But Loving Him Was Red...

[10 Days Later]

“I can’t believe how much you bought for her,” I smiled, pushing the hatchback down to his Evoque and watched him shutting the backdoor. “I mean, she’s turning three in April,” He, I swear bought out the entire store. He spent a good chunk of money on her, and bought some decorations for the house, but most of it was for her.

I still had to do my own Christmas shopping, for him, and for Lucia.

Sidney asked us to go to his house for Christmas, but I still wanted there to be some stuff for her when we get back on Boxing Day. My parents sent her stuff, and so did Farrah but they wouldn’t arrive until after Christmas.

“She’s my baby,” Sidney smiled, twirling his keys around his finger. “Besides, I want to make this Christmas good, it’s the first we’ll have together,” I frowned, and slowly moved my way to the passenger seat. I knew he was going to say that.

It was true, this was their first Christmas together and I even wanted it to be good because of that. I doubted Lucia would even care, but still part of me wanted her to know that we were in this together, raising her together.

I weakly smiled, pulling my seatbelt across and fastened it. “I know you do,” I looked up at him. “I want it to be good, but you don’t need to go into debt to show her that you love her,” He gave me a sideways glance. Even I knew that purchase barely put a dent in his contract, but still. She’s two. “Sidney, I don’t want her to expect tones of stuff from you,”

“Why?” He started to get defensive. I could feel it. “Emily, she’s my kid, and I’ve been saving since I got my contract, money is not an issue, and if I want to spoil my daughter, I fucking will,” He started the engine. “What is the issue?”

“What’s the issue?” I repeated, while he nodded his head and looked angrily at me. The car wasn’t moving, we were still in the mall parking lot. “Sidney, I don’t want my daughter to think that money grows on fucking trees,”

“News flash, without me, you wouldn’t even have her,” Sidney grumbled. “I make well over 10 mil a year, so let me worry about the finances,” Wait, he thinks because he makes all this money, that he’s Mr. Bigshot and I should do what he says?

“Sidney, you think because you make all this money, that you are the boss?” I spouted into the air, not even waiting for my brain to filter it. “Look brah, I came from money, I have money, I don’t need your money,” I pushed my finger into his chest. “I appreciate all you do, please don’t take this as I don’t,” I smiled, patting his shoulder. “But I don’t want my- our daughter to grow up thinking that whatever she wants, she gets. I was raised that way and I am the biggest brat, the most selfish person,” Saying ‘our’ daughter now, instead of ‘my’ was going to take work on my part.

He smiled, placing a hand on my knee. “Emily, you are far from selfish. You have a big heart,” My cheeks instantly heated up. Why was I blushing? “Let me take care of my daughter, I want her to have everything she needs,”

“I just don’t want her to be a spoiled brat, you know those kids in the movies that everyone hates,” I frowned. “I don’t want that for her,”

“Em, those are just movies,” He laughed. “Were you hated in school?” AH, because I was a brat, I get it. How do I explain that I slept with a lot of the people in school and partied with them?

“Uhm…” I itched the back of my head. “Well, you see… I partied a lot in school and I uhm…” I cleared my throat. Sidney gave me a look, scratching his chin. “The girls didn’t like me that much, but the guys sure did,”

“Why?” His voice showed he didn’t really want to know the answer to this question, but part of me felt he had the right to know.

“Apparently sleeping with their boyfriends was a huge turn off for them,” I put my hands out. Sidney quickly looked over at me. “If I had a boyfriend then, I’d probably be paying for it,” I tried to make a joke out of it, but Sidney wasn’t laughing. Does he have to be Mr. Serious all the time?

“You…” Sidney raised a finger and pointed at me. “You… slept with peoples boyfriends?”

“Yes, and this one girls husband,” I dug at my nails. “It’s not a big deal,”

“Not a big deal?” He repeated, like it was some kind of taboo. “You broke up relationships, and you were young,”

“So? I had no attention at home,” I frowned. “I wanted someone to pay attention to me. Sure, I went about it the wrong way, and believe me, I feel bad about it now, but…” I sighed. “Then I was on cloud nine, I had friends,” When you are used to being ignored and pushed to the side, you really will do anything it takes to gain attention from others. Even if it means sleeping with guys to get attention, making amateur porn, dancing naked on tables… anything.

“Emily, you slept with a bunch of people and broke up relationships,” Why did he sound like he was judging me? Why was he judging me? Here I am, pouring my heart out to him and telling him something I haven’t really told anyone and he’s judging me.

“You and I weren’t together then, I smartened up when I met you,” I frowned. “And before you ask, no, I never slept with anyone when we were together,” He gave me disbelieving look and I knew that things were not okay with us and they probably never will be. He remained silent. “I was a kid then, Sidney, you have no right to judge me, please tell me you never slept with one of your friends girlfriends?”

His cheeks blushed. “No,” He shrank lower in his seat. “I, uhm… I didn’t lose it until I was 22,” He looked over at me. “I’ve only slept with three people in life, you, Carly and this girl on the road, I lied to you at the zoo,” What? He was 22. HE was 22 when we got together… I didn’t… take his… did I?

“Why did you lie to me?” I gasped out a breath that I had been holding in. My heart was racing.

“Excuse me, why did you lie to me? You told me I was the first one to prance in your fields, but I guess they already been trampled,” He wore a smug expression.

“What am I tainted meat now?” I glared harshly in his direction. “I knew you would never want to be with me, if I told you the truth, because you would think I was tainted. It’s okay for the guy to have numerous amounts of sex, he’s a hero, but a girl does it and she’s tainted,”

“That’s not what I mean, Emily,” He sighed. “Look, all I know is we really weren’t truthful with each other,”

“Sidney,” I had to know. He looked at me. “Were you a virgin when we got together?” Instantly his face turned red and he nervously looked into his lap, slowly nodding his head. Tears filled my eyes.

“Ohmygod,” I slowly moved away from him. I had no idea I was his first…

“Well,” He looked up at me. “There was a girl in high school, we tried to hook up; I was 16 and well…” He coughed loudly. “We tried, but I freaked out, because I didn’t really like this girl, and I had no idea what I was doing and I just panicked and ran out,”

“But,” I smiled. “You weren’t a real virgin when we got together, right?” He gave me a look and I frowned. “But, you knew what you were doing,” He did though. He seemed to know all the ins and outs. He was better than the guys I had hooked up with previously. I was starting to think it was so good because it was sex with the same person.

“I thought it was like the blind leading the blind, I followed what you were doing,” He blushed, looking up at me. I was starting to see him in a different light. “You can judge me if you want, it’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I was 22, I should’ve done it by then, but I felt better about it knowing you hadn’t either,” I didn’t know what to say. What do you say? I went to open my mouth when he stuck his hand up. “Emily, can we just go back to before we knew this stuff? I liked knowing you hadn’t slept with a lot of people,”

“I liked it better knowing I didn’t take your…” I started, watching his cheeks blush again. He was so cute with his cheeks all pink. “Let’s just go back,” We shook on it and Sidney restarted the engine and drove out of the lot.

I couldn’t believe he was a real virgin when we got together, it just seemed so hard to believe. He knew what he was doing. I hate that this stuff come out now…