Perfect Symmetry

There were days when Pittsburgh seemed like the natural place to be for me. I got up, went to the Penguins practice, let them get ready for the game afterwards, and then either went to the game or watched it, took notes, and then went to bed. It was a solid routine and I was used to it.

Other days, I thought about Pat and Hailey and Brent and even Jonathan and I wondered what the hell I was doing here when I had left all sorts of unfinished business in Chicago. The phone call with Jonathan resonated with me for a long time and all the progress I had made was cut in half.

To top it all off, it was becoming more and more difficult to get a hold of Hailey, who was getting busier and more wrapped up in her own life. I retreated into myself a bit, and started watching a lot more TV at home by myself.

When I was informed that the Penguins were going on a roadtrip and I would be going with them, I was a little shell shocked. To be totally honest, I had this idea that Jonathan would come to Pittsburgh to win me back once he knew I was here. That, of course, was never going to happen, and our last phone call solidified our lack of relationship. I tried calling Hailey to talk about it multiple times but all I got were voicemails.

Thankfully it was a relatively short roadie; we would stop in Raleigh and the New York City, making it an All-Staal road trip. I knew the media would be all over that. There were early signs of spring in the air just like Phil the groundhog had predicted, so I hesitantly packed a swimsuit so I could soak in the jacuzzi when the boys were taking their pre-game nap.

It was an early departure on Friday morning so that the boys could get in some practice and have a day to relax before the game on Saturday. That meant I was up at five in the morning making sure I had everything ready before driving myself to the airport. I was a little worried I would fall asleep at the wheel, so I blasted some Black Keys to get me into the beat and before long I was singing along and attempting to sip coffee out of my flask before promptly spilling a large mouthful of it all over my white colored shirt. I swore angrily as I pulled into the airport back lot.

I got out of the car and grimaced at the state of my shirt. I tried to rub it out but that only seemed to make it even worse and I was groaning when a teasing laugh reached my ears.

Jordan Staal had parked his chickmobile right next to my car and had a duffel bag slung over his back. I ignored him and walked over to the car boot and pulled out my own duffel.

“Nice shirt. Is that coffee couture?” Jordan looked awfully proud of that joke.

I rolled my eyes. “No, it’s a Logan Couture.” I spun around so he could see the teal letters on the back of my Sharks shirt.

His smile faded. “Whoa whoa you definitely can’t wear that on a road trip. Thank god you barfed all over it or whatever.”

I frowned. “I didn’t barf on anything you moron,” I growled irritably. ]

I went to open my duffel and grab a new shirt when I suddenly remembered where all my shirt were. I had layered the bottom of the bag with all my t-shirts to make things more compact, which meant that if I wanted to reach any of my shirts I was going to have to unpack at least a portion of all of my stuff. I groaned in frustration.

“Who did I have to pack all the shirts at the bottom?” I whined childishly, kicking the tarmac.

Jordan snorted. “Yeah seriously that’s so stupid.”

I shot him a cold glare. “Actually I do know why; I was trying to fit the most things in an organized manner. Oh, why am I so smart and such a brilliant packer!”

Jordan unzipped his bag and stuck is tongue out as his large hand fished around his bag for a few minutes. It took less than a minute for him to pull out a grey Penguins shirt and toss it at me.

“Here ya go. I packed like a tornado but hey I guess the odds were in my favor,” he winked. “Put it on. No one wants your Sharks paraphernalia here.”

I took the shirt begrudgingly and breathed a sigh of relief when I didn’t see his name on the back or anything. I gave him a gratified smile.

“Okay, thanks Jordan. I’m just going to change into it now,” I explained, waiting for him to leave.

He didn’t move, he just crossed his arms and gave me a rather challenging look that infuriated me.

“Jordan. I am going to take off my shirt and I do not want you to see. Could you at least turn around?” I asked sarcastically.

Slowly and deliberately, Jordan turned on the spot and stood in the same position, arms crossed. I nervously yanked off the stained shirt and forced the new one Jordan had given me over my head, messing up my straightened hair. It was massive on me, looking more like a tunic than a top, but I tucked it in slightly at the front and then shrugged. It was only for the flight after all.

“All clear?” Jordan called out.

“Yep,” I answered coolly. “Now, let’s go.”

We fell into step together and headed towards the crowd of athletes that was gathered next to the Penguins’ plane.

“Morning Jazz. And Gronk,” Malkin greeted us cheerfully.

“Morning Geno!” Jordan leapt over and put Evgeni in a quick headlock before letting go and bounding over to where James Neal was standing with Matt Niskanen.

I smiled at Malkin and noticed Marc-Andre walking over to us and waved brightly.

“Hi!” I cried out cheerfully.

Fleury looked less than impressed. “Shh, Jazz. It’s early and clearly you have had coffee. I have not.”

I gave Sidney a goofy, surprised look and he shook his head with a small smile.

“Flower’s not so good in the mornings,” he explained even though it wasn’t really necessary anymore.

