I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

Two days after we came home from the hotel, I got tired of trying to figure out why Austin was acting so weird. 
  He would barely talk to me, at least not the way he used to, and his very presence made things feel awkward. I tried my best to ease the feeling, but he still kept quiet and distant. 
  Okay, I kind of knew why. But I couldn't let him know that I knew, he had to think that I had been drunk that night in the hotel and didn't remember anything. 
  Problem was, I remembered everything. And it was so, so hard to keep it to myself. I wanted to talk to him about it more, ask him why, and try to figure out just what was going on with my best friend. 
  And I had this feeling, something good somewhere in my mind, telling me that I could, for once, fix something, instead of breaking it. 
   I know I can fix him. I just know it. And I'm determined to, at one point. Hopefully soon. I've just got to let him know I know everything. 

  Or maybe he didn't have to know that I was informed, maybe I could just get him to tell me again; this time while I was sober to him.

 That's why he was coming over after we were done recording a few more pieces of different songs. I was going to make him feel more at home than I ever had, I was going to talk to him, tell him things and hope he'd tell me in return. 

-&-

"I'm so glad we're getting this album done so fast, I can't wait to see the reaction from the fans." Austin beamed, hanging his thin hoodie next to my door. 

  "I know. They're going to love it-"

"Always do." 
I smiled back at him, walking to the fridge. I offered him a beer, which he took. 

  If there was one thing that anyone knew about Austin, it was that he loved his fans- our fans. 
Probably more than he loved himself. Well, definitely more than he loved himself, as I had found out that night at the hotel. 
 He just loved them a lot. They made him so happy, and he made them happy in return. It was...a beautiful thing. 
  And it didn't even bother me that he got most of the fame; most of the letters, most of the gifts, most of the love. 
  He needed it, really. I think it's a wonderful thing for him. 
And it's not like he's not giving back, either. He put everything he had into the music and into helping others.
  And for everything he's done, I see him as the greatest man in the world. 
How lucky am I, that he's my best friend? 
Pretty damn lucky. 

 "I didn't get a chance to check out the actual music today, I was at the mic the whole time, how's it coming along?"
 
Quit staring at Austin, Alan. That's weird. 
I swallowed hard after realizing that I was staring at the now-uncomfortable looking Austin. 

 "Um, I-it's coming out awesome. Phil's getting even better at guitar he's fuckin' great. Tino can fucking play, man. And my stuff, I love it. I love having to do more than just chugging all the time." I laughed. 
  Everything really was coming along great, and I was really excited for it. I was also ready for it to be over so we could release it, but I enjoy being In recording, too. 
  "I can't wait to hear how you and Aaron sound along with us" I added. 

"Me neither, I-I'm-I'm s-so," he took a breath, tripping over his words. 
"I'm so fucking excited, Alan. I can't wait. I want for us to go in ev-every day, so it will be finished sooner." 

"Let's do it then?" 

He pursed his lips, sighing.  
  "Do you think everyone will want to be going every day, though? I-I mean I would love to, b-but that's a lot of work. W-would you?" 

My eyes widened as I let out a huff of air. 
"Are you kidding? I would love to go work like that every day. It's like not even a job to me. And besides, other, normal people go to work every day, so why shouldn't we?" 

"That's true... Maybe I'll talk to th-the rest of the guys about it tomorrow." 

I smiled and agreed with the decision, both of us now close to finishing our silver cans of beer. 
 "Beer run, want another?" 

Austin shook his head, getting up from the couch. 

  "Can I see what you've got? I'm not really in a beer mood." I nodded and we went to the kitchen, Austin searching through the fridge, then the cupboard while I opened another can. 

  Well this was working in my favor, and I didn't even have to try. I was going to try to get him drunk, but he was apparently already working on that as he pulled a glass bottle from the freezer. 

  "Whipped Vodka? Since when do you drink this?" He chuckled, reading the label. I finished swallowing, leaning back against the counter. 

