I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

"I just don't want to leave." 
I lifted my blankets higher on my chest, stretching out as far as it seemed to be humanely possible. 
This earned a chuckle from outside the half-opened tent door. 

"We don't have any more food, unless you want me to go shopping. Or you could go while I fix the place up." 

I shuffled out of the blankets to the doorway to properly speak to my best friend. 

"You sound like such a wife right now it's not even funny," I laughed, "But wait, what day is it?" 

He looked up to the sky in thought for a moment before he turned to look at me. 

"I think it's Tuesday, now that I think about it. Why?" 

"Shit! Austin, we gotta be at the studio today! I totally forgot, oh my god..." I rubbed my face in my distress. 
We were supposed to be in at one, and it was at least 11 right now. We were screwed. 

"I forgot too, but calm down, we'll be fine. I'll text the boys and tell them what's going on, they can start without us. It's not like we play their instruments." He laughed. He was laughing, how was he laughing right now? This was important. 

"We need to get in there. We've got only a certain amount of time before we have to be done and release it and we've gotta-" 
"Sh! Eat your pancakes. Calm down. Keep calm and eat breakfast." He shoved a plate at me, a pancake smiley face staring back at me. 

Okay, maybe I could stay here, with my adorable, sweet, amazing- 
Best friend.
 Friend. That's all. I needed to stop, completely knock these thoughts out of my head because really, I was starting to worry myself. 
Especially the other day when I had out of nowhere kissed Austin. I don't know why I did, I don't think I meant to.
 But I kind of wanted to do it again. 
It hadn't really meant anything, just a simple peck on the lips. Friends did that, right? 
Yeah, girls did. But was it odd for boys to? I thought so. Well, unless you were gay, which I am definitely not. And I never would be, either. It's not that I had anything against it, I'm just...not.  
I cleared my throat, grimacing inwardly at the taste of my own mouth. I needed to eat something or brush my teeth, fast, because I cannot even stand myself right now. I settled on my first option, taking the bacon smile from my plate and replacing it inside my own. 
Much better. 

"Thanks, Aus. Jesus you're a good cook, why can't I cook?" 
He chuckled, flipping his own pancake over in the pan. 

"It's just bacon, Alan. There aren't very many ways for bacon to taste it can't be that good. Just as good as any other bacon, I'd say." 

He picked up his own piece, quickly disappearing into his mouth. 

"Not just the bacon, everything. I mean, we're camping, for fuck's sake. How do you make good pancakes when you're camping? That doesn't even seem natural, and when do you even do this? I never hear you get up or start cooking. Your food just appears, it seems like. S'Fuckin crazy." 

He shrugged, grinning. 
"Just how my momma taught me, I guess."

I had to suppress my "awweee" when he spoke of his mother. He always-mostly, anyway-was so happy, so proud to talk about her; she was his best friend throughout most of his life. I couldn't even imagine losing my best friend like that, not to mention my mother, all the same. The mere thought of losing Austin would be enough to make me sick to my stomach. We had really grown close the past couple years. It's like I don't even remember a time where we weren't friends, like we've always known each other our whole lives. He's like my brother in most ways, but seriously, I can't help but think that if I were gay, I'd go for him. 
Of course that would never happen, both of us are straight as a...a straight thing. 

I think. 

The thought kept occurring out of nowhere, I'd be sitting, minding my own business, doing whatever, and he would just pop into my head. And I'd think of how attractive he is, how some of the littlest things he does make me so happy, how much I wanted to just hang out with him forever. And then somewhere, in the back of my mind a little voice that I didn't know wether or not to call my own would speak up, questioning me mentally if I was gay. of course I denied it, but was it starting to get to me? 
Yeah. 
There were certain moments where I really had to think to make sure I was still the way I always had been. But doesn't pretty much everyone go through this? A phase where they think they're into a certain people, or even where they test it out? I'm pretty sure most people do. 
But I'm not "gay" I'm not into the same gender, I'm into SOMEONE of the same gender. Austin's the only male I had ever questioned myself over. 
Honestly, I planned to keep it that way. If I had to be with any boy, it'd be him, for sure. 

