I am the Devil's Smile

am Starling in my own rebel mind. This mind is where I am free to do what I want. I can think what I want to think. I am not forced to do anything. I am not controlled by a God who watches me. I am not thrown back for thinking my own thoughts. I am Starling, the life I want. When I am Starling, I stand tall and fight against an army who hates me. I have my own army of outcast, lead by people like me. We are all different and don’t fit into this “normal society.” I am Starling....

Right now though staring into the mirror, I am not who I want to be. I am daugther of William Control, the voice for F.E.A.R and Michelle Control. I am the second child out of six children. The oldest is my sister, Julia Control. The youngest is our newest, Jacob Control. There is the two twins, James and Kayla Control. There is me though, Sarah Control. It’s something I never wanted to be.

I live under F.E.A.R, For Every and All Religions. No one is different; we all look the same. They like to say “all religions” when in reality, it is one. It is this one where God is our saviour, and he hates everyone who stands out. People like me won’t go into salvation. We will suffer in the burning of hell. It is where anyone goes who disrespect what F.E.A.R believes in. I don’t believe in F.E.A.R, thus I forced myself to create my own hell.

Everyday, I forced myself to look at myself in the mirror. I look like every other girl in my family. Every girl in this community is forced to have blonde hair, brown eyes, and wear a pink top with a black skirt. For the females in my family, we are forced to wear a black dress with a robe over showing the F.E.A.R symbol. I had to wear make up; according to my father, I was ugly. I forced myself to put on foundation, blush....I have to wear contacts. My eyes are naturally blue. Everyday, I feel this abuse over my shoulders from my father. It was like I needed this in my life.

I was a creative mind like my Shadow, Katie tells me. She always tells me this. She tells me I am in something what it is called the arts. I didn’t know that word until Katie explains the society of F.E.A.R banished that word from being used. They threw away all arts and replaced with a plan of nothing. She would explain what life is like before all of this. She said she is part of a rebellion against all of it. She said she couldn’t tell me, or else she would get trapped like the rest of her kind. She told me one day I will see them, and that is when they will chose me. I didn’t know why she said that. Why would someone want to choose me?

I woke up from my thoughts and left my bed. I look at my mirror, adjusting my blonde hair. Yesterday, I found some hair dye from Katie and dyed my hair black with a bright purple underneath. I had to wear a blonde wig my sister, Julia found for me. Here’s a thing about Julia. If I ever rebel against my father and the shadows, she won’t care. She knows it’s right for me. She thinks it is healthier for me.

I heard a soft knock to see Julia come over. She helped me tie my hair in a braid. “Father would kill you.” She whispers, “You look so beautiful without make up...”

I tear up a bit. “Tell father that then, Julia.” She makes me look into those same color brown eyes. She pulls me right into a hug as I just cry into her shoulder. She knew what exactly it was. It was a panic attack. It was my fears bundling inside to the point I break down. “Sh, sis, you’ll find freedom soon.” I sniffed and wiped my tears a bit. “Come now, mother is awaiting.”

I walk with my older sister in front of me. Kayla and James came next to us as my mother was holding Jacob. My sister was 19 and didn’t live with us at all. She had to marry someone had 18 and lives with him. She still had to be a part of the speaking. I was 16; Kayla and James were both 13. Little Jacob was only four months.

My mother kissed James and Kayla’s forehead, telling them how perfect they were. I stand faceless as she passed me to go over to Julia. Julia kissed her cheeks as my mother did the same to her. They then shared a hug. Julia talked about how wonderful her life was with Bill, her husband. She was going to start working soon. She didn’t know where father had placed her yet. I started spacing out, dreaming about another life.

“Darling,” my mother whispers towards me. It awoke me from my dreaming of another life. “Your father’s right. That make up would hide the ugly and de-fineness that is you.” She smirks, “Such a bastard child you are.”

“Yes, mama.” I mumbled, “I was born from hell; for that I am sorry.”

She slaps me right across the face again. I stood still after the slap. I stopped crying by the age of six. I look her straight in the face. “May God save your soul.”

My father walked into the room. He leans over and kisses my mother. My brother and sisters smiles; that includes Julia. My father went over and let James and Kayla hug him. Julia kissed his cheek and hugged him, letting him what was going on her life. My father came over to me.

He looks into my eyes. He touch my back and brought me in his arms. “Oh, I know your mind is not your fault. The Devil took over your soul for some reason. I know you’re ungodly.”

I released from the hug. “How could you say such horrible things and think my mind is getting better?” I look at both of my parents. “It doesn’t help me whatsoever; actually makes me feel worst about myself.”

“Good,” my father murmurs with a death stare. “I would rather have you dead at a point.”

I duck my head as we walk. Julia put an arm around me. I look up to her. “How are you so used to this already?” I shrug, walking over to the post. The order of lining up at the post went James, Kayla and my mother and Jacob on my father’s left. On the right was me and Julia.

The violins rang, letting people know that my father is speaking. The shadows brought people together. The shadows were what “protect” us. They keep us all in check and made sure all of us were in order. “We expect a battle for humanity is about to begin.” My father spoke towards the crowd. “Within each uprising, a fake sense of safety will ignite in you, and unseen shadow will slip from doubt towards those who protect and defend you.” I look into the crowd and didn’t see Katie as her shadow. She was gone from the site. Was this group she talking true? Did my father actually know there was a group?

