Sequel: The Pros and Cons of Living ›
The Pros and Cons of Breathing
Part 5
Gerard’s P.O.V
It was such a change going from having no one to having the most important person in my life with me again. Watching him move around, play with his sisters and dog, smile, and talk was amazing since for so long all he did was sleep.
I know I’ve gotta go back to the band soon but all I want to do is be with Frankie. I’ve spent most of my time here with him since we got back together. Part of me just wanted to be near him, part of me wanted to make sure his dad didn’t try anything again. Why in the world I don’t know, but he’s still here.
“Gerard?” he asked me in a quiet voice. We were both lying on his bed at opposite ends and I was stroking his thigh.
“Yeah, babe?” I whispered, smiling.
“What’s going to happen to us when you go back to the band?”
“I haven’t really been thinking about it too much.” I admitted, sitting up.
“Well…” he sat up as well and came to the head of the bed to sit near me. “I have… and I don’t want to have a long distance relationship. I want you with me. I want to be with you.”
“Do you want to come back with me?” I asked, wrapping an arm around him. “Maybe you could even join My Chem.”
“Join My Chem?” he repeated, looking doubtful.
“Everyone already loves you, Frank.” I said. “You don’t have to. If you did you could start playing actual shows when you’re ready, you know. No pressure.”
He nodded, still looking doubtful.
“But you could always just come with me... just to be there.” I added.
He nuzzled my neck, draping an arm around my stomach. “I like that for now. So, when do we leave?”
“When you’re ready.”
“Tomorrow sound good?”
“Neat-o!”
The Next Day…
Frank’s P.O.V
The weirdest thing is going into a bookstore and seeing your boyfriend on all the magazine covers. Gee and I went into the bookstore so I could buy a few books before we left and that’s exactly what happened. Two he didn’t seem to mind to be on, but when he saw his face on a Teen Pop magazine he cringed and began to mutter angrily under his breath.
I glanced at the magazines. He looked so much different on them with make up. Maybe it was that he looked so confident in himself. The Gee I knew was still slightly drunk because he seemed to be having problems getting sober this time around. He walked close to me, sort of like he was afraid to be alone. I think the real reason though is he didn’t want me to be alone. Anytime I walk down stairs or anything he has his arm right near me as if to stop me in case I fall. That’s sweet because the doctor said any falls and I could go into a relapse.
He lead me to the murder mysteries, my favorite at the moment, not looking at two girls in cheerleader outfits who were giggling at him. We still couldn’t get away from the magazines though because another one was by he books, open to a interview.
He had a horrorstruck look and I laughed. “Someone is a teenie boy now, huh?”
“It’s so fucking awful.” Gee moaned, burying his head in my neck. I kissed the top of his head and began to look at the books. He was now behind me, arms around my waist and his hands rested on my stomach. Every few seconds he would kiss my neck, making me moan. Also making it very difficult to find some books. “Get Anne Rice.” He suggested, kissing my neck again.
“No. I’ve already read them.”
“It’s been a year and a half, Frankie. I’m sure she’s released more.”
“I don’t want books by her. I want Brimstone and Dance of Death.”
Gee let go of me and went to look for my books while I went back over to the magazines, grinning wickedly. “I’ll take all of these with that Gerard dude on the cover.” I told the cashier.
He raised his eyebrow, but went and got every magazine with Gee on the cover while I looked to make sure Gerard was still looking for my books. I purchased them all (Who knew pictures of a fake Gerard were so expensive?) and waited for Gerard, the bags behind my back.
“What have you got?”
I glanced at the magazine rack. “Fire wood.”
He glanced too, then grinned and bought my books. We went to the back of the mall by the Trash Bin and set all of the magazines on fire. We stayed there, watching the fire, until it died out and it was late.
“Time to catch the plane, I think.” Gerard said.
