He Doesn't Understand; He Never Will.
one.
your unforgettable love, final tears
rip my whole heart apart, rip it apart
minho opens his eyes and watches as taemin moves across the dance floor, growing – always growing. one day, he knows taemin will catch up to him, and he doesn’t know – maybe it’s just him – but he feels as though he might just get left behind. it’s only been a little more than two years since they’ve debuted, and already, taemin can move freely on his own. he still remembers that young blood with the big innocent eyes and the all-too sweet smile.
without any thoughts
i walk to wherever my heart goes
he stands from where he’s sitting on the floor of the practice room and makes his way over to taemin – to fix the string hanging out of his shirt he tells himself. as soon as his hands touch the hem of taemin’s shirt, the latter turns in shock and stares up at him with wide eyes. minho can almost see their past in them but taemin steps back, away from him, and raises an eyebrow.
“what are you doing, hyung?”
i just stand in place
“i was just going to-“ he starts, pointing at the white thread that dangles from his shirt.
“i can do it.” taemin turns away from him and goes on to speak to kibum about something maybe important. he never touches the hem of his shirt.
you tapped my lonely shoulder and hid
why are you not there, why can I not see
minho sits quietly in the front seat, flipping through the songs in his ipod to play in the car. his eyes scan the titles and the memories while listening to the other members be loud in the back – listening to taemin be grown up and outspoken. he finally chooses one song and his thumb presses the play button. the soft melody filters in through the speakers of the car and he leans back on the seat. before his rap part can even start, a hand reaches out from the back and presses the next button.
he frowns and turns but he can hardly see because taemin’s face is so close to his, eyes narrowed and mouth set into a thin line. he doesn’t recognize this face at all – who is this – and his eyes continue to search the other’s eyes but all too suddenly, he’s pulling back and telling the others that the song was ‘just too sad and heartbreaking’.
minho faces forward again and watches as road disappears under their car. he stares down at his ipod and thinks ’it is, isn’t it?’
i can’t erase you from my heart
what do I do?
he waits quietly for his turn to go on the obstacle course and he needs to win – the team depends on him, but all he can think about ismaybe if he were here… just like before, then-. he hears the sound alarm for an elimination and his heart sinks because that’s one less member from their team. he doesn’t have the strength to give his sympathies to the eliminated member – he needs to focus on his own victory for the time being.
all too soon it’s his turn, but he’s not ready. he steps up to the beginning platform, holding a hand over his heart to calm himself down.
“ready,”
he bends his knees and schools his features into that gaze that people have grown to know and somehow love and hate at the same time. he hears the start signal and his legs take him far and fast, going over cushioned set pieces and diving through padded holes. he hears his heart beating in his ears way too loud and he tries not to listen.
he’s finally on his way back and he jumps up to grab the monkey bars above him, but he thinks he hears a soft voice in his ear telling him it just won’t work and he feels the metal slipping from his gloved fingers. he takes a quick glance at the people watching but he doesn’t see the flash of auburn he was hoping for and so he falls into the pit.
he can vaguely hear the elimination signal because all he can hear is ’it just won’t work – we can’t do this, hyu-‘
“how do you feel minho, getting eliminated?”
he breathes heavily, echoed by the microphone shoved in his face, and answers with a hoarse voice “it just didn’t work.”
in the photos,
it still looks like i’m your love
his fingers clutch at the only photo he holds just as much as his family picture one quiet night. he’s standing there a whole year younger and a whole heart fuller. even he can see the happiness in his own eyes from the picture, but what startles him is the equal amount of happiness he sees in taemin’s eyes. they stare at each other and he can’t believe he didn’t know they were falling apart.
he looks up from the photo and he could almost see the bunk beds they used to have across the room – taemin curled up under his blankets, whispering and giggling with jinki hyung in the dark room until kibum shushes them and tells them to go to sleep. taemin looks apologetic for a moment but he gives jinki one last look and a quiet laugh before he moves to turn over. taemin’s eyes meet his and he wants to call out to him. taemin gives him a small smile before jonghyun’s torso comes into his view, waving a hand in front of his face. he blinks and looks up, staring at the older member.