“Yeah he’s a bit of a grumpy puss,” Jordan yelled from the opposite side of the group, laughing as Fleury sent him a glowering look.

The rest of the team joined in on teasing an already peeved goalie, but Sidney came to stand next to me instead.

“Nice shirt,” he raised his eyebrows in question.

“Ah yes. I gracefully spilled coffee all over my shirt this morning so Jordan graciously gave me one to wear. All of mine were squished at the very, very bottom of my bag and there was no way I was going to dig around to find one,” I told him dramatically. “And so far, that has been my morning. How has yours gone so far?”

“Okay. I really just want to go back to sleep,” he admitted.

“Mhmm, this is a bit too early for me too,” I agreed, taking out my camera from my small purse and snapping a few pictures of the boys larking about in the cold air before getting on the plane.

“Yeah but the difference is you get to take a nap at the hotel and we have to go to practice when we land,” Sid reminded me with a quiet smile.

“You get paid about a million times the amount I do, thanks very much,” I joked. “Now let’s get on the plane, it’s cold out here.”
~

Raleigh was warmer than Pittsburgh, but not by much. There were still old chunks of snow leftover on the sidewalks, although most of it had thawed out. There was still a biting edge to the wind that had me grasping for my gloves and hat. The flight was short, and most of us were asleep for all of it. A couple people were playing video games, but even they were pretty quiet. The hotel was beautiful, and I got a whole room to myself, with a queen sized bed and a gorgeous en-suite. The window was almost floor to ceiling and looked out over the city.

I immediately settled in for a sleep, and ended up napping through lunch and waking up around three in the afternoon. I got up and wandered around the hotel for a bit before my phone buzzed and Sid had told me that a few of the guys were heading out for dinner and I could join them if I wanted to. I gladly accepted and met them outside the hotel just before six.

It was amazing how easy it was to get into the hip restaurants when an entire squad of good-looking athletes accompanied me. None of the hostesses spared us a second glance before bumping the group of us toe the top of the list. We went to a trendy Asian fusion place but no one really liked it so our visit was short. We stopped for tacos at a truck downtown and those were pretty fantastic.

James Neal was itching to go clubbing, but that was strictly off-limits the night before a game, but Jordan promised they would make time for it after the game. I held off the temptation to roll my eyes and instead turned my gaze to the busy downtown streets on a Friday night. It was a clear night, and the stars were in full view. Once we got to our floor we parted ways and after a quick shower I was in bed, because I was hoping to cover morning skate tomorrow.

I didn’t cover morning skate the next day, because I promptly slept through it like an idiot. I wondered if I had a sleep problem, since I apparently I couldn’t get enough of it. Since I had missed morning skate and knew that each player had his own personal routine, I kind of did my own thing for most of Saturday, grabbing a bagel from the shop across the street before walking around to find a good smelling coffee shop and sampling it.

For lunch I grabbed a sandwich from a local deli and ate it in next to the window, watching a family fly kites in the cool air, both of the kids bundled up particularly well. The sandwich was pretty mediocre, though, so I left pretty quickly and headed back to the hotel to get some work done. I finished my write up and colorful description of some of the Penguins’ practices I had attended and sent it off to Jack, who had requested the occasional update from me. I could have eaten lunch with the rest of the team but I decided to give them some pre-game space. I assumed they each had their own special routines. I had heard rumours of Sid’s obsessive superstitions running up to a game and I really didn’t want to get in the way of all that.

I watched the game from the press box, and while it was extremely advantageous as an analyst to see what plays worked and failed, it was hard to write about the emotions felt by the crowd and the team while I was so isolated from all of it. The Penguins won 4-2 anyway, so I figured the players would be willing to discuss the win. I would probably focus on Jordan, since I was going for the whole Staal brothers angle. I thought about doing an entire portion dedicated to the brothers, seeing as they were a natural fan favourite.

I took my own cab back to the hotel. We would be heading off to New York the next morning and I knew the boys would do what they wanted tonight, whether it was going out or going to bed. I wondered if anyone had managed to convince Nealer to save his party fever for New York City, where the nightlife was significantly more impressive than in Raleigh.

It was eleven o’clock and I was neither hungry or tired, no matter how hard I tried to fall asleep. I eventually decided to go have a quick soak in the jacuzzi outside, so I pulled on my desperately un-sexy one piece bathing suit and grabbed an oversized t-shirt to wear on top before taking the elevator out to the deserted pool and spa. I smiled. The entire hot tub to myself; perfect.

I got the jets going and then immersed my entire body in the heat, letting my hair slide out of its bun and become slick with foam and water. I let out an involuntary half sigh, half moan as my body tingled. I relaxed and laid my head back and closed my eyes, loving the feel of the cool night air pressed up against the steamy waves crashing over me.

Thoughts of Chicago, Jonathan, Hailey, Pat...they all came floating to the front of my brain as I stopped actively suppressing them and I felt my body tense up all over again. But perhaps it was a sixth sense, because a few seconds later, I heard footsteps behind me and I jumped, craning my neck to see who it was.

