Insane Love

"I don't know what to do." I threw my phone on the couch again. My good mood from beating the Islanders 5-4 in overtime yesterday, had gone down since I had listened to Lana's voice-mail multiple times already. She had left it in the morning, according to the time on my phone.

"Alright, show me the message." Tyler looked away from the TV.

I picked up my phone again and clicked on the voicemail--- "Hi.. um, it's Lana. Mia's friend. I don't know if you remember me but I want to talk to you about her. She's been acting a little.... I don't really know. I really think you should call me back so you guys can work something out. Bye-bye."

"She's been acting a little what?" Tyler quoted. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I sighed and cupped my face in my hands, "I don't know."

"You should call her back." he advised.

"But what do I say?" I blurted. "Mia went with that guy for a reason. Maybe her friend wants us together but Mia obviously doesn't."

"You don't know that." Ty said quietly. "Dude. Let her explain at least."

I sighed heavily and picked up my phone again. Tyler watched as I went through my old calls and clicked on Lana's number. I put it to my ear and swallowed as it rang.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hey." I mumbled.

"Colton?" Lana asked.

"Yeah, it's me. I got your voice-mail." I scratched my forehead.

"Are you back from New York?" she questioned.

"Yeah, we got back yesterday night." I said while looking at Ty. "I'm at Bozie's place. Do you want to meet up somewhere?"

"How about Tim Horton's? The one by the Walmart?" Lana suggested.

"Okay, we'll be there in 5 minutes." I stood up and grabbed my car keys.

"I'll see you guys soon." she said before ending the call.

"What did she say when you said my name?" Tyler whispered.

I cracked a loud laugh and replied, "I think she's gonna be the one wearing the pants if you're ever in a relationship."



"Hey," Lana sat down across from us once she ordered a medium hot-chocolate.

"Hey!" Tyler smiled. "How are you?"

"I'm alright, how are you?" she beamed.

"Good," he nodded slightly and took a sip of his double-double.

Lana and Tyler then both looked at me. He had a smirk on his face while she had just a simple smile. She was so clueless, so unsure, so blind of the fact that he liked her.

I didn't smile back, instead, I sighed and asked what I probably shouldn't have, "How is she?"

"I haven't seen her since Wednesday, and she won't answer her phone. I've been too busy with blueprints for a new building downtown we're working on, so I haven't gotten the chance to see her." Lana bit her bottom lip.

I hadn't seen Mia since Monday when we didn't say a thing to each other. I don't think she was on the trip to Long Island because I didn't see her there, either.

Lana must have read right through my mind to know how I felt because then she added, "Look, Colton, as mad as you are.. you have to discuss it with her."

"And what? Listen to her talk about how she would rather be with whoever that faggot was, instead of me!?" I said it louder than I meant to. It caused a few elderly women to turn from their seats for a moment and glance at me. I took a few quiet deep breaths and tried to stay calm. "I'm tired of constantly being turned away from her."

"It's not like that." she gulped. "Trust me."

"Then how is it?" I asked more quietly.

Lana studied my face. I looked at her and could tell she was thinking twice about her next words, "She cried."

I felt like I just got punched in the stomach. The thought of her crying made me feel worse than I ever have about anything else. I stayed motionless, trying to get my thoughts together. I tried to say something but nothing seemed to come out. I stared at the ground and felt both Lana's and Tyler's worried eyes on me.

"Why?" I managed to say, but still didn't make eye-contact with anyone. It was almost like a whisper, so quiet that only they could hear.

"She misses you." Lana said clearly. I didn't take my eyes off the Tim Horton's history sign on the wall, so she continued, "Honestly, I suggested she should move on because I wasn't sure about you two but now I am and--"

I was frustrated with all the things she just stated. "Misses me? And wait, move on? What?"

Lana took a couple long sips of her hot chocolate and then licked her lips, "I would rather you hear this from her."

"What did she say when you told her to move on?" I asked impatiently.

"Mia refused. She didn't kiss Kyle, the guy she was with, because..."

I shook my head lightly and gulped. I wanted to slap myself for easily assuming that they had kissed. But right now, I needed to figure this out, "Why!?"

