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Dirty Little Secret

fifteen

Eric's parents hired a professional photographer to take pictures of our large group. Everyone in the group was either big jocks or like me, stuck up princesses. They weren't like me though, not the way I am now, thanks to Tate. I didn't feel like I fit in with this crowd and I used to be there leader. Every one of them still looks at me as if I am some sort of God but I can't help but to feel like some sort of impostor.

I don't eat during dinner; I stare absentmindedly into my bowl of pasta, twisting my fingers together on my lap. Tate is like a worm in my brain, he passes through all of my thoughts. I can't stop thinking about what he meant by 'I think you know that you were never going to be another notch in my bedpost.' I knew that if I kept feeling the way I did about him, then I would definitely end up sleeping with him, meaning I would be another notch in his bedpost. Did Tate not want to sleep with me; does he not find me attractive in that way?

"You okay?" Eric asks as he takes one of my hands in his.

"What?" I ask returning back to the presence.

"You haven't touched your food, you love food."

"Oh yeah, I'm just not feeling good I guess," I give a convincing enough smile for Eric to return to talking to one of his buddies from the football team.

I am thrown into conversation by the constant babble of Allie and Courtney.

"I am so excited for the after party, aren't you Cori?" Allie asked giddily.

"Whose is it?" I ask, I wasn't aware of an after party, but I haven't been aware of much the last few days.

"Austin Thompson. He always throws the best parties because his parents always buy the really expensive alcohol."

"Oh well then, yeah I guess I am excited."

"Me too," Courtney says jumping into the conversation. "I'm hoping that Bobby and I finally do it tonight, we've been dating two whole weeks."

"You've only been dating two weeks and you're already considering doing it. Do you even know his last name?" I ask her.

"Of course, it's Alan."

"Courtney that was your Todd's last name," Allie frowns.

Courtney huffed loudly, "Well we can't all be saints like Cori now can we?"

No matter how loud the music got or how packed the dance floor became or how many times I had to remove Eric's hand from my butt, my mind trailed off to thoughts of Tate. I wondered what he was doing since I knew that he wouldn't be caught at a school function, especially a dance. I tried to enjoy myself, let loose and allow the rhythm take hold of my body. Even me being crowned homecoming queen didn't stop my mind from wandering.

I think I'm going to have the limo driver take me home," I tell Courtney during the brief moment we weren't dancing.

"What, why?"

"I'm not feeling that well," I lie.

"Then you have to come!"

"Why do I have to come when I'm not feeling well?"

"So you can drink a lot then throw up all of your sickness."

I was thankful for the minimal lighting so Courtney couldn't see my ridiculous face; sometimes it amazed me how she was taking all the same advanced classes as me.

I did end up going to the after party after much begging and pleading from Allie and Courtney. They both offered to give me their change of clothes, but I refused. I paid good money for my dress; it should be worn more than a few hours.

The large house was already packed by the time Allie, Courtney and I pulled up in Allie's little red convertible.

Most of the school was here, including some people that didn't go to homecoming. There were even some other people from different schools. I noticed one of Eric's many friends working her way over to Eric who arrived a few minutes before us.

"That's the girl we saw at the mall!" Allie whispered loudly.

I wasn't going to let Eric and his stupid make me look like a fool, when he can't even let me have guy friends without getting defensive. I march in his direction, when I finally cross the room to where he was standing I slipped right in between him and the enemy, and planting a solid territorial kiss on Eric's lips.

Pulling away I smiled seductively, turning to the girl who looked highly insulted and smiled a bitchy little smiles before walking off with purpose back to a waiting Allie and Courtney.

"Woah, you just bitched slapped the shit out of that girl without even raising a hand," Allie praised.

"Yeah I know, take note girls. I could easily do that to you too," I smile with a new found confidence.

I leave them somewhere in the living room to go find something to quiet the voices in my head. I knew drinking wasn't the answer but it beat the other option I thought of. The first option being that I talk to someone about what I was feeling, and that someone being Tate.

I always manage to forget how easily it is for me to achieve the feeling of being buzzed. It wasn't long until I was at the happy medium of intoxicated and still able to grasp reality. I was just drunk enough allow the demons to flood back into my head, enabling them to control my actions.

Before I knew it I was excusing myself for a bit fresh of air in the front yard and pulling out my phone scrolling through my contacts until I got to the end of the list where a four letter name popped off the screen. I smiled walking further away from prying ears lifted my phone to my ear and waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Tate."

"Cori," Tate mocked.

