Sequel: The Red Flops Goes to Disneyland ›
The Wizard of ahhs
the wizard of ahhs
Our Players:
The Cowardly Lion (Fanny Ramirez)
The Tin Man (Jason Fairytek)
The Scarecrow (David Roiditz)
Dorothy (Nancy Drew)
Toto (Julio Yugo)
The Wizard (Theo Epstein)
We pick up our play at the point where the Cowardly Lion, The Tin Man, The Scraecrow, Dorothy and Toto have made their way to the Red Flops front office palace and they are demanding to see the Wizard.
The Cowardly Lion is seeking the COURAGE to actually play baseball without having to resort to ficticious knee injuries. The Tin Man is seeeking the HEART to actually start a fight with the Yankees without having to wear a mask. The Scarecrow is looking for a BRAIN so he can speak to reporters without putting his foot in his mouth. Dorothy just wants to go to her home with her $70 million without having to play a full baseball season. Toto will setlle for distemper shots so he won't slap around his beyotch girfriends anymore.
Our scene opens:
Wizard - Pay no attention to that man in the gorilla suit.
Dorothy - Oh, Mr. Wizard, we have come an awful long way and we have brought you the broom that Yankee fans used to sweep us five straight at Fenway last season. We deserve to have our wishes granted.
Wizard - Very well then. Let me see what I can do for you. Lion come here. Hey, did you pee on my green wall? Well, nevermind. Come here.
Lion - Ow, my knee, my knee.
Wizard - Now Lion, your knee does not hurt and we know it never really did. In order to have the courage to play a full major league season and face those Yankees you will need something far more important than courage. I have here a medal declaring you the most courageous Hispanic left fielder in Red Flops history.
Lion - But I am the only Hispanic left fielder in Red Flops history.
Wizard - Shut up and just go with me. With the great powers of Ahhhs vested in me by John Henry and his heavy wallet I do so declare.
Lion - Owwww! The pin hurt my chest. I am bleeding.
Dorothy - Just rub some dirt on it Lion, just like I do.
Lion - Thank you, mighty Wizard.
Wizard - Tin Man. You're next.
Tin Man - Yes, Wizard.
Wizard - You have been involved in many on-field incidents with the Yankees but you have done it with your mask on. Shame on you. You just lack heart, son.
Tin Man - Uh-huh!
Wizard - Because you have lacked heart all along I will give you this armor-plated heart you can slide under your chest protector. This will allow you to remove your mask and fight like a man against the Yankees.
Tin Man - What if I don't wanna fight like a man?
Toto : Bark, bark, bark!
Dorothy - Toto says if you don't he will beyotch slap you like he does all his women.
Tin Man - Oh, all right. I will wear it and fight like a man.
Wizard - That leaves my friend, the Scarecrow.
Scarecrow - What you got fer me Wiz?
Wizard - I have got for you the Brain you have sought. We know you say so many stupid things that you do not mean. It has cost you MVP Awards. But this honorary degree from the Curt Schilling I Can Talk To Baseball Writers About Anything Even Though I Know Nothing Institute will give you the brain you need. Here you go!
Scarecrow - Thank you, Wizard. I feel smarter already. I now see why my statistics and the fact I DH make me a lesser player compared to Justin Morneau and Derek Jeter. Whoa! Amazing!
Tin Man - But what about Dorothy?
Lion - Yeah, what about Dorothy?
Wizard - Oh, yes. Dorothy. I have spoken with your agent, the Wicked Witch of the Boras and he informs me your shoulder is sound and you deserve $70 million. In retrun you want to be able go home and languish on the disabled list anytime you feel a twinge.
Poor sissy boy, Dorothy. You have had that ability all the time. All you have to do is click those ruby red baseball cleats together three times and say "There is no place like the DL, there is no place like the DL, there is no place like the DL. "
Dorothy moves forward, grabbing her little dog companion Toto and she clicks her cleats three times . She then is transported to her home where she is watching a crucial Yankees-Red Sox series on her Sony Bravia big screen TV with surround sound.
"Boy, Toto. I am sure glad we missed this train wreck of a series. The Yankees are up 8-0 and they are now on their way to another sweep. And we are not there to help.
"But do we care? Not with the power of the Wizard of Ahhs and the ability to collect John Henry's money by sitting our lazy rear ends."
