I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

'Am I fucking glad that all they did was take blood today. 
I went in yesterday and they showed me my developed x-rays, letting me know that they hadn't found anything in my stomach. 
So what could the problem be if it wasn't in my stomach, when it was my stomach that was bothering me? 
Well, that, and my heart. 

I think it's because of my heart that I'm getting blood drawn; blood starts, and goes through the heart, after all. 
So I was sitting in the leather chair, IV's hooked to the crease of my elbows, feeling the liquid being pulled from my veins. 
It wasn't a very pleasant feeling, but I guess it could be worse. The IV tubes bothered me more, itching beneath my skin. 
But soon they had enough and the chords were being removed from my arms while another nurse was giggling as she opened a band-aid.

"Here you go Austin." She smirked at me, pressing the bandage to my arm. Her tone was overly friendly and the way she was looking at me made me uncomfortable. 
Was she flirting with me by giving me a band-aid? 
Wow.

My normal nurse spoke up. 
"I'm sorry you have to keep coming in, Austin. But with your condition we want to find out if there's anything wrong as soon as possible. We've got the best doctors checking on you, they're also the fastest, so these tests could be done by tomorrow."

"No, no, it's fine. Gotta stay healthy." I half smiled at her. 

"True, so we'll probably see you tomorrow, you're good to go."
I nodded in thanks at her and made my way out to my truck to go home and get ready for Alan to come over. '

It wasn't really a lie when I told Alan I had to go to the studio; I had to bring back our mix cd. 
But that wasn't the only place I was going. 
I had to go back in to the hospital for, one: they tested my blood over night. 
And two: they couldn't find anything there. 
So I was going in for more testing, woo! 
I sighed, waiting for my nurse to come back to tell me what to do. 

I was seriously praying they didn't make me take my clothes off, at least not yet. Then they would know about my...problem. 
I'd be sent to some mental hospital or to get therapy. 
I don't need therapy; it was only twice, and really it's not even that bad. I found myself tracing the rough skin of my thigh beneath my pants and flinched when she stepped through the door. 

"Oka- you all right, there, Austin?" She chuckled but she had a look of worry on her face.

"Me? Oh yeah, I'm great. Are they ready?" 
I flashed a smile. 

"Yup, we're back in the x-rays, but in a different room. We've got to put you through a full body scan. Follow me." 
She grinned, twisting out the door way and down the hall. 

I followed her down the all-too familiar white hall way until we reached the room where they had me lay on the built in bed. 

They didn't cover me with the may this time, just letting the bed slide me back until I was surrounded by the bright lights of the x-ray. 
I could hear the machine scanning my body, a buzzing of electricity running through my ears.
The small area I was in felt like it was closing on me, it felt like the walls and ceiling could just collapse any second, and I could feel my breathing coming harder. I had to get out. 
They better let me out soon. 
Fuck. 
I was getting sick to my stomach when the bed moved back out and I was in the open room again. 

-&- 

"hey Austin, would it be okay if I came over?"
I woke up at eleven to my phone buzzing, letting me know that Alan had texted me. 
Even though we texted a lot, I got butterflies in my stomach every time which also came with a wave of energy. 

I tapped at the screen, letting him know it was fine. 

It was within the next ten minutes that he arrived. 

"Hey. What, did you speed all the way here?" I laughed. 
He didn't seem too happy, giving a small smile. 
"Yeah, actually. I just had to get out."

He walked through door and put his stuff away. 
I stood behind him awkwardly, just watching him move to the living room. 
I ended up sitting next to him on my couch, waiting to see if he would talk. 

"Alan... Is everything okay? You don't seem yourself."
He gave a little chuckle at that. 

"Neither do you," this confused me, I must admit. "but... No. Somethings weird with Katelynn."

She upset him? How dare she? How could she even upset such an amazing person, he was nothing but perfect. 

"What did she do to you?" I sounded a bit more aggressive than I had meant and he gave me weird look for it. 

"Uh...nothing. I meant something just doesn't feel right. I...when I'm near her, the past few days, I just feel kind of annoyed." 

Because she's annoying. 

I put on a sympathetic face, when I actually wanted to smile. 
"That's weird, did you say anything to her?" 

He sighed, dragging his hands down his face before he responded.

"No, not about that. But we got in a fight last night. She's upset I spend so much time with you. And I just didn't feel right, around her this morning. I just had to get out." 

I scoffed, I was ticked. 
"Alan she cannot tell you who you can or can't hang out with. That's your decision, she needs to... To... To just fuck off. That's what she needs to do." 
I gasped, throwing my hands over my mouth. 
I hadn't really meant to say that, at least not out loud. 
Shit. I hope he wouldn't get mad, I needed to apologize, and fast.

"Shit, Alan, I-I d-didn't- I didn't mean to, to say that, I-I'm so-"

"Austin, chill. You're fine. I know what you meant."
I nodded slightly, swallowing hard. He was quiet for a few minutes and it was actually awkward this time.

"Austin?"

"Yeah?"

He looked up at me. 
"Do you like Kaitlyn? Honestly."

It felt like my body was starting to go numb, and I think I might have blushed.
I couldn't tell him what I really thought about her, that would be so mean of me and he'd probably get mad. 

