I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

About ten minutes after Alan left, the great mood he had put me in had completely vanished, replaced by my sullen state of before. 
I hated how I could only feel happy when I was with him. That didn't seem natural to me. Actually, I thought back to when I had been married to Gielle, and remembered that she had made me feel the same way- at first. Up until about a month after we had gotten married, she was my light. She was the sunshine in the middle of my hurricane, the warm fire to my snowstorm. She was my home, my protection, my rock, and my life support. I woke up every morning just for her, got through each day just for her. Everything was so much easier knowing that my day would end in me seeing her. I completely LIVED for her. Nothing in my eyes could compare to her, she had been the most beautiful, heavenly, perfect human being I had ever laid eyes on. 

Until I found out that she had been cheating on me. 

From that point on, she became less and less attractive in looks and personality minute by minute, second by second. 
I couldn't stand the thought of her now.  She hurt me in a way that no other person had or ever could. The thought of her made me want to throw up, not just from my hatred for her, but also because for almost a year after that, I had missed the way we had been with everything in me, and it made me sick how I could have still missed that after what she did. 

But now I had Alan. 
Well, I didn't have him, but I had moved on from that- 
Nope. I'm not wasting my time thinking about her.
I had Alan I could put my heart and soul into the thought of now. 
It just sucked because I wasn't even with Alan half the time now.

I also hated the mood I have been in for about a week now. No matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't feel happy. I just wanted to sleep all the time and do nothing. I didn't want to go outside, I didn't want to go to the store, I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay home and sit in the dark all day. My curtains have been pulled shut for a solid three days, and my front door was locked. 
I just didn't feel good. 
I didn't feel right. 

I don't know why everything was getting to me lately, but boy, was it. Even while Alan was here I didn't feel normal. He made me feel a bit better but the rock in my stomach remained, and I was tired the whole time. 

Honestly, I felt like I could cry right now and I wasn't even absolutely sure why. 
And the unsettled feeling in my stomach was really starting to bother me. Whenever I thought about Alan my stomach did flips, but it wasn't like that "i just saw my highschool crush" kind of thing. This was different, and it didn't seem healthy. It made me feel like my heart was fluttering, beating a hundred times a second. I knew I had to get this checked out due to the condition of my heart. 
I'd call my doctor later, I was pretty sure I was going to a check-up soon, I could have them check it out then. Yeah, this weekend. Sunday. I had totally forgot until now, but I was glad it was close so I didn't have to worry about my heart for very long. 

But right now, I couldn't even bear the thought of the weekend, staying home and doing more 'nothing'. It wasn't going to help me feel better by staying cooped up all day all night. And that's exactly what I've been doing. So I wanted to get out this weekend- no, I didn't WANT to get out, but I figured it'd be for the best. I remembered seeing a commercial the other day when Alan was over. It was for a hotel about an hour away from here, and inside of it there was a water park. Alan had gotten excited seeing it, and I could tell he definitely wanted to go. 

I made up my mind, and texted him saying I was taking him somewhere this weekend but that it was a surprise. I knew he couldn't stand having surprises, which only made it more amusing. 

&

While Alan was finally walking out of the bedroom I had told him to stay in, I was bouncing excitedly on the balls of my feet, the front door's knob in my hand. I had made him stay in my bedroom so he wouldn't see the things I was carrying down to my truck. It would ruin the surprise and I didn't want that. As far as I knew, he was completely in the dark on where we were going today. 

"Come on, come on!" I hustled him out into the hall so I could lock up my apartment. 
"You need to close your eyes when we get to the door." 
He sighed, rolling his eyes. 

"Why can't you just tell me where you're taking me, so I don't fall on my face." He glared at me when we reached the entrance to the building. 

"Because, it's a surprise, Alan. I can't tell you or it won't even be a surprise anymore." I frowned at him, seeing that his eyes were still open. I told him to close them. 
It didn't look like he was going to so I took matter into my own hands- literally. I held my hands over his eyes, blocking his vision as I lead him to the car and continued to shield his eyes until he was buckled. 

"Now, you're not allowed to turn around or look in the mirrors. 'Kay?" 
I didn't want him to see all the things I had packed because it would be a sure give away as to what we were doing. 

The ride there was spent between Alan complaining about not being able to look around or not knowing where he was going and talking about their music they were working on at the moment. 

"SHIT, CLOSE YOUR EYES!" I yelled, seeing the highway signs ahead. There was an exit right off where we were going so he couldn't be allowed to see it. 

"What, why do-" I cut him off when I growled. 
"Close your eyes or I will do it for you." 

He closed his eyes quickly, his cheeks tainted red. I laughed at him, and pulled off on our exit and soon into the hotel parking lot. 

"Keep them closed..." I told him before going around to open his door for him. I took his hand, helping him out of the seat. 
His hands were warm, and so small compared to mine. And I wanted nothing more than to lace our fingers together. I smiled sadly as he let go of mine, but rested my hand on his shoulder to lead him inside. 

Once we were to the sign-in booth I told the lady our names in a low whisper so she would know I was surprising him, and she thankfully replied in the same tone, handing me our room key. 

Alan was definitely getting impatient now, if he wasn't before, so I walked down the hall to my left first thing and stopped at the door to the water park. 

"Okay... You can look now." I lifted my hands from his eyes and he blinked a few times before focusing. 

