I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

I really couldn't wait for tonight. I wish Kaitlyn wasnt going though, I was kind of bummed when Alan said she was going. But oh well, at least Alan would be there. Hey, maybe he'd get drunk and- No. That's wrong. Ugh, what the Hell is wrong with me, thinking about my best friend like that?

I finished buttoning my dark blue shirt, staring in the mirror. I needed to shave and my hair looked like shit. I just brushed it back, spiking it with my fingers. I would shave later, I didn't have time right now and it wasn't too bad anyways.

After pretty much drowning myself in cologne, and brushing my teeth-twice, might I add-I left my top floor appartment. Stepping into the hot summer air I regretted wearing even anything tonight. Not that I could go naked anyway. I chuckled at the thought, and prayed that I could make it there without getting too sticky from the humidity. It was the moist heat, the kind that made it hard to breathe and made you sweat like crazy. Jumping into my SUV I turned on the air conditioner as high as possible.

Long sleeves. Way to go Austin. But screw it, I wasn't running all the way back to my appartment to change. Sighing, I backed out of my space and made my way to the bar, blasting our bands latest cd, The Flood. It wasn't weird to listen to your own music, right? I had to admit I felt pretty awkward listening to myself scream, and decided to turn on the radio. Some annoying pop song was playing, and I didn't feel like messing with the stations so it's a good thing I don't live far from where I was meeting Alan.

I was there within five minutes, and I dreaded stepping into the heat. But the faster I left my vehicle the faster I could get Inside.I shoved my door open, the warmth hitting me like a brick. Any cool air left in my truck was eaten away. I saw Alan's black car parked against the side of the building opposite me. He must be inside already, I figured, though I don't think I was late. I made my way inside, relieved to find that it was air conditioned; and the lack of lighting helped too.

Scanning the dim room I figured Alan must be out back, so that's where I went. Alan was sitting in a booth along with Kaitlyn. Thankfully he'd reserved a circular booth so I could still sit next to him. I smiled as I sat on alans left.

"Hey." Getting comfortable, I unbottoned the cuffs of my sleeves to roll them up. Even though it was cooler inside it was still pretty hot. Alan watched me, and laughed. 

"Why the fuck would you wear long sleeves, its like a thousand degrees outside. You're gonna sweat your balls off!" 

"I don't even-" I started to reply, but cut myself off as Alan earned an elbow to the side. 

"Leave him alone, Al. Austin, I think you look very nice, don't mind him." She laughed, and Alan pouted playfully at her before rising to his feet. I got in a quick "thank you" before Alan spoke. 

"I'm gonna go get some drinks. Austin, what do you want?" 
I thought, my chin resting on my hand. "Surprise me." I gave him a wink and he laughed, brushing past me to aproach the bar. Aw, Alan, why did you have to leave me alone with her? I glanced up at Kaitlyn, and she smiled at me. I gave an awkward smile back, but then let my gaze travel around the room. It was brought back to her when she spoke. 

"So you guys are working on some new stuff, huh? That's pretty cool, I love what you've put out already." She really looked excited. Nodding, I gave a real smile back.

"Yeah, we've got a couple songs almost done.I just finished one today." I was tempted to tell her about Alans guitar idea he showed me last night, but for some reason it felt like a secret to me. Something special. So I kept it to myself.

"Sweet! I really cant wait to hear it. I don't know how you can sing like that all the time, you'd think it'd hurt?" I laughed at her common assumption, drumming my finger tips on the table top.

"No, it doesn't hurt. You can barely feel it, i- its like singing only in your...whatever you c- uh...can call this. Diaphragm! That's it!" I kept my eyes on my hands as we laughed when I gestured to the space between my stomach and throat, never meeting her eyes. She had a pretty laugh. She was pretty, I could see why Alan liked her. Speaking of Alan, he was now leaning against the other side of the table. 

"Drinks will be here in a while, they're pretty busy up there. Wanna go dance?"
Shit. I can't dance. Well I can grind but other than that I'd look like an idiot. 

"Man, you know I can't dance. I'll wait for the drinks, I'll go get you when they're here. You two go dance." 