"Of course. She's great."
I smiled. 

"It doesn't seem like you think that, sometimes."

"What do you mean? Why do you think that?"

"Sometimes when- no, always, when she's with us you get all quiet and it just seems like you don't want to be there. It almost seems like you're scared of her sometimes. You just don't seem yourself near her."

He knew. He had me all figured out here, I couldn't lie now. I sighed, curling my knees up to my chin. 

"You're right. Alan... I'm so sorry. I just. I don't feel comfortable around her, I...I don't like her. I don't know why. She's a really sweet girl, but there's just something about her."
I left out the part where I hate her because she took the boy I love away from me. 

"Austin don't feel sorry, I understand. You don't have to like her. You can't like everyone, and honestly...I've been doubting wether I like her or not lately, too." 
He gave a heavy sigh, his fingers picking at each other nervously. 

He didn't like her anymore? Or, he's doubting that he likes her? This was great news to me, but it was probably hurting him. I wanted to jump for joy, run around, throw a party; except he was upset, and that wouldn't be the best way to acknowledge that. 
I cleared my throat, forcing my smile away. 

"You think you don't like her anymore? How come?"

"I don't know there's just something different about her lately. Or maybe it's me, I don't know. I don't feel the same around her anymore. I used to look at her and think she was the most beautiful thing in the whole world, now I get near her and I just feel annoyed. I don't like being around her lately and I just... I don't feel the same. It's like my feelings for her come and go." 

"Well Alan, if you don't like her you shouldn't make her think you do, it's just gonna hurt her..." 

I stared down at my feet, remembering how I had felt with Gielle before I found out she had been cheating on me. I was so happy thinking she loved me just as much as I loved her, but I was just devastated when I found out it had all been a lie. Even if I don't like Kaitlyn, I still would never wish those feelings upon her. I wouldn't want anyone to feel that way. 

"I know, I know, and I feel so terrible. But I just... It's not bad enough to make me want to end it. I still want to be with her, I think. I'm supposed to like her that's why I'm with her I just...I like her, it's just not the same right now." 

"I understand. But maybe it's her, maybe she's done something different lately that's made you change how you see her. Maybe you should try talking to her about it because it really could be nothing."
Please be something. Please be something. 
I was praying for something to happen in my head, and it really upset me that I wanted them to split. Even if they did break up, who says I could have Alan then, anyway? He would never like me like that. So either way this goes I'm still screwed, I guess. 

"Yeah, I guess. I'll talk to her sometime. So how'd it go in the studio? Did you record more?"

Think think think. I had gone to the studio but only for a few minutes. 

"No, I had to bring back that disc I showed you the other day and then they had me listen to the others. Oh wait, yeah I did have to go over a few things, I guess I got the words wrong on one song." I laughed, running my hands through my short hair. I kinda missed my long hair sometimes, but I was thinking about getting a haircut soon. Maybe I'd do it today. 

"Woo, way to go Austin." He laughed. "But really I can't wait to get in and record, I feel like I'm gonna forget all of it before I get to record anything." 

"Haha, you're not gonna forget. You're a great guitar player. I'm actually a bit jealous." I winked at him, grinning. "But you'll be in there soon, and I can't wait. I can't wait for this album to be done and be able to sell it. I can't wait for the fans to hear it. Hell, I don't even care if they buy it I'm just excited for them to hear it." I bounced my legs excitedly, thinking of how great this album could be. 

"Me too, it's gonna be awesome. And thanks." He chuckled. 

We sat there for a few more minutes before I asked him, "Hey Alan, I think I'm gonna get my hair cut. Wanna come with me?" 

"Yeah sure, maybe I'll get mine done too."

-&-

"And there you go, you're done." I closed my eyes as the woman lifted the shawl from around my neck to shake off my hair.
I stepped closer to the mirror to get a better look at my haircut. 
The sides were cut almost down to a shave, and I had gotten about an inch off the top. I tried running my hand through the top to see if it still stuck up, and found that it did. But I kind of liked it down so I slid my hand back over it, giving it a slicked look. 

"I love it, thank you so much." I grinned at the lady who had given me the cut, then sat on the bench in the front of the room to wait for Alan. 
I had no idea what he was doing to his hair but I couldn't wait to see it. 

"Hey, ready to go?" His voice humped me out of my blank stare.
I turned to look at him, and I wouldn't have really recognized him if I hadn't completely memorized his face. 
He had gotten about the same thing done as me only his hair was longer. His hair was shorter on the sides and his longer hair was pushed to the side, spiked just a little. 

"Damn Ashby, you're hot." I giggled. 

"I could say the same to you, except your last name isn't Ashby." We both laughed and I went to pay before we went back to my apartment.  

I had swerved a little bit a couple times, because I literally could not stop staring at Alan. He looked really good with his haircut, he was even hotter than before I must admit. 
Damn. 

His eyes landed on mine in the rear view mirror where I had been glancing at him every few seconds. 

"Checking me out, Austin?" 

I laughed, looking right at him. "Yeah, actually. Look at you. I love this hair style on you, it shows off your facial structure" I reached over to gesture to a part of his hair.

"Austin your gay is showing." He laughed. 
"Shut up." I laughed with him, turning back to the road.