I was brought out of my thoughts when he informed me that he was going to go call our manager because his phone was charged enough now. 
Which meant at least a little more time alone with Austin. 
-
After Austin had called to say that him and I would be in later because of our condition we had started our slow process of packing things up. After about half an hour, we had the blankets and pillows, the tent, and the coolers packed away into the back of the truck. 
I had grabbed a bag of chips to bring up front for us to share and the last can of soda we had. 
And this is why were going home. 

"All done up?" I asked, crunching my chips in the passenger seat as Austin climbed Into his. 

"All done up. You ready to go, Princess?" 

"You bet. Chips?" I held the bag out to him in offering. He shook his head, starting the truck. 

"Not hungry." 

"Really? You barely ate any breakfast, are you sure?" 

He nodded, hard to detect between all of the bouncing from the dirt road. 

"I'm sure."

And that was that. 

-&-

"It's about fuckin' time you guys got here!" 
What a wonderful greeting from Tino. I couldn't really blame him, we WERE two hours late. 

"Yeah, yeah, just set me up. I haven't played in a week, give me a bit to warm up."

"All right. Track five first." 
Aaron closed the door to my booth while I tuned my guitar to the right tuning. 

As soon as the strings were low enough to match our music I began playing, just warming up. 

"You good, Ginger? I'm gonna start the recording." Aaron asked me after about ten minutes. 
I nodded, waiting for my microphones to be turned on.  I put my headphones on so I could tell when and what to play, and began strumming. I put everything I had into playing, making sure not to miss a single note so I wouldn't have to redo it. About half way through the song I had gotten really into it, putting all of my concentration, all of my feelings into the patterns I was creating on the frets. In the midst of my steady, light head-banging, I had caught a glimpse of the booth window where Austin stood, his palms pressed to the pane as he watched me, grin on his face. Finding him watching me caused a smile to spread over my lips and warmth to flush to my cheeks. 

Two songs later, as I hit a pause in the strumming, I heard something unfamiliar, yet so, extremely familiar. 
Unfamiliar because I hadn't heard it today before now; familiar because it was Austin. 
He was screaming in the next room over. I didn't even know the words to the song he was recording, it didn't sound familiar to me at all. Maybe I just didn't remember. 
But hearing him right now, I'd figure I'd remember something like this. Even though he was screaming and sounded angry, he also sounded extremely sad. Just listening to him made me feel as though a weight were pushing down on my shoulders, my chest. I felt so heavy. It was a feeling I could recognize as depression. Maybe not actual, clinical depression, just sadness; feeling low, not wanting to do anything but cry. I'd felt that before. Everyone feels that way some times. The words that I could make out were rough, full of emotion and laced with sadness. And, was he crying? I'm pretty sure he was, his voice was cracking in that way it did when he broke down, like in one of my personal favorites out of our songs, The Storm. Hearing him cry and feeling and hearing that raw emotion is what made me love the song so much. 

My whole body jumped, almost throwing myself off the stool I was seated on, when a loud ringing resounded through my headphones. I quickly threw them off, looking to the booth window. 

"What the fuck was that for?!" I flung my hands up. 

"Are you gonna play or what? You've just been sitting there, are you all right?" 

I was? Oh. I was. I had completely stopped playing my guitar; I had been so fixated on listening to Austin in the other room. 

"Uh..yeah, yeah start it up again I'm good." 

-&-

"One shot of whiskey, please." 

"Whiskey? You never drink that, are you sure you're okay?" Austin laughed out. He'd suspected something was wrong earlier, but I had just brushed it off and told him I wanted to go out. Of course, being the best friend ever, he took me. 

"Yeah, I'm good. Just thought I'd switch it up." 

"Switch it up safely, yes?" He looked at me pointedly and I rolled my eyes back at him, retrieving the shot that had been placed before me. 

"Yup." I downed the liquid, smiling at him once it was gone.
-
"Quit it! You're gonna cause trouble, Alan!" Austin pulled me back by my arm, but it only added to my anger. 

"Just let me fucking go! He deserves it!" 

"He didn't do anything Alan. You're-you're making it worse than it is." 

Of course he did something what the fuck. It would be irrational to hit someone if they didn't even do anything. 
Well maybe the rational part of me couldn't make it to the bar tonight. I was pissed. 