“Shit!” I cried, having forgotten about the plane. We were supposed to be there four hours early and the plane was to arrive in ten minutes. We caught a taxi and made it to the airplane just in time. We sat in the small seats, laughing and panting.
“We made it.” He panted, smiling.
“We did.” I said, leaning forward to kiss him.
The Next Morning…
“Frankie!” Ray yelled, pouncing on me. I fell onto a couch in their bus, being hugged by Ray.
Mikey laughed and Gerard opened his mouth like he was going to say something, and then stopped.
“Hi, Ray.” I laughed, hugging him back.
“Are you gonna join the band?” Ray asked. “Pleeeeeeeeease. Gee said you weren’t sure but you have to, have to, have to.”
I laughed again as he got off of me and got down on his knees to beg. “I don’t have my guitars.”
“Mail.” Mikey and Ray said together.
“Am I being ganged up on here?” I asked, arching my eyebrow.
“Yes. We’ve even got bribes.” Ray pulled something out of a drawer. A huge bag of skittles. Then…. One, two, three more!!!
My mouth dropped and I reached for one. Ray gave me one damn skittle. I ate it and reached for another.
“Ah, ah, ah.”
“This is so mean.” Gerard laughed from the couch where he was watching.
Ray was moving another purple skittle in front of my eyes and my whole head followed it. “Will you join the band?”
“Skittle…” I reached up for it.
“Will you join the band?” he asked again.
“I dunno yet.” I whined.
“Then I don’t think you can have the skittles. These are skittles only made for My Chem members, right Mikey?”
Mikey nodded and took a handful of my skittles!!!
I jumped at him but Gerard grabbed me from behind. “No falls.”
“Skittles!”
“Join My Chem.” Mikey said through a mouthful of skittles.
“I’ll stand on my head and whistle through my ass if you give me the damn bags!” I finally moaned.
Ray took this as my agreement to join My Chem and tossed the bags of skittles at me. A chorus of “YAY!” rang through out the bus, even from the driver. I paid no attention though and dived my hand into the bag. Gerard pulled me onto the couch with him, laughing still.
“I like skittles.” I said cheerfully, offering him some.
“Well I like you.” He said and placed a kiss on my lips.
“So,” Ray said, interrupting our moment. “When are you gonna start writing music?” then he practically shoved a guitar at me. My guitar Pansy.
“How the…” I muttered, looking down at her.
“I had a feeling you would be swayed by the Skittles.” Gerard said, smiling.
“You’ll had this bribe planned all along, didn’t you?” I pouted. “Well what if I eat all the skittles then change my mind?”
They all three nodded. The rest of the night Ray and I listened to all of My Chemical Romance’s CDs and he helped me write new parts for me.
Frank's POV
I don't know why but I expected Gerard to go back to his old self. I'd been an official member of MCR for two weeks and performing for one and he still hadn't even TRIED to quit drinking. In fact, it's gotten worse.
He goes up and performs every day drunk out of his fucking mind and then he literally collapses until about an hour before our show the next day. What is that hour used for? Drinking, of course.
Matt isn't helping. Not only do I not like him because he's just plain crazy, I don't like him because he parades around drunk and high while me, Mikey, and Ray are trying to slowly coax Gerard back to the land of the sober, as Ray calls it.
Gerard gets worse each time. Last night we had to cancel our show to take him to the hospital because he wouldn't wake up.
He won't admit he has a problem, unlike last time when he admitted he had a problem and put everything he had towards getting clean. Now he just gets angry, stalks off, and refuses to talk to anyone. That's when he isn't unconscious of course.
I can't help but wonder what's going to happen when he gets so drunk even the paramedics can't wake him up...
Frank POV
Two Days Later...
It was wrong, what I was doing, but I really had no other choice. It's late and while Matt and Gerard are out getting drunk, me, Brian, Mikey, and Ray are having a meeting.
"Guys, I know this is hard but I've talked to Gerard about it before. Several times. He WANTS to be drunk. There's nothing else to it." Brian said.
