I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

Well that was...interesting.

Im home alone, Austin just left, he's got a previously unscheduled therapy session today. I'm surprised that he told me about it, though I'm glad he did and seems to be warming up to me on that topic. I just wish he would actually talk to me about it. I want to know every little detail about all the things that he's been hiding. I want to know every single little detail about him, because apparently I didn't already. 

  And I was really wishing he was here right now, because not even half an hour after he left, I had gotten a text that did not necessarily make my day, and I could use something to distract myself from it. 

I really don't feel like talking to Kait. I haven't even opened it yet, don't dare to. I've just been sitting, waiting for my courage to build up enough to open the message, secretly wishing it wouldn't at all. 
I felt my phone vibrate yet again, reminding me that I had unread mail. 

Here goes nothing. 

"Left some stuff at your place. Can I come over in a few?" 

That's it? 
I know she was upset with me, but that's it? She's just getting things? That's all she would talk to me for? I don't know why I was expecting more. 
But what did she leave here? I hadn't found anything around. It must be in her drawer, I hadn't touched it since she'd moved out. I might as well get it ready for her, spare her the trouble of hanging around me too long. 

"Sure." 
I moved to our- my, bedroom and sat next to the desk. I didn't really want to touch it, it seemed weird. This is her desk, it's got her stuff in it, it should be opened by her. I wish she were here to open it herself.
 I wish she was here.
I miss her. Im starting to really miss her. The more I think about it, the more I remember how we were together, the more it makes me realize how big of a part of my life she was. And I don't know how to describe it, but it feels like...like my face wants to cry, my whole face. My eyes felt like they were going to over flow with tears but nothing came out at all. And there was a weight in my chest, a tightening sensation. Is this how Austin feels all the time? I really hope not, it doesn't feel good. 

And there's Austin again, the same reason Kait moved out and broke up with me. He was all I payed attention to apparently. I don't understand, she must realize how important friends can be, right? 

I pushed my hair back out of my face and pulled the wooden handle open. 

There were just a couple pieces of jewelry left and some papers, so I scooped them out and brought them to set on the kitchen table we used to eat at.  Maybe I should just move out. Everything I look at here makes me think of her and each time it makes the little knot in my stomach grow, missing her more and more. So I guess if she could just move on that easily then I should try, too. 

I shuffled through some of the jewelry and papers, bored already, when one of the slips of papers caught my eye. 
I read the paper labeled "babe" with a phone number written beneath it. 
This isn't my number though? 
I heard a knock then my door open behind me. I turned and Kait walked in, giving me a suspicious look. 

"Is that my stuff?" 

"Uh...yeah. Here." I backed up from the table. 

She scooped up the pile, but I stopped her before she could leave. I held the paper out between my fingers. 

"What's this? That's not my number." She reached out to grab it but I tucked it back into my hand, keeping it from her. 

  "I don't know, let me see it." 

"I'm pretty sure you'd know what it is. It says 'babe' with a phone number? And I know you didn't just put it in there, you haven't been here." 

"Oh that! It's old, it just got shoved into my papers, plus it's not even mine. It's a friend from work's. I'll give it back to her." She reached out again asking for the paper. 

But then it all clicked inside my brain and I gave her an angry glare, crossing my arms. 

"Is it? is it the "friend" you'd been going out to see at least weekly?" 

"Yes actually, she asked me to get someones number for her." 

"And she had it labeled "babe?" I laughed, shaking my head. 
"You're not even staying with your sister, or your friend or whatever, are you?" 

"Yes I am, and you know that." 

"How would I? You never even told me about it, you never talk to me. You cheated on me, didn't you." I stated, quite bluntly. 
"You weren't even upset with me were you? You just wanted to be with somebody else." I got quieter at the end, taking in what I was saying; it had to be true, it all adds up now.
She pulled the paper from my hand, crumpling it into her pocket.

"No, I didn't fucking cheat on you! I can't believe you'd even think that, Al." 

"Alan." I corrected. 

"Alan." She rolled her eyes.
"But no, I didn't cheat on you. I left so that wouldn't happen. You make it seem like I didn't care about you at all when that's exactly what I did. I loved you, I did-"

"Then why the fuck'd you leave me?!" 

"Because! You're on tour all the time, and I miss you then. And then when you come back you're never even home, you don't take me with you hardly anywhere, how am I supposed to be with you if you won't even let me?"

 I can't even tell at this point if she's angry or upset, her face reddening and voice quivering. But I didn't even have anything to reply. It was kind of true, I guess. 

"And you look at your best fucking friend the way you should look at me! If I didn't know any better I'd think you're in love with him instead of me! You're always with him. And I realize that you need friends, everyone needs friends, but I need one too! I needed you. And you weren't there so I went looking, and I met someone. I was left to spend enough time with him to like him; but I still love you. Enough so that I left you, who wasn't there for me, so that I could be with someone who was, without hurting you even more." 

Yeah I'm thinking she's both, mad and upset. I could tell she was pissed, but tears had started sliding down her cheeks now and it felt wrong to me to not wipe them away for her, so I did. I wiped them away and hugged her tightly, but after just seconds her hands were on my chest, nudging me away. 

"I have to go. I'm sorry Alan, but I just can't do it. I can't argue with you about this any more." 
She walked out. 

And I had so much to say to her, I wish she would come back. But after that, I don't think she'd be back any time soon. 
-&-
That weight in my chest was heavier, now that my initial anger had faded away. I really don't know how Austin puts up with this all the time, it feels so heavy and whole that I feel like I could literally just rip it out of my chest. 

Maybe I would talk to him about it sometime. 

I could right now, I guess. It always makes me laugh how we'll start talking even just minutes after we leave each other, or how we miss each other minutes after too. 

