I Hate the Way You Say My Name, Like It's Something Secret

Shit, Shit, Shit. I just kissed my brothers friend. Fuck. Oh my god. I couldn’t help it. Why does my brothers friend have to be so god damn hot? He’s probably going to hate me now. Why did I have to do that? I have a crush on my brothers friend! There’s so many things wrong with that. Damn, Fuck, Shit. Why me?

I pick up my sketch book and start to draw, I don’t even realise what I drew until I look. Oh crap. I drew Frank. I’m not going to be able to get him out of my mind am I? Crap I fucking drew Frank! Maybe lyrics or just writing would me better at the moment.

I heard the front door open and close and someone coming up the stairs.
“Gerard why the fuck did you do it?” Mikey shouts at me. How the hell did he know that I kissed Frank.
“I didn’t mean to, I swear,” I choke out. Oh god what’s he gonna do?
“How can you not mean to? You don’t just do what you did and not mean it,” He screams.
“I swear I didn’t mean to kiss him,” I manage to get out.
“What? What the fuck Gerard? Who did you kiss?” Mikey asks. Oh shit he doesn’t know. He was talking about something else. Oh yeah the thing with the cat. Fuck.
“Um no one,” I say “Oh and Mikey?”
“Yeah.”
“Get the fuck out of my room!” I shout. Mikey walks out of my room. I know I act like I hate Mikey and sometimes I do but I miss when we were younger and we told each other everything. We weren’t just brothers we were best friends. I have no idea when it all went wrong.

I walk over to my CD player and press play. The familiar sound of The smashing pumpkins flows out of the CD player and fills the room. I sit behind my easel and continue with my art homework. Slowly the drawing was becoming more than just meaningless shapes.

I have to draw a person or people. I just keep drawing, I get lost in it. Lost in the music, lost in the pencil moving across the paper, I hope it will be alright. I never think my work is any good but my teacher always says that it is really good.

“Gerard dinner,” Mom calls up to me. (A/N: she came home.) Mom calling me for dinner snapped me out of my daze and I look at what I’ve drawn. Oh my god. No please no. I’ve drawn Frank, again, but this time it’s a drawing of me and him and I have my arms wrapped around him from behind. Oh shit. I can’t give this in to my teacher. I’ll tell her tomorrow that I’m starting again but what do I do with this drawing. I don’t really want to get rid of it but Frank can never find it. If he does then I won’t know how to explain it. I’ve probably freaked him out by kissing him. He probably hates me.

“Gerard are you coming?” Mom shouts up the stairs.
“Yeah sorry Mom,” I say. I go down stairs but make sure that my door is shut. My parents know I’m gay. My Moms fine with it. My Dad just ignores the fact and tries to forget about it. I walk into the dinning room and sit down. I keep quiet all through the meal. Not that I have much to say unless I tell them that I kissed Mikey’s friend which I’m not saying with Mikey in the room. So I just sit quietly.

I’m not going to throw the drawing away. For once I think it’s good so I’ll finish it and secretly treasure it. As soon as dinner is finished I’m back in my room finishing the drawing for someone who’ll never see it.

At midnight I look at the nearly finished drawing. It’s beautiful for something of mine. I’m so tired though. If I continue I will probably completely fuck up the drawing. I’m so tired. I change into my sleeping clothes and slide under the covers. As soon as my head hit’s the pillow I’m asleep.

*Dream*
I’m standing in the middle of a room. I’m holding on to Frank for dear life and he’s holding on to me. He looks up at me.
“I’m scared, I don’t want him to hurt me,” Frank say’s shakily. I just lean down and kiss him. It’s the most amazing kiss I’ve ever had. Just then I hear a gun shot and I see blood flowing steadily from a gunshot wound in Franks back. He looks up at me sheer panic in his eyes. He goes limp in my arms. The only thing keeping him form falling to the ground is me.
“No Frank don’t doe I lo…”
*End Dream*
The obnoxious loud ring of my alarm clock brings me out of my dream. Shit. I’m falling form my brothers friend and fast,

I look over at the drawing. What am I going to tell my art teacher Miss Lexal? I’ve done an amazing drawing but I’m not letting her see it.

I drag myself out if bed and downstairs to the bathroom. I try the door handle but it’s locked. I can hear Mom in the kitchen and Dad will already be at work.
“Mikey get out of the fucking bathroom now,” I scream.
“No wait you turn,” Mikey screeches back.
“Gerard don’t swear,” Mom calls.
“Mikey get out now or I’m breaking the door down,” I shout.
“Fine,” Mikey says opening the door and stepping out. I step into the bathroom and go about my daily routine.

After I’ve showered, changed, put eyeliner on and eaten (and drank some coffee of course) I find myself in the car on the way to school. I have art first lesson. What am I going to tell miss? Shit. Why didn’t I think about this earlier.

I walk to my locker trying to avoid jocks. Luckily today I’m early so none of them are here yet. By first lesson I still have no idea what to tell my teacher.

I walk up to the teacher,
“Miss Lexal?” I say. She smiles at me.
“Yes Gerard?” she asks.
“Um is it okay if I start my work over. I really didn’t like it and I have another better idea,” I say.
“Yes it is okay Gerard, but the due date is still the same,” She sighs. I hardly ever do this but when I do I usually have good reason to.

I spend the lesson trying to redo my project, with a different theme of course. This time I star a drawing of a fallen angel. The wings are bent and broken and blood is flowing form a wound on the angels side.

The day is a normal one. I get punched and beaten up the jocks and at the end of the day I hate myself that little bit more. On the drive home I think about Frank again. He’s all I’ve been able to think about today. I need to stop thinking about him.

I walk up to the door and unlock it. I rum up to my room and make sure no one has done anything to my drawing. I put a Iron Maiden CD in the player and sit in front of me easel to start to finish it. I’m sitting with my back to the door.

I get up to go and get my other art pencils. It’s nearly finished. I can’t believe it I’ve actually done a good piece of art. Too bad no one will ever see it. I still haven’t found those damn pencils.

I may not have heard my door open but I sure as hell heard the gasp form the door way. I turn round and see him staring at the picture with a shocked expression.