Make Me a Promise Here Tonight

“You’re ugly.”
“You’re a waste of space.”
“Fat whore.”
“Emo loser.”

She clutched at her hair, pulling at the bluish-black strands as if it would stop the insults from coming. That’s the thing about this kind of abuse which Jailynn went through every day. It can’t be stopped because the bullies weren’t real; they were inside her head.

“You know what you have to do,” the voice, which referred to itself as Amber, said maliciously. Tears fell from her eyes as she tried to resist Amber’s demands. “SHUT UP! I’m not going to listen to you anymore. You’re fucking wrong about all this shit!” “It’s cute how you think you actually have a choice. You know deep down that everything I’m saying is true. I’m only telling you what you already know. Now get your fat ass over there and do what I told you to do, useless bitch.” At this point, Jailynn lost all her strength and broke down. Sobbing, she collapsed to the ground. She crawled over to her bookcase to carry out the orders given to her by her invisible tormenter. Amber whispered a urging words and insults driving her faster toward the bookcase.

Upon reaching the shelves, she ran her fingers along the plastic cases before she pulled out the object she desired, her favorite CD, Set the World on Fire by Black Veil Brides. She laughed bitterly at the irony. Something that brought her so much joy and was written by a band that campaigned so heavily against self-harm was the vessel for something that caused so much pain. She opened the plastic case and removed the blade. She ran the cool metal between her fingers and contemplated for one final time whether breaking three months of not cutting was truly worth it.

Before she could second guess her decision any more, Jailynn pressed the blade into her wrist and dragged it across. She immediately felt a burning pain she so craved erupt from the area as blood began to drip down her pale skin and onto the blue carpet. She continued in her endeavor, slicing the skin open a second and third.

As she was raising the blade to make a fourth cut, she heard a gasp come from behind her. Her eyes grew wide as she met the gaze of her roommate that held a mixture of shock, concern, and pain. Jailynn hated the look on his face. It reminded her of her brother. She’d seen him look at her the same way when he discovered her in a similar position four years ago. She poured her heart out to him, telling him about the schizophrenia, the self-harm, everything she kept a secret for so long. Instead of helping her or simply leaving her alone, he was furious. He kicked her out that night, claiming that he “didn’t want a freak for a sister”. That’s why in the three years she’d lived with Vic, she kept all of it to herself, fearing he would have a similar reaction.

She was brought out of her flashback when Vic whispered, “Why Jay?” “It doesn’t matter. Can you just leave Vic?” she said without meeting his gaze. “How can you just say it doesn’t matter why you’re doing this to yourself? There’s no way I’m leaving you like this,” Vic responded with tears forming in his eyes as he spoke. It crushed him to see his best friend in this kind of pain.

She scooted farther away from him, if that was possible. “If I tell you you’ll just think I’m a freak and leave,” she said miserably. Amber whispered, “You are a freak Jailynn. Go ahead, tell Vic about your crazy. He’ll leave you too, just like your brother did.” Vic ran his hand through his brown hair, something he always did when he was upset. He crawled across the carpet and placed a large hand on her shoulder. “No matter what, I won’t think you’re a freak and nothing you could say or do will ever make me leave. If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you Jay.” She looked up into his eyes and saw that the chocolate pools only held sincerity and a desire to help his friend.

“Promise you won’t leave me?” she said softly. “Never.”
She sighed and began telling her tale, ignoring Amber’s cries of protest coming from within her head. “It’s a long story, but if you really want to know, here it is. It started when I was about 13. That’s when things started to get bad at home. My parents were fighting constantly and they pretty much forgot about me and my older brother Jason. The screaming was so intense. I remember just hiding in my bed, waiting for it to stop.” The girl looked up making sure her audience was still captive. Vic nodded, prompting her to continue. He was currently thinking of his own experience with quarrelling parents. Though his own were still together, he helped one of his friends in high school when theirs went through a messy split.

She took a deep breath and pressed on. “That’s when I first heard it, whispering words of comfort to me. I thought I was going crazy. I mean there was a voice in my head consoling me. I kept it to myself because I was terrified that if I told anyone, I would get sent straight to the loony bin for the rest of my life. It wasn’t honestly all that bad until I got to high school. I started getting pick on a lot. The voice, now calling itself Amber, turned on me too, hurling the same insults at me as my classmates did. She’d even gotten me to turn to self-harming to feel better. At this point, I realized that I couldn’t tell anybody about Amber.

As soon as my brother turned 18, he grabbed me and we got the hell away from that house. I dropped out of school but I was already too late. I was addicted to self-harming and I couldn’t stop. I lived with Jason for about three years and he never found out about my problems. One night, he came home and found me on my bedroom floor. It had been a really bad night; Amber just wouldn’t stop with the torture. There was blood everywhere. He asked me what happened and I broke down and told him about my schizophrenia. He got upset, told me I was a freak and that he no longer wanted me as a sister, and kicked me out into the night. Here I am three years later.” Her words were coming in between sobs by the end and there were tears streaming down Vic’s face as well.

“Why didn’t you tell me Jay?” Vic asked. “I was afraid you would react like Jason did,” she cried. “I love you Jailynn. You’re my best friend. You can tell me anything. Please let me help you,” Vic said, pulling the broken girl closer to him. She curled into him and said, “You can’t help me Vic. I’m irreparable.” He shook his head fiercely and responded, “You’re not beyond fixing. I have a friend. He’s a psychologist; I trust him. He helped Tony get over the bout of depression he went through after his girlfriend broke up with him. We can get through this together, I promise.” “Promise you’ll be with me?” she whispered, looking up at him through glassy hazel eyes. “Forever. Now come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

He took the small girl into his arms and carried her to the bathroom. He gently cleansed and bandaged her wounds; making plans with her to go see his doctor friend. They had a long, hard road ahead of them and they both knew it, but together, they just might make it work.