Carry On

I inhaled deeply, attempting to keep my coughing down. I blew the smoke out the window, taking in a deep breath. My legs hung over the balcony, but I didn't care. I was too stoned to get up and jump anyways. It was one in the morning, and I still couldn't sleep. I had only gotten an hour of sleep the night before, due to finishing homework, and I was fucking exhausted. Still, my mind wouldn't seem to slow down enough for me to fall asleep.

I didn't get weed often, so I had to use it sparingly. I couldn't buy it all the time because it required money, and although money wasn't an issue, it was an issue with Dad. If he noticed large chunks of money missing from my account, withdrawn in cash at an ATM, he would definitely suspect something because he's insane. Naturally. I only bought once a month to avoid Dad catching on.

I don't know why it was a big deal. Dad smoked with the band all the time. It was normal for them. They tried to hide it as much as possible, and I made them believe they actually did a good job. Too many times had I gone to the studio and smelled the sweet smoke sticking to the walls. I don't get why it was such a big deal for me to smoke, if they did it too.

I sat unmoving on the balcony. I had to move soon, though, because if I fell asleep on the balcony Dad would lose it. I finished my remaining joint before wrapping up my baggy once more, in foil to avoid the smell from creeping out, and stood up. My legs felt like jello and my eyes were getting heavy. It didn't matter that I was starving because I was too tired to get food from the kitchen. I shoved the bag back into the back of my closet before throwing myself into my bed. I didn't even have time to think about much else before I was in darkness.

-

I felt extremely sick the next morning when a hand started to gently shake me. I looked up, only because I knew it wasn't Dad. I rolled over, groaning as I looked up and saw Zacky standing above me, "Did he send you here to yell at me too?" I asked and he raised an eyebrow, a slight smirk upon his face.

"What did you do this time?" He asked, chuckling.

"See, he doesn't tell you things because he knows you won't yell at me. You're not on his side," I replied. It was true. Dad hardly called Zack for anything, even though he was his supposed best friend. If it involved me, he called Matt.

"Your Dad left early to pick up some stuff for the barbecue."

"You mean booze and charcoal?" I asked and he nodded. We sat quietly for a moment before I continued, "My teacher asked me what school I wanted to go to yesterday," I stated.

"And what did you tell her?"

"I told her I didn't want to go to college," I said and he sighed, "She called Dad. Dad flipped a shit. Dad called Matt. Matt flipped a shit. You know the drill."

"We all want what's best for you," Zack said softly, "College won't be that bad. You might end up liking it. You just need to find a school you like."

Zack would make a great Dad. Him and Gena hadn't exactly settled down yet. They haven't gotten married and their both too busy with their own careers to focus on anything else. Sometimes I imagined that I was adopted and Zack and Gena were my real parents. Because sometimes they seemed to be the only ones who actually cared.

"I asked Dad to give me a year off, just to slow down. I'm just so stressed out. I promised I would go to college, but I just wanted a year break," I explained and he sighed.

"Not everyone has that luxury, Liza," He started. Here we go again. "You have it so much easier than every one else. Someone always has it worse than you."

Just because someone has it worse than me doesn't change my situation any.

He continued, "You don't have much to be stressed about. School is just about it. You're fine financially. I know it's hard not having your mom around, but you have a great dad. You're not really stressed enough to need to take a year off."

"Yeah," I muttered and he smiled at me.

"So get up and get ready. It's already noon."

He left me to myself. He probably went to go start the barbecue. Gena was probably cooking in our kitchen and Val was probably downstairs too.

I got up and stretched, a major headache coming on. I really wanted a couple of drinks, but wouldn't get any until later. Instead I headed to my closet and began to fish for an outfit. It was hot outside, so I grabbed a pair of denim shorts. I slipped on a baggy blank tank top before tossing my long hair up into a messy bun. I did my makeup, covering up the bags under my eyes before slipping on a pair of sunglasses and some sandals before heading downstairs, "How's my favorite niece?!" Val was quick to tackle me in a hug.

"I'm your only niece, Aunt Val," I reminded her and she shrugged, tucking a piece of blonde hair out of my eyes.

"You look beautiful as ever," She smiled and I shrugged before making my way to the kitchen. Gena was pulling a pan out of the oven, and I could smell her cookies in the air. She smiled and gave me a hug. "So, I heard you head a rough day yesterday," Val said cautiously.

