I Can't Be All Alone

"You are unbelievable Austin!" Alan yelled.
I cowered down, knowing he was right. I'm such a fucking idiot.. Alan deserves better than me.
"I'm so sorry Alan." I spoke quietly.
"SORRY?! You're SORRY?! I don't wanna hear it! I trusted you and you fucked it up. How do you think that makes me feel? Oh right. You wouldn't know or wouldn't care because you were out fucking another guy!"
That hurt.. I do care about Alan.. I..I just. I don't know.
"I don't know what else to say.." I whispered.
Alan glared at me. I could see the pain in his eyes. The betrayal.. He reared back and slapped me. I clutched my cheek and stared at him with my mouth hanging open.
"There's nothing you can say Austin. You've done enough." He spat and stormed out of our house.
I ran to the door and flung it open. He was pretty far down the street.
"Alan wait! Where are you going?" I called out.
"Away from you. I need to think." He yelled back then walked around the corner.
I faltered and sat there staring after him. He disappeared and I cursed to myself. Goddammit Austin. You're so stupid. I heard brakes screeching and a car horn sound off not too far away. It was when I heard a scream that my heart dropped. I tried my hardest not to think too hard, but that sounded like Alan. I slowly stood up, shaking all over and ran. I ran faster than I ever have my entire life. Calm down Austin. Alan's fine.. Just calm down.. I stopped abruptly once I saw a light grey colored car.
"Alan?" I called out, hoping he'd swear at me.
The driver's side door of the car was open. No one seemed to be in it, so I stepped closer. The hood was fucked beyond belief and it was pinning something, no..someone to a pole. I quickly sped over and froze when I saw ginger hair. Oh god.. I began praying to whoever the fuck would listen that whoever is pinned to this pole is not my Alan. It was hard to see who it was. There was too much blood. I moved around the car to get a better look and cried out.
"Oh god Alan! Wake up! Please wake up!" I screamed.
Alan made no movements. He showed no signs of being alive. I whipped out my phone and dialed 911.
"Decatur County Police Depar-"
"I NEED AN AMBULANCE PLEASE HURRY!" I shouted into the phone.
"Calm down sir. What seems to be the problem?" A woman asked.
"Just fucking GET here! Please he's dying!" I wailed.
"Where are you?"
"On the corner of Evie Circle. Please hurry!"
"We're sending our people now. If you would sir, please stay on the line. I need your name and a brief synopsis of what happened."
"M..my name is Austin Carlile and m..my boyfriend was h..hit by a car. Please. I'm b..begging you. I can't lose him!" I pleaded.
"Stay calm Austin. You're not too far from the hospital. They'll be there soon. I promise. What's the victim's name?"
"Alan Ashby. The person who hit him left their car here and ran away."
"The car's still there? If you would Austin, check the license plate. We'll find out who it was that hit your boyfriend." She instructed.
"O..okay. It's uhh.. 746MCJ."
"Thank you Mr. Carlile."
I hung up and kept my attention on Alan. I began shaking uncontrollably. This is all my fault!
"A..Alan. Wake up." I sniffled, "Wake up."
I couldn't stop myself from crying even harder. I sound so pathetic and lost right now..
"Alan I'm so sorry baby! W..wake up! Alan I'm begging you! Don't leave me!" I cried.
I moved his hair away from his face and cried harder.
"Please baby please.. Don't die on me. Please don't."
Relief flooded through me once I heard the sirens get closer and closer. They came to a halt a few feet away from me.
"Stand back!" One of the paramedics yelled at me.
They simply stared at Alan and contemplated on how to remove him.
"Get in and slowly back out!" The guy yelled at another one of the men.
Sooner than I realized, they had Alan on the stretcher, being loaded into the truck. I hopped in behind them before they could object and latched onto Alan's hand. I wept and we sped away. I watched as they hooked him up to a heart monitor. My hopes were raised when I heard the beeping. He's still alive! I planted kisses all over his face, despite the fact it was covered in blood.
"I love you Alan. Stay with me." I repeated over and over.
I'm such a fucking chode. How could I cheat on this perfect little ginger? What's wrong with me? We pulled up to the back entrance of the hospital and I became anxious. I quickly got out so they could unload Alan and rush him off. Once they got him out and strapped down so he wouldn't fall off, they ran, with me following closely behind. Once they got him into the operating room, one of the nurses stopped me from going in.
"No! I have to be in there! I have to be with Alan!" I shouted.
"I'm sorry sir but you have to stay out here while they operate! Please don't make me get security in here."
I sighed and sat against the wall, slowly sliding down. I had my head in my hands and closed my eyes, praying for a miracle.
"We need you to fill out these papers." One of the staff members said softly, handing me a clipboard.
I reluctantly grasped it and began filling out all of the papers. After I was finished, I sat there on the floor and rocked back and forth. Please God let Alan be okay. Take me instead..
What seemed like forever later, Dr. Carmichael came out of the room.
"Mr..Carlile is it?" He asked.
