Does it Matter?

I looked at John closely as he told me another lie..I was ready to burst- cry- scream or something!
“It doesn’t matter does it?” I asked him

“Babe it does” he said I laughed in his face

“then start fucking showing it” I said then got up storming outta the room, slamming the door on my way out, I ran down the stairs

“Cathy?” I heard his mom asked in a worried tone I ran passed her and out the door. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. I ignored all John’s texts and calls. I knew what I wanted to do and he wasn’t gonna stop me. He said I would never turn into my mother. But now I’m not so sure. I called an old friend up and asked if he wanted to meet up. Of course he said yes and we met at our old secret hide out. A few hours later I was more than drunk and I was laughing my ass off falling everywhere, holding onto trees as everything around me started spinning I fell on the ground and laid on my back sighing heavily, I didn’t hear Corey anymore. I knew if John found out it was him I ran to; to get shit faced to ignore my problem he would break up with me. I was pretty sure Corey left stupid asshole. I heard my phone ringing somewhere. I couldn’t open my eyes as I was too dizzy to, so I crawled until I found it.
“Hello?” my voice was high pitched

“Where are you Cathy?” I heard a very angry John

“Um…”

“Cathy, tell me where you’re at right goddamn now!” he snapped and I started crying a little

“N-no, you be mad me, you’ll yell” I slurred I heard him groan

“Baby please tell me I’m worried. Are you alone?” he asked I huffed

“Yeah that fucking asshole left me here drunk off my fucking ass! How fucking dare he! That asshole! I can’t walk cause myyyyyy wooorld is spiiiinnging around and around and around, and back around, I in the fuuuckin park, I’m a little scared, I get kidnapped” I babbled on and on

“I’m on my way, don’t you fucking move an inch Cathy, I ain’t fucking messing with you” he spat

“You started this you fucker! Don’t blame me for my actions! You the one that won’t get rid of her! I am sooo much prettier than her, why can’t you see that? I can love you better than she ever did John. She hurt you and you hurt her, you can’t be friends with her. I don’t like her. Goddamn John why can’t you only love me? Why can’t I be the only girl in your life? Huh? Why? Am I not good enough for you? Am I not good enough to have all your heart like they did? Huh? Am I truly the love of your life? Huh?”

I cried then hung up, it hurt so much; I held my chest as the pain wouldn't stop. I just lay there, not moving. I just looked up at the black sky counting the bright shining stars minutes later I heard footsteps, though I didn't dare look around to see if anyone was there. I didn't even jump when I seen a very angry pissed off John; I winced and covered my face scared to face him now.

“God please just kill me now, just kill me now, oh please” I started whispering to myself

“Stop. You’re sounding like your mother and I don’t like it” he said clearly still mad he grabbed my hands and pulled me up on my feet and I swagged to the side not able to keep my balance he sighed heavily and threw my arms around his neck and picked me up bridle style and started carrying me, I was passed out before we got to the car, I woke up when I was set on the soft warm bed I groaned trying to take my shirt off I fought with it for a while before I felt hands removing my shirt for me. I huffed feeling a little cooler I sat up holding my stomach my eyes slightly opening a little I ran- almost falling a couple times on my way to the bathroom, I threw up just in time for it to fall into the toilet. I puked for a good ten minutes, after I flushed and fell back against the tub making a loud thunk , I brought my knees up to my chest, the best I could being a little fat, I wrapped my arms around my legs and put my head on my arms and started crying, why I was crying I don’t know. I just was. I close my eyes as I heard movement around me, water running, doors opening and closing, talking then another door closing

“Stand up baby” my boyfriend said I sniffed and held onto the tub to support myself I felt his warm hands on my back; un-clipping my bra and sliding it down my arms taking it off I got the hint and unbuttoned my jeans taking them off the best I can before John helped me, he slid my panties off along with my jeans and I stepped into the hot tub, he helped me sit down he kneed beside the tub pushing up his sleeves up his arms so they didn't get wet. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't take the chance of looking in his eyes and seeing the hurt and pain he was feeling, to see the anger. The tears rolled down my cheeks at the thought of it. John started washing my body. I cried more, he was doing no harm to me, I was just fragile and I break very easily. I knew what the pain felt like, the pain he was feeling. I cried because I was stupid to do this to him, to make him worry, to make him angry at me. I cried through the whole bath, still never looking his way. He sighed pulling the plug from the tub so the water could drain

“Look at me” he said I shook my head and started to cry harder he took my wet shaking body into his arms I closed my eyes tightly still crying