Mikey was sitting at the table, looking down miserably at the floor. Ray was looking out the window and I was looking at Brian.
"The shows were going downhill before you joined, Frank. You've really brought them up."
"For every ten steps Frank takes up, Gerard and Matt take ten down." Ray snapped.
"Gerard isn't the one messing up, Ray! Matt is! If Matt wasn't here Gerard would be able to get better!" Mikey spat, looking up.
"What has Matt got to do with Gerard being drunk?" Brian asked.
"I don't know, it just... does. I mean Gerard and Matt go get drunk together. Matt was a drunk before he even met Gerard. He's screwing up our shows; he's screwing up our lives, he screwing up everything that we worked so hard to build." Mikey sighed and went back to looking down at the floor.
A awkward silence filled the room. I knew Mikey was right and apparently everyone else did too.
"So..." Brian said, breaking the silence. "What do we do about this? Revenge is selling out, guys. Your tour is selling out too. We can't have Gerard and Matt acting like this."
"Then we get rid of Matt." Ray said. "But if Gerard leaves, I leave."
Gee's POV
I had just woken up and gone to the bathroom when I noticed Frank staring outside, a sad and far away look on his face.
I instantly wondered over and, getting closer, I noticed unshed tears in his green eyes. "Frankie, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, Gee." he sniffed, breaking my heart.
"Frank, tell me."
"You won't remember it in the morning anyway." he said cruelly.
"Of course I will." I sat by him on the couch and pulled him close, only to have him wriggle away.
"Go ask Mikey or Ray what's wrong, Gerard."
I sighed and stood, then marched to Mikey's bunk. "Mikey, what's going on?"
"Last night when you and Matt were gone we had a meeting, Gerard."
"About what?"
"Your problem."
"I don't have a damn problem!"
"Yes, you fucking do! Do you want to know what we decided or not?"
"You're kicking me out?!"
"No! Just listen. We've decided to let Matt go."
"WHAT?!"
"When we leave for Japan Bob Bryar--remember him? -- is going to fill in. He's the Used's sound guy."
"The Used--?"
Mikey sighed.
"But what did Otter do?!"
Mikey got out of his bunk and stormed down the "hall" of our bus, yanking me behind him. He then put a video put a video in our VCR and one of our shows began to play. Matt's playing was completely off. I was stumbling around and yelling like a drunken idiot, and everyone else was trying as hard as they could to save the show.
"Last night, Gerard. This is what My Chem has turned into." Mikey said, and then left me alone. I watched the tape several times, not even aware I was no longer alone.
Brian sat next to me.
"I've got a problem, haven't I?" I asked in a hoarse voice.
"Mhmm." he nodded and turned the tape off, then trashed it.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.
"You can get help though."
"And Otter... really has to go?"
Brian nodded. "If you had been sober you'd see why."
I sighed again.
Brian stood. "The new manager is here. He's a good guy, Gerard. He'll help take care of things but I'm only a phone call away if you need me."
I nodded. "Bye, Brian."
"Bye, Gerard."
Gerard's POV
I don't know why I just can't fucking quit. I say I'll try but I never do. Try, I mean. It's tearing Frankie up inside and I can tell it, but I want to be like this. I don't feel right without the drugs and the alcohol. I don't feel anything but pain. It's worse than it used to be and I'm just trying to block it out but it’s making everyone hate me. Or in Frank's case, want to leave me. He hasn't said it but he does. Every time I see him he looks sad at first, and then puts on a smile when he notices me.
So should I give up myself for them to be happy? For what?
But if I don't I'm going to lose them. I've already lost Otter. Well, tomorrow I will at the airport.
I think I've made up my mind. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself. Frank'll find love, Mikey will be okay. He's better off without me anyway. I'll do it soon.
Yeah, soon.
