Dirty Little Secret

Tate and I leaned against the bed of his trunk as Tate fumbled with getting a cigarette out of an almost empty pack. I've grown to like the smell of smoke and when he finally exhaled the white smoke, I found myself breathing in deep.

"I never thought it would be this hard to quit. I'm not a heavy smoker but now that this is my last pack I feel like I constantly need to do it," Tate joked awkwardly. I knew that he was uncomfortable being here, alone with me.

"Then why are you quitting?"

"My dad died of lung cancer; he'd be pissed as hell seeing me smoking if he was still hear. Probably make me eat them or smoke a whole carton at once. God, I'd die," he gave me a weird look.

"Are you on drugs?" The question spills out of my mouth before I have a chance to think about what I was saying.

"What? No. I just don't know how to act. I don't want you to get the wrong idea about it."

"I know we're not getting back together. I broke your trust and that meant a lot to you, I've come to terms with it and I'm fine. Really, you didn't have to come tonight."

"I wanted to tell you something..."

Tate didn't finish his sentence but he did finish his cigarette; smoking it down to the disgusting filter. I wasn't going to pressure him; I knew that he would tell me in his own time. However it might make it easier if alcohol was in his system.

"Want to come in? I haven't raided my parents liquor cabinet in god knows how long, they probably have the good expensive stuff."

"I don't know, I have to drive home."

"Then you can watch me drink," I grab his hand and the familiar tingle shoots up my spine, but I ignore it as I drag Tate into the house.

I sift through some of the bottles in my parents liquor cabinet until I come across a certain bottle I was looking for; Diva Vodka. My dad had gotten my mom this as a present after one of her cosmetic surgeries and she's been saving it for a big party so she can pull it out and show everyone that she drinks alcohol that his diamonds and other gems in it. I grin viciously; she wouldn't be able to rub our wealth in other people’s faces now.

I grab two small glasses, just in case Tate decides to join in on my party. I venture into the kitchen to find something to mix it with. An unopened jug of Hawaiian Punch called my name from the fridge. Finally I show him to my room, shut the door, turned the stereo up and headed to my closet. I had ultimately managed to get all of my clothing out of the black trash bags and back onto hangers. I quickly slip out of my dress and change into pajamas. Tate is sitting on the very edge of my bed, looking uneasy.

"If you want to go you can," I tell him. It really didn't matter to me if he stayed or not.

"No, I want to stay. I wanted to talk about something."

"Okay," I say slowly. "Do you want to talk now or later?"

"Later. Were you going to go to any parties tonight?"

I take a seat in one of my plush bean bag. I unscrew the lid and fill one of the glasses with a clear liquor. I take a small drink, feeling the liquid burn all the way down to the pit of my stomach. I smiled, "Smooth." I take another drink before answering Tate's question. "There were a few parties that we were all going to go to, but just to visit. Then the five of us was going to go to Aliyah's and have a girl’s night."

"If you want to go there, I'll drive you."

"No, it's fine. They probably planned it like this. They think we're going to get back together."

"Do you think that?" Tate asks seriously.

"No," I saw bluntly. I knew that I blew my chances.

"Good because this isn't what it's about."

"Then what is it about?"

Tate dodges my question. "You know, I think I will have a drink, but just one."

Three glasses of alcohol later, the Hawaiian Punch remained unopened and I felt a comfortable buzzing in my head. It was just enough for me to feel totally comfortable with my ex-boyfriend in my room sharing a bottle of stolen alcohol from my mom.

I had never seen Tate really drink. Sure at parties he'd have a beer in his hand and he'd take a few sips but he mostly watched out for me, it was a change of pace seeing him go past his normal limit. He must be really uncomfortable.

"Okay, I need to stop," He says putting his glass on one of my nightstands.

I had gotten up and found a spot next to Tate on the bed once he decided to have a drink. I put the bottle and my glass on the opposite nightstand and looked at him intently, waiting for him to tell me whatever he was going to tell me.

But instead of speaking, I found Tate's lips pressed lightly against mine. I didn't know what to make of this. Of course I kissed him back but Tate had made it very clear that we weren't going to get back together.

