Parallel

I rolled over onto my back and tucked my hands behind my head. Another sleepless night was ahead of me for the same reason as always. I was amazed at how much one person could affect me, I mean was I losing sleep over someone, really? Sleep used to be so peaceful and undisturbed, but because of him there I was staring up at my ceiling for hours.

I often thought about what I would do if I let him truly get under my skin. Would I raise my voice to him? Would I get emotional? And what would he do? What would he say to me? Would he understand?

He had no idea that my heart ached every time he left my bed. Well, at first it was harmless fun. He’d come over for a little while, he’d lay down with me on my bed, and press his perfect lips to mine so gently. Then he would carefully remove my clothes and have his way with me. He always made sure to take his time, it was never rushed and it never felt cheap, that is until he left. It was the moment he left my sight where our tender touches and gentle kisses went to waste.

I can’t blame him for doing it over and over, because I’ve masked my feelings for so long. For months I’ve smiled softly at him and kissed his hand before he left me. Over and over I made him think it was okay to use me and leave me as he pleased. But it wasn’t okay. Nothing about it was okay.

Sometimes I felt like maybe I loved him, but I wasn’t sure. I never had been in love before. I knew that when I thought about him I instantly got happy and I felt a fluttering feeling in my chest. It felt a lot like love to me, but then again what did I know? The only thing I did know was that I was so sure of myself, and he wasn’t. It was the only problem that stood between both of our happiness.

Cameron didn’t want anyone to know that he was with me. He didn’t want to hold my hand in public, and he didn’t want to take me out on any dates. In the beginning I didn’t mind at all, in fact it was quite exciting to sneak around and keep our encounters a secret. But after months and months went by the thrill wore off and I felt pretty jaded. It was such a terrible feeling, and it just got worse.

What was so strange to me is that I really felt like we were the same exact person just split into two different people. I’ve connected with many people throughout my life, but never had I connected with someone like Cameron. We were meant to be; at least that was my thoughts at the time.

I mean how could we not be meant for each other? We enjoyed the same things, we never fought, never argued really. The time we spent together was cherished, and we never wasted a moment. We were even heading in the same direction career wise, and we knew that one day we’d achieve all of our goals and dreams.

After a while I realized that we were living parallel lives, trailing down the same path. But then it dawned on me that parallel lines never cross. There was a reason why Cameron and I didn’t cross, and I knew what the reason was…I just didn’t want to accept it. I couldn’t accept it.

My emotions got the best of me and I reached over to my cell phone and scrolled down to his name. I called him rather than texted, I wanted to hear his sweet voice.

“Hi Cameron. I was wondering if I could I see you?” I asked shyly, even though I was never the timid type.

“Of course, you know that you can see me whenever you like. I’ll be there soon.”

I could tell he was smiling just from the tone of his voice, and it made my stomach do flips. It wouldn’t be long until he arrived, he didn’t live all that far.

When I heard his fist knocking at my door, I quickly made my way to him. His strong arms held me close after he came inside and shut the door. Everything was always behind closed doors with him. But I was more than willing to ignore that for the time being.

I led him up to my room and I laid on my bed, pulling his wrist lightly so he would do the same. We both knew what was going to happen, it was what we did when we saw each other. It was what we both wanted. We couldn’t resist each other’s touch, we just couldn’t.

He pushed my hair away from my face and rolled off of me. He was out of breath, and there was sweat glistening over his toned body. I couldn’t help but stare at him while he regained his breath and calmed down.

I looked into his big green eyes and immediately fell more in love with him. They were shining so bright, brighter than the moon I could swear on it. He flashed me a smile and kissed my forehead before he sat up.

I grabbed his arm and he looked back at me. “Stay,” was all I said to him.

I always wanted him to stay, but I never had the courage to ask him to until that night.

He bit down on his bottom lip and let out a deep sigh. “I can’t,” he mumbled and bent over to grab his boxers.

I furrowed my eyebrows out of frustration. How could he just dismiss me like that? How could he look at my face and refuse me, especially after what had just happened? I wouldn’t ever do that to him, I wouldn’t have been able to refuse him, no matter what he asked of me.

I pursed my lips and sat up against the headboard. “Please? Just for tonight. Cameron… I really want you to stay. Don’t you want to fall asleep with me in your arms?”

He sighed again, breaking my heart even more. His dirty blond hair tousled around as he shook his head.