“it’s time for dinner, come eat. you haven’t been eating properly.”
minho wonders when he’s been this concerned but decides against asking and nods instead. he tucks the photo back in the book he used to read every night and finish every week and places it on his bedside table.
still i have romantic in my heart
i want to go back
he takes a seat across from kibum and next to jinki. looks are passed around from each other to him, and he can feel it. he grips his utensils in his right hand and picks them up slowly – each metal piece a heavy weight in his palm.
“are you okay?” jinki asks him and he nods almost immediately – he doesn’t have to think of the answer. he is okay. he needs to be okay. he wants to be okay.
they continue eating because even they want to believe that he’s okay and he knows that too. he puts food into his mouth and chews without bothering to look twice at what he was putting in his mouth. he’ll remember what it tastes like later on, when he’s finished eating maybe, and even in eating he’s still always a little bit too late.
taemin looks at him but he can’t look back – he has his own fears. he’s scared he’ll see something like disappointment in his eyes and maybe just a little bit of disgust because this is not the minho he knows. minho agrees – he doesn’t know who he is anymore either.
“hyung, try this,” he says and passes him a dish which he accepts gratefully and fills a quarter of his plate with it. he passes it back and he starts putting it in his mouth. the others are staring at him and he can’t figure out why until he finally tastes what taemin gave him.
he hates this. he’s never eaten this before. never. he hates it.
“you’re not okay.”
he wants to stand and run to the bathroom, but he can only look at taemin and swallow.
i’m so afraid that i’ll see you with the perfect person
in a place where our memories deeply lie
minho keeps his heart worn on his sleeve, this much he knows from what people have told him. he doesn’t think it’s much of a big deal that people can see how he really feels, but in moments like these, he wishes he thought otherwise.
taemin’s moving around the dorm, phone pressed to his ear and a smile plastered on his face. he can hear bits and pieces of his conversation. ‘-park three blocks from here——not-‘, ‘—later—-we’re busy—-“,”—-i miss you.” minho knows that it’s not that kind of conversation, but he can’t help but be afraid. it’s hard to keep a nervously beating heart quiet and secret.
he knows the park he’s talking about. he knows it really well. it’s where he used to go for a walk and a place where he can just stop and think. for a while, taemin followed him there, enjoying the silence with him and he didn’t mind.
when taemin finishes their conversation, he smiles and asks, “who was that?” for the sake of reassurance. but taemin blinks at him and doesn’t answer for a while.
“no one.”
taemin goes into the room he shares with kibum and jinki and leaves him with the loud, nervous heart.
if it’s not you, i can’t go on
minho was raised to listen before speaking, to just observe before taking action. he’s always lived by this teaching and it’s never failed him before. but now, he can’t help himself. he reaches out and grabs taemin’s wrist and takes him aside for a few short stolen minutes.
“hyung, why-“
“i just… i just need to know.”
“i already told you,” taemin looks at him exasperatedly and looks around to see if anyone can hear.
“it doesn’t make sense.” minho wants to beg, but he doesn’t think he’s ready to lose everything yet.
“i just don’t want to-“
“are you scared?”
“are you? are you scared of letting me go?”
“of course i-“
“don’t be afraid. i’ll always be here, just not the way you want me to be. you’ll find-“
“i won’t find someone else.” his words almost get stuck in his throat but he swallows down the pain.
“how do you know that?”
“i’ve tried.”
your warmth, your face
i can still feel them in my embrace
that night, he walks to the park and hides himself in the plastic castle. he leans back on the yellow plastic and feels the cold press against his thin cotton shirt. he knows he shouldn’t be out so late and in such thin clothing – he could catch a cold.
he pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs. he doesn’t cry – he hasn’t cried in a while and he doesn’t plan on doing that soon. he lets the sky cry for him and soothe him with the rhythmic sounds of drops pitter-pattering on the roof of his castle. he closes his eyes and allows himself to be taken away by the sound and the mood of right here, right now.
taemin presses a kiss to his cheek and he feels his skin burn. they share a shy smile and look away from each other – awkward at best. he bites his lip and lifts his hand slowly before allowing it to cover taemin’s in a cliché way. his fingers curl around his hand and he smiles.
taemin looks up at him and grins as well. he pulls his hand free for a moment – minho frowns – and laces their fingers together between their thighs – minho smiles. they smile twice for the hosts, a hundred times for the cameras, a thousand times for the fans, and once for each other.
minho opens his eyes and the rain has stopped. he straightens his back and yawns, ignoring the painful crack that his spine makes. he looks at his watch and it reads ‘4:00 am’. he isn’t surprised and he isn’t worried either. they don’t have anything scheduled for that day, so he isn’t in a hurry.
he pulls his phone out from his pocket and curls in on himself some more because he’s starting to feel the cold.