"I don't know if she wants me to tell you." she swallowed.

"Lana!" I urged. "Tell me!"

Tyler and I both leaned in, begging for an answer by the look on our faces. She stared at us back and forth. She sighed and placed her elbows on the Tim's coffee table. That's when Lana said something that I had been dying to hear. Something that had crossed my mind multiple times but I had always denied it. "She loves you, Colton."

Everything slowly blanked out in my head and my mouth became dry from staying open for so long. The only things making noise were the coffee machines, the customers ordering, the cashiers speaking, and the reactions of the few people who got 'Please try again.' in Roll Up The Rim. The air suddenly got cooler inside and without knowing, an hour had passed by since we got here, making the sky darker. I kept my face directed toward the window and I stared at the gray clouds that were forming. I looked back down at the slightly warm coffee cup in front of me.

I believed Lana. Even though we had only known each other for barely a week, I trusted her. She was one of her best friends. I let my thoughts unravel in my head. I had spent almost a year trying to sleep with Mia but months of getting to know her better, as well. More months of joking around playfully. Days of getting treated in the medical room for different injuries. A week of ignoring her because she had spent only a couple hours with a guy she didn't even kiss.

Five minutes was all I needed to remember that I love her, and only five seconds to realize, "I need to see her."

Lana's worried eyes quickly changed into a smile. Tyler beamed at me, as well. She pressed her touch screen a few times and placed her phone by her ear and tucked a strand of black hair behind her other one. We waited.

It rang once, then twice, then three times.. then four.. five.. six.. "Hi! I'm not home at the moment, please leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you!"

"Weird." Lana hung up before the beep and looked at me, "I'll try her cell."

I bit my lip and watched her place the phone by her ear again. We had decided that it was best if Lana called her first, instead of me. But then only after a few seconds, Lana squinted her eyes and furrowed her eyebrows while looking down at the phone in her hand. "It didn't even ring.. maybe her battery is low."

"Do you think she turned her phone off?" Tyler drank the rest of his coffee. He then rolled up the rim and chuckled, "Who wants a doughnut?"

"This isn't the time, Boz." I managed to grin and so did Lana.

"Whatever, that means it's all for me." he mumbled.

"Zoe!" Lana practically jumped out of her seat.

Without any questions or answers, Tyler and I followed behind Lana's BMW in my Mercedes. She made a couple turns and drove straight for a while, stopping at a few red lights and speeding past a yellow one. We pulled over by a curb and got out of the car.

Lana walked up the sidewalk and rang the doorbell as we stood beside her. It took a few seconds but the lights inside flickered on and someone opened the door in their pajamas, rubbing their eyes.

"Were you seriously sleeping?" Lana laughed.

"Ugh.. yessss," Zoe yawned. "It's 10 o'clock, I'm tired." she then forced her eyes open by blinking a couple times and looked at us. "Colton? Tyler?"

"Hey'ya." Tyler said, mouth-full with half a doughnut inside.

"Come inside," Zoe held the door open and we stepped inside her house.

"Listen, have you heard from Mia lately?" Lana asked. Whether it was the cold Winter night, or her name, I got goosebumps.

Zoe crossed her arms around her chest and looked at us uncomfortably. She bit her lip, "You don't know?"

"Know what?" Lana looked confused.

Zoe stayed silent for a bit before saying, "She took a train to Ottawa yesterday."

"Why?" I blurted out.

"She didn't move.... yet." Zoe swallowed. "But she said she needs to go for a while and take a break, so she texted me last night saying that she's staying at a friend's house in Ottawa."

"Break from what?" I panicked. "Work?"

Lana just simply looked at the ground, and then back up at Zoe, knowingly, "She quit, didn't she?"

"Yeah.. yesterday morning." Zoe said quietly.

"Do you know where she went?" Lana licked her lips.

"I don't know.." Zoe gave me an uneasy look. "I'm sorry."

I just stood there. Hands trembling in the cold, feet aching from moving all day, head pounding from all the information. They stared at me, frowning. Tyler looked like he was upset and I could almost sense him feeling bad for me. I could almost sense all of them feeling bad for me. But what I could really sense the most, was my stomach dropping from sky-high to what seemed like the depths of the ocean.

