Carry On

Michael didn't tear his eyes from me as I sat on the bed, my knees pulled to my chest. Surprisingly, Dad didn't scream at him when he knocked at the door. Instead, he was extremely polite and understanding. He asked him how school was and if he was okay before directing him to the direction of my room.

"You don't look the same, Liza," He said softly.

"Hm," I replied and he sighed.

"You look like you did before. You look like you did after it happened," He confessed and I sighed. I turned and looked at him.

Michael really did have the perfect face. A strong jawline with just the slightest stubble on his chin. His eyes were a soft mix between green and blue. They were fascinating, actually. His eyes held small orange specks that resembled fireworks. Even when he looked so sad, his eyes were brighter than the sun. His dirty blonde hair was peeking out from a beanie and he was wrapped up in a sweatshirt. I wanted him to hold me, but I wouldn't ask.

"Please don't do this," He whispered.

"Do what?" I asked.

"I can see it in you, Liza. You're planning something. I know you," He said, his voice actually sounding desperate.

"What do you want from me?" I asked, my voice breaking.

"I want you to heal. I want you to come to terms with reality and accept that we all love you. I want you to be okay."

"And if I can't?" I snapped, "What do other people do, huh? All the sucides in a year? What about the people who don't toss themselves? They just live with the pain?" I demanded.

He shook his head, "No. They carry on."

I didn't have the heart to tell him I couldn't do that. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and enveloped me in his warmth. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he pulled me close, pressing his cheek to mine. I was so cold compared to him. He was like sunlight in the palm of my hands.

"I'm here with you."

He was. But he wouldn't be here long. I needed to understand that.

-

Dad didn't say much after Michael left. He did pull up some travel brochures for me. He was making suggestions for a trip. Italy, Greece, Austrailia.

"Why do you have these? It's not like you can go on a trip right now," I stated.

He raised an eyebrow, "I'm a grown man, Liza. I can do whatever I want."

"You have an album to record," I tossed Canada aside, "You have a record label breathing down your neck about it and you have fans that hate me. Don't you think taking off on a trip with me is a bad idea?"

"Recording isn't a big deal right now. You're more important."

"Yeah, until the label pulls the budget. Then what?" I snap and he sighed.

"Liza," He sat down next to me, "I didn't want to tell you this because I don't want you to think it's your fault."

"But it is," I added softly.

He turned to me, "We scrapped the album."

I turned to him, "Are you fucking insane!?" I asked, and he didn't even scold my language. He just put his head down. "

"It wasn't our best work. Matt and Jimmy are going to start from scratch on new songs," He said softly.

"Did they tell you to say that to me?" I asked and he couldn't even look at me, "Did they tell you to tell me that excuse to make me feel better? Because I ruined the only dream you had left!" I screamed before standing up.

"Liza, please understand where I'm coming from."

I turned to him, "You just wanted to make music, Dad. Why are you letting me stop you?"

"It means nothing if I don't have you hear!" He yelled, reaching his breaking point, "All the albums, all of the tours, all of the money wouldn't mean anything if you had died. If you had actually succeeded and killed yourself I would have nothing!"

I shook my head, "You'd have peace," I whispered.

-

I thought about writing a letter. I thought about a lot of things, actually. All of which would end up hurting Dad even more. Despite how upset he made me, and how much I hated him the majority of my senior year, I loved him. I was a Daddy's Girl. I guess I always was.

"Daddy?" I asked, my voice small.

"Hey, baby-girl. What are you still doing up?" Dad asked, turning from the guitar in front of him to face me, a smile on his face.

"Are you going to leave again?" I asked and he smiled sadly.

"You know I have to, Sweetie. But not for a while," He assured.

"When will you leave?" I asked.

"Next month. But for now I'm going to spend all my time with my favorite girl!" He exclaimed, sweeping down to lift me up off the ground, spinning me until laughter erupted throughout the walls of the studio.

"Daddy!" I giggled as he twirled me in his arms, spinning me around as tears of happiness pricked my eyes.

Tears filled my eyes at the memory. I guess I did remember things before Mom left. I just blocked them out. What was wrong with me? Dad had always loved me. Dad always put me before Mom, something that sometimes got him in a lot of trouble. Dad never neglected me. In the end it was me who neglected him.

I don't know why I was the one to turn out this way. I don't know why I'm the one to think this way or feel this way. I hate it. I loathe it. I wished with all my heart that I could be happy, with no second thoughts. I wondered what life would be if I were.

College. Dad would be proud. None of this would have happened. I would have graduated, never visited Mom, and continued life without any problems.

I ruined my own life.

