I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

I really, really, really hope she doesn't go tomorrow. I feel so horrible thinking of her so badly, but I can't help it. 
God, it's hot out. I wish I could just take my shirt off, but then- my truck would be cool so I'd be fine. I couldn't wait, even though I didn't want to leave. 

"I'll see you later, Al?" he turned to look at me, confused. 
"You can stay if you want, you know. You don't have to leave, and Kait's at work, so I'll just be home alone until she gets back."
Kait's at work? Score. I smiled at him, closing my truck door. 

"Yeah, I-I'll stay, if you, uh...you don't mind." I stuttered again, dammit. I usually don't stutter as much around Alan, I just felt so comfortable with him it seemed to help. But also, sometimes it made me stutter even more, but that wasn't very often. Either way, I hated it. I probably sound so stupid when it happens, it must get annoying to other people. 
"No, not at all. Come on." He made his way inside with me close behind, practically running up the stair to get to his cool apartment.

 I was glad to be out of the smothering heat. I went straight to the sink to get a cup of water, where I spotted a bottle of wine leaning against the counter wall. The memory of last night flooded through my thoughts, and I wondered if Alan remembered kissing me. Probably not, he was pretty drunk, so I decided to keep it to myself. Then again, so was I but I could never forget something like that.

 For a few hours we sat around doing pretty much nothing, but not even 'nothing' was boring when I was with Alan. I didn't want to leave, but then Kaitlyn got home from work and I got extremely uncomfortable with her there. She made me feel claustrophobic and scared at the same time, which I was neither of those. I just wanted to get away from her, her presence annoyed me but it was even worse when I was with Alan. I felt really defensive around her, not to mention- jealous. But on the bright side, Alan asked her if she was going to the party tomorrow and she said no, and that she was going out with friends. Well, after Alan explained that it would just be a bunch of (half or not) naked guys running around and playing pranks on each other and drinking. She also said that kind of party didn't interest her, and I had to laugh at that because, hey, it didn't count unless you saw a nipple right? Or something like that. That applied to this situation right? Either way, I was definitely going now. 

-&- 

So here I was, standing at my bathroom mirror, fixing myself up again. I had just gotten out of the shower, and was finishing brushing my teeth when my free hand brushed across my hip, flinching at the rough patch of skin there. I had totally forgotten about the cuts until now. I ran my hands over the raised lines, sighing. I regretted doing it now, now that I was going to a party where I'd be expected to take my shirt off. Especially since it was a 'pool party' which pretty much just meant there was an optional pool. I just hoped they wouldn't take too long to heal. I felt so stupid for doing this, but yet, there was a part of me that thought that maybe, if given reason, I'd do it again. 

No. No, no more. I /won't/ do it again, that was that I decided, and I had to finish getting ready.
This time I wore an un-cut tanktop, rather than the longer sleeved shirts I'd been wearing the past few days and had practically cooked myself in. I wanted to wear a cut one, but again, there was another thing the lines on my hips had ruined for me. I definitely wasn't doing that again. 

&

  When I got there at 8:00 like Alex had told me, the first thing I did was find Jack. We ended up talking for a little while, but then found his attention was needed somewhere else, and walked away after I wished him a happy birthday accompanied by a hug. I wondered if Alan was here yet, but decided to just look for him instead of texting him. The place was huge, pretty much a mansion. But that was acceptable, considering the whole band lived here when they weren't on the road. But it was weird, the whole place was practically sparkling clean- not that it would be for long. But it was weird seeing their house like this, knowing the way they lived. I'll just say they throw damn good parties. But jeesh, I was hardly ever home and my place wasn't even this clean. I decided it was probably just for the occasion, and moved on towards the kitchen where I found Alan, leaning against the marble counter along with some other guys. When he caught sight of me he raised his hand, waving me over and as I advanced I heard one of the guys whistle, another yelling "hey, there's Alan's boyfriend!" 
I fucking wish. I could feel the blood beginning to rush to my cheeks as they all laughed, myself included. 

"C'mere and gimme a kiss." Alan puckered his lips dramatically, joking, but I surprised him when I leaned down and licked his cheek. He wiped at it with the hem of his shirt, exclaiming "ew!" and I could feel my abs tightening from laughing so hard. 

"I'll get you back, don't worry." 
I gasped, putting on a horrified face. "Oh, no! Please no!" He shook his head, laughing, and punched me lightly in the side, then made his way through the kitchen door. I followed him out and found that this door lead to the pool. It was an indoor, and two of the four walls surrounding it were made entirely of glass, looking out to their back yard which was bigger than most around here. It was fucking amazing. 