343 missed calls. 829 new messages.
he’s surprised that his phone didn’t crash, but he starts scanning through the missed calls first. 59 are from kibum, 48 are from jonghyun, 80 are from jinki, 15 are from their manager, 20 are from donghae, 21 are from hyukjae, and 100 are from taemin. he doesn’t deny himself the little jump that his heart makes at this.
he doesn’t bother with the messages and decides to pocket the phone but it starts to ring again. he stares at the caller id – it’s taemin.
he shoves the phone back in his pocket and climbs out of the castle.
i’ve only been searching and wandering for your empty spot
please look at me
he gets a harsh scolding when he gets back and a few punches on the shoulder after. the only thing he gets from taemin is a staredown and a busted lip.
“he was really worried, you know,” jinki tells him, placing an ice pack on his forming bruise. “we all were.”
“sorry, hyung.”
he holds onto jinki’s wrist for a long moment. “i really am, hyung.”
jinki smiles at him and nods. “i know.”
minho nods silently – more to himself than to anyone else. he pulls the blanket closer around his shoulders and relishes in the warmth.
“hyung, can we talk?”
he looks up and only now does he notice that he’s been left alone to his thoughts. taemin stands before him and stares at the floor.
minho nods.
“we can.”
“why were you out so late? what were you doing out there? why weren’t you answering our calls?” taemin asks, plopping down on the couch next to minho, and crosses his arms, glaring at the floor.
minho doesn’t answer right away. he smiles sadly for a moment and curls up under the blanket.
“i was just looking.”
“for what?”
“for something i lost.”
“but where were you?”
“i know you know where i was.”
“if i did, we wouldn’t have had to worry so much.”
“you didn’t have to worry so much.”
taemin frowns “i don’t understand.”
minho thinks he never really will.
there’s more of you inside me than myself
two days after, donghae has him in the super junior waiting room, but only the two of them are in there. he doesn’t know what donghae promised the others for doing this and it kind of makes him want to laugh, were it not for the seriousness on donghae’s face.
“that wasn’t like you.”
minho feels like he’s being judged, like he’s being criticized.
“it wasn’t.”
“why’d you do it?”
minho wants to explain himself so badly. but how can he know why he does the things he does when he doesn’t even know who he is anymore.
“i don’t know.”
he stares at donghae and tries to get his sincerity across, but it doesn’t look like he’s buying it.
“that was really stupid. what if a fan had seen you, or worse, an anti-fan?”
he doesn’t answer and stares at his hands.
“i would’ve run,” he smiles to himself.
“what?”
“i would’ve run away. i’m pretty sure i can outrun them.”
”you can’t catch me, hyung!” taemin yells, running across the field.
“taemin, what are you doing, get back here!” kibum crosses his arms and orders minho to get him.
minho runs after the younger and easily catches up to him. they both laugh and run all the way back to kibum and jinki.
“what was that for?”
“i just felt like getting away. running’s the best way to get away, don’t you think?”
“and if you can’t outrun them?” donghae looks a little angry right now, because it was a stupid thing to do, and that was a stupid answer.
he thinks for a moment, listening to the faint hum of the broadcast playing in the tv behind him. he thinks of bony shoulders dancing up and down and soft lips curling into cluelessness.
“oh well.”
i don’t want to hurt you ever again
i want to be your man.
he figures he’s getting better. slowly and little by little, but he’s getting better. he knows. he doesn’t constantly think of taemin anymore. he doesn’t clutch that old photograph and stare at it all night long anymore.
he doesn’t know what brought this on, but if it finally means being okay, he’ll take it. he goes around the dorm now with an easy smile on his face. the others have noticed but they aren’t taking it the same way he is. if anything, they’re more wary of him now, asking him now and again if he was okay. he’d answer ‘yes’ and flash them a smile. he doesn’t understand the pain in their eyes when they look back at him. he thought they’d be happy now that he’s getting better.