When Dad's bedroom door was shut I turned to my closet. I got up, turning on the light to the extra room and quickly changing into something else. I changed into a pair of black jeans, a Vengeance University shirt I never wore, and a cardigan. I tied my hair up before slipping on my boots. My favorite pair, to be exact. The maroon ones that I adored so much. Dad had the same exact pair.

I didn't bother with makeup. It would run anyways. Instead, my face was clean. I removed any eyeliner left over from the previous day. The dried mascara was taken off, revealing mouse brown lashes that had gone short after years of abuse from harsh makeup. I was clean.

I left my phone charging next to my bed. I walked over, picking it up and scrolling through the contacts. I sent a goodnight text to Michael, even though it was well past midnight, and put it back down. I looked over to my guitar sitting in it's stand in the corner. It stood proudly next to Dad's model. I sighed once more before running a hand through my hair.

Deep down I knew I was ready. I could feel it. I just wanted peace.
So I pulled my cardigan tight around me before silently walking down the stairs and into the front room, opening the front door and shutting it behind me.

I faced the dark night.

-

Brian groaned, hearing the blasting ringtone of his daughter's phone echo from her room. He usually never heard it because her door was always closed. This meant she was up. At that thought he sat up, looking at the clock on his nightstand. It was just past two in the morning. He wondered what the hell she was still doing up, but figured she was only using the bathroom or grabbing something from the kitchen.

Her phone continued to ring, and Brian couldn't find himself to close his eyes. He couldn't understand the feeling in his chest as he heard silence in the house, the phone being the only thing echoing. He stood up, tossing the blankets off of him before walking to his door. He opened it, peeking out to see Liza's door open, but he couldn't see her, "Liza?" He called.

Hearing no reply he quickly threw on some jeans and a shirt before walking out of his room completely, heading to her room. He looked down at her phone, seeing the name Michael come up.

Michael: 6 Missed Calls

Before he could reach the phone his own phone started ringing in his pocket. He looked down, recognizing the same number that called him in New York, "Hello?"

"Mr. Haner I'm sorry I'm calling so late but is Liza home?" He asked panicked.

Brian's heart raced as he looked around. The house was completely silent. Not a trace of her left behind, "Jesus, no," He breathed.

"She sent me a text five minutes ago saying she was going to sleep. She told me that she hoped sleep would bring her dreams, and then she said goodnight. She never does that!" He exclaimed, "And now I can't get ahold of her!"

"Michael, listen to me. Stay home, okay? I'm going to find her but you need to stay there in case she goes over there."

"Okay," Michael sighed before hanging up.

Brian was already running down the stairs, slipping on his Nikes before grabbing his keys, his phone to his ear as he dialed the one person he needed. He waited seven dials before he finally answered, "What the fuck," He muttered, "It's fucking two in the morning, Brian."

"Zack, somethin's wrong. She's going to do it. I know she is!" Brian exclaimed and Zack jumped out of the bed, not caring if he woke Gena up. He quickly moved across the room, finding what ever clothes he had lying around. The sound in Brian's voice knew this wasn't some false alarm.

"Where is she!?" He exclaimed, tossing clothes on as fast as he could, leaving without an explanation.

"I don't know! There's no note!" Brian shouted as his car sped down PCH, well over the 45 mile-per-hour speed limit.

"Well fucking think, Brian!" Zack exclaimed, "Where would she go if cutting herself didn't work!?"

Brian stopped at a red light, closing his eyes tightly as he fought back to remember everything Liza had told him. It was seemingly impossible as his mind was moving too fast for him to comprehend. Suddenly, a memory he wasn't expecting came to him. Perhaps it was father's intuition, or maybe it was a stroke of luck. Some odd force have brought Brian to a seemingly unimportant day in history.

You keep staring out into the ocean like you'll toss yourself in it."

"The pier," Brian whispered as realization struck him, "Oh God, Zack, she's going to jump!"

Zack's heart dropped, "Get over there as fast as you can. Don't wait for us. I'll get the other guys. Just get to her, Brian."

-

The pier is eerily quiet at night. You don't hear the usual sound of children screaming or laughter. Main Street behind me was shut down. They close the bars after two, leaving it a Ghost town until nine in the morning. I was peaceful. I had never seen a city so still before and it almost made me question if I was already dead or not. Maybe this was the afterlife?

I could only hear the sound of the waves crashing along the shore. They were so calm and rhythmic, it was almost like a heartbeat. Which was ironic, seeing as the very water that had a steady heartbeat would soon take mine away. I didn't mind, though. It was like I was giving my heart to someone else, and that made me feel a little better. Maybe I'm not so selfish after all.

