Anorexic Neighborhood

I awoke with a start, when I felt someone staring at me. It was my Mom! I wasn't sure, but it looked as though she had been sitting there in my room for hours. I could tell that she had been crying. I strained sitting up. I saw it was dark outside. Someone had turned on my bedside lamp, so there was a soft glow throughout my room.

I was still in a daze, remembering my dream, as if I was still in it. My heart was racing slightly, and I couldn't shake off this gloomy feeling of doom. I looked at my Mom, waitingg for her to say something. Anything. I wasn't sure what my sister had told her, and sitting in the silence, made me nervous. My Mom came to my bed and hugged me, dropping some sort of letter maybe? In my lap. She left my room, and told me to come out when I was ready.

I picked up the folded paper. (I still have this letter, and so I will copy it on here, for part of my story) On the front it said~

FOR: Ashley marie

LOVE: mommy

I opened it and read:

You are precious to me :

My dearest Ashley, I am writing this letter because of my love for you. I love you so very much! I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you or made you feel ignored or got angry at you when you needed me the most. Also for not believing you when you were being honest.

Alot of the times in the past, I ignored problems you had, or did not deal with them. I was trying to wish them away. When I was angry I think I was mad at myself for not knowing how to help.

You are and always have been a bright, talented, beautiful girl, my first child, my first love.

I am wanting to change my old behaviors now. What I couldn't see before I see now- I was too self involved to see... forgive me for those times- I do love you! You have great potential to be anything!

I know I'm not very good at expressing myself. Feelings of love. I'm not perfect but I will try harder to be a better mom and a better example.

We may never see things in life the same way. I've had my experiences you have had yours & will have alot more to come.

It's okay to agree to disagree. It's okay for you & I to find our own beliefs & and to be ourselves.

Never let anyone hurt your heart. You are worthwile! Believe in yourself, Love yourself, Discover who you are & be confident in that.

I truely want for you all the best life has to offer, and for you to be happy & for you to love yourself & to know you are loved! You will never be alone. God loves you and is watching over you.

I love & I hurt for you!

Love, mom

I held the letter close to me, and I cried my stupid soul out. I cried for my Mom, my sisters, Jenny, Neil, and the disorder that would somehow only get worst...

(to be continued))