  "I don't, that was Kait's. It's not bad though." 
 
"I know, I don't see why you don't drink it." He laughed, pouring the clear liquid into a cup. He mixed in some juice from the fridge, just enough for flavor, then we went back to the livingroom. 

  About half an hour and three cans of beer later, the bong was on the table, bowl packed. I lit it and took a couple big hits, ending with a cough. I held the glass out to Austin as an offer, already knowing he wouldn't take it. 
  Right on cue he shook his head, no, and I brought it back to my own mouth. 
  During my time inhaling he must've been thinking because when I blew out the rest of the smoke, he spoke up. 

  "Actually, maybe I'll try it." 
  
  "What? Really?" I smiled, re-lighting the bowl for him after filling it again. I really never would have thought he'd even try it, he had always disliked- not really disliked, but was uncomfortable- when I smoked. Not cigarettes, though. Though he did think those were gross. 
  
  "D'you know what to do?" 
  
"You just breathe it in, right?" 

 "Pretty much." I laughed. "But make sure it gets to your lungs, swallow it all." 
 
I held it for him, then told him when to breathe in. 

"Keep sucking in, don't pull away." I pulled the bowl up, letting all the smoke go. 
 He was about to pull his head away when I told him not to move. 

 "Breathe all of it in, it's going." 
That was all he could take, backing his head up. 
 "Hold it-" He let out a huge cough, blowing all the smoke into my face and I couldn't help but laugh at this. It seemed like forever had passed when he finally stopped coughing and clearing his throat. 

  "How do you do that so much? It burns." He choked out, his voice coming out a bit hoarsely. 
 
  "You get used to it, plus you just took in a lot, especially for your first time. Here, try this." 

I seated myself in front of him on the couch, Indian-style and put the long glass between us. 

  "Breathe this in, okay? Trust me." I flicked the small flame over the metal again, watching the now black plant glow. 
  
  "It's kind of weird, and theres less smoke but it will actually get you higher." 
 I did my thing, breathing in all I could then leaned forward, bringing my face just a couple inches from his. I waited for his mouth to part and blew it out, him sucking the gray air in. 
  
"Now hold it." I told him, my face still barely two inches from his. I could see him perfectly, every little hair that made the stubble around his chin, every little freckle. Those freckles were so damn cute and I could only imagine how those little hairs would feel against my chin, my lips. Just as I was about to lean in and find out, his voice broke me out of my zone. 

  "Is there something wrong with my chin?" He reached up to scratch at the curved skin. 

  "What? No, why?"
I saw him relax from where he had been sitting rigid, flashing a smile at me. 

   "Well you were staring at it, but you didn't even see me." 
I gave him a confused look, taking in the last of the bowl that had burnt out in my hands. 

   "Didn't see you what?" 

  "Do that." He gestured when I exhaled. 

  "Oh, shit. Woops." I laughed. "I've got a little more, wanna show me again?" I smirked, laughing to let him know I was joking. 

  "Sure." 

He was full of surprises tonight, huh? But I obliged, setting it back up for him. This time he tried from the bong again, coughing, just not as much as the last time. 

  "I don't feel any different." 

 "It's gonna take a little more than that, Aus, just saying." 
 We both finished the bowl together, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't really just kind of trick him. I gave him pretty much the rest, after taking a turn one more time. 

  "Holy shit. Alan?" I looked up to where he was staring out the window upside down, his head laying on the arm of the couch with his legs laid across mine. 
 "What?" 

 "I swear the stars are moving. LOOK OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT." He started shouting, pointing through the sheer curtains, his eyes trying to widen. 

  "Austin you're high." Poking his belly, I grinned, laughing at his eyes. 
 "Look at me." I slid my phone from my pocket, turning on the camera. 

 "No I'm not. Why are you taking a picture of me?"
 
