The Pros and Cons of Breathing

This was originally posted on INO. Basically I'm gonna post big chunks of the stories. Then when I reach where I left off on INO, they will become regular sized updates. Comment. Please.

NO FLAMES. If you don't like slash, don't read it.

I could never tell Gerard that I’m in love with him. That I’ve loved him for five years, since I was eleven. He’s my best friend’s older brother and I’m in love with him.

Maybe it’s that when I talk he really sees me, not just some emo teenager. Maybe I love that he needs someone, just like I do. Maybe we need each other.

I know he overdoses on his antidepressants. I know he drinks himself sick every night. I know he’s getting ready to drop out of college. He told me. Not Mikey, his own flesh and blood. But me. Frank Iero. His kid brother’s weird and depressed best friend whose life consists of getting a sugar high and playing (quite badly) the rhythm guitar.

He’s got these hazel eyes. But sometimes they’re green, blue, gray, brown, or just… hazel. He’s really pale though he’s Italian because he hates it outside at day. He’s got shoulder length black hair and he’s just… perfect.

“Hey, Frank. Check this out.” Gerard sat by me while I waited for Mikey to come down so we could go to school. He slid a piece of paper in front of me.

This broken city sky like butane on my skin
and stolen from my eyes
Hello Angel, tell me where are you
Tell me where we go from here

“If it completely sucks, it’s okay. What do you think?”

“Did you write this, Gerard?”

He nodded, biting his lip. I could smell Vodka and chocolate on his breath. “Is it… uh… okay?”

“It’s great, Gerard. Wow… is this, like, a song?”

“Erm… yeah. A chorus. This is all I have.”

Mikey came into the room and Gerard quickly hid the paper.

“Hi, Frankie.” Mikey said, making himself some toast. “Hey, Gee.”

Gerard stood, mumbled a hello, and went down to the basement where he lived.

Mikey got his toast from the toaster, pulled on a Misfits hoodie, and put on his backpack. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”

“Alright.” I stood from my seat at the table and pulled on my backpack.

“Bye, Gerard! Bye, Mom!” Mikey yelled.

“Bye, honey!” his mom yelled from somewhere.

Me and Mikey left and started waking towards school.

“Gerard got another letter from school. If he gets in trouble one more time he’s out. Mom’s going ballistic.” He told me.

I felt bad, hear “Oh…”

“Yeah. They got in a big fight. He ran out and came home drunk at midnight. Guess he’s hung over by now… I wish he’d get help or get over it.”

“Maybe it isn’t something he can’t get over.” I suggested.

"Has he… told you anything?” he looked at me and raised his eyebrow.

“No.” I said quickly.

“I went to my Dad’s house this weekend. My real dad, not Mikey’s. You know what he did? He raped me, and then introduced me to his new blond wife and kids.”

That was four years ago. That had sent Gerard, who was already experimenting with alcohol and drugs, over the edge. No one had been able to pull him back yet.

“Well, he needs to fucking get over it. He’s making our whole house a living hellhole.”

I wanted to hit Mikey. We were at the bus stop by now and all of the popular kids sent us nasty looks. We had never had friends until we met each other and we were each other’s only friends. Mikey was actually a grade higher than me. He was a junior with one year left of school after this coming summer. I’m a sophomore, one year behind him. Which means my senior year will be spent completely alone. I can’t wait.

We stayed off to the side. My headphones were on, hanging over my neck, and I was listening to the Misfits.

The bus pulled to a stop and everyone got on. I got on last and Eric, the school jock, tripped me. Everyone laughed and Mikey helped me up.

“Oops, sorry.” Eric laughed.

I glared at Eric before sitting down next to Mikey.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine.” I sighed.

“Are you—.”

“Drop it.” I snapped, putting my headphones on. Mikey shrugged and looked out the window…

Gerard’s P.O.V

I’m in love with him. That’s all there is to it. I have fallen in love with my baby brother’s barely sixteen year old best friend. Barely as in he turned sixteen five days ago.

God, I can’t handle this. All this shit with school, my mom, and even Mikey’s giving me a hard time now. I can handle Frank though. He is the only one who can cheer me up and, even though he’s only sixteen and I’m 21, I feel like I can tell him anything.

I was lying on my bed in the basement. I was home alone and hung-over.

There was a knock at the door. I roll over and ignore it, hoping they will go away. But they don’t.

I sighed and got up. When I opened the door I was face-to-face with a bloodied Frankie.

