. He took it out, expecting to see another call from Michelle. His eyebrows furrowed at the unfamiliar number, but the familiar area code of his county. 714, just like all of northern Orange County. He sighed, answering, "Hello?"

"Mr. Haner?" A familiar voice asked, but he couldn't pin exactly who is was.

"Yeah, who is this?"

"It's Michael. Liza's friend," He replied and Brian immedielty knew who he was, and he didn't like the sound of his panicked voice, "I just talked to Liza."

"You did!?" Brian exclaimed.

"Yeah. She sounded really weird. She kept saying she was sleepy and during our conversation she started to slur her words a little but. But she kept saying she was okay and nothing was wrong. All I know is that she was upset about something with her mom. But I couldn't get anything else out of her."

"Oh my God, did she tell you where she is?"

"Yeah, she's at the hotel. I only had your number, though. I didn't have her aunt's so I couldn't call someone close to her."

"I just arrived in New York. We're heading there right now."

"Thank God. She just scared the shit out of me, honestly."

"Thank you for calling," Brian said quickly before hanging up. The light was green and the driver was stepping on the gas full speed to change lanes, arriving at the hotel on the right.

"She's here. She's at the hotel and something's wrong," Brian exclaimed as the taxi came to a halt. He threw the door open, running out as the other taxi pulled up beside him. Matt didn't ask questions as he too jumped out, running right behind Brian. Zack payed quickly, in too much of a hurry to count exact change. He tossed three hundreds at the driver before yelling a thank you and running off again.

Jimmy and Johnny were close behind and just as they entered the lobby a familiar voice was yelling after them, "Wait!"

Matt turned around at the sound of his wife's voice, seeing her running to catch up to them towards the elevators, "You need a key," She breathed for handing him the key.

The elevator doors opened and they piled inside. Val hit the floor, and they were on their way up. Every time they stopped at a floor, they would close the door before anyone could get on. They had no time to be waiting for other people. It felt like an eternity before the elevator finally stopped on their floor, and they all ran out. All six of them running through the people waiting for the elevator. They ran around the corner, stopping at the room before Brian shakily slid the card into the reader, allowing the door to open.

"Check everywhere!" He ordered and they split up.

Brian's first instinct was to check the balcony. He ran forward, examining the living room quickly before tossing open the glass door, peering outside for any sign of his daughter. Val checked her room, seeing nothing. Jimmy and Johnny examined the kitchen area and the bathroom, while Matt looked in the various closet doors.

It was Zack who yelled from Liza's room, "I got her!" He yelled. His voice panicked as he took the girl into his arms. His first instinct was to check her pulse, which was still there. Nothing abnormal about her. She was just sleeping, and that made him a little calmer. Zack still couldn't fight the amount of anxiety he felt as he held Liza in his arms.

Brian jumped over the couch, running into the room before anyone else to see his daughter in Zacky's arms. Her phone at her feet and a pill bottle beside her. His heart dropped, seeing his daughter so still. His mind wandered to a world without his daughter.

"No!!" He screamed and fell to his knees. The shock was so severe his legs gave out, causing him to fall dramatically into the carpet.

"Brian, she's okay," Zack confirmed, pressing two fingers to her neck. Brian could't stop the tears falling over his cheeks as he crawled over to her, checking for himself, "Look, Brian," Zack urged towards his left, "The bottle is full. She didn't take anything." Brian placed his large hands on her cheeks, feeling that she wasn't cold like he expected. She was actually normal. He shook her gently, waiting for her to open her eyes. He wouldn't feel right until her brown eyes were staring back up at him.

"Then what the fuck is wrong with her!? Why isn't she waking up!?" He exclaimed, his voice cracking just as Matt and Val ran into the room.

"She took one of my sleeping pills, that's all," Val stated, "I counted, Brian. She only took one," She assured and he sighed.

Brian let out a deep breath before reaching out. Zack immediately loosened his grip on Liza, allowing Brian to take her into his arms. She was limp, but she was okay. Her pulse was strong and she was breathing, and that was all he needed. She was just asleep. He felt his heart rate start to slow as he allowed himself to calm down.

"She's okay," He whispered, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear, "She's okay."