"Whatever you say, Buzz. Because I am, now open your eyes as wide as you can." I could see him trying to open his eyes wider but they weren't moving and this was probably the funniest thing I'd seen all week. 

 "Dude you've got terrible chink eye, you are definitely stoned." 

  "Shut up and come look at the stars with me." His head fell back against the arm and I moved to where I was kneeling in front of the window. 
After a few minutes of switching my weight between legs I got tired of sitting. 

  "You know what we should do?" 

He turned his head to look at me, grinning, his face so close I could see every little detail in the irises of his eyes. I swallowed hard. 
 
  "Come with me." 
I lifted myself from the floor and pulled the blankets off of the couch and chair, heading out the door. I lead us up a flight of stairs, Austin giggling all the way up after he almost tripped on the stairs; me laughing along because Austin being stoned was seriously the cutest thing. 
  When we reached the top I told him to stay in the small level while I fixed the blankets-not without protest from Austin, who claimed he was afraid of the dark and needed to at least keep the door open. 
But once the blankets were laid out on the rooftop I let him know it was alright to come out. When he laid eyes on the small bed I had made, his whole face lit up with a million watt smile, corners of his eyes crinkling and eyes sparkling. The sight it's self was enough to make me smile. 
 
   "Aren't you gonna lay down?" I settled myself onto the blankets, pulling another one over myself. He climbed in next to me, pulling his corner up so the comforter was tucked beneath his chin and he looked like a small child again, staring up at the stars. Except he was a grown man, intoxicated with illegal substances. 
But hey, what's the difference? 

   "This is awesome, Alan! You're the best. LOOK AT THIS IT'S SO AMAZING I FEEL LIKE IM STARING AT HEAVEN IT'S BETTER THAN PUDDING." He shouted, spreading his arms wide at the sky. 
  So he was one of those kinds of smokers, I thought. 
The ones who get really loud, and think the stars are moving. 
   Oh, and did I mention that Austin high was one of my favorite things? 

  "It is pretty nice, isn't it?" I stated, he nodded his head. 
 "I come up here all the time and just watch the stars. Not to say they do much, but it's still nice." 

"They're so much easier to see up here. It's not all cloudy." 
We we're both quiet for a minute before I decided to speak. 

  "That's what happens when you're down. Everything that's beautiful gets clouded over, hard to see. But it's still there." 
He knew what I was talking about. Well, he didn't know that I intended it that way, considering "I don't know" but it made sense to him. He sighed and reached over and brushed my hand, whispering.
 
"I know." 
I took his hand in mine and he smiled. 
"Sometimes we just need something to lift us up, help us see the beautiful things." He spoke to me, still smiling. 

  "And you just have to keep looking until you finally see it." I replied, both of us looking back up to the sky. 

  "Sometimes it gets tiring, looking for something over and over again." He sighed. 

 "Just because you're tired, doesn't mean you give up. I get up every morning tired, but it doesn't mean I go back to bed. Because I have things to do; purposes." 

  "Sometimes it seems like it's easy to see what you want but then the clouds just cover it again." 

  "That's okay, just don't let it rain." I brushed his hip closest to me with the back of my hand and he turned to look at me, wide-eyed. 

  "You can't stop the rain." 

  "You can use an umbrella." 
He was quiet for a while, just looking at me with that questioning expression. I knew what he was wondering, so I might as well tell him. 

  "I know." 
His eyebrows shot up. 

"Y-you kn-know what?" I watched as his adams apple slide with his hard swallow. 
 
 "Everything. I know about this." I slid a finger under the hem of his shirt, lightly brushing the rough skin. 
 But he didn't speak, he just stared at me, and he looked scared, and sad. And I was scared and sad too. I was scared because I just let him know that I knew and I wish I could take back those words, I did the second I said them. And I was sad because I didn't want him to feel this way any more. 

  "Y-you do..." He sighed, his words coming out half-question half-statement. 

  "I do."