“minho, what’s wrong?” kibum asks, already on the verge of crying, and grips his wrists a little painfully.
“nothing’s wrong,” he answers.
kibum lets go of his hands and walks away from him.
he doesn’t understand.
“minho hyung, why are you like this? tell me what’s wrong.” taemin asks him a few hours later in his and jonghyun’s room. he sighs heavily and shakes his head.
“i don’t see why you guys have to keep asking me. there’s nothing wrong with me.”
taemin stares at him and he knows he doesn’t believe him. just like how he didn’t believe the warm words that he said to him before.
tears build up in taemin’s eyes and he holds minho’s face.
“w-why are you crying?” he asks, holding the younger’s thin wrist.
two thumbs wipe at his cheeks and he feels moisture there he’s never felt before. taemin’s tears are falling and staining his shirt.
“taemin, why are you crying?” he asks and he doesn’t notice the crack in his voice. he hasn’t noticed for a while.
“because you cry and you don’t even notice. it’s’ hurting all of us. it hurts me.”
’why should it hurt you?’ he wants to ask taemin, ’you don’t care about me like that.’
and, for once, for the first time in a long time, he feels. he feels the tears that are spilling over from his eyes. he feels the swelling in his eyes. he feels his lips trembling. he feels his fingers digging into taemin’s skin. he feels his chest caving in on itself and crumbling down to the pit of his stomach.
“you don’t feel it. you don’t feel anymore, minho hyung. i’m sorry,” taemin sobs, still holding onto his face, wiping away the tears again and again.
he can’t find it in himself to speak. he watches taemin break apart in front of him, and he doesn’t know what to do. taemin hasn’t held him like this in a while.
“it’s my fault. i was scared. please, hyung, i hate seeing you like this.”
his mouth opens but only a strangled sob comes out as he buries his face in taemin’s shirt. he wraps his arms around his thin frame and shakes with each intake of breath.
i never wanted to make you cry.
he stays wrapped around taemin for a while, face buried in his shirt. he doesn’t hear taemin sobbing into his own hand and he doesn’t feel the tears that fall into his hair.
he understands now. he understands why the others have been staring, wondering. he understands the pain in kibum’s eyes.
and all it took was taemin – taemin to hold his face and cry for him.
i’m so pathetic for realizing it now
taemin tells him he’s over it now and he’s learned from it. taemin tells him that there’s no other – there never was another, and that he wants this. he isn’t sure how to answer and so stares quietly into his still wet eyes.
they sit in the plastic castle on the night after. their thighs touch and keep each other warm. minho has his arm around taemin’s shoulders and pulls him closer as rain pours down around them.
’it’s been raining a lot lately’, minho thinks.
he looks down at their joint hands and stays silent for a moment.
taemin looks at him in confusion when he answers:
“it leaves nothing but scars that will never heal, it leaves nothing but my poor self”
“hyung?”
“i don’t know what to do. i feel like it just isn’t-“
taemin squeezes his hand and he can feel the tension in his jaw.
“we- we’ll go slow. i’m sure this time.”
he can’t see himself going slow with taemin. it never has been slow with the two of them. it’s always been a turbulence of feelings – of love and anger, of laughter and jealousy, of certainty and experimentation.
they were both young, neither of legal age, and he isn’t sure if this really is what he wants and if this really is what taemin wants. he looks down at taemin and the other looks up at him in return. there isn’t a single ounce of doubt in his eyes, neither is there certainty, but he sees something – just a sliver of the feelings that they once had for each other – and touches his cheek.
”i don’t see how it’s any of your business-“
“how is it not any of my business! you chea-“
“we aren’t together, minho hyung.”
…
“you used me, then.”
“that’s not what i-“
“and you used jinki hyung too?”
“of course not!”
“it’s just me, then?”
“fine, if you want to think that way, then yes, i used you! but i told you already, from the very beginning – i’m not as invested in this as you are. i don’t feel the sa-“
“so you’ve said.”
“don’t let this ruin us, hyung.”
