Second Go

I snuck out of Austin’s room early the next morning. He was still sleeping as I dressed and placed a kiss on his forehead and left the room quietly with tears in my eyes. I had thought everything through long and hard and I had made my decision.

I let myself into Alex’s room and started grabbing my things and packing them into my suitcase. I knew what I was doing was going to be more than a struggle for myself but I knew it had to be done if I wanted a happy future, with or without Austin. He could make up his own mind when the time came.

I heard the door open and close just as I was zipping up my suitcase and I turned teary eyed to face Alex who looked baffled that I was crying.

“R-Rae…what’s wrong?” He asked putting his room key down and pulling me into his arms.

I cried into his shoulder, clutching him to me and not wanting to let go.

“Raegan, what happened?” He asked pulling back slightly so he could look at me.

“I want to go home, Alex.” I said.

“No, Rae. It’s okay. Whatever happened between you and Austin…you don’t need to leave.”

“This isn’t about Austin.” I said pulling away from him and taking a moment to gather myself. “I want to go to a rehab in Baltimore.”

“What?” Alex said looking surprised and impressed at the same time.

“Yeah, I think it’s the only way I’m ever going to get my shit figured out.”

“Rae, you know I’d be more than willing to help you with that.” Alex said pulling me in for another hug. “I’m honestly so proud of you right now.”

“Really?”
“Yeah. I’ve been thinking for a long time it might be a good place but I figured you’d fight me on it if I ever tried.”

“I definitely would have.” I said giggling.

With Alex’s help, I was able to get on the next flight to the US and had an emergency room lined up for me at Hawthorne Rehabilitation Center. I made him promise not to tell anyone I had self-checked into a rehab facility. No matter how much Austin begged. I didn’t want him to know where I was or what I was doing. Alex said I had his word. No matter what.

And that’s what I banked on as I boarded my flight to the East Coast. I cried the whole flight, not sleeping a wink. I couldn’t get the image of Austin waking up by himself, expecting me to be there. Him getting up out of bed and getting dressed, thinking I was with Alan or Alex. I could see the anger pass over his features when Alex told him I had left and didn’t give him a reason. The hurt in his eyes. The hurt I had put there once again.

The Baltimore sky was a dark grey color when we landed on the tarmac, a nice reflection of my current feelings. There I was, pulling my coat closer to my body in the chilly February air, and I was absolutely miserable. I hailed a cab wondering if I was actually going to be able to go through with everything. I already missed Austin terribly. I would have given anything to have been back in Australia with him not talking to me. I realized just to know he was close by had been enough to get me through.

I gave the cabbie the directions to the rehab center and pulled out a scrap piece of paper, finally finding the rest of the words to the song I had started writing on the Brisbane balcony almost a week and a half ago.