Frank's POV
Gerard stumbled off of the plane, holding onto Ray for support. He hadn't had one drink all morning and the withdrawal was taking toll on his body.
I went over to Gerard and took him from Ray. I saw tears in his eyes and knew they were because he was never going to see Matt again. He pulled away from me and hugged Matt, muttering a goodbye.
Matt left and me and Ray exchanged glances. Gerard came back over to me and I slid my arm around his waist.
"Let's get home, guys." Ray said. Mikey lived with his girlfriend Jeanna while Gerard had lived with Ray, which is where I would be going.
We said bye to Mikey, who ran to meet Jeanna at the entrance of the airport. Gerard's eyes were still filled with tears when we got in the car. Once we'd been driving they had began to fall.
I knew something was wrong, so I asked him what it was.
"Nothing." he whispered, laying his head on the window. He was shaking and sweating. I grasped his hand and squeezed. "I love you." Then he began to cry.
Ray looked back from the driver's seat at us and I shrugged, pulling my boyfriend close. He was muttering quickly but I couldn't understand a word of it. I think he was praying.
We pulled into their apartment and Gerard instantly ran and locked himself in the bathroom. Ray had a confused look on his face and I sighed, deciding to leave Gerard alone.
Gerard's POV
Late that night...
I didn't come out of the bathroom until like three in the morning and everyone else was asleep.
I'm not gonna make it through tonight, I thought to myself wiping sweat from my forehead, then vomit from my mouth. I curled in my bed, hurting everywhere. Not only physically, but emotionally. I reached for my bottle of Xanax and popped three, hoping to ease the pain. Eventually there was darkness and I just knew I was dying...
Frank's POV
The next morning I went into Gerard's room to find him sleeping, a open Xanax bottle next to him. I checked to make sure he was actually sleeping and when I heard his breath, I took the Xanax pills and flushed them down the toilet. Then I began raiding his room for drugs, pills, alcohol, and even glass so he wouldn't resort to cutting himself again. If he wasn't going to make this easy for him to stop, I wasn't going to make it easy for him to continue.
He rolled over in his sleep as I left the room, everything I could find that he could use to harm himself in my arms. Ray helped me dispose of the drugs, pills, and alcohol and locked the glass in a cabinet with all of the knives.
"He's going to be so pissed when he wakes up, you know." Ray told me.
"At least he's waking up." I muttered, going back to Gerard's room. I slid down by him and he curled into me, smiling. I lay there with him for several hours before he showed signs of waking up. But, as I had told Ray, at least he was waking up.
Gerard's POV
I woke up in Frank's arms and smiled, forgetting everything that had gone wrong.
"Good afternoon." Frank whispered.
"Hi." I sat up and looked around. I noticed immediately that anything alcoholic was gone... and my Wellbutrin... and my Xanax.... and my cocaine... "Frank..."
"I'm sorry." Frank whispered. "I had to help you and this is the only way I could think to."
"Where'd you put it all?" I shouted.
"It's gone! All of it!"
I ran to my drawers and moved stuff aside. My spare Xanax gone. My beer gone.
"It's all gone, Gerard!" Frank shouted. "I'm helping you, whether you want it or not!"
"Where the fuck is it, you fucking idiot?" I shouted, not realizing I was talking to Frank.
Shock registered on his face, and then his eyes narrowed. "You aren't Gerard, Gerard. You're just... some drunk. I'm helping you. How do you think I feel dating someone who calls me a 'fucking idiot'? It sucks!"
"Then leave me and give me back my fucking pills!"
"No! I'm not leaving you! I love you too fucking much! Baby, you helped me through so much. Let me help you. We can do this."
"No we fucking can't."
"It's August 11th, Gerard. As long as I'm living you'll never have another drink or another hit." Frank promised.
"You're fucking stupid!" I continued to shout. I sank to my floor and began to cry. How could I do this? I can't even last a day?
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Frank asked quietly.