"Aw come on, come dance Austin! There's some hot babes out there." He wiggled his eyebrows at me and laughed as Kaitlyn gave him an unimpressed glare. I laughed at that, thinking *'the only 'babe' I want is you*

"Nah, I'm good. I'll go out later." 

Alan shrugged, and muttered a "suit yourself" before walking into the crowd. Waiting for the 'party' to get there, I occupied myself by looking at all the people moving to the music coming from hidden speakers around the room. Alan was right, there were some 'hot babes' out there.

But that's the thing. Ever since my divorce... I just haven't felt the same about women. I still found them attractive, and I still believed that any woman is the most precious body on earth, that needed the upmost respect. But I wasn't /attracted/ to them. It was like there was no feeling there for them in that sense. But I'm not gay either, the only boy I'd ever found myself attracted to like this was Alan.

The only person I want to be with is Alan.

And it was the weirdest thing, it's like I'm "alansexual". I honestly just lost interest in girls, it seems like every relationship I had with a girl ended badly. I thought back to when I was in highschool, and my girlfriend ended up passing after being in a car accident. And when I married Gielle, gave her my entire heart and she ended up cheating on me. Fucking whore. Though, I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for her. 

"Here's your drinks, sir." My head snapped up from where I had been staring at my hands. One of the waitresses was sliding a round tray with three drinks on it onto the table. 

"Oh, thank you." I smiled at her, and she smiled back, her brown hair bouncing in her pony tail. She was kind of tall, straight hair, she had a monroe piercing. She had on a short white dress with a frilly yellow apron on over it, definitely a uniform. And she was kinda cute, in an odd sense. She was an attractive girl, even I had to admit though no one ever compared to my Alan with me.

"You're welcome." She was about to turn away when I caught her attention. 

"Oh! I forgot! Um...d-did, did the guy who ordered them, did he um, pay for them y-yet?" I wanted to smack myself in the face over my stuttering. She nodded. "Yeah, he payed when he ordered." 
I stood up, fumbling through the loose papers in my back pocket. 

"Well...here, a-a tip." I handed her a few bills, not even counting it first. She grinned, it must have been quite a bit. 

"Thank you so much, that's a big tip! If you'd like... um, once you're done with your drink, if you want another, I could buy you one. You really didn't have to-" 

"I'd love that." It was my turn to grin. She looked a bit surprised, but she nodded before gesturing to the counter, letting me know she had to get back to work.

Even if she couldn't match my best friend in the looks department, she was still cute. But again- she'd never meet up to Alan. Speaking of which, I had to go find him. I slipped my shirt off over my head, knowing it'd be hotter on the dance floor, and started to push my way through the crowd. I found them by the back wall.
They were making out. 

Wonderful. 

"HEY GET A FUCKING ROOM!" I yelled jokingly at them, when Alan turned around, cheeks flaming, to see who had spoken to them I laughed. 

"Drinks are ready." At first he looked pissed, but once he found that I was the one that yelled he followed me happily back to the table, where he handed me my drink. It was orange at the top and as it went down it turned more red. I had never seen it before. It was good though, an orange-y flavor with a bit of strawberry. I liked it, and when I asked Alan what it was he said it was a secret.

Well okay. It was heavy with something. Vodka. Definitely vodka, and a lot if it, good thing it wasn't plain. It still burned down my throat though.

"You trying to get me drunk, Al?" 

"Maybe Im just try'n'a take you home." He winked at me jokingly, but it still made my stomach tighten on it's self, like I had butterflies in it. 

"Boy, you know you can take me home any time." I gave him a 'seductive' look. That pedophile look you give your friends. Yeah that one. Kaitlyn seemed to think it was funny.
I wanted to throw a rock at her when she laughed.

The thought of that made me laugh. I took another sip of my drink and felt only ice meet my lips. I didn't realize how much of it I had already drank. Waiting for the other two to finish, I swirled the slush in the bottom of my glass around. That got pretty boring, pretty fast. About 15 minutes of staring off later, I remembered, the waitress.

"Hey, I'm gonna go get another drink" and I walked to the barstand, searching until I found that brown pony tail above all the others on the other side of the bar. I didn't know her name so I couldn't call to her, so I decided to go to her. I took a seat in one of the revolving bar stools, waiting as she placed two orders before coming to me, notebook in hand. 