Everything in the house was either white or glass and I really liked how it looked. I'd like to have a house like this someday. 
I heard yelling coming from behind me and turned to find Alex standing behind a stand which held the cake, his arm around Jack's shoulders.

"Were getting this shit over with so we can party! So, if you want some cake, just get it. But, I don't think you'll want it after this dick's been in it!" He grinned, and I saw Jack turn to look at his friend, confused.

"What do you-" He was cut off as Alex lifted his hand to the back of his head and pushed it down into the cake, covering Jack's face (and hair) in frosting. Jack looked back up at him, his jaw hanging open, and scooped a handful of the cake to fling at Alex's face.Alex laughed, grabbed some more, and screamed "FOOD FIGHT." 

Everyone rushed for the table of food, grabbing whatever they could find to fling about the room. I ended up grabbing a few cupcakes, Alan right by my side. After flinging a few into the swarm of bodies covered in food, I turned and pulled Alan in by his shoulders. I grinned, and pushed the small cake into his face, sliding it right down the center.  He gasped, flinching back. I laughed and leaned in to kiss his nose, feeling the frosting rub off on me. But he was turning on me now, and I ran through the crowd to the other side of the pool. He was right on my back so I stopped, feeling him run into me. 

Then I closed my eyes shut tight, seeing his hand coming for my face. He'd wiped the cake off his face only to spread it across mine and I laughed, clearing my eyes. He was laughing too, as he tugged on the side if my shirt, wanting me to jump in the pool after him. He dove in, splashing my legs. I was about to throw my shirt off when I remembered-that I couldn't take my shirt off. And stupid me, wearing a white shirt that was see-through when wet. 

No, I'm not letting this ruin my fucking night. Right now I couldn't care less who saw, because right now, all that mattered to me was that I got to spend time with Alan. I slid my jeans off, leaving them right on the tile floor, and jumped into the water. 

I looked down to where the cloth of my shirt clung to my body, and sure enough, you could see the dark red lines crisscrossing over my hips through the thin material. In a bit of panic I pulled the shirt away from my skin, looking up to Alan. He lifted his gaze from where mine had just been and it felt like a black cloud was filling my vision. Had he seen? Shit. No, he couldn't have seen, no. If he had I was screwed. 

"W-what?" I asked, with my mouth feeling like it was full of cotton. 
"Nothing... You all right?" 
Thank God, he must not have seen. It felt like I could breathe again, I hadn't even realized I'd been holding my breath. I breathed a laugh, sinking down in the water.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" I asked, sitting back on the seat along the side of the pool. 
"Just wondering." he sat down next to me, pulling a cup off of the side of the pool. I'm pretty sure he had no idea who's it was, but he downed it, setting the cup back in its place. I didn't feel like getting out either so I just did as Alan had, taking the cups off the edge. Everyone had left them here when they'd gone to throw food at eachother, and there was plenty here.

 So, about half an hour of talking to Alan later, for the third time this week, I was completely hammered. 

We had both been silent for a little while, just sitting, watching everyone else party around us. My legs were falling asleep in the cool water, and as I shifted on the seat my leg brushed against Alan's and it sent chills up my spine. But when I flinched away, Alan surprised me by sliding over to lean against me. I suppressed a smile as his arm made it's way around my back, holding the side of my shirt tightly. Taking advantage if the moment, I pulled him tightly to me, unsure until I felt his head rest on my shoulder. 

"Austin?" He spoke rather quietly, as I looked down on him.
"Yeah, Al?" I rested my cheek atop his head.
"I... I don't want to go home."

"You're just gonna stay here tonight?" I asked. 
"No, that's not what I mean. Can I go to your place?" He turned to look up at me, his eyes red and tired. For someone that did so little, he got tired real fast. 
"Of course you can. Want me to drive you? And we can get your car tomorrow?" He wasn't exactly fit to drive, neither was I, but I was still the better candidate. He nodded, releasing his grip on my shirt to stand and leave the water. 

I followed right after, then spent the time looking for Alex to ask if he had towels. After drying off, we both got in my truck and we went back to my place, where Alan insisted on sleeping in my bed. Well I couldn't complain, especially when he'd rolled over to snuggle close to me. Knowing he was asleep, I rested my own arm over his waist and drifted off.