Apologies

John's mother, Jenny, never seemed to understand his love for Alice. Jenny had always complained that Alice was too quiet for her own good, reserved and spineless. She hadn't ever seen Alice as John had.

Even in the end, Jenny confronted John on why he chose to stay with a girl that couldn't keep a pulse without a million machines beeping around. John had been so angry with her that he broke two plates and screamed at the top of his lungs.

Jenny never understood. But John couldn't blame his mother. She had never seen Alice as he had.

John lit a cigarette in his tiny apartment. He had been back in town for around 2 weeks and had managed to avoid every single invitation to socialize. Instead he sat in his bedroom, watching reruns of Game of Thornes. This wasn't the same one Alice and he had shared, instead he opted for a smaller one in the heart of Tempe. He liked the way the sounds of a city could keep him up all night, exhausting him and creating deep purple circles beneath his eyes. The one bedroom, one bathroom apartment was a fill-in space for the short periods of time he was allowed to rest in his home city.

John's bags remained unpacked next to the entrance of his tiny cave. The lights were dim and the air was musky, he never stayed long enough to eliminate the stale air of lifelessness that accompanied new apartments.

His phone buzzed across the room, the only light to illuminate the walls. He pulled himself to his feet with a sigh and stalked across the room to grab the mobile device. He brought the phone to his ear without checking the caller I.D., already assuming it would be Tim or Jared, telling him that their next show would come in a matter of days.

John found comfort in moving from place to place daily, due to the idea that there was always something new to discover. Anything to look at that would keep his mind off his heinous acts.

"Hello." John breathed into the phone. His voice hardly ever seemed to be above a whisper nowadays.

"John, oh my god. Penelope is pregnant." Jared's voice boomed into John's ears, a mixture of shock and satisfaction all at once. John's breath hiked in his throat, and he swallowed hoping to alleviate any pressure.

It didn't help.

"What the hell? Congrats, man." John chuckled nervously. Jared had always been the one they knew would grow up first. Hell, he was the first one to grow a beard.

"Yeah, dude. Apparently it was from one of nights, back a month ago when she came to visit us in Portland." Jared was so proud. How could John forget Portland? There was the honey blonde with cropped cut that pushed herself into John all night. He sighed, an occurrence that was becoming quite the norm for Mr. O'Callaghan.

"I'm so happy for you, dude. I have to admit I thought this would be you calling me to tell me we booked more dates."

"Well, that's the thing, man. Ya see, Pen wants to be around while she's pregnant and stuff to help with the shower and whatever the hell she craves at 2 am. So I talked to Tim and we may not be tourin' for a bit. Which would be nice cause I'm pret-" Jared's voice didn't seem to register anymore to John. No more touring? Does that mean the end of the band? The end of their dream?

"Ay, Johno, answer me." Jared snapped.

"Sorry, bud. It's just, does that mean the end of the band?" John didn't want to hear his answer, but it needed to be said.

"Never! We promised we'd be together til we were as old as we look in the Like We Did video. I just gotta grow up sometime, man. And Pen is the perfect woman for me. Those big blue eyes and the way she-" Jared rushed, swooning yet again over his high school sweetheart.

"Alright, bro, I don't need to know the story of your love. I'm happy for you."

"Sick, John. So tonight we're having a little party to celebrate. It's pretty late notice but I'm going to be a Dad. Best get drunk while I can." John cringed at Jared's words. Forced get-togethers would be the death of him. But Jared has been John's friend despite the fact that he's been around while he peed and even puked on his shoes more than a couple of times. Jared had been there when John found out about Alice's death. Jared had been the only one who had ever taken him to her damn grave.

So if Jared needed him to attend a damned party, he'd attend said damned party.

John had always had a deep hatred within himself for ties. He pushed up the sleeves of his white button-up, and smoothed out the tiny black sliver of fabric that seemed to cut off any breaths he attempted to take. He grabbed the small bag he had picked up for the parents-to-be and began walking to the front door of the small house Jared and Penelope bought directly out of high school. They were broke and in love, and Penelope knew the small pink building that rest on the outskirts of their town was perfect for them. John took in a deep breath. He wasn't prepared to see people he hadn't seen in months.