I picked up my phone and dialed his number, even though I know he hates talking on the phone. 

"Hey sexy." I heard him answer. 

"'Sup cutie?" I laughed at the tone of his voice, faux-flirting.

"Not much really. I'm just watching tv. On twitter. What's up with you?" 

"Um..." Should I tell him Kait came over?

"Talking to you, bored, hah." I laughed half heartedly. 
I heard him "hm" on the other end of the line, practically hearing him roll his eyes. He was pretty readable sometimes. 

"Yeah, but what's actually wrong?" Apparently I was, too.

"I don't know what you mean? Other than there's nothing on tv." 

"I know somethings wrong, what's up?" 
There's no getting around him is there? Might as well tell him...I guess. 

"Kait came over and..." 

"Yeah?" 

"Well she took some stuff, but I got it out for her and there was a piece of paper and it said "babe" on it with a phone number so I asked about it, and she told me about it." 

"What was it?" 

"Austin, she's not staying with her sister or friend she's staying with some guy. I guess she met him a while back, but that's why she left. Me." 

"What do you mean? Did she cheat on you?!" He asked angrily, I could hear the roughness of his voice, could picture his face in my mind, all scrunched up in anger.

"She said she didn't but who knows. I guess I believe her, she told me all about it." 

"Damn. Tell me all about it." 
I went to speak, to tell him the whole story but he cut me off before I even got the first word out. 

"I mean, at my house. Or well, apartment. Come over in a while, I have to go right now, I'm at therapy-well, I'm going in right now, anyway. I'll text you when I'm done." I could picture him walking down a hall to the room he went to, entire hallway painted white. I'd never seen where Austin's therapy was held, I wondered if it was the stereotypical white walls, white coats, and rubber rooms, or completely different. Maybe I'd ask to visit sometime. 

"That seems a much better idea" I laughed. 
"Have fun, I guess?" 

"Haha, as much as I can okay? See you then!" 
I hung up with him and went to take a shower before remaining by my phone u tip he texted me. 

-&- 

"So she lied to you." 

"Yeah...Yeah I guess. I mean, I understand why but I don't know, I feel like she should have been able to tell me. Right?" 

"Uh, duh! You guys were together! She should have trusted you with anything." 

"Yeah...I guess I didn't really give her much to trust though. Why am I such a dick?" 
I groaned, falling back into the couch cushions and covered my face. 

"You're not a dick, Alan. You didn't know. It's not even really your fault." He rubbed at the back of my head, and it instantly relaxed me, making me feel almost tired. 

"I guess."
 I knew he was just trying to comfort me, I mean, of course it was my fault. So I just saved him the argument and agreed with him. 
He smiled at me and got up, stretching. My eyes instantly were drawn to where his shirt had lifted, showing his stomach. The sight of his hips made my stomach flip-even though I noted that there were no new marks- but it was like I couldn't look away. 
 Until he pulled his shirt down, then I had to pull my eyes away from his broken skin. 
He pulled at the hem of his shirt, playing with the material. 
"I'm uh...g-gonna go take a shower, okay?" 
I nodded in response and he left. Not even five minutes after he left I got bored and moved to his room, just laying and looking up to the ceiling.
That soon got boring also, and I began looking more around the room. I had never really looked around, I realized. I mean I knew there was a bed stand next to the bed, there was a bureau on the left side of the room right under the window, a closet on the wall opposite the bed, and another taller bureau next to it with a tv on top of it, but these were just the simple details. 
  There were clothes in the bureaus, old junk and some clothes in the closet, a lamp on the bed stand along with an alarm clock. There was a small trash can on the other side of the tall bureau, and an empty "put away" fish tank on top of the short bureau. 
There was an orange prescription bottle on the bed stand, similar to the ones I'd seen him take before in the kitchen, right next to a small white box. Even if I hadn't really looked around here much I knew that the box hadn't always been there. 
Curiosity getting the best of me, I listened to hear the water from the shower still running before lifting the cover. 
 Oh. 
I instantly regretted opening the box, frowning down at the objects it held. I had every intention of throwing away the entire box. 
But then I remembered what he had said on the rooftop the other night. 

"I can't throw it away." He had said. So I'd trust him enough to keep them, I wouldn't throw any of it away. 
But I opened the drawer to the bed stand, moving everything around until I came across both a pen and paper. 
I quickly scribbled it all out, taking up until the time I heard him shut the water off to write before folding the paper up and sliding it into the little box. I quietly ran back to the living room to sit back on the couch just as he opened the door to come out, dressed in black dress pants and a dark blue button-up, his hair almost slicked back but still spiked a little 

"What are you all dressed up for?" 
He grinned, tossing a black jacket at me, hitting me in the face. 

"I'm taking you out. Hurry up, our reservation is for seven." 

"But it's only five?" 

"I never said it was close." His smile got bigger as he winked at me. 

Might as well just go with it, he wouldn't tell me no matter how much I asked, I knew. 

-&- 

"So this place is nice huh?" I looked to Austin who was driving, but he just shrugged in return. 

"I dunno." 

"Well for an hour and twenty minute ride, and the way we-uh, you're, dressed, I'd hope so." 

"I don't know Alan, we'll have to wait and see." 
I huffed, slouching down in my seat, feeling like a stereotypical teenager with my arms crossed over my chest. 

 "Why are you bringing me here anyway?" 

He laughed, pulling the truck onto an exit. 
  "Call me weird, but I just get the urge to do things for you sometimes. Like, take you places and buy you things." 

"Oh...thanks, then. And yeah, you're kinda weird." I smiled out the window, feeling contempt inside the silent car with him.