It's Complicated

“I don’t want you.”

Although those hadn’t been the exact words out of Harry’s mouth, they were close enough, and that message was the only thing Maria got out of the encounter. She felt her stomach sink and grumble as her dinner threatened to make a reappearance.

How could he do that to her? How could he say that he’d love her forever, just to take that promise back when she tried to voice how she felt about the situation? It just went to show that every doubt she had about him throughout their relationship, especially since she discovered she was pregnant, was right. Harry wasn’t a suitable life partner for her, and it was better she learned that now than later down the road, after marriage and (more) children happened.

“You don’t want me here?” Blood flooded into her face as she stormed into the bedroom they shared, slamming the door against the opposite wall. “Fine. Then I won’t fucking stay. And you’re going to be so fucking sorry when I get rid of this baby and end up keeping the body I have now. Good luck finding someone like me.”

Harry let out an irritated, condescending huff of a laugh as he charged in after her. “This isn’t about your body, Maria! I told you, there are a million things about you that I love that have nothing to do with your external appearance. But if you’re willing to turn your back on our relationship and on me by killing that baby, then I’m not going to be able to overlook that.”

She stayed quiet for a moment as she tore open one of her drawers and emptied the contents into the duffel bag in her hands. “Then you never really loved me in the first place.”

“That’s not true, and you know that.”

Maria didn’t give him the satisfaction of an answer as she finished packing her stuff. The bag was heavy, but she didn’t dare stumble or show any kind of weakness as she headed for the door.

But before she could escape into the hallway, Harry grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. “You know,” he whispered, sounding more sincere than she’d ever heard in her life, “I really didn’t want you to choose the abortion. I want you to know that I’ll always care about you, and it hurts me how little self-esteem you have, as well as how little confidence you have in me.”

Maria started to feel her heart race. If there was one thing she did well, it was hiding how she felt on the inside, especially how she’d truly been feeling when she found out she was pregnant. If she had so many moments of real, true insecurity when she was thin, then how was it possible she could love herself when she had baby weight pouring off her sides?

Instead of addressing the problem, as Maria always did, she turned around and slammed the door behind her, deciding immediately that she needed to seek solace at Jess’ house.

As she walked, she struggled not to break down. Fucking pregnancy hormones, making her way more emotional than she’d ever been in her life. It was frustrating, and she couldn’t wait until the whole process stopped the next day, when she was getting the baby taken out of her for good.

Through Maria’s early teenage years, she pretended she didn’t care about image. That she felt just as beautiful in her oversized videogame pun t-shirts and baggy jeans as any girl in a slim dress and heels. That her ponytail was a form of rebellion against the people who spent hours making sure their hair fell just right around their face.

And then, when she was fifteen, she made out with Joey Traynor in his basement. Once he took off her shirt and threw it to the floor, he ran his hands all the way down her sides, from under her armpits to her hips, his eyes fixated on the way her bra made her boobs look perfect, and he commented on how flawless she was. “It’s sad that you never show it, though,” he’d told her. “You could be more gorgeous than any supermodel if you just put in effort.”

So she did. She turned into those girls she hated, that worked out every day of the week to tone their already perfect bodies, spent almost a half hour in the morning putting on makeup that was supposed to look “natural”, and were totally consumed by what outfits they were going to wear. The kids at school had been floored by her overnight transformation, and soon enough, the date offers were rolling in like dinner orders in a trendy restaurant.

But underneath it all, she’d always felt like she was lying. She knew she was pretty, but she felt like no one knew her real beauty. Only Joey Traynor had ever looked at her when she dressed the way that made her most comfortable, and everyone else fell into step after she started accentuating certain parts of her anatomy that made high school boys drool.

Even Harry had rejected her. Granted, that was mostly because of their age difference, which seemed fairly significant when she was twelve, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t been stung by it. And when they’d hooked up at Jess’ wedding, the thought crossed her mind more than once that she’d spent years telling herself she’d been too good for Harry. But in the end, she was wrong. She wasn’t too good for anybody.

As Maria walked up the front steps to Jess’ mansion-like home she bought with Louis right before they got married, a single tear fell from her eye. Horrified, she lifted up a hand and swiped it away, immediately pretending that the moment of weakness hadn’t occurred.

She slammed her hand against the door a couple of times, pretending her knuckles didn’t hurt when they connected with the ice-cold material. And a minute later, Jess appeared.

“Maria?” she breathed in shock, her eyebrows pulling together over her gorgeous eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Jess, can we talk?” she shot back, making sure her voice didn’t have a speck of emotion in it.

Jess’ gaze drifted to the bag hung over Maria’s shoulder before she nodded. “Of course. Do you need to stay?”

“Just for a little while.” Maria wasn’t one to beat around the bush, and she knew Jess would be willing to take her in, no matter what. Jess, unlike Maria, had a good heart, and she always put others before herself.

The older sister nodded and stepped out of the way to admit Maria into the home. It was nice and cool inside, and Maria struggled not to feel the pain that was threatening to stab her chest as she took in the homey atmosphere of the place. It was clear that so much love existed there, so much care and beautiful emotions, and it killed Maria to have to ruin it.

“Let’s go to the guest room,” Jess started, noticing her sister’s discomfort. “We can talk there, okay?”

“Okay.”

They had made it about halfway up the winding staircase when Louis appeared at the bottom. “Hey, Jess! Who was it?”

Maria, who had gone a little further up the stairs than Jess, poked her head out so Louis could see her. “Hi, Lou.”

Louis’ light eyes widened a little. “Oh, God. Another fight?”

Maria fought with herself to keep from cursing him out while Jess answered, “We’re going to go talk. You can finish the movie without me, if you want.”

The man nodded before disappearing back into the living room while the two women finished up the stairs and hid away in the guest room.

Maria, as much as she hated to admit it, had always loved the guest room. It was painted a calm, soothing pale mint green color, with all the furniture made of white-washed wood. The curtains were pulled out of the way, a kind of transparent, open color that let the sunshine wash over the room and illuminate the comfortable getaway space.

As Maria threw her bag onto the floor, Jess settled onto the bed, sitting Indian-style and watching her younger sister carefully. “Maria, baby, what happened?”

Maria looked over at her sister. She was married, glowing from pregnancy, and Maria wasn’t sure she wanted to upset her. But after debating what would make her more upset, lying or telling the truth, Maria let out a sigh and admitted everything. From the second she found out she was pregnant to the final fight that led her to Jess’ door. Every last detail was relayed, even though the two girls were sitting there for hours, just like they used to do when Maria needed advice in her later teen years. Jess had always been there for her, more than anyone else, and it almost gave Maria a warm, accepted feeling before she pushed it away.

And Jess got teary, but she never let the emotion control her. She watched with care, with love in her eyes, and when Maria finished, she pulled her younger sister close and ran her fingers down her long, dark hair.

“It’s okay, Maria. You did the right thing by making your own choice about the baby. If you’re not ready for the commitment of raising a child, then you shouldn’t have to.”

Maria was afraid her voice would crack, so she didn’t answer. She just laid against her sister’s chest while Jess spoke words of sweet encouragement and made soothing gestures.

In a way, that helped solidify Maria’s decision that she couldn’t be a mother. Jess was so ready to care for anyone at a second’s notice with her gentle disposition, but Maria never would have done that. She wouldn’t have been able to pull someone against her chest, let him hear her steady, strong heartbeat, rubbed small circles on his back, whispered to him that everything would be perfectly okay.

Because maybe it wouldn’t be. But in that moment, she felt that maybe, possibly, it could work out for the best.