A Beautiful Mess

Tears. They were in endless supply with me. And there was no doubt in my mind that they came straight from my heart. This pain I was feeling; this deep, stabbing pain throughout my whole body. I hadn't ever felt this before. It was agonizing.

This shouldn't have bothered me. Those people gave me up because they didn't want me. They gave me up and then went on to start their own little family without me. I didn't deserve this. I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy. This pain, this feeling, it wasn't something anyone should have to experience. I was Spencer Marie Faust. I didn't cry. I didn't show my emotions. Crying shows a sign of weakness. I wasn't a weak person. My fathers were lawyers, they never cried around me. They always had this strong demeanor to them. It wasn't always as prominent as it was during their cases in court, but it was still there during their normal lives. And yet here I was, crying my eyes out on some bloke I hadn't even known that long.

"Will they ever stop?" I whispered. Tears continued to fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks, falling on Niall's white baseball tee. He kept rubbing my back as we laid on the bed. "What, love?" He asked softly.

I lifted my left hand and wiped at my cheeks. "The tears."

He shrugged. "Honestly?" I gave a half nod. "I have no idea. But I'll be here through it all. I won't leave you, Spence."

That right there, that made me cry harder. The only other person in my life who wasn't family that would be there for me was Ronnie. And the fact that I hadn't known Niall as long as I had her and he was willing to lay here with me meant more to me then he would ever know. He was my saving grace right now. He was the only person that was here for me right now. And I would never forget that.

"Thank you," I spoke, my voice cracking. "Thank you."

He sighed, pulling me closer to him if that was even possible. "There's no need to thank me, love. I said I'd be here and I always will." He kissed the top of my head and just held me.

As crazy as it sounded, I needed this. I needed a good cry. And I needed a good cuddle. Niall was the perfect person for that. I had no idea of how I could repay him. But right now all I was worried about was getting rid of all these unwanted tears and this irritating pain.

"Can we take a nap?" I asked quietly. He nodded, moving ever so slightly to the right to flip off the table lamp. "Of course." I nuzzled my face in his shirt covered chest and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in and letting it out.

"Night, love," he murmured, kissing my head again.

"Night."


And these texts are spinning,
We be best in Britain,
When I say best, I mean best at livin',
As the best decision,
To see lesser limits

"Niall." I blindly searched the bed for him. "Niall. Answer your phone."

He let out a groan when my hand connected with his stomach. I pulled the covers up over my head and rolled over, burying my face in chest. He could be heard searching for his phone and when he finally found it, he answered it with a groan. "What?"

My eyes were closing and my breathing was slowing down when he started speaking again. "I'm in Germany. No not by myself, I'm with Spencer."

"Shhh," I shushed, poking him in the chest. He pulled the covers from over my head and glared at me while he continued talking. "I'm completely wore out, Ni. Tell whoever it is to be quiet." I caught what the person on the other end of the line said after they heard me.

"Did you finally shag her? She good in the sack, yeah?"

I didn't even have the energy to smart off. I just laid my head back on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. "I gotta go, Harry. I'll call you later." He hung up and tossed his phone back on the nightstand. "Sorry, love. Go back to sleep."

Without another word, I threw my arm across him and nuzzled my nose into his chest. "Night," I mumbled.

"Night."

Literally thirty minutes later I was being shook awake. "Wha— what?" I groaned out, rubbing my face.

"Your phones ringing." Niall didn't even open his eyes, he just shoved my phone in my face. I took it with a grumbled 'arse' and answered. "Yeah?"

"Did you literally just fall off the face of the earth or am I talking to your kidnapper?"

Seriously Kale? "Kale," I groaned, squinting my eyes at the clock on the wall. "It's two in the morning. I'm bloody tired. What do you want?"

"Well, I hadn't heard from you in a few days and was just wondering if you were still alive. Your dad came around here earlier asking where you were—"

I cut him off. "You didn't tell them where I was, did you? Did you tell them I went to Germany?" By now I was fully awake and sitting up in bed. I was still in the clothes from the meeting with my 'birth parents' yesterday. As soon as Niall and I got back to our room, I went straight to the bed and cried my eyes out. That was where I stayed until this very moment.

"Um, yeah. I mean, they're your parents. They have a right to know where you are. They were right worried, Spence," he explained. I let out an aggravated sigh, running a hand through my tangled hair. "Kale, they weren't supposed to know. I came here to find my birth parents. My birth parents." My voice cracked towards the end.

He blew out a loud sigh. "Shit. I'm sorry, Spence. I didn't— I'm— shit."