And I swear, that at the moment, I could feel my heart ache.

***



I unpacked the rest of my suitcase and then hung up my clothes in the closet. I had somehow forgotten my iPhone charger on the train so it died from low battery. I finally unloaded everything tonight, since I was too tired last night. I put a framed picture of Zoe, Lana and I at the beach on the night stand. I glanced over at Kabby who was just licking his paws, sitting on the black carpet.

I turned the knob and walked into the living room, where I saw Kyle sitting on the couch, looking concentrated at something on the laptop screen. I sat a fair distance beside him and he looked over, smiling.

"What are you doing?" I asked nicely.

He glanced back down at the screen, "Writing out an injury updates report on Spezza."

"Ugh, Senators stuff." I scrunched my nose and rolled my eyes.

"Don't be so immature!" he laughed.

"Are you hungry?"

"Starving, actually." Kyle placed his hand on his stomach.

"Hmmm," I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and looked at all the ingredients I needed. "Omelet?"

"Yes please," he grinned.

Once the eggs were ready and the vegetables were placed on, I put the plates on the table and called him over. He sat across and we ate quietly, but not awkwardly.

Every time I looked at him, the first thing that would flash through my head was Colton's facial expression that night at the hotel. I hated myself more and more. Ottawa was the place I surprisingly preferred, for my break from Toronto. I know it's not too far but at least it's far enough. It hurt me, a lot, to quit my job. It really hurt quitting my dream job all because I couldn't deal with seeing Colton anymore. All it took was a nightmare that still feels like a vision.

I quit respectively, though. I assured Jordon, Scott, Randy and the rest of the staff that I loved working for them but it was time to move on. I said my farewells to most of the boys at the airport before they flew to play the Isles. Colton, Tyler, Joffrey and Matt were the only ones I didn't say bye to. Colton-- by choice, he ignored me. Tyler boarded the plane early without knowing I was leaving-- according to Phil, and Joffrey and Matt were on the injury reserve. Brownie was the one who did not seem very keen about me leaving, at all. He hugged me and said both he and Colton will miss me, along with everyone else.

A part of me will always wonder what would have happened with Colton and I. What would have happened between us if he removed his headphones and what we would have talked about or how we would have said bye. I will always wonder and think of the way it would have been if I had admitted how I really feel about him. The way it could've and should've happened.

I'm still not done with Toronto, though. I still haven't even said goodbye to Lana and my other friends, besides Zoe and Mike, or called my real estate agent to sell my home. I already miss working for the Leafs. I'm going to miss seeing them get pumped up in the pregame warmups, play indoor soccer before a game, celebrate after a win, get drunk at bars in every city. They made me happy. Colton still made me happy.

When I called Kyle yesterday, he was very warm and welcoming, but I obviously know that I had to find my own place soon. It wasn't Kyle's fault about what happened with me and Colton. It was simply my fault and I was going to have to get over it. Forgiving myself is going to be one of the many hard tasks, right below the most toughest one.. I had to make myself not love Colton anymore.

I was really considering staying in Ottawa and starting a new life chapter here in parliament city. I know I could find a sports medicine job again if I looked around. I glanced up at Kyle and shook myself out of my deep thoughts, "You know what else this house could use?"

"What?" he smiled.

"Flowers." I grinned. "I think I'm gonna go to the florist and get some tomorrow."

"That would be cool," he said looking at the living room. "This place could use some life. It's so dull."

"I love it here. Thanks again for letting me stay. I promise I'll be out of your hair as soon as I find a nice apartment." I told him.

"Don't worry about it," he put his hand over mine which rested on the table, but only for a second. "You're welcome to stay here for as long as you'd like, remember that."





"I should be there by 3." I zipped up my large backpack and started walking to my car.

"You sure you don't want us to drive you?" Brownie took the bag from me and placed it in the trunk.

"Thanks but it's all good," I patted him and Tyler on the shoulder.

"You're doing a smart thing." Ty spoke. "I hope you find her."

"Yeah, I hope so too." I got inside my car and waved goodbye to them. "I'll see you hopefully tonight, if not, tomorrow." At this point, I was glad we had a 3 day break until our next game on Monday against the Devils. I had no idea where she went, but I knew one thing, and it's that she's in Ottawa. That should be enough for me to be able to find her.