“Frank?” I gasped, pulling him gently in. “What the fuck happened?”

He attempted a weak grin but his lip began to tremble.

“Frankie, come on to the bathroom and we’ll get you cleaned up.”

He nodded and I led him to the bathroom. I pulled some washcloths out of a basket, wet one, and began to wipe his face.

“They jumped me.” Frank whispered. “During lunch.”

“Why?” I asked

“Because… well, isn’t it obvious, Gerard? I’m gay.”

He’s gay?!?

“Uh… well… oh.”

Frank sat down on the sink. “I couldn’t go home, Gerard. I just… can’t handle home right now.”

“You don’t have to go home.” I looked at his clean but cut face. “Did they use a fucking knife?!”

Frank nodded and blinked tears away. “Why does everyone fucking hate me so much?”

“I don’t hate you.” I whispered and the room grew silent, bar Frank’s watery hiccoughs as he tried not to cry. I put medicine on his cuts, staring into his beautiful watery green eyes. He had a lip ring and it had been bent during the fight. “Here, open your mouth.” When he did I gently took out the ring.

“Fuck. Dad’s gonna freak.” He moaned.

“I’ll take you to get a new one if you want.” I offered.

“Alright.” He nodded.

“I’ll get you some clothes. We can put those in the washer so they blood doesn’t stain.” I said before leaving to Mikey’s room to get home clothes. I heard him give a shuddery breath as I closed the door quietly. When I got back he was still sitting on the sink. I knew he was crying because his head was down and his shoulders shook. “Hey, Frankie…”

He looked up and took the clothes. His eyes were red and puffy and his cheeks were tearstained.

“Don’t listen to a fucking word they say, Frank. You’re so much better than all of them.”

He smiled a bit. “Thanks.”

I left again and went to the kitchen to wait for him. He took ten minutes to finally come down. He was in some of Mikey’s clothes— faded blue jeans and a red T-shirt. He looked off in so much color and without his lip ring. He was your classic emo kid who loved to wear only black.

He sat by me, looking uncomfortable. Probably because of his clothes, as he usually wore all black.

“You hungry or anything? We could go to the mall and eat, then go to Hot Topic and get you a new lip ring.”

He shrugged and sniffled. “I wish my mom would let me drop out.”

I looked at him. This was the first I’d heard of this. “You should at least finish high school.”

He sighed and buried his head in the crook of his arm. I put a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed. He looked up. “I am kind of hungry. I didn’t get lunch. Kinda hard to eat while you’re getting the shit knocked out of you.”

“C’mon.” I stood up and we got out to the car. The nearest mall that was any good was two hours away so, after stopping at a vegetarian friendly restaurant, we headed out.

After a while Frank seemed much happier. He cheered up and started talking about the line up for this years Warped Tour.

I wanted to lean over and kiss him. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how much he meant to me. I wanted to run away with him and live happily ever after, if there is such a thing.

When we finally got to the mall we immediately went to Hot Topic where Frankie got a new lip ring and a Bouncing Souls hoodie. Then we went into the comic book store and pointed out our favorite ones. We had sat on a bench in the store and were reading the new X-Men comic when his hand, sweaty and shaky, slid into mine.

My heart began to race as I wrapped an arm around his waist.

“You can turn the page.” He said and his voice sounded odd.

I did, not even seeing the pages anymore. Did he just need to be held or did he like me too? Did I have a chance?

He shifted and our hands fell apart. I removed my arm from around his waist and, just to give myself something to do, bought the comic.

“It’s three.” Frankie said. He again looked very uncomfortable. Was it the clothes or did he like me too? Had I scared him?

No. He’s Mikey’s best friend. Very off limits.

“Are you ready?”

“I guess.” Frank shrugged. “I’ve gotta baby-sit the girls later.”

He has two little sisters, Kaylie and Elizabeth. Elizabeth, or Liz, is 4. Kaylie is 3. Frank’s mom had gone through a relationship and had gotten two kids, and then the bastard left. Two weeks after Kaylie was born.

“Okay.” We set off towards the car and his hand brushed against mine. We both blushed.

“I-… sorry.” Frank buried his hands in his pockets.

“Y-yeah.” We got into the car and I reached to turn the heater on, but remembered it didn’t work. “The heat doesn’t work...”

“Yeah… I figured.” Frank said, zipping his hoodie up.

The two hour ride home was full of an awkward silence. The radio wasn’t coming in well either.

I finally got him home.