“i won’t. you already did.”
taemin presses into his side for warmth and he tightens his hold on him. he feels the please leave taemin’s lips in a breath and land on his cheek in the next. he looks up at the ceiling and listens to the rain pitter-pattering around him. this all feels so familiar, and he wonders.
he pulls taemin closer and smiles.
rip my whole heart apart, rip it apart
minho opens his eyes and watches as taemin moves across the dance floor, growing – always growing. one day, he knows taemin will catch up to him, and he doesn’t know – maybe it’s just him – but he feels as though he might just get left behind. it’s only been a little more than two years since they’ve debuted, and already, taemin can move freely on his own. he still remembers that young blood with the big innocent eyes and the all-too sweet smile.
without any thoughts
i walk to wherever my heart goes
he stands from where he’s sitting on the floor of the practice room and makes his way over to taemin – to fix the string hanging out of his shirt he tells himself. as soon as his hands touch the hem of taemin’s shirt, the latter turns in shock and stares up at him with wide eyes. minho can almost see their past in them but taemin steps back, away from him, and raises an eyebrow.
“what are you doing, hyung?”
i just stand in place
“i was just going to-“ he starts, pointing at the white thread that dangles from his shirt.
“i can do it.” taemin turns away from him and goes on to speak to kibum about something maybe important. he never touches the hem of his shirt.
you tapped my lonely shoulder and hid
why are you not there, why can I not see
minho sits quietly in the front seat, flipping through the songs in his ipod to play in the car. his eyes scan the titles and the memories while listening to the other members be loud in the back – listening to taemin be grown up and outspoken. he finally chooses one song and his thumb presses the play button. the soft melody filters in through the speakers of the car and he leans back on the seat. before his rap part can even start, a hand reaches out from the back and presses the next button.
he frowns and turns but he can hardly see because taemin’s face is so close to his, eyes narrowed and mouth set into a thin line. he doesn’t recognize this face at all – who is this – and his eyes continue to search the other’s eyes but all too suddenly, he’s pulling back and telling the others that the song was ‘just too sad and heartbreaking’.
minho faces forward again and watches as road disappears under their car. he stares down at his ipod and thinks ’it is, isn’t it?’
i can’t erase you from my heart
what do I do?
he waits quietly for his turn to go on the obstacle course and he needs to win – the team depends on him, but all he can think about ismaybe if he were here… just like before, then-. he hears the sound alarm for an elimination and his heart sinks because that’s one less member from their team. he doesn’t have the strength to give his sympathies to the eliminated member – he needs to focus on his own victory for the time being.
all too soon it’s his turn, but he’s not ready. he steps up to the beginning platform, holding a hand over his heart to calm himself down.
“ready,”
he bends his knees and schools his features into that gaze that people have grown to know and somehow love and hate at the same time. he hears the start signal and his legs take him far and fast, going over cushioned set pieces and diving through padded holes. he hears his heart beating in his ears way too loud and he tries not to listen.
he’s finally on his way back and he jumps up to grab the monkey bars above him, but he thinks he hears a soft voice in his ear telling him it just won’t work and he feels the metal slipping from his gloved fingers. he takes a quick glance at the people watching but he doesn’t see the flash of auburn he was hoping for and so he falls into the pit.
he can vaguely hear the elimination signal because all he can hear is ’it just won’t work – we can’t do this, hyu-‘
“how do you feel minho, getting eliminated?”
he breathes heavily, echoed by the microphone shoved in his face, and answers with a hoarse voice “it just didn’t work.”
in the photos,
it still looks like i’m your love
his fingers clutch at the only photo he holds just as much as his family picture one quiet night. he’s standing there a whole year younger and a whole heart fuller. even he can see the happiness in his own eyes from the picture, but what startles him is the equal amount of happiness he sees in taemin’s eyes. they stare at each other and he can’t believe he didn’t know they were falling apart.
he looks up from the photo and he could almost see the bunk beds they used to have across the room – taemin curled up under his blankets, whispering and giggling with jinki hyung in the dark room until kibum shushes them and tells them to go to sleep. taemin looks apologetic for a moment but he gives jinki one last look and a quiet laugh before he moves to turn over. taemin’s eyes meet his and he wants to call out to him. taemin gives him a small smile before jonghyun’s torso comes into his view, waving a hand in front of his face. he blinks and looks up, staring at the older member.