"Yes. That's me. Please sir is..is Alan going to be alright?" I asked hopeful.
His face showed no emotion. There was no way to tell if Alan was going to be okay, until he sighed..
"I'm sorry Mr. Carlile. We've done everything we can for Alan. We haven't had any luck. He's had significant damage done to his body and there is no chance in him recovering from it. He has a broken neck and back, and has severe brain damage." Dr. Carmichael explained.
I fell to my knees and stared at the floor. My heart was shattering.
"We have him on life support. He'll drift away if we take him off. I'm sorry Mr. Carlile. Would you-"
"Shut the fuck up. You're not sorry. You haven't done all you can. All any of you ever do is give up on people! You're not taking him off of life support! He will wake up! Alan WILL come back to me!" I shouted with rage.
He offered his best apologetic smile and rested his hand on my right shoulder.
"Take as much time as you need in there." He said gently, " I'll be out here when you're ready."
I sighed as tears began brimming my eyes. I slowly opened the door and trudged in. My breath hitched when I saw Alan lying on the bed. He looked so helpless.. So lifeless.. I pulled a chair up to the right of the bed and sat down beside Alan. I gripped tightly onto his hand.
"Alan, I don't know if you can hear me, but..I.." I began but instantly broke down again.. I can't do this! This can't be the last time I see him alive! He's slowly slipping away and I can't do anything to stop it.. I regained a bit of my lost composure and began talking once more.
"I love you Alan. You don't believe it, in which I don't blame you, but I do. I royally fucked up. I let another guy stand in the way of us. I should have never pursued him.. I knew what I was doing. I can't blame my actions on my being intoxicated. Just..please Alan. Wake up! Hate me if you want! I don't care! Just don't leave me! I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy again I swear!" I cried helplessly.
Alan never said a word. He didn't move. He didn't even seem to still be alive.. I sniffled and stood up, kissing his head. I stared at the door and attempted to walk towards it, but I couldn't move..I just can't bring myself to walk out there and get Dr. Carmichael. I don't want this to be the last time I see Alan still breathing.. I forced myself to walk to the door and reluctantly opened it. Dr. Carmichael immediately stopped talking to one of the nurses and looked over at me.
"A..are you sure there's nothing e..else you c..can do?" I stuttered.
He sighed and looked over at the nurse. She gave me an apologetic smile and walked back to the desk.
"I'm sorry Austin. I wish there was." He said gently.
My bottom lip trembled and my fists clenched. I know he means well, but I can't be anything but miserable right now. I fought back the tears that threatened to fall.
"Would you like to stay out here? Most people can't handle watching the heartbeats slow down." He asked.
I shook my head and followed him into the room. Alan was strong enough to put up with my bullshit and strong enough to stay alive this entire time. I can't be a coward and stay out here. I closed the door and stood to the right of the bed.
"Are you ready?" Dr. Carmichael asked.
I kissed Alan one last time and slowly nodded, keeping my eyes glued to his perfect face. Dr. Carmichael flipped the switch and the machine shut down. I watched the monitor as Alan's heartbeats began to gradually slow down. I felt my knees weaken once the number fell to 13.
"I love you." I whispered, as Alan's heat beat one last time.
I stared at his lifeless body and didn't move an inch. The doctor gave me his condolences and left the room. I collapsed onto the floor and sobbed. It's all my fault.. If I had just stayed home that night! If I had just told that guy to fuck off.. Alan would still be alive..And we'd be happy again..
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The funeral was two days later. I was a wreck.. Alan's family was a wreck. Everyone who knew him on a personal level was a wreck. I could barely speak once it was my turn to say what I needed to say..
"A..Alan was a great guy. Silly. Fun. Incredible. Loving.. and perfect. I will never stop loving him..I wish I could turn back time so he'd still be here..but I can't.." I said quietly and sat down..My head in my hands..After Alan's dad spoke, we finally buried him. I stood there while everyone left and stared at his headstone. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around. It was Alan's father.
"H..hi Mr. Ashby." I stuttered.
He smiled warmly at me.
"He loved you Austin. Don't forget that. It doesn't matter what you did. We don't blame you for anything. So don't be so hard on yourself. I know you loved my son and I thank you for making him so happy all of these years. Please call us whenever you need anyone Austin. I mean it."
I gave Mr. Ashby my best smile and thanked him. He nodded and walked to his car with Alan's mom. I sighed, taking another glance at Alan's headstone before walking to my car. I sat there and bawled my eyes out. After a solid 10 minutes of weeping, I drove home..Back to mine and Alan's house.. It felt so empty without his obnoxious laugh and genuinely happy soul. Sophie and Mittens walked around the corner and meowed at me. It was obvious they were wanting Alan. I bent down and petted them, trying not to cry again.
"He's gone you guys. You'll have to settle for me now." I said gently.
Mittens walked away and Sophie sat at me feet, staring up at me. I smiled and picked her up, walking to mine and Alan's room. I layed on the bed, setting Sophie beside me and wailed. I've never felt so alone or so scared. Never again will I find someone like Alan and I never want to.