Toto barks and Dorothy laughs
The End!
The Cowardly Lion (Fanny Ramirez)
The Tin Man (Jason Fairytek)
The Scarecrow (David Roiditz)
Dorothy (Nancy Drew)
Toto (Julio Yugo)
The Wizard (Theo Epstein)
We pick up our play at the point where the Cowardly Lion, The Tin Man, The Scraecrow, Dorothy and Toto have made their way to the Red Flops front office palace and they are demanding to see the Wizard.
The Cowardly Lion is seeking the COURAGE to actually play baseball without having to resort to ficticious knee injuries. The Tin Man is seeeking the HEART to actually start a fight with the Yankees without having to wear a mask. The Scarecrow is looking for a BRAIN so he can speak to reporters without putting his foot in his mouth. Dorothy just wants to go to her home with her $70 million without having to play a full baseball season. Toto will setlle for distemper shots so he won't slap around his beyotch girfriends anymore.
Our scene opens:
Wizard - Pay no attention to that man in the gorilla suit.
Dorothy - Oh, Mr. Wizard, we have come an awful long way and we have brought you the broom that Yankee fans used to sweep us five straight at Fenway last season. We deserve to have our wishes granted.
Wizard - Very well then. Let me see what I can do for you. Lion come here. Hey, did you pee on my green wall? Well, nevermind. Come here.
Lion - Ow, my knee, my knee.
Wizard - Now Lion, your knee does not hurt and we know it never really did. In order to have the courage to play a full major league season and face those Yankees you will need something far more important than courage. I have here a medal declaring you the most courageous Hispanic left fielder in Red Flops history.
Lion - But I am the only Hispanic left fielder in Red Flops history.
Wizard - Shut up and just go with me. With the great powers of Ahhhs vested in me by John Henry and his heavy wallet I do so declare.
Lion - Owwww! The pin hurt my chest. I am bleeding.
Dorothy - Just rub some dirt on it Lion, just like I do.
Lion - Thank you, mighty Wizard.
Wizard - Tin Man. You're next.
Tin Man - Yes, Wizard.
Wizard - You have been involved in many on-field incidents with the Yankees but you have done it with your mask on. Shame on you. You just lack heart, son.
Tin Man - Uh-huh!
Wizard - Because you have lacked heart all along I will give you this armor-plated heart you can slide under your chest protector. This will allow you to remove your mask and fight like a man against the Yankees.
Tin Man - What if I don't wanna fight like a man?
Toto : Bark, bark, bark!
Dorothy - Toto says if you don't he will beyotch slap you like he does all his women.
Tin Man - Oh, all right. I will wear it and fight like a man.
Wizard - That leaves my friend, the Scarecrow.
Scarecrow - What you got fer me Wiz?
Wizard - I have got for you the Brain you have sought. We know you say so many stupid things that you do not mean. It has cost you MVP Awards. But this honorary degree from the Curt Schilling I Can Talk To Baseball Writers About Anything Even Though I Know Nothing Institute will give you the brain you need. Here you go!
Scarecrow - Thank you, Wizard. I feel smarter already. I now see why my statistics and the fact I DH make me a lesser player compared to Justin Morneau and Derek Jeter. Whoa! Amazing!
Tin Man - But what about Dorothy?
Lion - Yeah, what about Dorothy?
Wizard - Oh, yes. Dorothy. I have spoken with your agent, the Wicked Witch of the Boras and he informs me your shoulder is sound and you deserve $70 million. In retrun you want to be able go home and languish on the disabled list anytime you feel a twinge.
Poor sissy boy, Dorothy. You have had that ability all the time. All you have to do is click those ruby red baseball cleats together three times and say "There is no place like the DL, there is no place like the DL, there is no place like the DL. "
Dorothy moves forward, grabbing her little dog companion Toto and she clicks her cleats three times . She then is transported to her home where she is watching a crucial Yankees-Red Sox series on her Sony Bravia big screen TV with surround sound.
"Boy, Toto. I am sure glad we missed this train wreck of a series. The Yankees are up 8-0 and they are now on their way to another sweep. And we are not there to help.
"But do we care? Not with the power of the Wizard of Ahhs and the ability to collect John Henry's money by sitting our lazy rear ends."
Toto barks and Dorothy laughs
The End!