"I, uh... I have to go." I hung up my phone and tossed it on the nightstand. My back met the mattress with a soft thud. "Fucking hell!"

Niall shifted to my side of the bed and rested his head on my chest. "I'll go with you to talk to your parents when we get back," I mumbled, throwing his arm across my stomach. "But now, sleep."

He went to sleep in the snap of a finger but I couldn't. My mind was going a mile a minute. I was normally one who didn't worry about many things. All I had to worry about was me and my job. This was all new to me. Why didn't my birth parents want me? Why did they start a new family after they gave me up? My dad's weren't supposed to know I was here. Not until I wanted them to know. But now they knew. And I didn't know how to explain it to them. All this pain and this... this want was hard to explain. I wanted to be wanted; I wanted my birth parents to welcome me with open arms and love me. But none of it went as planned. They let their children talk down on me and talk about me like I was scum of the earth. And that hurt. My birth parents caused me pain. No parents, whatsoever, were supposed to cause their children pain.


Niall and I had been sitting in front of my parents house for quite some time. He offered to drive which I gratefully allowed. My mind hadn't stopped since last night, or this morning or whatever it was. I couldn't think straight enough to do anything but sit quietly. We finally got out of his Range Rover and made our way up the steps that lead to their front door. I opened it without knocking and almost sighed in relief when he grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers with mine.

"Dad? Pops?" I called out. Their record player was on and playing The Doors album, L.A. Woman. That was one of their favorite albums. The Doors were one of their favorite bands. I grew up listening to this stuff. It made me give a half arsed grin.

"Living room!" I lead Niall into the living room and nervously stood in the doorway. Both my dad's were sitting in their respected chairs with their own newspapers. My Dad was reading the sports section while my Pops was reading the funnies. They each got their own paper even though the sports and funnies were on different pages. They didn't care about saving the planet, obviously.

"Can we sit?" I asked timidly. Pops looked up with raised eyebrows. "Well, yes," he spoke. "As long as you introduce us to your friend."

I sat on the couch opposite them and Niall sat down beside me. He didn't let go of my hand and my parents took notice of that. The looks they gave me almost made me blush. Almost. "This is Niall, he's a good friend of mine. Ni, that's my Dad, Connor Faust and my Pops, Maxwell Fossil," I introduced.

"'Ello Niall," they both greeted. "Nice to meet you."

He stood up to shake their hands. "Nice to you, sir." He shook my Dad's hand and said that, then did the same to my Pops. We sat in silence for a few minutes before my Dad woke up.

"Spence," he started. "We had a reason."

And that was the straw that broke the camels back. The flood gates broke. Tears were in unlimited supply with me as of late. I didn't like it. But that didn't stop me from using the Irishman beside me as my shoulder to cry on. He said he'd be there for me and I was going to use that to my advantage. He was my go to person now. "I... They st-started a new family," I cried. Niall rubbed my back and kept quiet.

It took me a few minutes to calm down enough to speak clearly, but when I did, I told them everything. I told them how they acted, how their sons acted, what they said, what happened, everything. And all three of them stayed quiet. Niall never once let go of my hand, his thumb running over the top of it, soothing me in a way.

"I'm sorry, meine Liebe." Pops picked up a letter off the coffee table and handed it to me. It was addressed to me and sent from Germany. The envelope had a happy second birthday sticker on the front of it. I opened it and started reading it.

Spencer,

Happy second birthday my beautiful girl!

Oh wow. The thought of you being two today just boggles my mind. Leaves me speechless. It seems like just yesterday I was being rushed to the hospital. That day is still clear as ever in my mind. Your fathers, Connor and Maxwell have been sending me pictures of you and I've never been so happy to see anyone.

I know you won't read this until you're older and it'll take you a few years to understand what's going on, but I have some very important news to tell you. You're going to be a big sister! I found out just last week that I'm having twin boys. Oh gosh. I've never been so excited in my entire life.

The letter just kept going on and on about the twins. The twins this and the twins that. It was supposed to be a letter for me, but in reality it was a letter for her new children. And there they were telling me they were pregnant again two years after I was born. They were seventeen and having more kids when just two years before they gave me up for adoption because they weren't ready and were too young.

"We did it to protect you, meine Liebe." I wiped a few tears that had slipped down my cheeks. "We're sorry."

“My mind was a jumble, a mixed-up mess of hurt and want, but I didn’t know how to sort out the crazy rush of thoughts, and frankly, I didn’t want to." –Lauren Blakely