But Loving Him Was Red...

“Lucia, use your spoon,” I smiled, pushing it towards her at the kitchen table. She insisted on sticking her face in her cereal bowl every morning.

It was cute, and I had to videotape but eventually I knew she’d be using her spoon. She was sitting at the kitchen table, on a chair with a booster seat, after she got too big for her highchair.

I heard a knock on the door and I looked at the figure standing on my porch. Who the fuck was here at this hour? It was only 8:15AM, but still.

I set my spoon down next to my cereal bowl and hurried to the door. Lucia was off her chair, her spoon clutched in her grip following behind me. I unlocked the door and pulled it open as Sidney came walking in, carrying his duffel bag.

“Hey Em, how’s it going?” He knelt down to face Lucia. “Hey punkin, here’s something for after breakfast,” He slid a chocolate bar into her hand. “Don’t tell your Mother,” She gave him a hug and then hurried off into the kitchen.

I watched her climb onto the kitchen chair and set the bar down beside her bowl.

“Sidney,” I giggled, watching him stand up. “I doubt you drove all the way over here just to bring Loosh a chocolate bar,” I shut the door behind him as he walked further into the house. I hadn’t seen him in over a week, but it was nice to see him.

“You got me,” He laughed, digging a paper out of his back pocket. “I want to go to court,”

I felt my heart begin aching as all the color drained from my face. “I’m sorry, I know I should’ve told you about her,” I frowned as the tears rolled down my cheeks. “But please don’t take her from me,”

He stepped up to me and put both hands on my shoulders. “No, no, that’s not what I’m trying to do,” He explained himself. “I think you are a fantastic mother Emily, and I should’ve just not been a selfish jackass,” He sighed. “I just… I missed out on two years of her life and I want joint custody with you, I need to make this up to her,”

I felt guilty because no matter how you spun the dice, it was my fault. Sidney didn’t need to blame himself, it was mine. “I think joint custody would be a good idea, you deserve to see her too,” He showed me his schedule as we sat down in the living room at the coffee table. I got my calendar off the wall.

“So, you know how hectic my schedule is,” He spoke, scribbling on the edges of his paper. “And it’s 10 xs more hectic because I do 3 hours at the gym three days a week,”

“I noticed, your biceps are like rock hard now,” I blurted out, watching him look over at me. I knew there was something still there between us and with Lucia, it’d never go away. I couldn’t even explain how bad I wanted us back, so we wouldn’t have to figure out a joint custody schedule.

“You should feel my abs,” He spoke, as his cheeks blushed and he looked back at his schedule. He nervously cleared his throat. I looked him over, and saw that he was larger in the chest, under his blue t-shirt. I refrained myself from reaching over and touching his abs. “Anyway, uhm, I could aim for like twice a week, and as you know, it would generally be different days each week. I have a three day road trip next week; and then two home games back to back, so I could probably take her on Saturday and bring her back Monday, probably early because I’m at the rink for 730” He started scribbling in the boxes he made in the corner. “But then, I have a date with Carly, Sunday night, so I could drop her off before the date… or bring her on the date,”

“I’m sorry, Carly?” I asked, smiling bitch like at him. “If you are honestly going to bring my daughter on a date with some girl…” He cut me off with his goonish grin. Was I seriously jealous over the girl? Or mad that he’s bringing my daughter on a date with some stranger?

He started laughing and patted my shoulder. “Carly is a girl I met this morning, she’s like 23, I thought we could have like a play date,” Was he serious?

“Whatever, do what you got to do,” I stood up and walked into the kitchen, trying not to let my emotions show.

Lucia was finished eating her cereal, but had a book out at the table and was eating bits and pieces of the chocolate bar Sid gave her.

She couldn’t read that well yet, but she liked looking at the pictures.

“Are you jealous?” Sid asked, walking in the kitchen behind me. I turned and spun right into his chest. “Because, if you are, I won’t go on the date,”

“Sid, it doesn’t matter if I am or not, you are taking my daughter around a fucking stranger,” I instantly lost my cool. “Ohmygod, are you using my daughter to pick up chicks? That is fucking low!” I tugged at the ends of my hair and began spouting in Sweden what kind of low jackass he is for doing what he was doing and exactly how jealous I really was. Was he really done with us?

“Uhm, Emily,” Sidney tapped my shoulder. I turned back and looked up at him. “I don’t know exactly what the hell you just said, but I can sense you have a problem with me going on a date, and just to put this out there… She’s my daughter too,”

“Yes and you are using our daughter to pick up chicks,” I frowned, putting my hands through my hair. “Look, I don’t care if you whore yourself around, but try not to do it in front of Lucia,”

He tightened his features. “Whore myself? You… you think I’m whoring myself?” He laughed, before glaring at me. “Excuse me, just letting yah know, it’s been like two years since I’ve went on a date, you were the first real girlfriend I ever actually had, no one else put up with my schedule the way that you did,” He sighed. “Look, I’m 24 and I don’t need your permission,”

“Whatever Sid, I’m done here, you go on the date with Carly, you bring Lucia, you don’t, I could give a rats furry ass what you do, you’re not my boyfriend anymore,” I pushed past him into the living room to grab the bin of laundry lying by the TV. “Who knows maybe I’ll take Seth up on his offer for dinner,” I had picked Lucia up from daycare the other day and Seth invited me out on a childless dinner date and I told him I’d check my schedule but I wasn’t actually going to say yes… “Hmm… maybe when you are on your little play date, I’ll go on a date,”

Sid sat down beside me. “Whatever, you’re not actually going on a date, are you?”

“Yeah, Seth is pretty hot, and he’s 29,” I pointed out, folding the clothes into my respective piles that were underwear, workout, jeans, shorts, t-shirts, tanks, sweaters and towels. Was I actually playing this like a game with him? Faking a date just to get him pissed off and jealous.

“You’re 19,” He pointed out, like it was law that I shouldn’t be doing anything like that. I couldn’t tell if it was working.

“I’m legal,” I pointed back, watching him cringe.

“Fine, but don’t bring my daughter around him,” He got up and began putting his stuff back in his duffel bag..

“Uhm, his daughter and ours go to daycare together, so they’ve met, where’d you meet Carly? Hooters?” I spat, wearing a smug looking smile across my face.

He glared over his shoulder. “Starbucks, she was there with her nephew,”

“Does she work at hooters?” I just wouldn’t let this go. I was so angry and upset that he’d consider going on a date with someone when I’m right here waiting for him to pick me back up and dust me off.

“No. She’s a dance instructor,” He sighed, scribbling something in the corner of his schedule.

“At a strip club?”

“Emily, please…” He rolled his eyes and handed me the schedule he wrote out. “I’ll be here Saturday to pick her up; can you have her ready for noon?”

“No problem,” I waved as he turned and headed out the door, letting it shut behind him. Once it closed, I expelled a large breath and collapsed back in the chair.