....

"Do you know any close hotels around here?" I rolled down my window and asked a man who was walking on the sidewalk. Besides the one we always stay at when we play the Senators, I had no idea.

"There's a Super 8 down the street, and another Hilton if you keep walking and turn left." he signaled.

"Thanks man." I drove and saw the 'SUPER 8' sign only a few feet away from me, so I parked in the lot. Finding a hotel was the least of my worries. I knew I was looking for something more important.

After checking in, getting a room and leaving my bag there, I decided to go for a walk. None of us knew where she went, so I was on my own with trying to find her. I glanced up at the bright blue afternoon sky and continued walking ahead on the sidewalk. The buildings around me weren't very large since I wasn't downtown, but they weren't too small either. I looked at Tim Horton's which stood beside McDonald's. Then I turned my head to my right to see all the people rushing into the Chinese restaurant. The sun was shining and it wasn't cold at all.

I had practically no idea where I was going, but I just kept walking, glancing at more restaurants and hotels. Wet roads, black cars, coffee shops, flower shops. I slowed my speed down once I saw the flower shop on the other side of the road. I remembered that it was the same flower shop I stopped at to get flowers for her. There was a tree blocking my view from where I was standing, so I walked a little further, not taking my eyes off the Bella's Garden sign.

I crossed the street and continued walking at a decently slow pace. I saw the women with children walking inside to smell the flowers that hung from the roof-side. I realized that I was only about 10 feet away and just stared at the colorful flowers. I walked inside and that's when I saw a girl from behind, leaning down to a houseplant pot, smelling the red roses that were placed in it. Her dark brown hair fell down her back and she carried a white purse on her shoulder. Her back still faced me as she lifted her hand up to touch another bouquet of lilies, and once I saw the dove tattoo on her wrist, I knew.

"Mia." I breathed.

She stopped looking at the plants in front of her, and stopped moving her hand. She stayed still for a moment and rose up from her knees, so she was now standing in front of me, although she still didn't turn around. I stood behind her, waiting patiently, until I became impatient. But I wanted her to look, by choice, so I just kept waiting. She finally glanced over her shoulder and turned her whole body around so she was now facing me. Those brown eyes and plump lips. "Colton." she swallowed.

We stood in silence, just scanning each other's faces and then staring our bodies down. I didn't realize how much I had missed her until now. I wanted, so desperately, to kiss her, but I had to hear her say what Lana told me.

"How are you?" I asked, not taking my eyes off of hers.

"I'm okay," Mia gave me a faint smile. "How are you?"

"Better now." I replied honestly. "Can you.. do you want to go and talk?"

She licked her lips and looked at the ground. Her eyes then met mine and she said, "Yeah, okay."

We left the florist shop, beside each other, but our bodies didn't touch. I stayed a friendly amount of space away from her and we just took steps quietly ahead. After 2 minutes, we were away from the busy road and we walked down what looked like an abandoned lane, although it had old houses on both sides of it.

"Are you cold?" I looked down at her.

"No, I'm good." Mia quickly turned her eyes back on the road. She looked like she was thinking hard about something.

I took a deep breath, "Why'd you leave?"

She exhaled a sigh and we continued walking more slowly, until she said, "I needed a break."

I stopped and she did the same. Our bodies turned to face each other. "Why didn't you tell me you were gonna quit?" I expressed.

"You didn't want to know," she said coldly. She swallowed again before adding, "I thought you made it pretty clear that you don't want to speak to me."

"I was mad." I took a small step closer to her.

"You had the right to be." Mia admitted and looked down at the ground in front of us.

It was more than hard to look at her like this. I just needed her to say it. I needed to hear those words come out of her mouth before I do anything. "If you needed a break, why didn't you just ask for a vacation?"

"Because I'm not going back to Toronto." she looked back up at my eyes. "I have to get my stuff and say bye to my friends but I'm not living there anymore."

"Why Ottawa?" I asked quickly. "Where are you staying?"