I shook my head slowly, sobbing. "Don't leave me, Frankie. I can't do it without you."
It was such a change going from having no one to having the most important person in my life with me again. Watching him move around, play with his sisters and dog, smile, and talk was amazing since for so long all he did was sleep.
I know I’ve gotta go back to the band soon but all I want to do is be with Frankie. I’ve spent most of my time here with him since we got back together. Part of me just wanted to be near him, part of me wanted to make sure his dad didn’t try anything again. Why in the world I don’t know, but he’s still here.
“Gerard?” he asked me in a quiet voice. We were both lying on his bed at opposite ends and I was stroking his thigh.
“Yeah, babe?” I whispered, smiling.
“What’s going to happen to us when you go back to the band?”
“I haven’t really been thinking about it too much.” I admitted, sitting up.
“Well…” he sat up as well and came to the head of the bed to sit near me. “I have… and I don’t want to have a long distance relationship. I want you with me. I want to be with you.”
“Do you want to come back with me?” I asked, wrapping an arm around him. “Maybe you could even join My Chem.”
“Join My Chem?” he repeated, looking doubtful.
“Everyone already loves you, Frank.” I said. “You don’t have to. If you did you could start playing actual shows when you’re ready, you know. No pressure.”
He nodded, still looking doubtful.
“But you could always just come with me... just to be there.” I added.
He nuzzled my neck, draping an arm around my stomach. “I like that for now. So, when do we leave?”
“When you’re ready.”
“Tomorrow sound good?”
“Neat-o!”
The Next Day…
Frank’s P.O.V
The weirdest thing is going into a bookstore and seeing your boyfriend on all the magazine covers. Gee and I went into the bookstore so I could buy a few books before we left and that’s exactly what happened. Two he didn’t seem to mind to be on, but when he saw his face on a Teen Pop magazine he cringed and began to mutter angrily under his breath.
I glanced at the magazines. He looked so much different on them with make up. Maybe it was that he looked so confident in himself. The Gee I knew was still slightly drunk because he seemed to be having problems getting sober this time around. He walked close to me, sort of like he was afraid to be alone. I think the real reason though is he didn’t want me to be alone. Anytime I walk down stairs or anything he has his arm right near me as if to stop me in case I fall. That’s sweet because the doctor said any falls and I could go into a relapse.
He lead me to the murder mysteries, my favorite at the moment, not looking at two girls in cheerleader outfits who were giggling at him. We still couldn’t get away from the magazines though because another one was by he books, open to a interview.
He had a horrorstruck look and I laughed. “Someone is a teenie boy now, huh?”
“It’s so fucking awful.” Gee moaned, burying his head in my neck. I kissed the top of his head and began to look at the books. He was now behind me, arms around my waist and his hands rested on my stomach. Every few seconds he would kiss my neck, making me moan. Also making it very difficult to find some books. “Get Anne Rice.” He suggested, kissing my neck again.
“No. I’ve already read them.”
“It’s been a year and a half, Frankie. I’m sure she’s released more.”
“I don’t want books by her. I want Brimstone and Dance of Death.”
Gee let go of me and went to look for my books while I went back over to the magazines, grinning wickedly. “I’ll take all of these with that Gerard dude on the cover.” I told the cashier.
He raised his eyebrow, but went and got every magazine with Gee on the cover while I looked to make sure Gerard was still looking for my books. I purchased them all (Who knew pictures of a fake Gerard were so expensive?) and waited for Gerard, the bags behind my back.
“What have you got?”
I glanced at the magazine rack. “Fire wood.”
He glanced too, then grinned and bought my books. We went to the back of the mall by the Trash Bin and set all of the magazines on fire. We stayed there, watching the fire, until it died out and it was late.
“Time to catch the plane, I think.” Gerard said.
“Shit!” I cried, having forgotten about the plane. We were supposed to be there four hours early and the plane was to arrive in ten minutes. We caught a taxi and made it to the airplane just in time. We sat in the small seats, laughing and panting.