"Hi, what can I get you?" 
I leaned forward a bit in my seat so she could hear me over the music.

"Well, I was hoping I could take you up on that offer." It was then that she realized who I was, and her eyes went wide before breathing an "oh" 

"Yeah, my shift will be over in about 5 minutes if you don't mind the wait. I mean, unless you'd like to take it and go?" 
I shook my head, shrugging.

"I've got all the time in the world."

She smiled, nodded, then I waited until she finished waiting on people. I glanced back at Alan, finding him and Kaitlyn laughing, holding eachother. I had to admit that I was happy for him, but I just didn't like her. 

"So what would you like?" 
I turned back around slowly to find her standing, all though without the apron this time. I wonder what her name is. I'd ask after. I thought of all the possibillities of drinks. Alan had gotten me a pretty good one so I decided to do the same with her. 

"Surprise me, but make it hard." I winked at her and she laughed before ducking behind the counter. My vision was already being covered by what seemed like a haze, but I didn't care. She then disappeared into another section, returning with two margaritas in her hands. I guess that'd be okay.
She sat down next to me and took a long drink. I copied her, then decided to break the silence.

"You know, I never even asked you your name." She laughed a little, her hair bobbing up and down in her elastic. 

"I totally forgot, too. My names Jessica, you?" 

"That name suits you" I laughed. "My names Austin." I held my hand out formally and straightened my posture. "Nice to meet you, ma'am." She knew I was trying to be funny and shook my hand dramatically. 

"As you, sir." 

I chuckled, lifting my glass to drink instead of using the straw. She had definitely made it hard. I could barely taste the flavor of the mix over the amount of alcohol. Not even half my drink was gone and the buzz in my head was getting pretty strong. 

"So, do you like working here?" I tried to create conversation. She thought for a minute, pushing her straw around. 

"Yeah, I guess its okay. I love being able to work with the music blaring, it keeps me energized. But some of the customers here aren't the greatest, especially when they try to touch the waitresses. Of course our uniforms don't help with that." I took a second to take in her attire. I see what she meant. The dress went not even half way up her thighs, and it was pretty low cut up top. But that really pissed me off that people would even think of violating these women's space. 

"So what do you do, if you don't mind my asking?" 

I gave her the response I had been over hundreds of times before.

"I sing real loud in a band called Of Mice And Men." Then I waited for the usual dirty look as if to say "what a weirdo." But that look never came. Actually her response surprised me.

"You're kidding! I love that band! Oh my God... you're Austin /Carlile/? I thought you looked familiar, but your haircut and lack of clothing threw me off." We both laughed at that, I was surprised she knew about us, too. She didn't really look like someone that would listen to our kind of music, but hey, the more the merrier. 

"You do? that's awesome! And yeah, flesh and bone." I smiled at her and she laughed.

"Yeah I saw you guys a while back. You're fucking amazing!" 
I had almost finished my drink, and it was getting hotter by the minute. The room tilted to the right every few seconds, but we kept talking, my speech slurring more gradually. For about an hour we sat there, talking about anything we could think of. I even told her about Gielle and about my problem with Alan. She was easy to talk to, even after such a short time of knowing her. I felt like I could trust her.
I ended up buying another drink and by now I could barely talk. I guess I should have eaten something before I had come here. But I was having a great time with Jessica, she was funny and she understood me. I could see myself being friends with her and we exchanged numbers.

But then she told me she had to go, that she had to meet her friends somehwere and she'd text me later. I gave her a huge hug before she left and she laughed when I squeezed her tight.After she had left, I walked-carefully- back to the table where Alan and Kait had been seated before. But they weren't there so I figured they must be dancing.When I was part way through the crowd I noticed Alan walking my way so I stopped and waited. Kaitlyn wasn't with him, though, and he looked completely wasted. Probably as wasted as I felt. He was stumbling, and he almost fell onto me. 

"W-wheres Kait?" I leaned back against the black wall, the material cooling me down a bit. 