“I’ll… uh… get my clothes tomorrow.” Frank said when my car pulled to a stop in his driveway.

“Okay.”

“Uh… thanks. For everything. You’ve been a good friend, Gerard.”

I smiled. “Yeah, sure. See ya tomorrow.”

He went in. It wasn’t until around midnight, when Mikey got the call, that I realized exactly what Frank had said….

Gerard’s P.O.V

“Can you please take me to the hospital, mom?” Mikey pleaded at one in the morning, following our mother into her bedroom. I listened from the kitchen, shaking.

You’ve been a good friend, Gerard.

It all made sense now. Frank’s mom had gotten home two hours ago. She apparently found Frank in his bedroom in a pool of blood. The girls had been put to bed.

“Linda said that even she isn’t allowed to see Frank now, Michael. Just go get a good nights sleep and we’ll go in the morning.”

“Mom!” Mikey shouted angrily.

“MICHAEL! NOW!”

Mikey stomped out of the room, scowling.

“Wait for her to go to bed and I’ll take you.” I whispered.

Mikey looked into my eyes. “Are you drunk?”

“No.” I said and I was telling the truth.

He nodded and walked into his room, then shut the door behind him.

Oh, Frank… why did you have to do this?

Gerard’s P.O.V

“Ms. Pricolo.” Mikey rushed forward and hugged Frank’s Mom an hour later.

“Michael, Gerard… what on Earth? Does your mother know you’re here?”

“Not exactly.” Mikey admitted.

“Well, thank you for coming boys.” Linda hugged me and placed a hand on my cheek. “You’re sober, huh?”

I nodded, feeling myself turn red.

“Let’s keep it that way, huh? I like to see the real you.” She smiled, hugged me again, and wiped her teary eyes. “I’m very glad you two came but I’m sorry to say it was for nothing. No one can see him now.”

“Why not?” Mikey asked, sitting down.

“He lost a lot of blood, sweetie. He’s in bad shape.” Linda sniffed.

I sat down because I felt like I could no longer stand. Frank couldn’t die… no, he couldn’t.

“Oh, he’ll be fine in time. I’ve got faith in that.”

I closed my eyes. Linda and her faith. Faith meant nothing.

We were all three silent for a good hour before a doctor came in.

“If you three promise to be quiet, you can see Frank now. He’s sleeping.”

“Thank you so much.” Linda sighed and we followed the doctor.

Frank looked so fragile in the hospital bed. He had one of those dreadful gowns on and he looked so small. His pale skin blended in with the sheets and though it was almost beautiful in a way, it was scary. His breath rose and fell in a set pattern. His breath was raspy and we could hear each one, and each seemed more difficult than the previous.

“Oh God.” Linda said and left the room, crying. Mikey muttered something to me— I didn’t hear what— and left.

I approached Frank’s bed and took his hand. I ran my thumb along his, staring at his pale face.

“Gerard?” he whispered. I think that’s what he whispered.

“I’m here.” I whispered back.

His green eyes fluttered open and they almost instantly filled with tears. “I can’t even kill myself right.”

“Oh, Frank…” I squeezed his hand. “Why did you do this?”

“They’re always fighting over me… I’m fucking miserable whether I’m at home or school… they only time I’m not miserable is when…” he trailed off and a single tear fell down his face. I used my free hand to wipe it away.

“When?” I prompted.

“When I’m with you.” He closed his eyes tight. “It’s different around you, Gerard.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t want to die when I’m with you… I don’t know… I just… think I…”

“Think what, Frankie?”

“I lo—.”

Mikey and Linda stepped back in together and Frankie trailed off.

“Frank!” Lind rushed to his side. “Oh, are you okay? Why did you do this? Oh, baby… If you needed help you only had to ask.”

Mikey smiled at Frank.

Frank sighed and looked out the window.

“Frank?” Linda asked.

Frank didn’t answer.

“Frank, are you okay?” Mikey asked.

Frank shrugged.

“Why won’t you talk to me, sweetie?” Linda asked, stroking his hair.

“Because I hate all of you!” Frank shouted before closing his eyes.

Linda began to cry while I looked to Mikey.

“Frank, don’t say that.” Linda sobbed quietly.

Frank turned away from her…

Gerard's P.O.V

The next day Frank had still not spoken to anyone unless you count our talk before his mom and Mikey came in. Now I'm alone with him because Mom came and personally took Mikey to school (after a BIG fight) and Linda had to go to work.

He was sleeping and I was sitting on the extra bed in his room, thinking.

