Sickness

I'm hungry. Starving for food and starving for affection. Don't you see me, I'm that big brooding figure that looks deflected.

My stomach rumbles as the earth crumbles from one side, is splashed with tsunamis while people were still working to make it dry. It hurts me a little, but what really burns is my insides.

I'm dying.

My organs are eating up the body I have always filled. Unsure of what to do, I lie down and stay still.

The food in the fridge abundant, but my brain tells me no. Those African children are starving, but what do they know? My self-deserved suffering, my self-inflicted dieting, my runaway mind has me squeezing into clothes that aren't even mine. They don't understand. You don't understand. I need, I must be, smaller.

Everything I say must be spoken proper, I must not lift my voice. And in how I spend those dollars I don't have a choice. Clothes, shoes, concert tickets, making me feel important behind this ruse, Iphones, Ipads, until all that's is left is abuse. Ialone.

My oppressor is not who you think, there's no visible man that makes me sink, this misery is self-applied, but not self-arrived. I am struck, from every corner of my eye by a thin slender woman that smiles with blue eyes. Green eyes. Brown eyes. Eyes that watch me as I hide. I try so hard to hide. But she finds me.

Who is she?

She's every man's dream girl, modeled to the letter T. You can't see any flesh on her if she stood with her arms out to her sides. But me? How about O. Oh no. She's got me again. Watching me, insisting that I don't eat. For her, that's luxury. But hey, I don't know how to long to be free.

My words are so programmed that all I do is breathe, and from this words spill onto this page so quickly and so fleeting. I can't remember what I've written, does it even have any meaning?

Wait. The letter T. If a real human being looked like that... it reminds me of something. Have you ever seen those archaeological digs? Or a corner of a science lab? Where a tall figure lies, with only bones, no flesh to be had. A skeleton.

Oh no. So this was it all along. She wants me to disappear, hide in my room listening to songs. She doesn't want me out, she doesn't want me to belong! How dare she cage me up, is she even a she?

No. What was it that boy said to me the other day, something about how I didn't deserve space on this earth and how nothing I thought I was entitled to say. He wants me trapped, all the space for him!

He eats and bulks up and I am forced to be thin!

He's killing T, and he's killing me. I won't stand for this! I can hardly stand as it is! Does he think he can limit me and force me to show off my dying shoulders and ribs. An ever lasting hunger, greediness that is cursed, he watches the skinny women with a disgusting thirst. Lower your gaze! Would you want women of your home watched the same? Your mother. Your daughter. Your sister. Your wife.

Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do.(24:30)

Encouraging these bony features only puts everyone on the line. And this is a feast where cannibals dine.

Where's your humanity man? Didn't your mother teach you anything?

Oh dear.

That stare in your eyes is seething. Don't you understand, you also had an upbringing!

I feel so tired, I am energyless, but without rest. I used to say this. I used to feel this. And with you rolling out posters of skinny girls and naked idols until I couldn't sleep without my mind screaming, I used to believe in them. I used to think that food was for men. I hate you! How could you do this to me?

I have fallen down now, my weakness too much. The hunger a small trickle of lava in my throat. I look up to see a quote:

Everything good that happens to you (O Man) is from God, everything bad that happens to you is from your own actions". (4:79)

I can no longer blame him. It wasn't only his fault. This whole wide world is ready to assault. We don't play together and win together. We compete and fight. Nothing to bring us together, hardly anything feels right. But wait, where did that sentence come from? How did it erase my hate? Now that I have forgiven him, I must do something about my state.

Listen man, women, and child. I know I haven't spoke up in a while. I was hiding, but no more. My body takes up space, and using words I will roar. I have a purpose. It's not your silly games. I won't ignore my brothers and sisters that are being slain. Hunger, disaster, lack of interest. It's killing them.

You and I need to learn some restraint! That's why we were taught fasting. It gives us a little break. Our whole body needs to have some cleansing and a time to recycle. To calm down and use our intelligence, remember that we aren't animals.

O you who believe fasting is prescribed to you, as it was prescribed to those before you, so that you can learn self-restraint. (2:183)

I'll tell you this: I am ready to change. I won't starve my mind or my stomach any more. There's nothing to gain now, except energy. It's okay. I can be happy.

O mankind: Eat of what is lawful and good on earth. (2: 168)

If I lie down and hide, who will help those who can't help but die? If I whisper self-hate, who will raise aid before it is too late? I'm not tired anymore, I have a purpose. God didn't make me here to be utterly worthless. God stated that it's okay to eat, but I should show restraint in going crazy. That I should be fit and should live without excess is the example left by the last messenger.

And those who strive in Our (cause),- We will certainly guide them to Our Paths: For verily Allah is with those who do right. (29: 69)

All this time I wasted got me thinking. A little brightness really hinted, now I know I am not alone, there's a reason for my existence.

I will be okay because I have faith. On Judgement Day I hope I am forgiven for my waste.