"Hey... Is... Is this that hotel?!" I grinned when he turned to me, his eyes huge and a giant grin on his face. I nodded quickly and he looked back through the door before turning to hug me. 
"No way! Austin you didn't have to bring me here, you didn't have to do this."
I chuckled, knowing he was excited either way, which meant I was excited too. 
"Of course I did! You're my best friend it's my job to do things for you!" I ruffled his hair, getting a glare in return but it didn't stay long. 

"Well what are we waiting for?!" He grabbed my hand, rushing me back to the truck to get our stuff. I stared at his hand the entire time, squeezing it back just as hard as he was. I don't think he even noticed that he grabbed my hand in the first place, but that was definitely okay with me. 

I was right, getting out this weekend was going to be good for me. I already felt a bit better, but I still couldn't get that black cloud out of the back of my mind. My stomach had only done that thing twice today, once when Alan got to my house and the second time when I talked to the lady at the front desk, so I was thinking there must not be anything really wrong with my heart, it probably happens to everyone. I hope. I was completely paranoid about my heart since my surgery, always worrying about it and thinking of the worst case scenarios. 
So where I was having my doubts about there being something wrong with it, I was still impatient about going to the doctors tomorrow just in case. 

We were at my truck now, and Alan was searching for his swim shorts. 
"Al, we need to take all this stuff to the room first." I laughed. 

He turned to face me, his mouth hanging open slightly. 
"Wait, you mean... We're staying?" 

"Well, duh!" I grinned, picking up both of the bags I had packed for us and handing him the food. 
He followed me happily up to our suite. We both set our things down, and he walked around the small space, taking in everything and touching just as much. 
"This is awesome! Thank you, Austin. This is so cool, it's so nice of you." 
He looked just like a little kid, now laying sprawled out on the all-white bed, his eyes wide and bright with a smile plastered on his lips. 

He was so fucking beautiful laying there, he looked like...an angel. His hair was splayed out around his head, seeming to glow against the white comforter. His hips stuck out beneath his shirt, causing an indent between them and his ribs. His arms and legs looked so long making him seem taller than he was. 
And his face. I just wanted to kiss him, kiss him all over and never, ever stop. 
I sighed, bouncing my hands on the front of my legs. 

"You ready?" 
His head turned to me, and he got up from the bed to get his swim trunks. I grabbed my own and went into the bathroom as he unbuttoned his pants. 
Once my own pants were removed, all I could do was stare at my thigh. In the mirror. On my actual thigh. Even though they hadn't bled (with the exception of a few) they had still scabbed over, they just weren't nearly as dark as the ones on my hips. 
Now I had two places to hide. I didn't even think of it when I booked our room at a WATERPARK, where you go swimming half naked. I'd have to wear a shirt again. 

I threw on my shorts and shirt and went out to see if Alan was ready. He was waited on the couch in the small livingroom, his shorts on and towel in hand. He grinned when he saw me, tossing me a towel. 

We made our way down to the entrance, making small talk on our way. 
As soon as I stepped into the water park area the fluttering in my stomach started up again. It felt like every person in the building had their eyes on me, even though I knew no one was looking at me. I wanted to turn around and walk back out, not wanting to be anywhere near the moving bodies splashing and playing all around me. The very thought of being around them right now was almost scaring me. I'm just hoping none of them try to talk to me at the moment. 

"Do you think you can go on these rides, Austin?" 
Alan looked up to me, worry on his face. 
"Um... I might be able to go on that one." I pointed across the place to the lowest water slide. It was dark green and fully enclosed, probably pitch black on the inside. 
"Other than that, I'll probably just stay down here in the pool or something."

"Oh, Austin I'll stay with you, then." 
I shook my head at him, leading him to the slide I had pointed to. 
"I'll go on this for a bit, b-but then I want you to do what you want, go have fun."
He smiled at me as we picked up the tubes you ride down in and ran up the stairs to wait in line. 

This being the smallest (still very tall) and slowest (also, still pretty fast) slide here, there was a pretty short line. To make it seem a little "scarier" the inside was completely black, not a single ray of light entered the round tube. 

"It's our turn, Aus." Alans hand was waving in front of my eyes. I hadn't even realized I was staring into the slide. But the sight of it... Scared me. It felt like I couldn't breathe fast enough and I wanted to turn around and run back down the stairs. 
"Al... I-I can't do it. I can't go down." I whispered, not wanting anyone else to hear. 

"What do you mean? It's just a little slide."
He looked at me like I was crazy, and I probably would too. I don't know what was wrong with me right now, but I did not want to go down that slide. 
"I'm...I'm scared." I swallowed hard. 
He sighed, looking back at the people getting impatient behind us, then back at his tube. 
"Get in with me. You can't go back down once you're up, and you can't just stay up here all day. You get in first because you're practically a tree." He laughed, criticizing my height. 

I shakily got into the tube, gripping the handles on the sides as if my life depended on it. It felt like it did. Alan worked his way into my lap and I wanted to hold him, but my hands were glued to the handles. But then he slid his hands over mine, and it calmed me down a little. 

"I can feel your heart, why are you so scared?"
"I don't know... I just d-don't want to go down."

"Hold on to me, were going, okay?" 
I nodded against his back, pulling my fingers from the bars to wrap my arms tightly around his waist. I closed my eyes as tight as I could, burrying my face in the hair on the back of his head. 
Then we were falling.