Second Go

“And now here we sit in the rehab facility…” I said crossing my arms across my chest. “I’ve told you every single detail about my relationship with Austin, start to finish.”

“And how would you describe your relationship with him now?” My therapist asked, never glancing up from the endless notes she jotted down on her clipboard.

“….Same as I did at the very beginning…” I said beginning to pick at my nails.

“And what’s that?” She asked.

“Red.” I said looking up at her again.

“You keep saying that, what do you mean?” She asked finally looking at me and almost rolling her eyes in annoyance of not understanding me.

“I don’t know. When I think about him, I just see red. He was the best and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in. It was fast, it was passionate, it was frustrating, it was jealousy filled, it was desperate, it was lust, it was love. It was just red.”

“Worst even compared to Nick?”

“Yes!” I said almost laughing as reality started smacking me in the face. “Nick was awful to me. Completely terrible. But what made Austin awful is how much he cared about me. He cared about me so much that I wasn’t able to run from him when things got tough. He changed me, he actually loved me.”

“I’m missing how loving someone is a bad thing?”

“He loved me so much and tried to hard not to let me fuck things up. And I still did. I ruined everything between him and I. I singlehandedly ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“Can I leave?” I asked standing up feeling the sudden need to get out of the room.

“Raegan, please sit. You need to learn to stop running from things when they get too hard.”
Slowly I sank back into my chair, my body pulsating. I just wanted to get out of that room so bad and get somewhere where I could breathe and let my latest series of revelations sink in.

A little over one month had passed when I was released. One month. The steps I had taken in my recovery process had been outstanding according to my therapist and I had truly shown that I was ready to take steps toward a better spot in life.

With new tools for dealing with my anxiety under my belt, I felt certain I wouldn’t have to return to another of these facilities again. I couldn’t have waited any longer to get my hands on my phone and my guitar.

I threw myself on Alex as soon as I saw him waiting for me in the lobby. I sobbed into his shoulder so happy to see a familiar face and get back into some normalcy. He helped me drag my limited belongings into his car and we drove back to his apartment with the windows down in the warm spring air.

“How was it in there?” He asked smiling over at me. “You seem like you’re in a much better spot, Rae. Physically and emotionally. You look really good and really healthy.”

“It was okay. Definitely had its ups and downs. I realized I run from things a lot and I learned new ways of dealing with things and stuff.”

“I’m so happy to see you!” He said sending me an award winning smile that I happily returned.

I pulled out my phone and quickly typed out a text to Alan.

“Heyyyy you sexy ginger! Where are you & when can I come see you?!”

It wasn’t long before I had a response from him.

“You sure do have amazing timing, Rae!! Hahahaha We’re in Ohio, some shit hit the fan. I don’t think it’s a good idea to come right now.”

“Hey, have you talked to anyone in Of Mice recently?” I asked Alex over the radio.

“Uh, not directly, no. Why?” He asked.

“Alan said something happened and it wasn’t a good idea for me to come see them right now…” I said giving Alex a worried glance.

“He’s probably exaggerating.” Alex laughed.

Just then his phone started ringing, Jack’s name on the screen. “Hello?” He asked answering it on his Bluetooth that went through the car speakers.

“Hey, uh, I have some news. Is Rae in the car?”

“Yeah, she’s right here.” Alex said as we exchanged a look.

“Dude, I just saw this on Twitter. I have no details yet, but it looks like Austin beat the fuck out of someone the other night. He was arrested. You may not want to tel-“

“WHAT?!” I screamed at display screen on the dashboard.

“Fuckin’ Bluetooth…” Jack mumbled. “I was just going to say you shouldn’t tell her yet.”

“Jack, you better tell me everything you know right now…” I said.

“I don’t know anything, Rae. All I know is he was arrested for assault charges.”

“Rae, calm down. We’ll figure this out. Relax…okay?” Alex said looking over at me and trying to calm me down. I slowly nodded my head and took some deep breaths. Trying to remember everything I had just spent the last few weeks trying to master.