“it’s time for dinner, come eat. you haven’t been eating properly.”
minho wonders when he’s been this concerned but decides against asking and nods instead. he tucks the photo back in the book he used to read every night and finish every week and places it on his bedside table.
still i have romantic in my heart
i want to go back
he takes a seat across from kibum and next to jinki. looks are passed around from each other to him, and he can feel it. he grips his utensils in his right hand and picks them up slowly – each metal piece a heavy weight in his palm.
“are you okay?” jinki asks him and he nods almost immediately – he doesn’t have to think of the answer. he is okay. he needs to be okay. he wants to be okay.
they continue eating because even they want to believe that he’s okay and he knows that too. he puts food into his mouth and chews without bothering to look twice at what he was putting in his mouth. he’ll remember what it tastes like later on, when he’s finished eating maybe, and even in eating he’s still always a little bit too late.
taemin looks at him but he can’t look back – he has his own fears. he’s scared he’ll see something like disappointment in his eyes and maybe just a little bit of disgust because this is not the minho he knows. minho agrees – he doesn’t know who he is anymore either.
“hyung, try this,” he says and passes him a dish which he accepts gratefully and fills a quarter of his plate with it. he passes it back and he starts putting it in his mouth. the others are staring at him and he can’t figure out why until he finally tastes what taemin gave him.
he hates this. he’s never eaten this before. never. he hates it.
“you’re not okay.”
he wants to stand and run to the bathroom, but he can only look at taemin and swallow.
i’m so afraid that i’ll see you with the perfect person
in a place where our memories deeply lie
minho keeps his heart worn on his sleeve, this much he knows from what people have told him. he doesn’t think it’s much of a big deal that people can see how he really feels, but in moments like these, he wishes he thought otherwise.
taemin’s moving around the dorm, phone pressed to his ear and a smile plastered on his face. he can hear bits and pieces of his conversation. ‘-park three blocks from here——not-‘, ‘—later—-we’re busy—-“,”—-i miss you.” minho knows that it’s not that kind of conversation, but he can’t help but be afraid. it’s hard to keep a nervously beating heart quiet and secret.
he knows the park he’s talking about. he knows it really well. it’s where he used to go for a walk and a place where he can just stop and think. for a while, taemin followed him there, enjoying the silence with him and he didn’t mind.
when taemin finishes their conversation, he smiles and asks, “who was that?” for the sake of reassurance. but taemin blinks at him and doesn’t answer for a while.
“no one.”
taemin goes into the room he shares with kibum and jinki and leaves him with the loud, nervous heart.
if it’s not you, i can’t go on
minho was raised to listen before speaking, to just observe before taking action. he’s always lived by this teaching and it’s never failed him before. but now, he can’t help himself. he reaches out and grabs taemin’s wrist and takes him aside for a few short stolen minutes.
“hyung, why-“
“i just… i just need to know.”
“i already told you,” taemin looks at him exasperatedly and looks around to see if anyone can hear.
“it doesn’t make sense.” minho wants to beg, but he doesn’t think he’s ready to lose everything yet.
“i just don’t want to-“
“are you scared?”
“are you? are you scared of letting me go?”
“of course i-“
“don’t be afraid. i’ll always be here, just not the way you want me to be. you’ll find-“
“i won’t find someone else.” his words almost get stuck in his throat but he swallows down the pain.
“how do you know that?”
“i’ve tried.”
your warmth, your face
i can still feel them in my embrace
that night, he walks to the park and hides himself in the plastic castle. he leans back on the yellow plastic and feels the cold press against his thin cotton shirt. he knows he shouldn’t be out so late and in such thin clothing – he could catch a cold.
he pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs. he doesn’t cry – he hasn’t cried in a while and he doesn’t plan on doing that soon. he lets the sky cry for him and soothe him with the rhythmic sounds of drops pitter-pattering on the roof of his castle. he closes his eyes and allows himself to be taken away by the sound and the mood of right here, right now.
taemin presses a kiss to his cheek and he feels his skin burn. they share a shy smile and look away from each other – awkward at best. he bites his lip and lifts his hand slowly before allowing it to cover taemin’s in a cliché way. his fingers curl around his hand and he smiles.
taemin looks up at him and grins as well. he pulls his hand free for a moment – minho frowns – and laces their fingers together between their thighs – minho smiles. they smile twice for the hosts, a hundred times for the cameras, a thousand times for the fans, and once for each other.
minho opens his eyes and the rain has stopped. he straightens his back and yawns, ignoring the painful crack that his spine makes. he looks at his watch and it reads ‘4:00 am’. he isn’t surprised and he isn’t worried either. they don’t have anything scheduled for that day, so he isn’t in a hurry.
he pulls his phone out from his pocket and curls in on himself some more because he’s starting to feel the cold.