“Niko, don’t. Don’t do this.” His deep voice echoed through my ears. It almost hurt to hear him say my name like that.

“What do you mean?” I asked rather pathetically. But I continued nonetheless. “It’s just one night. With me. We’ve been doing this for a long time Cam. I just want to know what it feels like to wake up to your handsome face.”

He turned his head away when I tried to stroke his cheek. It made my heart twinge in my already heavy chest.

“I’m sorry, Nikolai. I’m really sorry. But you know why I can’t stay,” he whispered. “We don’t want the same things, Niko. I…I can tell that you’re upset, and that makes me upset too. I just want things to be simple. I’m not your boyfriend, and I can never be your boyfriend. You don’t understand.”

I sat up even straighter and I tried again to touch his face, and again he moved his cheek away from me.

My sadness and frustration quickly turned into a wave of anger. How dare he tell me that I didn’t understand? I understood everything, it was him who didn’t seem to understand anything. But as angry as I had become, I chose not to raise my voice to him.

“But I do, Cameron. I do understand and you know it. You’re scared, I get that. I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend. I’m asking you to wrap your arms around my waist, fall asleep, and just… be there when I wake up. That’s it.”

His eyes seemed to lose their sheen in seconds. He could break my heart a thousand ways, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except the way I felt about him, that would never change.

“You say you’re only asking for one night but I know you, Niko. You’ll want to again and again. And then you’ll want more. I can’t give you any more than I am now. You have to accept that or we can’t-”

“Please stop saying that.” I interrupted as I held up my hand. “Because it’s not that you can’t, it’s that you won’t. I do accept that you’re not ready to make any commitments. I’m okay with that. Just lay back down with me Cam. I promise that I will not ask you for anything more than you‘re willing to give me. All I want is to feel you next to me. I know you want it too, I can tell.” I said, and put down my hand. “Please Cameron.”

Cameron turned his body towards me, leaned in real close, and he brushed his lips against mine so softly. His lips felt warmer than ever, and I loved the feeling of them so much. I could have kissed his lips for days and never get bored of them.

He cupped my face in his large hands and he slowly ran his tongue over my lips, I could feel his breath on my mouth and it made me shiver. There was never a time where I felt like that, for the first time… I felt loved. The only thing that was running through my mind was that Cameron must have loved me if he was going to stay with me.

I felt his forehead resting on mine and he let out a long heavy breath.

“I want to stay so badly, Nikolai. But I know if I did it wouldn’t be right. Because I won’t stay next time. I’ll make love to you and then I’ll leave like I always do. That’s how it is. I just won’t do it to you again. I see what it’s doing to you. I see the way you’re looking at me, I see the disappointment in your face. And I tried to deny it for a while now, but I know that you love me, Niko. I was so afraid that you’d fall for me, because I can’t love you back. How can I love you when I hate myself?” he said with tears welling in his beautiful eyes. “I can never accept who I am. I’ll never feel comfortable in my own skin. And you shouldn’t have to put up with my shit anymore. It’s killing you and I won’t have that. God I’m so sorry, Niko. I should go.”

He climbed off of me, but I held onto his arm tightly. My eyes felt wet, and I didn’t notice I was crying until my cheeks were dripping with tears.

“I don’t want you to go! Please. I’ll help you, I can help. I’ve been there. You will be able to accept yourself one day, I promise you that you will.”

He kept shaking his head and he sniffed. “This is the part where I let you down, and you let me go. I can’t give you what you want, or what you need. You’re more than this,” he said making a gesture between our bodies. “You deserve better.”

My lips trembled as I watched the tears drip down his face. I almost couldn’t bare this heartbreak.

“I don’t want better, I only want you. I do love you Cameron. I love you so much and I don’t want to ever stop.”

He hung his head low, he couldn’t even look at me.

“You have to, Niko. I can’t be who you want me to be. The best thing for you to do is forget about me. Because I will never get over the fact that I‘m like this. I’m not like you, I’m not proud of who I am. I‘m not proud of what I do.”

He turned around and started to gather his clothes. As he slipped his shirt over his head he continued to break my heart.

“…I wish things were different. I really do. But they aren’t, and we can’t do this anymore. I won’t do this to you anymore. God, please just don’t hate me for this Nikolai.”

He stood up and pulled his pants up to his waist. Slipped his shoes on. And then he left.