"He's be-eing a dick Austin, I should go right over and sh...show him...I should tell.." 

"you c-can't even talk right, how are you gon-gonna tell him or show him wh-whatever?" 

"Ha! Well neither can you!" I laughed, but his face went completely blank, unlaughing. 

"I know." He said as he turned away from me to take his own drink. And I couldn't help but feel sorry. 

The sober part of me, way in the depths of my brain,  really didn't think he's drunk. It knew that the way he talks is just some sort of speech problem, that he couldn't control it, and that he hated it. 
It also knew that that was the meanest thing I've ever said to him. 

-&- 
There was a series of days where this went on, I'd go out to a bar, get drunk, get pissed- I almost started three fights this week alone- then I'd wake up the next morning not remembering a thing, then ask to go back that night. It'd start with me asking, Austin telling me no, me begging, saying it wouldn't happen again, then we'd be off for the town that night. I think the only reason Austin even came along was to watch out for me, which I was grateful for I admit. I'd probably be wrecked in the hospital by now if he didn't. 
But apparently I wasn't very grateful at the times at the bar. The morning I had realized that I had pretty much made fun of the way Austin talks I had almost just broke down and cried. I still cannot believe that I had even thought of saying anything like that to him, I knew how upset he could get over things and how self-conscious he could be. I don't understand why he is, though. He's nothing less than perfect. 

I'd figured out by now that I'd been yelling at Austin. Not really yelling at him, I'd just get irritated with him and end up being a dick. I honestly felt really bad about that, especially since I didn't even mean to do it; I would never try to be mean to him, he's the sweetest man on earth and doesn't deserve it. I had to work on this. 
And that's why were going out tonight, I'd start showing him I could be nice while still shit-faced. 
Well, that's not the only reason we were going. I kinda just wanted to forget about the whole situation with Kaitlyn. That's the main reason I've been drinking so much lately; when I was drunk I completely forgot that I missed her and that she pretty much hated me. 

All though I had texted her the other day, simply asking her how she was doing; I had wanted to say so much more but I had gone with that. 
Maybe it's not that I missed her so much, but that I had upset her enough to want to leave me. 
She had said she was doing fine, and me, being the idiot I am had told her I was sorry; again. She had gone off on me, going on about how she didn't want to hear it because she had told me how she felt numerous times before we even started fighting. She was right though, she had told me and I hadn't taken heed to her warnings, just kept hanging out without her. Completely ignoring her. I should have known how upset she was, how much I was hurting her and making her feel left out, how much I had taken advantage of having her. 

But this finally hit me, making me wonder, why don't I love her any more in the first place? 
Why had my feelings for her completely died off so suddenly? Was it suddenly, or had it been happening for a long time? I really didn't know. 
 I still felt like I did with Kaitlyn, but I didn't have her any more so why do I still feel like I at least like someone? 
And then my thoughts went directly to the man sitting next to me in the driver's seat, hair spiked, covered in tattoos, completely hot but still oh so adorable. 
Austin. 
The person who was always there for me, so sweet to me, honest, funny, I could go on forever about him, I realize. 
And I also realize, as I'm sitting here, staring out the window as we pass the city buildings, that I've got a massive crush. 
On my best friend. 

-&-

"Why do you keep doing this?" 

"Doing what, Aus?" 
Austin sighed, watching me take yet another shot off the bar stand. 

"Th-that. Why do you keep coming here when you wake up sore and upset the next morning? And you get mad at people over nothing...Is this even worth it?" 
I frowned, taking it in. I didn't want to tell him why I was doing this, I felt awkward-pathetic, even- when I talked about it. 

"Because I'm having fun. That's all; I just wanna have fun. You don't have to come if you don't want to...I feel like it bothers you." 
He didn't look like he believed me, which was understandable because I probably wouldn't either. But he shook his head, saying he wanted to stay here. 

Even when two hours later, we were sat at the island table where Austin was on his phone and I was on my whoeven-knows-what drink. I hadn't kept count. 
And sometimes, when you're drunk, everyone gets a little needy. Maybe a little horny thrown in there. And so as I was leaning over, clung to Austin's arm, I heard someone behind me speak up, directed at me. 