She bit her bottom lip and I already figured the answer before she told me, "I'm staying in Kyle's guestroom for a bit before I can get my own apartment."

I turned my face to the left and stared at the trees swinging for a bit. I glanced back down at her and caught her looking at me. "I'll pay for your apartment." I said. I couldn't tell if she looked disappointed, confused, shocked, surprised, or all of it. Instead of telling her to come back, I told her that. I swear I saw her skin crawling but she blinked it away.

"That won't be necessary," she smiled kindly. "I have the money."

"You can use that money for furniture and stuff," I told her. "I'm not taking no for an answer."

She licked her lips and gave up, "Thank you."

"Anything for you." I said quietly while completely gazing away into her eyes.



"Thanks babe," I stood up after getting the stitches on my forehead.

"Try not to kill yourself on the ice?" she rolled her eyes and stood up as well.

"Well," I put my hand on her lower back and pulled her in. "If it means that I won't be able to see you again, then I'll be more careful." Our chests collided softly and put my other hand behind her head. "I know you want me." I pressed my forehead against hers.

"Who would want you?" she quickly replied but I could hear her voice shaking.

"You know you do. You just don't want to admit it." I opened my eyes and looked directly through hers seductively. "And I don't know why."

"You toy with every girl." Mia gulped.

"You're not like the other girls." I spun her brown straight hair around my finger.

"So what makes you think that I want you?" her voice became softer as she slid her hands around my neck.

"I just know." I said.

"Well you're wrong." she opened her eyes.

"No." I whispered and smirked.

"Yes." she rubbed her nose slowly against mine.

I held her tighter so she could feel my warm breath on her lips as I mouthed "No."



I hadn't realized how long we had just been staring at each other, thinking, and letting flashbacks take over. She blinked twice and looked at the ground, "I, uh, should get going now."

I forced myself not to stop her. I needed to know if she was really going to leave and give up. Everything we ever had-- if she was going to let go.

With every last bit of strength in me, I watched her walk away slowly. Her back was turned toward me and she headed back the way we came, down the empty road.

I couldn't take it anymore. "Why didn't you kiss him?" I yelled so she could hear me.

She stopped walking once again and turned to face me. She was already too far away but I could see her face. Her red, wet, sad face. The straight face she had when she was looking at me before, gone.

She wiped the tears off with her sleeve but they just kept running down. "Every time I pushed you away, a part of me died." she wiped her face with the back of her hand again but she was sobbing. In the silence, she continued, "You think it was easy!? You think it was easy to fall for you!?" She placed her hands on her head and scrunched her hair but some of it blew on her face.

"I didn't kiss him because I realized that I wanted you!" she cried harder. "I spent hours crying over you, thinking that, maybe one day, just maybe, we could work things out." she said more quietly. I had already taken a couple big steps towards her while she was crying, but I was still a few feet away. Tears just kept streaming down her face.

"I didn't kiss him because I could only see your face in his. Every time I see him, it's YOU that pops in my head." she sniffed. "My heart almost fucking broke over there when you didn't even try to make me come back to Toronto!" she sobbed.

"I miss your stupid flirts, I miss your lame excuses for getting hurt, I miss seeing you smile at me and I miss your kisses!" she almost screamed. "I can't help but wonder if you even want me anymore, because everything I ever turned away, now turned away from me." she put one hand on her heart and another on her eyes so she was covering them.

"Fuck!" she looked weak and miserable. Her legs were shaking and her lips wouldn't stay still, "I love you, Colton."

I swallowed hard and stared at her. Her eyes were still covered, but I could see the tears rolling down her cheeks. I heard more than what I expected to hear, but I finally got what I wanted.

I gently took her hands from her face and led them around my neck. She opened her eyes and I wiped away the tears that kept falling with the back of my hand. I wrapped my arms around her waist and put my forehead against hers. I could feel her heartbeat, going faster than I could imagine. It suddenly grew slower until it was at a regular speed again and the tears stopped coming.

"I love you too." I said. I leaned in, closing the tiniest amount of space between us. Our lips met in a long, soft kiss.

She placed her head on my shoulder, by my upper chest, and I hugged her tightly. I kissed her hair and we just stood there in each other's arms, finally.

To be continued..