His entire family would be there. And they hadn't been that supportive of John's attitude since Alice's passing.

John sighed.

"You do that a lot, you know." A voice chirped from behind him. John jumped and slid in the rocks of their front yard, nearly falling to his ass before regaining his composure. His head swiveled and he was met with the familiar brown eyes.

"Oh, uh Alexandria right?" John's words hadn't come out as smoothly as they had in their first passing. His eyes roamed over her outfit. She wore a long, white dress that caught a breeze in the light wind. Her hat covered her entire face, encasing a shadow along her features. Her maroon lips pulled back into a bright smile as recognition registered across John's face.

"Alexandria Kilepsy. Pleased to see you again, John O'Callaflan." She merrily sang, covering the distance that separated the pair. John pulled back, keeping the space between them.

Is she always around? A voice whispered into his ear, disappearing with the breeze.

"I see you're also here to usher the new parents into the world of diapers and crying." She laughed.

"Uh, yeah. It's O'Callaghan." He whispered, before scrunching his face into a thoughtful look and turning towards the door. Alexandria didn't seem to be phased by his lack of interest in communicating with her, as she soon followed behind him in silence. Yet somehow, her aura of happiness stretched beyond her and captured John. This made him sick.

He burst through the couple's front door and was welcomed by nods and a blur of greetings. Alexandria settled in behind his stride, flashing smiles at those around her and offering hugs to whoever accepted. John set his gift on the table, eager to get out of plain sight. The less apparent he made himself, the more likely he was to have a quick, painless evening. He walked through the tiny hallways that lead to the backyard, grabbing a cup of alcohol along the way. He stepped through the back door and into the foliage. Penelope had spent a good majority of her time dedicated to a master garden. An array of different bushes and flowers sprouted from any given corner.

"This is something else." Alexandria's voice pipped from beside him. She had a way of appearing out of nowhere. John shrugged, unable to accept the great beauty of the surroundings. Alice had always loved Penelope's backyard. She would go from flower to flower and inspect them, listing off the names and facts of any single one. John had always stood beside her, smiling as she relayed the knowledge.

When she died, Penelope picked a flower from each bush and set it on her grave. Those, too, were long dead now.

John shook his head in disgust at himself for having thought so cynically.

"You don't talk much, do you?" Alexandria said, staring directly ahead. John's eyes shifted their focus to look at her. He found a tinge of annoyance in her attempts to figure him out.

"I talk just fine." He spat, yet she didn't react as hostile in return.

"You know, when I was 5, I saw a car crash. Really terrible accident, I think about 3 people perished. But anyway, after I saw that accident, and all that death, I didn't say much either. Well, that's not true, I didn't talk for about a month. I had this thought that if I never talked about it, it wouldn't have happened. Some idea that in not speaking, it would be like I never witnessed such a horrible thing." Alexandria spoke as if reciting a poem, her expression never seeming to change, "Of course, that's an incredibly ridiculous thought. Not talking about it doesn't change the fact that those people died. Not talking about it doesn't change the fact that I saw it. Not talking about it didn't make it any better."

John's stomach sank, the words settling bitterly in his system. He found himself clenching his knuckles tightly, unable to release any emotion. It was as if Alexandria Kilepsy had punched a hole straight through John's chest. And she hadn't even blinked an eye in doing so.

"Why are you telling me this?" John suddenly said, after a moment of silence.

"It felt right." Alexandria shrugged. "Well, I'm going to go mingle. Goodbye John O'Callaflan." She floated off in the other direction leaving John to his thoughts. He hadn't even had time to correct her. He hadn't even had time to ask her what she finally said after the month of silence.

"Ay, bud, how's the party?" John felt a hand slap his shoulder, and looked to see Jared standing near him.

"Just as expected." John muttered, bringing the cup to his lips and feeling the liquid fire burn down his throat.