Running Home

I was fourteen years old when I met him. I didn’t know his story, or anything, but I was still attracted to him. He was the kid that sat next to me in math class. We became acquaintances, and he would sit next to me on the bus ride home. He got off the bus a few stops before me, and literally ran home everyday. Everybody would laugh at him for doing so, but I sensed that there was a reason he did this. When I was sixteen years old I finally found out that reason. Josh would run off the bus everyday, and run home, to make sure that his sister hadn’t killed herself while he was at school. It was such heartbreaking news to hear that my breath literally got caught in my throat when I heard him tell me. Honestly, it was just terrible news to hear. I couldn’t imagine myself in that situation, but being an only child I didn’t have to. I thought about suicide quite a lot and hearing him tell me that he would run home everyday just to make sure that his sister hadn’t killed herself while he was in school made me realize that I had to be alive, because if anyone cared even just a fraction of what he cared for his sister I knew that someone would miss me, and that helped me stay. He helped me stay. I really liked him a lot, he became my best friend in those two years. I don’t know, I just realized that I wanted to be more than friends with him. See, I knew I was gay since I was twelve years old, but Josh never mentioned if he was, then again he never mentioned that he was straight either. Josh didn’t have a girlfriend, and if he did, he never talked about her. Josh didn’t have a boyfriend, but if he did, he didn’t talk about him. I kind of just assumed he was single all the time. Also, because he never really brought up a mention of his sexual orientation, I just considered him straight, so I would never act on my crush on him. Instead, I settled for best friends, and he honestly was my best friend, I told him everything. Though I don’t think I was his best friend because he kept so much from me, not that I minded because I didn’t want to push him to talk. I didn’t want to break barriers between us, because I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. I also remember when I turned seventeen, I had just started my senior year in high school, and me and Josh shared four out of seven classes together. Josh and I sat next to each other in those four classes, and sat next to each other on the bus. Being seventeen, I had my own car but I kind of wanted to be there with him on the bus. I wanted to be able to calm Josh’s nerves a bit before he ran home. Two months later Christmas break rolled around, and I gave Josh his present on the last day of school because I knew we wouldn’t be seeing each other over winter break, because I had to fly to New York to spend the holidays with my distant family. During break I got a few text messages from him, and they all stated that he couldn’t be my friend anymore. I called him and asked why he didn’t want to be my friend anymore, I wanted the real reason. When he answered the phone I asked him for his real reasoning and he just said he couldn’t be my friend anymore because he didn’t want to be. That was the end of our conversation though, because he hung up. I continued out break though with thoughts of Josh in my mind, with thoughts of a failed friendship haunting me. When it was time to go back to school I decided to not take the bus, and drove my car. I sat in the backs of the classrooms and drove myself home everyday. It was heartbreaking to lose my best friend, who also happened to be my only friend, but I couldn’t really change the situation. About a month and a half later, after school had resumed, my car was in the shop because of a problem with the tie rods, which left me forced to take the bus. When I got on the bus after school, I sat by myself, and I watched as Josh got off the bus. Again Josh got off a few stops before me, but what threw me off was that Josh didn’t run he just walked, and he paced himself slowly. I got off of the bus at the next stop and just ran after him, I caught up with him just as he was about to walk through his front door. I looked at Josh and just said “Please tell me no, tell me that it didn’t happen, tell me that that’s not why you stopped running.” Josh just looked at me and then he broke down sobbing. In between his sobs I could hear Josh saying “she left me, she left and she’s not coming back, and it’s all my fault. During Christmas break I felt terrible for not getting you a present so I wanted to go shopping for you, I asked her if she was going to be okay while I left, I ASKED! She was fine, she just smiled and it seemed like such a real smile, she said she’d be fine! But she wasn’t fine, the smile wasn’t real!” He broke down in sobs again and I tried my best to sooth him, he calmed down enough to finish telling me his story. “I was gone just over an hour” he said “and when I came back there were notes. I was the one to find her, I found her in her closet. I let her go, I let her down, I should’ve been there. I left her for you, I let my sister die because I had to get you a fucking Christmas present. I know that I shouldn’t be blaming myself, but it’s so fucking hard not to because I could’ve been there, I could’ve stopped her. I know she wouldn’t of done it had I been home.” Then I remember just holding Josh, and I carried him inside to lay him on the couch, I told Josh to sleep for a little while. Just as Josh was about to fall asleep I heard him say “I’m sorry” and I said “What are you sorry for?” and he said “I pushed you away, Dayton.” I tensed at that but I pushed past it and said “it’s okay” but Josh fought with me and said that it wasn’t okay that he pushed me away. I gave up on the battle and instead asked why he did it and he said “because I saw the scars on your wrists, I saw them on your thighs when you would take your sweatpants off to sleep, I saw them, and I realized that you’re just like her. I didn’t want to get too close incase you decided to leave me too. I figured it would just be easier to let you go, than to have you actually leave me. It sounds so stupid but I didn’t want you to leave me by choice, I wanted you to stay.” I sat there at the edge of the couch stunned by his words until I managed to come out of my stupor. “Josh, look at me” I said. “I’m not leaving, those scars are all old. I haven’t cut myself since the day that you told me that you run home from the bus just to make sure that your sister hasn’t killed herself while you were away at school. I haven’t cut myself since that day because I realized that you’re my best friend and I couldn’t leave because I saw how torn up you were with the thought of your sister leaving. I realized that if anyone cared just two percent of what you did for your sister for me then I couldn’t make them go through what your sister put you through.” I paused for a moment not knowing how to bring up the next part but then just decided to get it over with. “I know this is so inappropriate to tell you especially when you’re bearing your heart out to me about your sister, and you pushing me away and all that but, I have liked you since I was fifteen years old and since then I didn’t want to leave. Things had gotten hard for me though so I continued cutting, but when you told me about your sister I completely stopped so yeah. So thank you for saving my life, but also you’re not the person to blame for your sister dying because it was what she wanted. You couldn’t have stopped it, you couldn’t have stopped her, because you couldn’t always be there for her. Most of all though, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that she left you, but I won’t leave so please don’t make me leave. Don’t make me leave again.” Before the words could be completely spoken Josh is kissing me, really kissing me, and I kissed back. I could feel Josh’s cascading tears landing on my cheeks as we kissed so I cupped his face and wiped his tears with my thumbs. When Josh and I broke the kiss I catch him smiling and he says “that made my day a lot better, cause honestly I’ve had a crush on you since the first math class.” I kissed Josh again after that and I asked him “will you be my boyfriend?” Josh said yes, and I remember just smiling like a fool, and kissed him again. This time I pulled away from the kiss and held out my pinky and he held out his, and we interlocked them and I told him “I promise, I pinky promise, that I won’t leave you like she did.”