Yesterday

five years ago...

The rain is relentless. At most times I would've cringed at the thought of ever having to walk through the falling raindrops. Afraid that my hair would get so wet that it'd be impossible to uncurl. Today, hair is the least of my worries.

The familiar sound of the water making contact with the pavement brings up memories. Now I know that I will forever despise this season. The harsh winter conditions, the immense gusts of wind and the endless pouring of rain. Not only because of the bad weather but because winter would remind me of so many things. Things that I would want to forget.

I stand on my front porch, watching everyone run towards the two awaiting cars parked in front of my house. They hold wide umbrellas above their heads and clamber frantically into the vehicles. Several of my family members carry full carton boxes and heavy suitcases to place inside the boot but I don't bother to help them. It wasn't my choice to leave and I sure as hell will not give them the satisfaction of obliging.

"Eden come in already!" my mother yells poking her head through the open car window.

Ignoring her pleas, I slowly walk down the three concrete steps, taking as much time as possible. Saying goodbye to the only home you've ever known isn't simple. Wolverhampton is the place I grew up in; the place where I started and finished school; and made friends that I hope I'll know for a long time.

I pull my luggage behind me and pause right in front of the house. I turn around to properly face the home I've been living in for the past nineteen years of my life. You couldn't just throw all that away with such ease.

Rainwater drops down on my hair, clothes and suitcase - probably wetting my belongings but I don't care. I bend my neck backwards to gaze up at the sky, feeling the waterworks come in. The tears quickly mingle with the rain and I'm glad my parents can't see me crying or will even realize I have.

A hand grabs me by the arm and I am forced to turn back around. I see familiar brown eyes - but they aren't the brown orbs I ache to see, they don't give that sense of warmth and they definitely do not reciprocate the emotions swirling uncontrollably within me.

I angrily rip my arm out of his hold. The temptation to break down is there. I simply want to fall onto the pavement, cry and scream to let the whole world know the pain of leaving someone. The pain of knowing you can't love them. The pain of losing someone.

The urge is just too much and I forget about my pride. My parents should see how much this affects me. Why would I care if they think I'm weak? Right, I want them to see me strong and unbreakable. I don't want to give them the idea that they control my feelings. But it hurts so much.

I let myself fall onto the man who is supposed to be carrying my heart. The man who I'm supposed to be in love with. I sob into the crook of his shoulder and tightly wrap my arms around his neck. It isn't his body I want to feel against me, it isn't his arms I want to embrace me, it isn't his scent I want to intoxicate me.

"It's okay Eden," he mumbles sweetly. And it isn't his voice I want to hear whisper in my ear.

After a few more minutes of crying, I pull myself away from him. The concern etched into his face sickens me. I know he isn't worried about my feelings, he doesn't care if I'm hurt or if I feel alone. There are only two reasons as to why he is comforting me.

One, he wants to show my parents that he is worthy of having me. That he better than any other person in the world. That he's the man I should be with. Two, he needs to make sure that I'm okay and that I'm still in a capable condition. So that I am able to continue with their plan.

I wipe my eyes with my left hand and grimace. Taking a look at my fingers, a surge of disgust wells in my stomach. The space between my fourth finger and knuckle should be empty. But alas, could I ever get my wish granted?