We All Fall Down

With shaky hands I picked up the folded piece of paper and stared down at it. Isobel had asked me multiple times before if I wanted to read it but I refused. I didn’t want to face his death. I wanted to wake up one day and Alex be alive and breathing laughing about this whole thing like it was some funny prank. But it wasn’t like that at all. He wouldn’t be waking up and he wouldn’t be laughing ever again. I closed my eyes so tight I started to see specks of colors on the inside of my lids. I would never hear him laugh again. Just thinking about it sent an almost unbearable pain through my chest. I cleared my throat and slowly started to unfold the slightly worn down paper. Before I started reading it however; I cleared my throat.

“Hi Alex.” I barely whispered. “I uhm. We miss you down here. I don’t know why you left but I hope read this will help me understand a little bit more.” Tears threatened to spill out of my eyes and I didn’t stop them. “I thought…I thought I had made you happy. That you were finally getting better y’know? Baby why didn’t you tell me you were getting worse? I could have helped and we could have done it together. I would’ve done anything for you and you know that.” The breath I took was uneven as I wiped my eyes and brought my attention to the letter in front of me.

I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry that I’m a pathetic piece of shit. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do anything right okay? I’m so sorry.
To mom. If you’re the one who found me I’m begging you not to hate me right now. There was no other escape from the monster that was consuming me from the inside. I had to kill it. I had to get rid of it. I just..mom I had to. People always say destroy what destroys you right? Well I did. I destroyed what was destroying me. I really hope you understand. I’m sorry that I didn’t say a proper goodbye either. But I knew if I had said anything out of ordinary tonight at dinner you would worry. And then I wouldn’t be able to do this. I want you and dad to know this wasn’t any of your fault at all. You guys were great parents and I love you both dearly. You both can get through this. Trust me. I’m not half as important as Tom was, and you both got through his death. Mine will be so much easier.

And, to my everything I want you to know that I left this earth thinking about you. I took my last breath loving you with all of my being. Don’t you dare doubt that for a minute kitten. I have always loved you and I never stopped and I will always love you. I’m sorry I did this to you because you certainly do not deserve this at all. I want you to know that you were always perfect to me okay? It was me that was the shit boyfriend. I was the one who always messed things up, caused fights and most importantly hurt you. And I’m extremely sorry for all of the bullshit I put you through constantly for the past year and a half. I wish that I could feel your lips against mine for one last time to feel your arms wrapped around me as mine wrap around yours. I wish I could feel that all right now and as I slip away from this terrible life. But I won’t. So as this handful of pills slowly pulls me out of this world I promise to think of you. I solemnly swear on my life that I will. I need you to promise me something though, baby. I don’t want you to blame yourself either. I also don’t want you to hold back. If you meet another boy and fall in love, please don’t let me get in the way of that. By the time this’ll happen I’ll be long gone and won’t be coming back. This isn’t some vacation I’m going on babe. I’m leaving for good. Forever gone and forgotten, probably. Don’t miss out on an amazing boy with the perfect everything just because of me. I do want you to do a few things for me though. When they’re getting rid of my things, please be the one to do my room. You know all of the important things in there. Things I would never let my mom get rid of. I want you to keep those things baby. Not so much as a reminder but as a memory I suppose. You decide what goes and what stays, please. You know me better than anyone else. And please feel free to take anything you want. I do know how much you love to wear my clothes. You always say that the way they smell like me helps you sleep. Well, you can have them all now darling. And, also. I want you to read my journal and song book. I know that I never let you even look at those godamn things before now but since I’m leaving I think you deserve to know what’s inside of them. That’s all I really ask of you. If you could please just do them I’d really appreciate it, love.

I’m doing this because I have had enough. I can’t stand the teasing at school. I can’t stand feeling worthless and like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m a burden on everyone and if I just disappeared everybody would be better off without me. I know for a fact that I’m not everyone’s favorite. I know that everybody doesn’t like me .But I didn’t think everything would be so hard to do with all of this hatred towards me. So, with the flick of my wrist and a bottle of pills I’ll be going now.

Don’t cry over me it’s not worth it. I want everyone who cared about me; and I mean really cared about me. Not that fake “care” that most people will have once they find out that I’m dead. I mean the real care that showed it every day. I want all of those people to know that I cared about them, twice as much and I will always fucking love you all. It’s time for me to go now. The sooner this happens the sooner I’ll be with Tom.

Sleep well goodnight. There will be another moment we’ll meet again. Just Let it go.
-Alex.

My tears were staining the paper, making the pen marks smudge. There was a giant lump in my throat that I couldn’t swallow down no matter how hard I tried. I cried silently trying to say something, to let out a choked sob but no noise had escaped my mouth. It was like I was disabled and lost my ability to make any sound at all. Finally a small sob escaped my lips. Why. Why hadn't I done something to prevent this? Why hadn’t I seen any of the signs? Now that I look back they were obvious. Giving away beloved items, a sudden change in appearance, and for god sakes the boy was always sleeping. How did I over look these things as nothing? God I’m so fucking stupid!

I tried to calm down and stop the crying as my hands rubbed my eyes raw. Inhaling more air than needed through my nose I cleared my throat. This was going to be so much harder than I had thought. Part of me wanted to run out of the room screaming and crying all the way back to my house. But a stronger part of me knew that I couldn’t do that. It knew that Alex wanted me to do this, and I would do anything for Alex. Weather he was still breathing or not.