Frank rolled over and let out a small moan. Then his eyes opened and they fell on me.

"Good morning." I smiled at him.

"Hi." he whispered, burrowing under his covers.

I went over and sat by him, surprised but very happy he was talking. "Cold?"

He nodded.

I got a blanket that was lying on a chair by the bed and placed it over him. "Your mom is at work but she’ll be here soon. Your dad is driving in tonight." I regretted saying this because his face fell and he looked down. "Hey..." he looked up at me. "What's so bad about that?"

"Dad wants custody." Frankie sighed. "He's just gonna cause trouble."

"Maybe not." I said sitting by him.

He took a deep breath. "I like you, Gerard."

"I like you too, Frank."

"No. I like like you. I think I love you."

I could barely hear him, his voice was so low.

I leaned forward and gently pressed my lips to his. He kissed back. It was a gentle kiss and didn't last more than 5 seconds, but it said everything.

He pulled away, green eyes wide. "You just... woah..."

I pressed my lips to his again and he scrambled onto my lap. The innocent kissing soon turned into making out and his hands were running through my hair. I could feel his bandages.

I pulled away and gently held his hands, eyeing the bandages. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine now.” he whispered, smiling.

"Did you do this because of me?"

"No... It was everything. School, mom and dad fighting over me... constantly being home alone with the girls... the people at school hating me. And then being in love with someone since I was 11 and knowing they would never-- could never-- love me back. It just built up... Eric and his friends jumping me at lunch was just... it. I had had enough and I wanted out."

"Five years? Why didn't you ever tell me, Frank?"

He shrugged, looking down. He looked so pale and fragile on the bed. "I dunno. I was eleven and you were sixteen. What would you have done?"

I didn't know what to say. He had a point. I hadn't had feelings for him until last year.

He interrupted my thought by climbing back underneath the covers. I sat next to him silently. Mainly because I couldn’t think of anything to say. At least anything that sounded normal. I couldn’t have strung together a sentence that moment if I'd tried.

The door opened and his mom came in. She still had on a waitress uniform and looked extremely tired.

"Thank you so much for staying, Gerard. How do you feel, Frank?"

Frank shrugged.

"Are you still refusing to talk? I hope this doesn't last as long as you refused to eat until I made you all vegetarian meals. You still can't eat right after that." she looked defeated.

Frank made no comment, but he did look even more upset when his mom began to cry.

I didn’t know who to comfort so I got up and left the room, figuring they just needed some time alone. I made my way into the cafeteria and bought a cookie with the last of the cash I had and sat alone in a corner. Most people hated sitting alone. For me this was high school all over again. In high school I had always sat alone and hated it. Eventually I just took my food and ate outside my class, then went to the library or art room to draw. Now I pretty much lived alone, in my head, so I was used to this. The last few days I had talked more than I ever had.

I think I love you.

This was almost too much. We could never be together. I would ruin him. His parents nor mine would approve. I nibbled on my cookie, thinking. Maybe he was still heavily drugged and he wouldn’t even remember the kiss this time tomorrow.

He wasn’t drugged. He said he’d felt this way for five fucking years. He wasn’t lying.

“What have I gotten myself into?” I miserably muttered. This wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t a legal adult or he wasn’t sixteen.

Not even old enough to know what he wants.

“Sure he is.”

“Are you okay, darling?” An old woman asked me.

“Everything is pretty fucked, actually.” I snapped.

“Well, dear, I hope everything works out. May I borrow your salt?”

I shoved it towards the lady, got up, and stormed off towards the hospital exit. I ran outside and lit a cigarette, then checked my watch. Only noon. If I hadn’t dropped out of college the day before yesterday I would be in Biology now. I hated that class. I hated every class.

I was afraid to go home. Afraid my mom, now surely knowing what I did, would kick me out. She’d kept me four years more than she had to. Maybe I’d walk in and find my stuff boxed up.

I walked to a gas station and, pulling out an “Emergency” credit card, bought a small bottle of Vodka and a bottle of Diet Coke. When I got out of the store I mixed them and took a large gulp. I felt my eyes tear up and sank to the ground, now back at the hospital. I sat, drinking my liquor and Diet Coke, for half an hour before I stood. I stumbled and leaded against the wall until I could see straight.

What room was Frank’s? Wasn’t it upstairs? No, it was down.

I stumbled downstairs. It was no use. I couldn’t remember a damn thing. I remember sitting in a bench and then everything went black…

Gee’s P.O.V.
Later That Same Day…

“You’re more pathetic than I thought.”