“We made it.” He panted, smiling.
“We did.” I said, leaning forward to kiss him.
The Next Morning…
“Frankie!” Ray yelled, pouncing on me. I fell onto a couch in their bus, being hugged by Ray.
Mikey laughed and Gerard opened his mouth like he was going to say something, and then stopped.
“Hi, Ray.” I laughed, hugging him back.
“Are you gonna join the band?” Ray asked. “Pleeeeeeeeease. Gee said you weren’t sure but you have to, have to, have to.”
I laughed again as he got off of me and got down on his knees to beg. “I don’t have my guitars.”
“Mail.” Mikey and Ray said together.
“Am I being ganged up on here?” I asked, arching my eyebrow.
“Yes. We’ve even got bribes.” Ray pulled something out of a drawer. A huge bag of skittles. Then…. One, two, three more!!!
My mouth dropped and I reached for one. Ray gave me one damn skittle. I ate it and reached for another.
“Ah, ah, ah.”
“This is so mean.” Gerard laughed from the couch where he was watching.
Ray was moving another purple skittle in front of my eyes and my whole head followed it. “Will you join the band?”
“Skittle…” I reached up for it.
“Will you join the band?” he asked again.
“I dunno yet.” I whined.
“Then I don’t think you can have the skittles. These are skittles only made for My Chem members, right Mikey?”
Mikey nodded and took a handful of my skittles!!!
I jumped at him but Gerard grabbed me from behind. “No falls.”
“Skittles!”
“Join My Chem.” Mikey said through a mouthful of skittles.
“I’ll stand on my head and whistle through my ass if you give me the damn bags!” I finally moaned.
Ray took this as my agreement to join My Chem and tossed the bags of skittles at me. A chorus of “YAY!” rang through out the bus, even from the driver. I paid no attention though and dived my hand into the bag. Gerard pulled me onto the couch with him, laughing still.
“I like skittles.” I said cheerfully, offering him some.
“Well I like you.” He said and placed a kiss on my lips.
“So,” Ray said, interrupting our moment. “When are you gonna start writing music?” then he practically shoved a guitar at me. My guitar Pansy.
“How the…” I muttered, looking down at her.
“I had a feeling you would be swayed by the Skittles.” Gerard said, smiling.
“You’ll had this bribe planned all along, didn’t you?” I pouted. “Well what if I eat all the skittles then change my mind?”
They all three nodded. The rest of the night Ray and I listened to all of My Chemical Romance’s CDs and he helped me write new parts for me.
Frank's POV
I don't know why but I expected Gerard to go back to his old self. I'd been an official member of MCR for two weeks and performing for one and he still hadn't even TRIED to quit drinking. In fact, it's gotten worse.
He goes up and performs every day drunk out of his fucking mind and then he literally collapses until about an hour before our show the next day. What is that hour used for? Drinking, of course.
Matt isn't helping. Not only do I not like him because he's just plain crazy, I don't like him because he parades around drunk and high while me, Mikey, and Ray are trying to slowly coax Gerard back to the land of the sober, as Ray calls it.
Gerard gets worse each time. Last night we had to cancel our show to take him to the hospital because he wouldn't wake up.
He won't admit he has a problem, unlike last time when he admitted he had a problem and put everything he had towards getting clean. Now he just gets angry, stalks off, and refuses to talk to anyone. That's when he isn't unconscious of course.
I can't help but wonder what's going to happen when he gets so drunk even the paramedics can't wake him up...
Frank POV
Two Days Later...
It was wrong, what I was doing, but I really had no other choice. It's late and while Matt and Gerard are out getting drunk, me, Brian, Mikey, and Ray are having a meeting.
"Guys, I know this is hard but I've talked to Gerard about it before. Several times. He WANTS to be drunk. There's nothing else to it." Brian said.