I leaned forward on the barrier, peering down. The water was pitch black. It wasn't the usual hazy blue that usually coasted towards the sand. The water almost looked like a blanket. If you stared at it long enough it almost seemed like velvet. I couldn't deny how welcoming it seemed. Like it was calling to me with open arms. I tried to imagine the water enveloping me like a security I had never known.

I put one leg over the railing, then the next. I sat down on the ledge, watching the waves crash into the wooden stilts that held up the pier. It was just so beautiful, I had to stop and watch. A moment of hesitation.

-

Brian's car pulled up to the parking lot, getting out and rushing towards the pier. Zack followed behind him, Matt and the others in tow. The Berrys and Dan had shown up when Matt had called them in a panic. Brian stopped, turning back towards his friends who were staring at his hesitation. His brown eyes locked with Zack's green ones, trying desperately to make him understand, "Zack," He choked out, "You have to stop her. You have to tell her to stop this," Brian stated firmly.

Zack's eyes widened at the desperation his friend had. His request was too much for him to handle. How could he put Liza's life in his hands? He loved Liza with all his heart, but he couldn't do that. He couldn't be responsible. Doubts ran through his mind as he thought of being the one to have to convince her to stop this madness and come home, "I..." He shook his head, unable to form words.

"You're the only one who could convince her to do anything, Zack. Please," Brian begged his friend.

"She doesn't need me right now," Zack said to him softly, "She needs you. She's only ever need you, Bri. You're the only one who could do this."

Brian gulped, seeing his daughter standing on the pier. He watched in horror as she lifted on leg up, hoisting herself over the docks. He took off in a sprint, the guys behind him as he rushed to catch up to her, "Liza!" He shouted and the girl's shoulders tensed, her knuckles turning white as they gripped the ledge.

"Dad..." She started softly.

"Liza," Brian approached her softly, slowly and steadily as he watched his daughter tense up on the edge of the pier. As if one push of a breeze would send her over the railing. He tried to block the image of his daughter plummeting into the dark waters out of his mind. He needed to concentrate.

"Why can't you ever let me do things for myself?" She asked, "Why can't you just let me go?" Her voice was starting to crack, and that scared Brian. He wasn't prepared to see her reach her breaking point. He would never be ready for that.

"Because you're my daughter, Liza. I love you no matter what and I can't watch you do this," Brian tried to keep his voice strong, but he found himself faltering, just like his daughter. He meant to sound strong, like a father should be. He suddenly felt like a child again, unable to figure out what to do. He was suddenly a teenager and Michelle had just told him he was going to be a father. He was lost.

"You don't have to watch me," She growled, "I left when I knew you wouldn't follow. But you always ruin everything," She huffed.

Brian was lost. He didn't know what to do. Instead, he remained silent. At this point he didn't know what to do. He thought about every possible scenario, and he wasn't about to let his daughter slip through his grasp. So he did the only thing he could do.

He leaned down and began to untie his shoelaces.

"Brian, what the hell are you doing?" Matt asked, cautiously approaching him. The singer didn't like which direction his friend was approaching the situation, and it made his stomach churn. With that question Liza turned to look over her shoulder, seeing her father toss his own shoes aside before taking off his jacket, leaving him in his jeans and a t-shirt.

"What are you doing?" She snapped, "Don't be stupid."

He turned to her, eyes locking with her, "If you jump, I'm going with you," He stated, his voice suddenly finding strength again. He felt stronger as he stood there barefoot, his body fighting the cold breeze that drifted between them, "Either I'm going to pull you out of that fucking water, or I'm going to die trying," Brian stated lowly. Liza could see the tears glistening in his eyes as he slowly approached her.

"Stop," She stated, her voice weak as she saw her father come closer to the edge.

"Stop!" She screeched, pushing her body forward so she leaned out even further over the edge and away from her father, "STOP!"

Brian reached out, slowly making his way closer to her. His fingertips reaching out, so close to gripping her so he could pull her back. With one tug he'd send both of them backwards, back onto the safety of the pier.

"You're fucking insane!" She screamed at him, tears finally forming in her eyes as she scooted further off the ledge, "If you come any closer I'll jump!" She threatened and Brian stopped, watching his daughter take one foot off the railing, barely balancing.

"Brian," Matt warned, stepping closer, "Brian this isn't going to fix anything. Stop and think for a second," Matt warned, but was completely ignored when Brian took two more steps, his arms still reaching out for his daughter.

"I just wanted you to be happy," She choked out, sobs shaking her body. She heaved as she watched her father come so close to her, "I could never make you happy." She lifted her foot so it dangled over the edge and she looked down at the water.

"I am happy, Liza," Brian whispered.

She shook her head, keeping her eyes fixated on the black water calling for her. It was practically reaching for her as the waves crashed into the dock below her, "Not with me here."

So she stood, leaning over the edge, and jumped.