343 missed calls. 829 new messages.
he’s surprised that his phone didn’t crash, but he starts scanning through the missed calls first. 59 are from kibum, 48 are from jonghyun, 80 are from jinki, 15 are from their manager, 20 are from donghae, 21 are from hyukjae, and 100 are from taemin. he doesn’t deny himself the little jump that his heart makes at this.
he doesn’t bother with the messages and decides to pocket the phone but it starts to ring again. he stares at the caller id – it’s taemin.
he shoves the phone back in his pocket and climbs out of the castle.
i’ve only been searching and wandering for your empty spot
please look at me
he gets a harsh scolding when he gets back and a few punches on the shoulder after. the only thing he gets from taemin is a staredown and a busted lip.
“he was really worried, you know,” jinki tells him, placing an ice pack on his forming bruise. “we all were.”
“sorry, hyung.”
he holds onto jinki’s wrist for a long moment. “i really am, hyung.”
jinki smiles at him and nods. “i know.”
minho nods silently – more to himself than to anyone else. he pulls the blanket closer around his shoulders and relishes in the warmth.
“hyung, can we talk?”
he looks up and only now does he notice that he’s been left alone to his thoughts. taemin stands before him and stares at the floor.
minho nods.
“we can.”
“why were you out so late? what were you doing out there? why weren’t you answering our calls?” taemin asks, plopping down on the couch next to minho, and crosses his arms, glaring at the floor.
minho doesn’t answer right away. he smiles sadly for a moment and curls up under the blanket.
“i was just looking.”
“for what?”
“for something i lost.”
“but where were you?”
“i know you know where i was.”
“if i did, we wouldn’t have had to worry so much.”
“you didn’t have to worry so much.”
taemin frowns “i don’t understand.”
minho thinks he never really will.
there’s more of you inside me than myself
two days after, donghae has him in the super junior waiting room, but only the two of them are in there. he doesn’t know what donghae promised the others for doing this and it kind of makes him want to laugh, were it not for the seriousness on donghae’s face.
“that wasn’t like you.”
minho feels like he’s being judged, like he’s being criticized.
“it wasn’t.”
“why’d you do it?”
minho wants to explain himself so badly. but how can he know why he does the things he does when he doesn’t even know who he is anymore.
“i don’t know.”
he stares at donghae and tries to get his sincerity across, but it doesn’t look like he’s buying it.
“that was really stupid. what if a fan had seen you, or worse, an anti-fan?”
he doesn’t answer and stares at his hands.
“i would’ve run,” he smiles to himself.
“what?”
“i would’ve run away. i’m pretty sure i can outrun them.”
”you can’t catch me, hyung!” taemin yells, running across the field.
“taemin, what are you doing, get back here!” kibum crosses his arms and orders minho to get him.
minho runs after the younger and easily catches up to him. they both laugh and run all the way back to kibum and jinki.
“what was that for?”
“i just felt like getting away. running’s the best way to get away, don’t you think?”
“and if you can’t outrun them?” donghae looks a little angry right now, because it was a stupid thing to do, and that was a stupid answer.
he thinks for a moment, listening to the faint hum of the broadcast playing in the tv behind him. he thinks of bony shoulders dancing up and down and soft lips curling into cluelessness.
“oh well.”
i don’t want to hurt you ever again
i want to be your man.
he figures he’s getting better. slowly and little by little, but he’s getting better. he knows. he doesn’t constantly think of taemin anymore. he doesn’t clutch that old photograph and stare at it all night long anymore.
he doesn’t know what brought this on, but if it finally means being okay, he’ll take it. he goes around the dorm now with an easy smile on his face. the others have noticed but they aren’t taking it the same way he is. if anything, they’re more wary of him now, asking him now and again if he was okay. he’d answer ‘yes’ and flash them a smile. he doesn’t understand the pain in their eyes when they look back at him. he thought they’d be happy now that he’s getting better.
