I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

This place was depressing and that's all there is to it. I can't stand my apartment, I need to get out. So I was going grocery shopping.
Purse not included. 
  It was only when I opened my cupboards to find them empty that I realized I hadn't been shopping in weeks. 
  I had been spending so much time out of the house that I had forgotten. Not that I needed food here while I was gone anyway. 

  I parked my car in front of the store and went inside, just looking around. Looking around just lead to thinking and walking aimlessly through the store. 

  I needed to go somewhere. Somewhere different- different meaning not-my-apartment. But I wasn't really sure if I wanted to get that apartment down the hall from Austin. 

  I wasn't sure if I wanted to be so close to him all the time. Because lately, I couldn't tell the boundaries between 'just friends' and 'flirting'. And that kind of scared me. 
But what scared me more is that I couldn't exactly promise myself that I didn't have ...feelings, for Austin. 
Or that I thought he was perfect. And that he turned me on with the simplest gestures. Or that I wouldn't mind making out with him again- not drunk. 

But maybe it was just that we were always together. Maybe it was too much contact messing with my head.  Or even, the lack of contact, if you know what I mean. 

"That'll be $10.50." 

"Huh? Oh, sorry." 

I handed the cashier the money, picking up my bag of easy food like pop-tarts and French fries.
 Food of royalty, trust me. 
I mean, you can live off of solely potatoes, so why not? 

I sighed, opening my car door and dropping the bag onto the passenger seat. 

If I wasn't going to take that apartment, where was I going? Because I am damn sure that I'm getting out of mine. I don't know why I've stayed there so long in the first place. 

After a few minutes of driving I'd come to the thought of my parents and when I had moved out of their house to get my own place. That'd been kind of hard, but I was eager to start my own life. I kinda missed them right now. 
  I hadn't seen them in a while, first being on tour and second just being home in general. Maybe I'd visit them for a while. 
And maybe that's just what I needed- to get out of this whole city in general. That'd give me plenty time and space to clear my head. Because what I seemed to be doing wasn't fair to Austin, who was just so nice and giving and such a go-along-with-it kind of guy. I couldn't take advantage of him like that. 

-&- 

"One second!" 

I waited until the door was opened, flashing a smile. 

"Alan! What are you doing here?" He laughed. 

"Hi Austin." 
He looked so cute, a spoon in his hand and little flecks of flower under his eye where he had probably scratched, forgetting his hands were covered in it.  And not to mention his pink apron, reading "kiss the cook." 
I'd like to take it up on that offer sometime. 
I shook my head. 
That's not what you're here for, Alan. 

"What are you doing?" I laughed, looking at the mess he'd made on the counter and noting the upbeat music coming from the living room. 

"I'm making cookies!" 

"And listening to Katy Perry?" I walked in, closing the door behind me. 
He scratched at his head, looking around. 

"Um...yeah, Aaron m-might have rubbed off on me a little." He grinned, returning to the bowl he must have been stirring before I had knocked. 

"So, I was wondering..." 

"Yeah?" He looked at me over his shoulder. 
I chickened out at the last second, thinking of what I could ask now instead. I couldn't tell him just yet. 

"Why does your apartment always look and smell like Christmas?" 
Good enough. 

"Psshhh why wouldn't it? Christmas is the best!" 

"Because it's only September." I laughed, sliding the salt shaker back and forth between my hands, sitting at the white-tile table. 

"I know, it's lame. But I just like the mood of Christmas. Like the smells and the lights and it's just a warm feeling, you know?" 

I nodded, chewing at my bottom lip. 

"That's why you've got those white Christmas lights in your room?"

"That's it, my boy." He laughed. 
We were both quiet until the cookies were in the oven and Austin was seated across the table from me. I waited patiently until then by watching him, tracing my eyes along his tattooed skin where it showed around his shirt. 

I cleared my throat, putting the things on the table back in their places, where I had been moving them around. 
"Hey Austin?" 