He keep speaking to everyone. I saw mother and fathers pressing arms around their little ones. I saw the couples holding hands. A war was about to begin with this group I have never heard of; everyone else though apparently knew. “Let the thoughts slip away and remind calm. Stay close to F.E.A.R. Only we can protect.”

Suddenly, out of the blue, a scream was heard. There was a group of people who did not look like they were in F.E.A.R. There were wearing different clothing and wearing some stuff around their arms and legs. Their faces were painted or covered with a mask. They weren’t destroying anything. They ran passed the crowd lead by five guys. They stood in front of my father and the shadows.

“What calls you to come,” my father screams.

One of the guys step forward. He stared into my father’s eyes. He had long hair, and had lines on his cheek. “We declare war. Your society is no part of our lives. Who believes in a worthless god who hasn’t saved you? He isn’t coming anytime. He would have came by now. He steps back and looks to the crowd behind him. His jacket read “Mourner”. He spoke to the crowd. “
Our lives began with your F.E.A.R, but it will end without it. ”

Another came forward. He had diamond eye makeup, was shorter then the others and held a look that freaked out James and Kayla. They ran by my father. “We are the creative minds. We are the broken. We are the ones you left behind. Our minds were ‘broken’ to you. All we tried to do was live our lives. We wanted to see color not only blackness.” He step back near Mourner. “Who going to tell the story when this is all over? Who’s going to remember who you are? Who will remember your last goodbye?” He did the same the other one did; he was speaking to the cizitens of F.E.A.R. His jacket read “Mystic”.

Another one came forward. I knew it wasn’t a girl, but god dammit, he look so much like one. He had eyeliner on and had his hand on his jacket. He had a bandanna on his forehead. He spoke up. “We wanted our freedom, thus this is what created us. We never believed in you. If we spoke that under our blue t-shirts and pink blouses, we would have shots to our neck and be trapped in a room. You already trapped most of us; some have never heard of us and are thinking of another world.” I took a deep breathe. Julia put a hand behind my back, rubbing my back. It was finally hitting me. “We are the ones who needed to escape without killing our minds in this society.” He walked back and turned to the crowd to speak another line. “We will re born what used to be allowed. The arts, the world they have banned here, will be back.” Most people in the crowd were scared or confused. There were some like me wanting to know more. I stared at the back at his jacket; it read “Deviant”.

One more step forward. “How are you enjoying your life? You are living in a grey world. No one taught you what is existing out there. You chew your pills and remind yourself you are happy in this society. You are happy with a fictional god. You are happy with a husband chosen for you.” Julia looks down, taking a gulp and staring to see if Bill was even out there. “Are you wanting this?” He turns to the crowd. “We will take back what was ours.” His jacket read “Destroyer”.

The last one came up. He was tall and had short hair which made him stand out from the others. “Do I need to say much? We are The Wild Ones...We are the ones who will start a war against F.E.A.R.” He turns to the crowd. “Speak up if you are not liking how you are living.”

I look out to the crowd and realize this is what I been begging for. I was waiting for something like this. I woke up each morning staring into the mirror. I always question what else is out there. Was I meant to be in F.E.A.R? Was my life planned out for me something I wanted to live? Or did I want to stand out? Did I want to use arts as a weapon or hide myself behind fear? I stared to the back of his jacket. It read “Prophet”, and I realized he’s what I need. He’s my new leader.

Finally I screamed out. “I don’t belong here!” The five turn to me. My sister full on grab me and covered my mouth as if I committed a sin. I realized though it was needed. Silence fell as people realized William Control’s daughter spoke out. I was always known as quiet for reasons. I got myself lose from her grip and stared at the Prophet. He look back at me with a smile. Finally, I took my wig off to show my new hair. I threw off the robe. I jumped down from the ledge and ran towards the Wild Ones. They were running out of the F.E.A.R crowd.

The shadows were starting to grab them. I tried running as fast I could. The five were standing at the door, waiting for more people to come towards. I keep running and running as the Prophet keep watching me. I felt a grab at my wrist and pushed against a wall. I noticed a shadow looking at me. I stared back at Prophet. “I know you don’t, Starling. I know who you are.” He winks at me, “We’ll get you, I promise.”

“Take her to the back!” I heard my mother scream out. I started moving to the corner of the wall.

I started to cry out, “Please don’t. I can get better on my own! Katie told me I could! I don’t need the treatment anymore.” I started breaking down as one shadow grab my right wrist. Another one grab my left wrist. “Please! No! I know I am getting better.” I was facing the doorway. I still saw the Prophet. He was just standing there, waiting for more rebels to leave. “Please, save me.” I scream towards him.

“We will soon,” Mystic screamed out as they ran towards the desert.

Once I enter the white room, the shadows pushed me onto a bed. My family stood behind them as they started getting everything ready. “Please no, please. I will get better. Please, they are helping. I don’t need anymore.”

“Give her more then usual!” My own brother calls out. Julia held him back, telling him to shush.”

My father smirk down to me. “He’s right.”

“Please,” I scream out in pain. The worst was coming for me.