“minho, what’s wrong?” kibum asks, already on the verge of crying, and grips his wrists a little painfully.
“nothing’s wrong,” he answers.
kibum lets go of his hands and walks away from him.
he doesn’t understand.
“minho hyung, why are you like this? tell me what’s wrong.” taemin asks him a few hours later in his and jonghyun’s room. he sighs heavily and shakes his head.
“i don’t see why you guys have to keep asking me. there’s nothing wrong with me.”
taemin stares at him and he knows he doesn’t believe him. just like how he didn’t believe the warm words that he said to him before.
tears build up in taemin’s eyes and he holds minho’s face.
“w-why are you crying?” he asks, holding the younger’s thin wrist.
two thumbs wipe at his cheeks and he feels moisture there he’s never felt before. taemin’s tears are falling and staining his shirt.
“taemin, why are you crying?” he asks and he doesn’t notice the crack in his voice. he hasn’t noticed for a while.
“because you cry and you don’t even notice. it’s’ hurting all of us. it hurts me.”
’why should it hurt you?’ he wants to ask taemin, ’you don’t care about me like that.’
and, for once, for the first time in a long time, he feels. he feels the tears that are spilling over from his eyes. he feels the swelling in his eyes. he feels his lips trembling. he feels his fingers digging into taemin’s skin. he feels his chest caving in on itself and crumbling down to the pit of his stomach.
“you don’t feel it. you don’t feel anymore, minho hyung. i’m sorry,” taemin sobs, still holding onto his face, wiping away the tears again and again.
he can’t find it in himself to speak. he watches taemin break apart in front of him, and he doesn’t know what to do. taemin hasn’t held him like this in a while.
“it’s my fault. i was scared. please, hyung, i hate seeing you like this.”
his mouth opens but only a strangled sob comes out as he buries his face in taemin’s shirt. he wraps his arms around his thin frame and shakes with each intake of breath.
i never wanted to make you cry.
he stays wrapped around taemin for a while, face buried in his shirt. he doesn’t hear taemin sobbing into his own hand and he doesn’t feel the tears that fall into his hair.
he understands now. he understands why the others have been staring, wondering. he understands the pain in kibum’s eyes.
and all it took was taemin – taemin to hold his face and cry for him.
i’m so pathetic for realizing it now
taemin tells him he’s over it now and he’s learned from it. taemin tells him that there’s no other – there never was another, and that he wants this. he isn’t sure how to answer and so stares quietly into his still wet eyes.
they sit in the plastic castle on the night after. their thighs touch and keep each other warm. minho has his arm around taemin’s shoulders and pulls him closer as rain pours down around them.
’it’s been raining a lot lately’, minho thinks.
he looks down at their joint hands and stays silent for a moment.
taemin looks at him in confusion when he answers:
“it leaves nothing but scars that will never heal, it leaves nothing but my poor self”
“hyung?”
“i don’t know what to do. i feel like it just isn’t-“
taemin squeezes his hand and he can feel the tension in his jaw.
“we- we’ll go slow. i’m sure this time.”
he can’t see himself going slow with taemin. it never has been slow with the two of them. it’s always been a turbulence of feelings – of love and anger, of laughter and jealousy, of certainty and experimentation.
they were both young, neither of legal age, and he isn’t sure if this really is what he wants and if this really is what taemin wants. he looks down at taemin and the other looks up at him in return. there isn’t a single ounce of doubt in his eyes, neither is there certainty, but he sees something – just a sliver of the feelings that they once had for each other – and touches his cheek.
”i don’t see how it’s any of your business-“
“how is it not any of my business! you chea-“
“we aren’t together, minho hyung.”
…
“you used me, then.”
“that’s not what i-“
“and you used jinki hyung too?”
“of course not!”
“it’s just me, then?”
“fine, if you want to think that way, then yes, i used you! but i told you already, from the very beginning – i’m not as invested in this as you are. i don’t feel the sa-“
“so you’ve said.”
“don’t let this ruin us, hyung.”
“i won’t. you already did.”
taemin presses into his side for warmth and he tightens his hold on him. he feels the please leave taemin’s lips in a breath and land on his cheek in the next. he looks up at the ceiling and listens to the rain pitter-pattering around him. this all feels so familiar, and he wonders.
he pulls taemin closer and smiles.