"How cute." I turned to find him watching me and Austin. It would have been fine if it weren't for the sarcastic, bitter tone he had used. 
This time, I chose to ignore the comment, remembering the other times I had gotten mad here. I wanted to show Austin that I could be good-maybe he'd reward me, if you know what I mean. It shouldn't be good to think about my best friend this way but like I said: everyone gets a little horny, and I really couldn't help it. I leaned in, nudging my nose against Austin's jaw line. 
"Alan..." His cheeks turned a bit red as he placed his hand gently to my shoulder, guiding me away without force. 

"What?" I whined, but he just shook his head. 

"Disgusting." It came from behind me and I turned again, to find that he was actually just watching Austin. 
"You're not gonna kiss your boyfriend, Austin?" 

Boyfriend? Austin had a boyfriend? 
Oh. Ohhh. He thought we were together. 
Austin sighed heavily next to me, sending a glance in the direction of- wait, who was he even? How did he know Austin? 

"Austin, who-who is th...that?" 

"No one, just ignore him." his voice was cold as he kept his eyes focused on the cell-phone screen. 

"Not gonna talk, eh, Aus?" 
His head whipped up at the sound of his nickname, the one I had given him. 

"Don't fucking call me that." His voice was harsh, gravely, and really, really hot. But he was pissed. 
Who was that guy? 

"Sorry, Aus. Won't happen again." He smirked, and now I was getting pissed off. 

"Austin who is he?" I begged. 
He whispered back to me through his teeth, still glaring at said guy. 

"That's Gielle's boyfriend. Ignore him Alan, h-he's just being a dick. Like always." He said the last part a bit louder so he could hear him. 

"How do you know?" I asked. 

"She sent me pictures after we got divorced. Fucking whore. Disgusting." 

"Not as disgusting as you and your little boyfriend. Faggot." 
Austin just looked away again, ignoring him. 
But I? Oh no. I whipped around faster than I should have, making my head spin a bit, standing up in front of the guy. 

"Hey! You shut the fuck up, got it? I will beat your ass." 
I shoved my finger to his chest. 

"Ha, I bet you would. Probably like it, too, wouldn't you?" 
I could feel heat rising up through me, from my feet to my chest where it bundled, turning to anger. 

"I swear to god, one more fucking time. What the fuck do you even want?" 

"Don't mind me, I'm just getting a drink. Then I'm going back to the truck with my girl. Should be a fun night." He smirked, looking back to Austin. 
And I'm pretty sure I could see his eyes tearing up, though it might have been the Lighting. But for both of our sakes I went with the first assumption, turning back to the sick next to me and raised my fist. 

"You leave him alone! He's not doing anything to you, you shit head. I think you're fucking jealous cause he's better than you, huh?" He stood up then, chest almost pressed to mine. 

"How sweet of you to defend your faggot friend. I wouldn't get your panties in a bunch, gingy, I could fuck you up one handed." 
And that's when I swung, hitting him square in the jaw. As soon as my hand was pulled back his hand was coming at me, but I saw it coming and ducked, hitting him in the side of the head. I had the upper hand and I wasn't letting him take it. I grabbed his collar and hit him in the jaw again. Then his hands were around my head and his knee was in my stomach. I stumbled back a bit, running into my chair, lifting my fist to swing again when I saw his own coming back down on me. But then a body pushed in front of mine. Austin grabbed his wrist, twisting it back towards the guys body, pushing him against the counter. He placed his hand in the hair at the back of his neck, holding the guys face to the counter. 

"Nobody touches my best friend." He kneed him in the back of the thigh with his bony knee, then pushed his face harshly to the counter with a thud. I heard him groan beneath Austin's hand. Austin released his hold, turning the guy around to get one good hit to the side of his face that I hadn't hit, whispering to him again. 

"Tell your girl I said 'fuck you' and fuck you too, cunt." and then he let go, turning to walk towards the doors. 
The guy actually looked scared, his eyes wide as he watched Austin walk away, his hand pressed to his jaw.
I resisted the urge to kick him right in the dick and followed my best friend out the doors, feeling extremely proud.