"You can thank your husband for that one," I stated, grabbing a cookie off the hot pan.

She sighed, "I'm sorry. He just wants what's best for you. You're like a daughter to him, you know. You're a daughter to me too, but you'll always be special in his eyes."

Of course.
"Well, can't you keep a leash on him or something?" I asked and she laughed, obviously not catching on that I wasn't joking.

Before she could say anything else the door opened. Dad, Matt, Johnny, and Jimmy walked in. All of which were carrying bags of either alcohol or charcoal for the barbecue. "You're up," Dad muttered, tossing the bags onto the counter.

"Much to my dismay, yes," I retorted. He rolled his eyes.

"Come help me start the grill," He said, and I followed him out the door, but not before stopping and turning to Matt, who was behind us.

"Not you. You stay," I pointed and shut the door in his face before following Dad by the pool where he opened up the grill. I watched him as he grabbed a bag of charcoal, unloading the contents.

"I'm still upset with you," He said.

"I never said you weren't," I replied.

"I'm more upset that you didn't tell me where you were. I was worried as soon as your teacher told me practice was already over. Why can't you just ever tell me the truth?"

"Do we really have to talk about this now?" I asked and he looked over at me before sighing.

"This conversation isn't over. And tomorrow we're going over a list of colleges and majors. You're picking your top five schools tomorrow and you're submitting applications as soon as possible," He stated and I rolled my eyes, "I'm not fucking around with you, Liza."

"I know you aren't. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go put gun in my mouth," I said before walking off.

If only I had a gun.

As more and more people started to show up, the more bored I became. Everyone seemed to be asking questions about me. How was band. What's school like. Am I read for college. I was counting down the minutes until my father was too drunk to walk so I could make my escape.

When I saw Dad trip on his way to grabbing another beer I slipped upstairs. I went into my room, shutting and locking the door behind me. I shimmied out of my shorts before throwing on a pair of liquid black leggings. I pair them with a cropped sweater embellished with studs before completing my look with black heeled boots with tiny studs on the heel. I freshened my makeup, added a dark maroon lipstick, and was heading down the stairs.

I waited at the top for whoever was in the kitchen to leave. I was Zacky, grabbing another case of beer to restock outside. Once I heard the backyard door close, and the music became muffled, I bolted it down the stairs. I grabbed my keys off the table before jogging outside and hopping in my car. I revved the engine and before anyone could notice I was already down the street.

Once I was in the clear I slowed my car down before turning left so I could pick up Amanda and Alicia. "You look so cute! Let me borrow that sweater sometime, yeah?" Alicia asked, sliding into the backseat. She dressed well in a black mini-skirt and a baggy tank with a cropped blazer. Amanda wore denim skinnies with a flowing blouse, her hair flowing down her side.

"Anytime," I assured her before taking off down the street.

"So what happened with your dad?" Amanda asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Johnson called him," I said before explaining the entire story to them. I explained how Matt showed up and I escaped to my room to smoke.

"Liza, you're a fucking Einstein. Why don't you just tough it out for four more years and be done? Get a good job so you don't have to deal with your dad anymore?" Alicia asked.

It's not that simple.
"Why should I have to? Because he says so?"

"No, because that's how you get a job and make money," She intervened before huffing, "I mean. You can afford college, so just do it. So many other kids are barely managing community college. Your dad can pay off Harvard in a year."

No one understands.
"Yeah well we're going over schools tomorrow apparently, if he's not too hung over," I said, just to shut her up. We were pulling up to the house anyways, and I needed a drink. I parked on the curb, hoping no one would run into my car.

The party was in full swing when we arrived, and drinks were being poured left and right. Haven. A place to forget.

An hour into the party I could feel the soft vibration of my phone coming through my clutch. I opened it, my vision somewhat blurry already, and pulled it out, unlocking the screen. I squinted to see the caller, only to see Zack's name come up. I ignored it before scrolling through my missed calls. Gena had called too, as well as my Dad. For a split second I almost debated heading home.

Maybe I'll get lucky and swerve into a pole.
"Fuck it," I muttered, tossing my phone back into the clutch, ready to get another drink.

I didn't want to remember in the morning.