He looked up from his phone. 

"Yeah?" 

"I've been thinking... And uh, I think I'm gonna go live with my parents. Just for a little while, cause I haven't spent much time with them lately, or really...seen them," I trailed off. 

And I was kind of scared now, because he was just sitting, staring at me with a blank expression. 

"Oh." I could see him swallow, looking down to where he was fidgeting with his hands. 

"Yeah..." 

"F-for how long?" His eyes looked impossibly more worried. 

"I'm not really sure, but it won't be too long. And I'll still talk to you." I smiled, hoping it'd brighten the mood a little, but I just got a small frown in return. 
The whole situation made me feel like a kid in school all over again, breaking the news to my friends. 
"Oh...okay. Have a good time." He half heartedly smiled, but I could tell he meant what he said. I could also tell he didn't want to mean it.

 "I hope I will." I smiled back, just a little. What I really meant was, I hope I don't regret it. 
  Of course I couldn't tell him why I was really leaving, that'd just be weird. Because even if I actually had a crush or whatever on him (crush made me feel like some teenage girl) I don't think anything would ever come of it. Because we were just friends and besides, he was MARRIED to a woman. If that doesn't scream 'straight' I don't know what does. 
  Except he had divorced her. Maybe that meant... 
Shut up Alan. 

  "Do you want one?" 
Austin's voice jumped me out of my thoughts, asking me if I wanted one of the cookies he had made. 
  I had apparently been zoning out, thinking to myself for longer than I thought. 
  "Uh, of course." I smiled, taking it from him. 
In all honesty, I wasn't hungry at all any more, but I wasn't passing up Austin's baking considering I probably wouldn't have it for a while. And-nobody tell her I said this- Austin's cooking miiiight have been just a little better than my moms. 
Just a little. 

And I couldn't say no to him anyway, not with the face he was looking at me with. 
  I took the cookie and he set the tray back on the counter. 

"So uh, w-when are you leaving?" 
He sat on top of the counter, his long legs still almost touching the ground. 

  "Well, I called my mom on my way here, actually. So I just have to tell the land lord and see if I can go tomorrow." 

"Really?" He sounded really surprised and I don't blame him, I had kind of surprised myself with all of this. 

"You're leaving so soon?" 

"Yeah. Spur of the moment kind of thing." 

I heard him sigh 'oh' then we were quiet again. 
Until Austin spoke up. 

"Well, if you're leaving tomorrow, we've gotta make tonight great!" 

His words sent 50 thoughts a second through my head. What did he mean, great? 
Sex? Drugs? More Christmas spirit? A bar? 

"Hah, what do you mean?" I gave him a wary look. 

"Hmm...how about..." I let him think for a bit. 

"Aha! We can get all of our favorite movies, I can make some snacks or we can go to the store, whichever you want. We'll have a movie night. But we'll make it fun." 
 
 "That sounds...perfect." I smiled. "I think it's almost dark enough we can go right now." 
I think if ':D' were a real face, that would be the both of us right now. 
  Austin (sadly) took of his provocative apron and got his shoes on, holding the door open for me. 

 "Why thank you, sir." I teased. 
 "Very welcome, lady." He teased back. 
 He was so cute, dressed in his super-baggy sweat pants and t-shirt, his shoes (actually slippers) scuffing along the hallway. 
  
"Nice shoes." I smiled. 

"Comfort over quality." 
I laughed, stepping into the truck.

-&- 

"You're not gonna be too scared, are you?" Austin winked at me as he slid  the DVD in it's player. 

"Oh, goodness no. Not with you here to protect me." I smiled and batted my eyelashes teasingly. He laughed and shuffled his way over to sit next to me, our concoction of snacks sat between us. 
We had made a trailmix of sorts, throwing in candies and packaged cookies (even though I had insisted we use the ones he made) and popcorn and chips. 
Him being settled, I pushed myself back comfortably into the couch, waiting for the screen to light up the room.