My eyes opened and my dad’s face slowly swam into focus. There was no one I loathed more than my dad. Him raping me four years ago had ruined my life. It was his fault I was a drunk and that I took more than the prescribed amount of pain killers. He was the reason I was on painkillers. I threw up on the floor next to his feet (Damn. I missed.) and he jumped back. When I was done he moved around my vomit and approached me. I flinched.

“Your mother told me to bring you home. Now get up.”

I shook my head, making me extremely dizzy. “Go away.”

“I don’t have time for your fucking games, you drunken whore! GET UP!”

I winced as he toughly yanked me up. No one was around to witness this abuse of course.

“I’m missing work for this. My son who is a disgrace.” He was pulling me towards the car, hand around my arm like I was a small child. “Did you hear me, Gerard? You are a disgrace.” He shook me roughly and I whimpered, everything beginning to spin. “To my family, to your mother’s family, to your brother.”

“No.” I whimpered.

“Yes!” he hissed, shoving me into the outside of his expensive looking car. He grabbed the bottle of what Vodka was left over and threw it onto the ground. It shattered and the liquid spilled, leaving an awful smell. “You are a drop out and a drunk. You’ve never been good for anything and you’ll never be good for anything. He shoved me into the car so I fell onto the back seat.

I stayed, lying down, because I didn’t want to know what would happen if I struggled. Maybe he’d rape me again, though I think he was too disgusted to do that now. Plus, he’d only done that once.

Once was enough to fuck up my life.

It wasn’t long before I blacked out again. I woke up in my bed at around dawn with a hang over that could rival all others. I looked at my alarm clock. 6:47AM.

I reached for my bottle of Wellbutrin and popped three. Frankie was out of the water so I didn’t need to be sober.

I collapsed onto the bed and waited for the drugs to take effect. My arm was over my eyes, blocking out the one sunbeam that was attempting to make its way into my room.

My door opened and someone walked down the stairs and I was face-to-face with Mikey.

“Mrs. Pricolo just called. Frankie’s coming home tonight.” He told me, stopping by my bed. “Do you think you can take me?”

“Sure, Mikey.” I sighed, covering my eyes again.

“Gerard… are you okay?”

“No.”

He didn’t go away because I didn’t hear his footsteps. I lowered my arm again and peered at him.

“You can talk to me. I’m not a little baby. I won’t run and tell mom.” He said, staring me in the eye.

“You’d be old and gray by the time I was done…. But thanks.” I added. I rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. He still didn’t leave. He sat on my floor, a book he was reading for English in his hands, and began to read.

“Why aren’t you in school?” I asked, remembering it was Thursday. I rolled back over to face him.

“Got suspended.”

“Why?” I sat up. Mikey had never been in trouble in school.

“I hit Eric, the ass who had his friends beat up Frankie on Monday.” He grinned.

“…. Oh.” I said. Had it really only been four days? “What happened?”

“I hit him in the jaw and he— get this— started to fucking cry and beg me not to touch him.”

“What’d you do?” I laughed for the first time in ages.

“Fucking hit him again. Man, I wish his friends had been there. But then our principal came up, called mom, and… here I am.”

I smiled and, for the first time in ages, had a full conversation with my baby brother.

I feel bad that I didn’t even know he’s got a 3.5 GPA in school and he’s gotten four college scholarships. I also didn’t even know he’s playing bass now and is in a band that he’s trying to come up with a name for. He’s working at a Barnes and Nobles too. When had he grown up so much? It seems like only yesterday he would get up early on Saturdays to watch Superman with me and Mom. Now he was a junior in school and in a fucking band. I didn’t even know he liked music enough to be in a band.

“What about you?” he asked me, tilting his head. He was sitting cross-legged on my floor and I was sitting on my bed in a similar position.

I’m in love with your best friend, Mikey. He’s the only reason I haven’t popped that whole bottle of pills next to you.

“Nothing really. What you see.” I sighed.

“Are you going to go back to school?”

I shook my head and lay back down, feeling the high from the Wellbutrin hit full force. I was content and complete.

“I’ll just walk to Frank’s. You need sleep.”

“No. I’ll take you.”

Mikey sighed and played with a hole in the knee of his jeans. “Are you in a state to drive?”

“By the time we go I will be.” I answered.

He rolled his eyes and stood. “Get some rest, Gee.”

I lay there a long time after he left until I eventually slipped into the darkness…