“I didn’t think anyone else would want to sit in a jacuzzi at this hour,” a deep voice chuckled, dropping his towel on a chair and stepping into the hot tub casually.

“Oh! Hey Sid,” I coughed nervously, sinking further into the pool to hide my stupid swimsuit and my stupider body.

He seemed to notice my discomfort, since his smile slipped away and his usual seriously concerned face reappeared.

“I’m sorry, am I intruding? I’m so sorry,” he apologized profusely.

I shook my head. “No! I mean, it’s fine...I just wasn’t expecting anyone else. Just like you. I thought you would all be out celebrating. Or sleeping.”

Sidney shrugged, his muscles rippling into the water as he enjoyed the feeling of the hot jets spraying his legs.

“I wasn’t in the partying mood, but I’m too riled up for bed. Are you doing okay? Why couldn’t you sleep” he asked keenly.

“Just a lot of thoughts running around in my head,” I replied vaguely, turning my gaze away from his and trying to get the foamy bubbles to hide my body.

“Chicago?” Sid guessed acutely. “I got the impression you sort of left some loose ends. Do you want to talk about it?”

I sniffed and was torn about what to do. Because the truth was, I really did want to talk about it. However, there was a really big part of me that didn’t want to burden anybody else with my problems, and I was very self-conscious as coming off as too needy.

“It’s okay,” I hedged, pinching my stomach underneath the water.

Sidney’s brown eyes were soft but his mouth was pressed into a hard line on his face, and he tilted his head towards me intuitively.

“I don’t know you very well, Jazz, but I can tell you need to work through some things. I totally get why you wouldn’t want to talk to me. Have you talked to Hailey recently?” He meant it to be a friendly question, but it ended up being the final punch at my dam.

Tears pricked at my eyes as I shook my head vehemently.

“I...I don’t know we just live such separate lives now...and she’s got Brent and her baby’s going to be born. I’m not going to be there for her when she has that baby. I think about that a lot. I mean, was this entire move to Pittsburgh just a giant mistake? I mean I basically gave up my entire life and I’m just so fed up,” I babbled, standing up and getting out of the jacuzzi, which suddenly felt too hot and suffocating for me to continue to stew in.

I don’t know why I was surprised when Sidney followed me, but I was. He watched as I swaddled myself with a towel and he did the same.

“You haven’t made a huge mistake. At least, I don’t think so. It was a career opportunity, right? You didn’t give up an entire life,” Sidney announced defiantly as we both took a seat on a wooden bench a few feet away from the pool. Our wet bodies stained the wood immediately and I watched as the water seeped and spread into the wood.

The tears slipped down my cheeks.

“I suppose you’re right. I didn’t lose all of my life, but I lost a large chapter of it,” I managed to hiccup in between repressing my sobs.

Sid’s arm tentatively made its way around my shoulders.

“Are you talking about Jonathan?” he asked quietly.

I nodded tearily. “He...he asked me to marry him in January you know. God, why did he have to do that? It was so confusing; I’m not ready to m-marry anyone. I told him that, and he...he...ended it. I don’t understand how he could give up so f-f-fast. I really loved him. Maybe he didn’t love me as much,” I mused rather pathetically.

Sidney’s grip on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly but he said nothing, simply letting me get it all out as I just kept babbling.

“And I talked to him a few days ago and he...h-he yelled at me. He accused me of sleeping with you,” I added dryly.

Sidney responded to that but, his eyes widened and his jaw clenched slightly.

“Uh-he knows that’s not true, right? I don’t want him to think I swooped in as soon as you got here,” he asked worriedly.

I wiped my eyes briefly. “That’s not the point though. Patrick’s told me about all the girls he’s been with. It’s all just a huge fucking double standard with him. I...I don’t see how he can be so lovely one month and then a total misogynistic asshat the next month. I haven’t been with anyone since Jon. I feel like shit almost all the time, Sid. And I hate it.”

Sidney sighed, pulling me in for a weird side hug. It didn’t matter that I was crying all over this guy that I wasn’t even that close too. It didn’t matter that we were both still damp and the embrace was a little bit sticky and strange. It didn’t register that we were both half naked and were rather close to each other.

“I think it’s time for you to get to bed,” Sidney spoke up after about half an hour.

I had stopped crying and we were both mostly dry now. I had been leaning on the bench with Sid’s arm around me, just thinking about my situation and feeling a bit shitty about it.

I snapped out of my reverie once he spoke up.

“Hey I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you,” I grasped his arm as we made our way to the doors back into the hotel.

He offered me a very sweet smile. “Don’t ever apologize for talking about things that are really important, Jazz. I’m glad I could help. I’ve noticed your gloominess over the past couple weeks.”

“I’m glad someone did,” I mused. “I don’t think people know me well enough yet.”

“I’d like to,” Sid replied bashfully.

I nodded. “Okay, you keep me from falling apart for the next few months and I promise you we’ll know each other too well by the end of this.”