Wretched and Divine

The Mourner suggested we stay somewhere else that night, and I put up a poor fight of why we should stay with Bellamy. But it was decided we stay in a similar place to the one at the beginning of our journey and I begrudgingly obliged. However that didn’t stop me going to see her when evening came.
I left the four in each other’s company and made my way across the village. As I made my way closer, I could see her bustling outside, doing something with the square crate. She noticed me coming and stood up straight to greet me.
"What are you doing here so late?"
"Well hello to you too."
"Sorry. But seriously though, I thought you'd be tired or something."
"Can't I just see a friend?"
That was my first mistake. I shouldn't have called her a friend, it was a rule I had personally made. But she smiled when I said it, like she was glad I acknowledged her as one. I wanted to tell her more, tell her that at times I wanted her to be more than friends. But I couldn't. I was such an idiot thinking about her that way. It had only just met her for fuck’s sake. But it was just the way she was. She was the perfect mortal in this era. Strong and independent, yet she was beautiful and deserved to live without fear since she still had hope.
"I have to put Inigo to sleep then I'll be back out and we can talk if you want." She informed. I nodded and she entered her place. I sat down next to the door.
I could hear mumbling from inside, the walls were thinner than they looked. Some chuckling could be heard, it made me smirk. It was nice to hear the chime of her voice sound so positive. Soon after a little silence I heard a melodic tune. I leant over and cracked open the door and listened clearly.
It was beautiful, that's what I can remember. It wasn't words I recognised, but it was the sweetest sound I had ever heard in my life. She sang Inigo to sleep. I admired her more for doing that. Letting him have the comfort of his sister in a time like that was special, they were clearly closer than anything.
It was like she had a secret hate for me. I didn't want to like her, but it was so difficult to hate her, she was just ... perfect. There, I admitted it. I wanted to keep her safe, to make her laugh and to be there when this mess was over. I fucking hated that I felt like this, but in the end I knew she'd be worth it.
She'd finished singing and I had to quickly return to my original position so she wouldn't suspect I was spying on her. I tapped my foot rhythmically as I waited and soon enough she opened the door. She closed it slowly yet it still creaked loudly, it must've been an old door. She joined me by sitting on my other side and sighed as she leaned her head back.
"You're a good singer." I eventually said. She turned her head to me and chuckled.
"You heard me?"
She seemed embarrassed, but there really was no need. She sang like an angel and she needed to know it.
"What language were you speaking?"
"The language of where I originally came from. I say 'Lay your head for this is the first, close your eyes it's the day of the curse, if you dream tonight let your soul be free, for he is here the one for me'." And then she did something unexpected, tears started forming in her eyes.
"Our mother used to sing it for us, but I didn't know she was trying to tell us something. I only realised on the day she ... died." She sniffed in and wiped away her tears, I was dumbfounded to say the least. Someone who I thought had it all together just broke down right in front of my eyes.
I felt completely useless; I was just staring at her like an imbecile.
"She was singing about them. But Inigo doesn't understand, and he demands I sing it to him every night. He's too young to understand." And with that she entered silence. I didn't say anything either.
I knew verbal comfort wouldn't have helped her. I knew she was mature enough to know that what she was singing was almost sick, and she would've been tired of hearing it. Out of instinct I went for her hand.
As our fingers intertwined she peered at me through her drooping hair. She closed her eyes and collapsed her body against mine. I wrapped my free arm around her and head her close. If anything I would have ruled this kind of contact out for that night, but we got caught up with ourselves and I didn't want to draw away. I cradled her body in my arms as she stayed there silently, not saying a word or weeping. I rocked her slightly, I didn't even realise I was doing it still she shifted a little in my lap.
After a while she lifted up her head. All of her hair was messed up at the front, and I tried not to smirk and I brushed a few strands away from her eyes. She sat up properly after a moment of sorting out her hair and brushing down her dress, making a little dust cloud at our feet since her skirt was quite dirty. She sighed heavily so I took her hand in mine again. She didn't say anything at first so I gave it a squeeze of comfort and she responded by giving me a small side smile. Despite her smile made me feel warm inside, the one she gave was a little deflated and it pulled on my heart strings to see her in such emotional pain.
She had been through so much, I suspect that her life before F.E.A.R was one she could barely remember since it seemed all of the happiness in her body was gone. She seemed completely fine on the outside, but she had clearly put on a mask to hide her true emotions from her brother for she had to be strong for him.
After a few moments of silence I felt like it was time to talk, but I didn't know what to say at first. After a minute of deep thought inside the thing that first came into my mind.
"Singing that song to him doesn't make you a bad person, and I know it hurts to sing it, but it comforts him and that should be how it is. It reminds him of his mother so it should be ok."
"I guess. I ... I just miss them so much." She was going through the same pain as I was, except we were handling it differently. I sought out the need to 'burden' myself with other people's distraught feelings, yet it didn't feel like such a burden with Bellamy. I wanted to know everything about her, I wanted to know all of her trouble’s so I could get rid of them myself. She however let the feelings pile upon each other. It was unhealthy to do so but really I was no better. We both were ruining our emotional stability for the long term. I could tell that she was losing hope to the flames of F.E.A.R and I had to stop it. I just had to. Worry was filling me up every second I was thinking about.
"Bellamy! Please don't burn out!" I exclaimed.
She creased her eyebrows. "What?"
I sighed. "Ok, I'm going to sound extremely philosophical so you've been warned. The fire of life is different from the flames F.E.A.R is creating. I'll keep you away from those flames, but you have to promise me that the fire in YOU won't burn out."
In the second of silence that was between me talking and her response I saw her eyes dart across my face, I'm guessing out of slight confusion and questioning. But her answer was worthwhile.
"I promise."
She returned to her original position and lifted up her head to gaze at the stars. I looked up with her and saw a marvellous sight. There wasn't a cloud in sight and every silver dot was as bright as the next. It was a sight I hadn't witnessed in a while, and it was beautiful.
"You know, I imagined the F.E.A.R age was going to be different. I don't know why though."
"What did you think would happen?" I had tilted my head to look at her but she still looked up dreamily at the twinkling night sky.
"I honestly can't remember. It was so long ago since it started. I guess I dreamed of someone saving me."
"What kind of person?"
"Something cliché, a knight in shining armour."
"That's a bit far-fetched considering that his armour would scorch in the heat. He'd be red hot by the time he'd get to you."
She faked a swoon. "Oh, my crimson saviour would be there for me." I chuckled a little.
She then turned her head to me. "Why won't you tell me your name?"
I hesitated answering, but I knew what I had to say. "I can't."
"Oh come on, I bet it's not as bad as Bellamy."
"Your name's beautiful."
"Ok, but it can't be as bad as Inigo."
We both laughed together, it wed therapeutic to see her at ease. The laughter died down after a minute and we were back to silence again. I began stroking my thumb against her skin, enjoying how soft the back of her hands were. That moment was the nicest since I knew that my family were alive. I was at complete peace with myself for just a moment.
"Come on Mystery Man, I think it's time you went to get some sleep." And with that we stood up. I kissed her on the check as a goodbye but I lingered. I wanted to kiss her properly; I bet she'd never been kissed before. However I knew it was inappropriate so I bid my farewells and left with a smile on my face and a warm feeling inside me.