"She's...in the bathroom. I think. Maybe she went to the store. Come dance with me Austiiin." He grabbed my arms, pullng me towards him and I almost fell on him. I laughed as he tried to slow dance with me, both of us tripping over eachothers feet. So I held him at a stop and he just stared up at me. His chest was pressed against mine, he was so close I could feel his breath gently hitting my skin. I just wanted to kiss him.

"Austin, you're my best friend, man I love you." 
And then he reached up and kissed me. Alan Ashby kissed me. It was nothing like we did on stage for the fans. No, he was rough here. It was full of need, and fuck, I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't stop myself from kissing him back. His girlfriend could walk right up at any second, and it just made it all the better knowing that it was a dangerous game I was playing. What would she do? 

Alan stepped forward, moving us both back until I rested on the wall once again. 
I knew he was drunk off his ass, and it wasn't even fair for me to take advantage of him like this, but it felt so good to do what I had wanted to for so long. I felt his hands wrap around my hips, where they sat perfectly. But no matter how perfect this all was, I still knew it was wrong. It was so wrong and I needed to stop. I felt his lips part and that's when I let my hands slide from the back of his neck to his chest, pushing him away. 

"Alan, I c-cant. We can't do that. W-we're best frie-friends. You have a girlfriend." 
His hands were still placed on my hips and it was just making it harder for me to stop, to say no, that we couldn't...

So I had to walk away. I didn't want to. Ever. But I went back to our table and took out my phone. I was drunk and upset and I just wanted to go home. I texted Phil, asking if he was near. He said that him, Tino and Aaron were all at Tinos place. But I could drive myself home, it was only a few minutes away, I'd be fine, no matter how much I despised drinking and driving. I went to find Alan to tell him I was going home. It was really awkward talking to him, not even because of what happened, but because Kaitlyn was there now and she was oblivious to what had just happened.

"Hey, I'm going home. Talk to you later."
I slung my shirt over my shoulder, blowing cool air down my back. He turned to nod at me before turning back to her. And he was holding her waist, kissing her all over; just everywhere, and it made me sick to my stomach. Like all of my insides were spinning together. My breathing came faster, before I walked away. When I got to my truck I turned on the air conditioning, leaning my head against the steering wheel.

I had to calm down before I threw up. Why couldn't I be Kaitlyn? Why couldn't Alan like me the way I like him? Why did I have to fall for someone I knew I couldn't be with? This wasn't helping me calm down, every few seconds my stomach felt like it was doing flips.
I let my gaze wander down to my hips where the bones stuck out slightly, and that's when I hit the gas pedal, going home.

-&-

I closed my apartment door quietly, throwing my shirt onto my couch before walking into my room. I opened my dresser drawer, pushing all socks aside. I reached in, pulling out what I'd been looking for, staring at the small object in my hand for a moment before positioning it between my thumb and middle finger. 

I wanted to know what it felt like, to try and ease a mental pain with a physical pain. To block it out, just focus on now and forget everything else. I wanted to know. 
Pushing the hem of my pants down over my hips, I adjusted this object in my hand. I'd only ever used it to turn shirts into tanktops and it felt awkard in my hand. I swallowed hard as I pressed the corner to my skin, just grazing it. I didn't feel like I, myself, was doing this. It was more like I was somehow watching from a distance, almost like I had no control over my own body-a completely empty mind.

But I kept going, staring at the razor in my hand. It didn't feel all that bad. So I pushed down harder, feeling it slide through my skin. It burned, as I watched the red liquid rise in little dots before gathering to drip down onto the hem of my pants. But even though it burned, it didn't...hurt. If something else were to cause this I would have cried out in pain. But doing this myself, it was like something in my mind turned on and I felt like I NEEDED more. I loved it, the burning, and I began sliding the metal sloppily back and forth across my hip, my vision causing all the lines to blur together.

I felt like there wasn't any more room on this side but I still wanted more, and after attempting to wipe them clean with my bare hand I moved to the other side. But this time it wasn't for me. This was for all the times I had gotten my hopes up for Alan, just to be let down. For all the times I had been jealous of Kaitlyn and for stupidly loving my best friend. I just wanted to keep going, but had to force myself to stop at about sixty slits, overlapping.  

With both hips bleeding I stepped out of my pants to climb into the shower that would wash away all the evidence. But it couldn't wash away the damage.