I ignored him. I needed to say what I planned to say or I would never say it. "What did you mean by not being a notch?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"No, it's my turn to ask the questions."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at a party."

I hear Tate sigh and get up. "I'm coming to get you."

"You never answered my question, Mister!"

"Cori, I'll see you in a couple minutes," Tate hung up.

He left me with more answers than before the phone call. I didn't go back into the house, instead I laid on the pavement of the driveway. It was still warm from the evening sun and it felt good on my bare skin.

I could hear the distant rumble of Tate's old beat up pick-up truck. I wondered how many other girls he would pick up if they called drunk. I doubted he would do it of every girl he's ever slept with or lab partners for my case.

"What are you doing lying on the ground? You're getting your dress dirty."

"Who cares, I am only going to wear it once."

Tate was now standing over me with his signature jacket in one hand and a cigarette in between his lips. He extended his other hand to help me up. I take it graciously, allowing him to pull me into a standing position. Tate then draped his jacket over my shoulders before taking my hand to lead me around to the passenger’s side of his truck to help me in.

"You're such a gentleman," I giggle.

"You're such a lightweight," Tate mocked me again.

Tate starts the engine and we take off down the road.

"So how was homecoming?"

"It would have been better if a certain someone wasn't giving me riddles to decipher minutes before hand."

"It wasn't a riddle Cori."

"Then what was it?"

Tate doesn't answer; he just stares ahead at the illuminated road and surrounding darkness. Finally he clears if throat and asks, "Why can't you stop thinking about me?"

I thought for a while, debating what to tell him. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to admit it to myself because then it would be out in the open and there would be no way of taking it back. I muster up every ounce of courage I could before finally spilling.

"Okay so I have feelings for you, like real feelings. You make me feel wanted and needed and important and I've never in my life felt like that before. I have been striving my whole life just to feel what you make me feel. It's scary because it's different. I'm just so used to my materialistic bubble and my superficial friends and my fake boyfriend because to me all of that is right. You are not right. And I don't know what I was thinking by being friends with benefits because I am certainly not that type of girl. I am known to be many types of girl, but I am not that. But I guess I did it because I got this little pretend glimpse of this alternative life, even though it was only for like a second, and I knew that if it went on any longer I would get hurt because I knew that I would only be just another girl to you. That was until you said what you said today and it threw off my whole train of thought."

I finally catch my breath, all of my courage went to spilling out my entire thought that I couldn't bring myself to look up at Tate.

He remained quiet for a while before saying, "So you said that homecoming sucked?"

I laugh more at myself than him. I couldn't believe that I just told him everything and all Tate could talk about was my sucky experience at homecoming. "Yeah, it was."

Tate makes a sharp turn and picks up speed until finally the black water of the ocean is shimmering along the horizon. Tate pulls into the empty parking lot and cuts the engine. He hurriedly takes off his tennis shoes followed by his socks, "Take your shoes off," He says to me before jumping out of the car.

I pull my shoes off as Tate opens the door and take my hand, helping me out of the car and leading me down the path to the beach.

"We're not supposed to be out here after dark," I say as we pass a sign listing all of the rules but Tate didn't bother with a response.

Once we reach the sand, Tate let go of my hand to roll up the hem of his pant legs, then once again our hands are reconnected and he leads me even further down the beach to where the wet sand meets the dark water.

Tate pulled me in close, wrapping his arms around my waist, I instinctively reached to put my hands around Tate's neck.

"What are we doing?" I ask.

"I'm giving you a better homecoming," Tate smiled down at me.

"We don't have any music."

"I can sing, if you'd like."

I laugh loudly, I couldn't picture Tate singing. I laugh even louder when he starts to sing the lyrics of a Journey song. "That song was played tonight."

"Oh course, Faithfully is a classic romantic dance song."

Tate stopped singing but our dancing continued. I laid my head on his chest and heard the steady beat of his heart. It was comforting and soothing.

"There weren't any other girls," Tate whispers after an eternity of silence.

"Then why did you say it?"

"I guess I was just mad that you still had your boyfriend but you expected me to be completely free from other girls, I just didn't want to look stupid or dependent to you because that's not me."

"Is it selfish for me to ask if I could have both of you?"

"Yes," Tate confirmed my thoughts. "But I wouldn't say no if asked nicely."

"Tate, will you be my official dirty little secret, again?"
♠ ♠ ♠
Okay, another chapter. I hope you guys enjoy. I probably won't be updating for a couple days but I think this will hold y'all over.

Tell me what y'all think.

Later Alligator.
xox.