“i-I’m sorry. I-I know y-you h-hate me. I-I didn't m-mean to h-hurt you like t-this. I’m s-so stupid. Wh-hy are you being n-nice to m-me?” I cried the water was drained now he grabbed a big towel wrapping it around my wet body

“Because Cath” he said and lifted me from the tub

“I know you’re hurting just as much as me” he said in a low soft voice I cried into his shoulder until he sat me on the bed, I did my best to dry myself off, I helped him dress myself as I was still a little too drunk, I knew I needed to sleep it off. I didn't bother to brush my hair just crawled under the blankets; I didn't noticed John gone until he came back in a pair of basketball shorts on with no shirt. He set a glass of water on the night stand and leaned down kissing my forehead

“Get some sleep, love” he said, I looked at him in panic

“Y-you’re not gonna sleep in here with me?” I asked him he looked away biting his lip then shook his head

“I’m sorry Cath, I can’t. I went out and found you, brought you home, took care of you now you need to sleep. I’ll be downstairs on the couch, I just need to be alone tonight Cath” he said I didn't say anything as my heart started aching again, he glanced down at me seeing the pain in my eyes, as it was written all over my face. He pecked my lips as they started quivering

“Goodnight” he whispered and walked away, I started sobbing as he reached the door, he stopped but didn't turn around then he was gone. Just like that. He had shut the door as he went out.
To say I didn't sleep last night wasn't even to begin with. I had cried all night, along with puking. I laid in bed as the sun shined through the window lighting up the room; I had stopped crying three hours ago. I don’t think I slept a minute. I laid curled up in a tight ball my eyes swollen and red; I had dark circles under my eyes, I seen how I looked when I went to the bathroom around 5 AM. My nose was a little stuff. I got up and ran to the bathroom feeling my stomach twisting again, I threw up again, after I brushed my teeth and curled up on the floor just like I did in the bed, and I soon fell asleep like that. I woke up to whispering and curses , I slowly opened my eyes and seen the bathroom door was open and three figures standing there, I hurried and closed my eyes making it look like I was still asleep. John and his parents were in the bathroom

“Get her in the bed and warm, I find her like this again and there will be hell to pay, understood?” His mom whispered mad

“Yes, mom” John said in a low voice

“Kyle, let’s go. You’re talking me out” She said she sounded very annoyed. I heard footsteps leaving the bathroom then a sigh, I then felt arms picking me up, I went limp in his arms, and almost falling back to sleep in the arms I needed to hold me.

“Don’t leave me” I panic when I felt his body away from me, I was looking at him and he was looking down at me. Without saying a word he lay next to me

“Please hold me” I whimpered

“Shhh, I’m here I’m not going anywhere baby. Just sleep” he said kissing my forehead

“No more crying, just breathe and sleep. You need hours of sleep. I’m sorry; I know I made you do this. I did this to you and I’m sorry” he said, I didn't say anything else just closed my eyes as he rubbed my back . . . I woke hours later to an empty bed, I sighed

“Hungry?” I jumped as I thought I as alone I looked up

“Starving” I told him

“Well come eat, dinner just got done” he said I stood up and went and used the bathroom I threw my hair up; the bags under my eyes were gone. I left the bathroom and the bedroom and walked beside John holding his hand as we go down the stairs, we went into the kitchen

“Where’s mom and dad?” I asked him

“Out still, it’s just us” he said pulling two plates and cups down from the cabinet and setting the food down at the table, the food smelt so good, it made me even more hungry. I sat down at the table and started to put food on my plate, we ate in silence for awhile until John broke it

“What guy did you hang with last night?” he asked I sighed

“I don’t want to fight anymore” I told him

“But I need to know” he said I pushed my plate of food away

“Wrong, you WANT to know. You don’t NEED to know. You can’t just go HURT every guy that I hang out with John, you can’t. I know you’ll be mad maybe even hate me if you find out who it really was. Nothing happened between us. All we did was talk and got drunk. It was wrong I already know. I’m sorry. Okay? I really am. Though I know my sorry don’t mean shit anymore. If I could go back and change everything I would. I would have never done it. I regret it. I regret blowing up on you, regret running out and getting trashed, I regret it all. But what’s done is done and I can’t go back to change it.” I told him, he turned to me

“Cath-“he started

“No John, I want to put this behind us and if we can’t then I’m going back home to my family, because all we do is fight and it’s no difference if I’m here or in Ohio” I told him his eyes went wide almost in

“No, you’re not going anywhere, I need you here babe, I’m sorry it’s dropped.” He said I nodded