Mikey was sitting at the table, looking down miserably at the floor. Ray was looking out the window and I was looking at Brian.
"The shows were going downhill before you joined, Frank. You've really brought them up."
"For every ten steps Frank takes up, Gerard and Matt take ten down." Ray snapped.
"Gerard isn't the one messing up, Ray! Matt is! If Matt wasn't here Gerard would be able to get better!" Mikey spat, looking up.
"What has Matt got to do with Gerard being drunk?" Brian asked.
"I don't know, it just... does. I mean Gerard and Matt go get drunk together. Matt was a drunk before he even met Gerard. He's screwing up our shows; he's screwing up our lives, he screwing up everything that we worked so hard to build." Mikey sighed and went back to looking down at the floor.
A awkward silence filled the room. I knew Mikey was right and apparently everyone else did too.
"So..." Brian said, breaking the silence. "What do we do about this? Revenge is selling out, guys. Your tour is selling out too. We can't have Gerard and Matt acting like this."
"Then we get rid of Matt." Ray said. "But if Gerard leaves, I leave."
Gee's POV
I had just woken up and gone to the bathroom when I noticed Frank staring outside, a sad and far away look on his face.
I instantly wondered over and, getting closer, I noticed unshed tears in his green eyes. "Frankie, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, Gee." he sniffed, breaking my heart.
"Frank, tell me."
"You won't remember it in the morning anyway." he said cruelly.
"Of course I will." I sat by him on the couch and pulled him close, only to have him wriggle away.
"Go ask Mikey or Ray what's wrong, Gerard."
I sighed and stood, then marched to Mikey's bunk. "Mikey, what's going on?"
"Last night when you and Matt were gone we had a meeting, Gerard."
"About what?"
"Your problem."
"I don't have a damn problem!"
"Yes, you fucking do! Do you want to know what we decided or not?"
"You're kicking me out?!"
"No! Just listen. We've decided to let Matt go."
"WHAT?!"
"When we leave for Japan Bob Bryar--remember him? -- is going to fill in. He's the Used's sound guy."
"The Used--?"
Mikey sighed.
"But what did Otter do?!"
Mikey got out of his bunk and stormed down the "hall" of our bus, yanking me behind him. He then put a video put a video in our VCR and one of our shows began to play. Matt's playing was completely off. I was stumbling around and yelling like a drunken idiot, and everyone else was trying as hard as they could to save the show.
"Last night, Gerard. This is what My Chem has turned into." Mikey said, and then left me alone. I watched the tape several times, not even aware I was no longer alone.
Brian sat next to me.
"I've got a problem, haven't I?" I asked in a hoarse voice.
"Mhmm." he nodded and turned the tape off, then trashed it.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.
"You can get help though."
"And Otter... really has to go?"
Brian nodded. "If you had been sober you'd see why."
I sighed again.
Brian stood. "The new manager is here. He's a good guy, Gerard. He'll help take care of things but I'm only a phone call away if you need me."
I nodded. "Bye, Brian."
"Bye, Gerard."
Gerard's POV
I don't know why I just can't fucking quit. I say I'll try but I never do. Try, I mean. It's tearing Frankie up inside and I can tell it, but I want to be like this. I don't feel right without the drugs and the alcohol. I don't feel anything but pain. It's worse than it used to be and I'm just trying to block it out but it’s making everyone hate me. Or in Frank's case, want to leave me. He hasn't said it but he does. Every time I see him he looks sad at first, and then puts on a smile when he notices me.
So should I give up myself for them to be happy? For what?
But if I don't I'm going to lose them. I've already lost Otter. Well, tomorrow I will at the airport.
I think I've made up my mind. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself. Frank'll find love, Mikey will be okay. He's better off without me anyway. I'll do it soon.
Yeah, soon.
Frank's POV
Gerard stumbled off of the plane, holding onto Ray for support. He hadn't had one drink all morning and the withdrawal was taking toll on his body.