Tate gently pushed me backwards; making me lay down while his body pressed against my side. Tate ran a hand over my exposed stomach lightly causing me to giggle.

"Tate what are you doing?"

"Shh," he says into my lips before slipping his tongue into my mouth.

I let this innocent kissing go on until Tate becomes bolder and starts to move his hands higher and higher up my stomach.

"Tate, seriously. What are you doing?" I push him until we are looking at each other.

"I'm trying to turn you on, I'm a little rusty. It's been a couple months."

"Why are you trying to do that?"

"Break up sex will give us closure," Tate tried to explain.

"Are you serious?"

"No but I still want to do it. Come on Cori, we both know it's over so why not?"

I give in. I wanted to, I wanted to be close to Tate again. I missed his rough but gentle touch.

I buried my hands in Tate's hair and our kisses became mutual. Tate resumed pushing off my cardigan and easing up my tank top until eventually we broke our kiss to pull it over my head. I took the time to loosen Tate's tie and work on the buttons of his shirt. When they were both off I unbuttoned Tate's pants.

Tate quickly stopped. "Uh do you have any condoms?"

"No," I say dumbly. "You didn't bring any?"

"It's not like I planned this."

"I'm still on the pill."

"Why?"

"Well I stopped for a month or two but I'm back on it now."

"When did you get back on it?"

"Like a week ago?"

"Why?"

"Really, what’s with all of these questions? Are you trying to kill the mood?"

"Oh right, sorry, "Tate shimmied out of his pants and his boxers then helped me out of my shorts.

Swiftly Tate entered me and I sucked in a large gulp of breath. I had forgotten how rough he could really be. But I loved it all the same. I grind my hips against his, matching each thrust. This wasn't passionate, this was quick and hard. My toes began to curl and I clutched onto Tate's hair even harder making him give a low and throaty growl. All too soon I let go and so did Tate.

Tate and I stared up at my ceiling, catching our breath, each afraid to be the first one to speak. Eventually Tate spoke, "This didn't mean anything you know?"

"Yeah, I know," I whisper slightly.

"I forgive you but I won't forget. That's impossible for me to do."

"I don't expect you to forgive me."

"Well I am. I also wanted to thank you."

"Why?"

"If you didn't do what you did we would still be together and I would have followed you to whatever college you got into. I wouldn't have made a life for myself. So while I was suspended I decided to get a jump start on my own life."

"And how are you doing that?"

"I joined the Marines."

All of the air was being sucked out of my lungs. I immediately thought of the worse; Tate going overseas and dying a tragic and untimely death, all because I broke up with him and gave him the motive to start a different life.

"What, why?"

"Well I always thought about it but I never thought I'd actually do it. But here I am, with a date that I'll start boot camp."

"You already talked to a recruiter?" I sit up in the bed to look at him fully.

"Yeah, took the ASVAB and signed the paperwork and everything."

"Don't take this the wrong way but you were hospitalized for overdosing, isn't that not allowed."

"The recruiter is a friend of the family and he knew what I was going through so it wasn't a big deal. I passed with flying colors. I leave for boot camp a couple days after graduation."

"Graduation is in like two weeks. You're leaving in two weeks?"

"So this wasn't really break up but more like good bye sex."

"I don't want you to go. I'm sorry and I know I don't have that right anymore but I still care about you and I don't want you to get hurt."

"Well I'm not going to say that nothing will happen to me because there is a possibility-"

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that again," I didn't realize that I was crying until my voice broke.

"Cori, don't cry. I just wanted to tell you thanks. I'm happy about this and you helped me do it. You didn't know that you were helping me but you did."

I shook my head. I couldn't get the picture of Tate's perfect body lying cold in a coffin. "Stop talking. You've had too much to drink so just go to sleep."

I roll over, pulling the blankets over my naked body. I couldn't believe it, Tate was leaving. He was going to go through boot camp then go overseas to defend our country. It was selfish of me for not wanting him to go and help fight for our country just because I still had silly feelings for him.