I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

"I'm here for a um, a r-reservation under Austin?" I told the guy behind the wooden podium, sputtering out my words. This was one of those times where I wish someone else were here that could speak for me, like when I was little. 

"Ah, right this way." He turned and walked down the red carpeted aisle until setting down two menus on the dark wood table. 
He left but was replaced by a short, stout girl, having to be in her twenties. 
 "Hello, I'm Ava and I'll be your waitress today, do either of you know what you'd like to drink?" She pulled her small notebook out of her apron pocket, scribbling something down. 

"Um...I'll have an Oreo shake, please." More scribbling. 

"Allll-right, and you?" She looked to Alan who was scanning over his menu. 

"I'll just have a Jack Daniels I guess." 
She nodded, writing it down. 

"Tall glass." He added. "Please." 

She said something to us before leaving, but I wasn't paying attention, I was instead staring intently at Alan with a look that said "you've got to be kidding me." 
And that's exactly what I was thinking. 
"What?" He tapped his menu on the table, smiling shyly. 
I took a deep breath, sighing. 

"Nothing." 
He hummed in response, both of us going back to looking at our menus.

I was kind of annoyed that Alan had ordered alcohol- even if it was just beer. He's always drinking it's like he can't even have fun with out it. 
I guess I ought to be glad it's not an actual problem; at least he's not an alcoholic. But still. He could just order a normal drink sometime right? That'd be nice. 

"What would be nice?" I looked up to see him peering over the laminated paper at me. 

"What?" 

"You said 'that would be nice', what would be nice?" 

I said that out loud? Oops. 

"Uh...n-nothing. Jus-just this burger. It looks really good." I smiled, feeling my face heat up. 

"Oh, where?" He craned his neck to get a better look over at me. I looked down to the paper, searching for a burger, any, to show him. But then I remembered. 
This is a seafood restaurant. 
There were no burgers on the entire menu except for the kids meals. 

"Um...I-I meant to say um." I had no idea how to correct myself here. What seafood sounds like burger? 
None that I know of, way to go Austin. 
I let out an exasperated sigh, laying my forehead on the table before sitting back up to look at him. 

"It's just... You always have to get a drink." I added emphasis to 'drink' letting him know I didn't mean any old drink. 
Just then our waitress was setting our glasses down in front of us, asking now, "Are you boys ready to order?" 

Alan spoke up first, telling her exactly what he wanted, then I ordered mine. Only I gave her the number of the dish, avoiding having to explain anything about my meal-and any more communication than necessary. She then spun to walk away and Alan spoke up. 

"I'm a man, I'm of age, and I love my beer. Is this so wrong?" He cocked an eyebrow at me, taking a drink. 

"N-no it's just... I-" 

He leaned in, smiling playfully.
"At least I'm not drinking something a twelve year old would." He teased. 

"Of course you'd know what age drinks it, you must've been the same age only yesterday, right?" I teased back. 

"Hey, youth is beautiful and I am rocking it." His eyebrows lifted, smirking. 

"But really, how did you know?" 
He looked back to me. 

"Know what?" 

I smiled, sipping my shake through the too-small straw. They should seriously consider getting wider straws for these things I mean really, how is a piece of Oreo gonna make it up this dinky little thing? 

"How'd you know I drank this when I was twelve?" I laughed. 
"I used to come here all the time with my mom and dad. And I would order this same thing every single time." I smiled, remembering all those vague memories of us sitting at the booths, me sitting alone across the booth from them until my mother would feel bad and sit next to me. Way back when I was happy. Good times. 

 "Really? Awe." He smiled.

  We got our meals and talked casually the rest of the time before we both went home (a.k.a my apartment, of course)

-&- 

"Hey Aus?" 
I up-nodded, letting him know that I was listening, even though I was fixated on my phone. 

"We are alllllllways at eachother's houses. Or, apartments, I mean." 

"Yeah?" I chuckled. We were, it's true, one of us would leave and be back even within hours- it's kind of funny. 

"Well I know that apartment is open down the hall where that Jeremy guy used to live." 

"Jason." 

"What?" 
I chuckled, replying. "His name was Jason, and yeah he's moved out." 

"Oh," he laughed. "Well anyway, I've been thinking about moving out. It's all too...familiar in my apartment, y'know?" 
I nodded, understanding. 

"Do you think I could move in down the hall? It'd be so much cheaper on gas."
 We both laughed. 
"Yeah I mean, I guess. I could talk to the lord." 

"Ahh yes, the drug lord." 

"No you idiot" I hit him playfully on the head. "The landlord." 

"I know, I know." He smiled, rubbing at his head as if it actually hurt. 

"Here lemme kiss it." I gave my best baby-voice, puckering my lips and he leaned down so I could kiss at the top of his hair. 
"All better." I ruffled his hair playfully. 

"You suck." He laughed, fixing his hair. 

I scoffed. "I am never kissing your booboos again." 

"Okay, okay you don't suck." He smiled. 

Wait does that mean he wants me to kiss his booboos. And is it weird to think 'omg'? Oh well. 

"Can it be my turn to take a shower now?" 

"Of course, princess." I winked. "As long as I'm allowed to watch." 

"Oh damn." He smirked back and we both burst into laughter. "But seriously I'm gonna go now." 

  Ten minutes later I was putting pajamas on in my room, delaying on the pants while I examined my legs. 
I had gone about two weeks without doing anything and even though that's a short amount of time, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard. I had urges to do things every day, at random times no matter where I was. 
At home, at the store, at Alan's apartment- everywhere I went there was still that heavy mass in my chest. If that doesn't go away I don't know how long I can make it. 
 Even though I have my -very important- reasons for stopping, I think the only thing that was stopping me now is that I threw it all away. I had given in and thrown it away the night after being on the rooftop- except...
I opened the little box on my bed stand to find that there was still one lonely little razor inside. But there was also a folded up piece of paper; one that I didn't remember putting in there. I was instantly flooded with panic; thinking, who could have put it there? Who had gotten in there? Who had seen the contents of this little box that I was so ashamed of? 

But there was really only one answer- one that I should have known before I saw the scribbled hand writing inside, because who else would it be? Alan was the only person that had entered my apartment in months. 
I didn't really know how to feel about that. About the fact that Alan had seen it and the fact that he wrote on the paper what he did. 

There was a mid-size paragraph written on the blank paper, saying things like "I want to help," "you know everything will be okay at some point," "you're a huge inspiration," and one thing that made my hair stand on end and a smile to appear on my face; "I love you." 
I just skimmed the paper, planning to read it later. It'd be awkward for Alan to come in on me reading it. 
I slid it back into the box, returning to the living room before Alan finished his shower. 

-&- 

Alan had fallen asleep a while ago. And even though the light sound of his breathing was comforting and I was tired, I reached into the box to retrieve his letter. I had waited hours for this, the butterflies in my stomach making it hard to focus on anything at all. I unfolded the paper. 

"This will be short because...never mind just." He scribbled something out there. 
"I know you said you'd try, but sometimes I'm just kind of scared, you know? You're my best friend and I hate knowing that you feel this way, even if I'm not exactly sure what that is. But I just want to let you know that you mean the world to me, you're my absolute best fucking friend" he drew a smile and so did my face.
"And you can talk to me any time, about anything. Please do, I want to help. I know you don't even need that therapist, it's just someone to talk to and you've got one right here." Another smiley face. 
"You know you're a huge inspiration to so many people, so listen to yourself.  I love you dude, every thing's gonna be just fine at some point. Get there." Signed with a heart.