I went over to Gerard and took him from Ray. I saw tears in his eyes and knew they were because he was never going to see Matt again. He pulled away from me and hugged Matt, muttering a goodbye.
Matt left and me and Ray exchanged glances. Gerard came back over to me and I slid my arm around his waist.
"Let's get home, guys." Ray said. Mikey lived with his girlfriend Jeanna while Gerard had lived with Ray, which is where I would be going.
We said bye to Mikey, who ran to meet Jeanna at the entrance of the airport. Gerard's eyes were still filled with tears when we got in the car. Once we'd been driving they had began to fall.
I knew something was wrong, so I asked him what it was.
"Nothing." he whispered, laying his head on the window. He was shaking and sweating. I grasped his hand and squeezed. "I love you." Then he began to cry.
Ray looked back from the driver's seat at us and I shrugged, pulling my boyfriend close. He was muttering quickly but I couldn't understand a word of it. I think he was praying.
We pulled into their apartment and Gerard instantly ran and locked himself in the bathroom. Ray had a confused look on his face and I sighed, deciding to leave Gerard alone.
Gerard's POV
Late that night...
I didn't come out of the bathroom until like three in the morning and everyone else was asleep.
I'm not gonna make it through tonight, I thought to myself wiping sweat from my forehead, then vomit from my mouth. I curled in my bed, hurting everywhere. Not only physically, but emotionally. I reached for my bottle of Xanax and popped three, hoping to ease the pain. Eventually there was darkness and I just knew I was dying...
Frank's POV
The next morning I went into Gerard's room to find him sleeping, a open Xanax bottle next to him. I checked to make sure he was actually sleeping and when I heard his breath, I took the Xanax pills and flushed them down the toilet. Then I began raiding his room for drugs, pills, alcohol, and even glass so he wouldn't resort to cutting himself again. If he wasn't going to make this easy for him to stop, I wasn't going to make it easy for him to continue.
He rolled over in his sleep as I left the room, everything I could find that he could use to harm himself in my arms. Ray helped me dispose of the drugs, pills, and alcohol and locked the glass in a cabinet with all of the knives.
"He's going to be so pissed when he wakes up, you know." Ray told me.
"At least he's waking up." I muttered, going back to Gerard's room. I slid down by him and he curled into me, smiling. I lay there with him for several hours before he showed signs of waking up. But, as I had told Ray, at least he was waking up.
Gerard's POV
I woke up in Frank's arms and smiled, forgetting everything that had gone wrong.
"Good afternoon." Frank whispered.
"Hi." I sat up and looked around. I noticed immediately that anything alcoholic was gone... and my Wellbutrin... and my Xanax.... and my cocaine... "Frank..."
"I'm sorry." Frank whispered. "I had to help you and this is the only way I could think to."
"Where'd you put it all?" I shouted.
"It's gone! All of it!"
I ran to my drawers and moved stuff aside. My spare Xanax gone. My beer gone.
"It's all gone, Gerard!" Frank shouted. "I'm helping you, whether you want it or not!"
"Where the fuck is it, you fucking idiot?" I shouted, not realizing I was talking to Frank.
Shock registered on his face, and then his eyes narrowed. "You aren't Gerard, Gerard. You're just... some drunk. I'm helping you. How do you think I feel dating someone who calls me a 'fucking idiot'? It sucks!"
"Then leave me and give me back my fucking pills!"
"No! I'm not leaving you! I love you too fucking much! Baby, you helped me through so much. Let me help you. We can do this."
"No we fucking can't."
"It's August 11th, Gerard. As long as I'm living you'll never have another drink or another hit." Frank promised.
"You're fucking stupid!" I continued to shout. I sank to my floor and began to cry. How could I do this? I can't even last a day?
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Frank asked quietly.
I shook my head slowly, sobbing. "Don't leave me, Frankie. I can't do it without you."