Anywhere but Here

They were just kids in love.

They grew up together. From the very beginning, it was always “Jack and Alex did this” or “you’ll never guess what Alex and Jack did.” It was rare to hear one of their names without the other. They were the best of friends.

Except, like everyone around them predicted would happen eventually, they turned into more than friends their sophomore year. Not that they told anyone. It was their school’s worst-kept secret, but Alex wasn’t ready to come out so Jack agreed that they wouldn’t tell anybody until he was ready. Truth be told, Jack was fully aware that everyone already knew they were together, but whatever helped Alex sleep at night, right?

They dated for a couple years. By then, Alex caught on to the fact that so many people were suspicious. He still wasn’t ready to come out. He and Jack were on a date and he asked, “Do you think maybe we should back off a little?”

Jack had tilted his head to the side like he always did when he was confused. “What do you mean?”

Alex sighed. Wasn’t that a pretty clear question? “I mean, people are starting to ask questions. I think they know there’s something going on between us.”

“Something going on between us?” Jack repeated flatly. You’d think that after two years together, they could be defined as more than something going on between us.

“Jack, I’m just…I’m still not ready to tell anyone.”

“Mmhmm.” He didn’t know where exactly this was going, but he was sure he didn’t like it.

“I think we should spend some time apart, just so they don’t get the wrong idea.”

Oh god, that stung. Holy fuck. “The wrong idea? Alex, explain to me how that’s the ‘wrong idea’ when it’s exactly what’s going on?” he demanded through gritted teeth, trying to be more angry than hurt. Because after that, he didn’t mind if Alex thought he was mad…but if that was how Alex was going to look at things, there was no way he’d let him see him cry.

“’Cause I don’t want them to know. And until the rumors die down or I’m ready to just admit it, I think it’s for the best that we take a break.”

“You know what, Alex?” Jack stood up. “I love you, I really do, but if you’re so ashamed to be with me that it’s not worth weathering a few rumors and suspicious looks from people whose opinions don’t really matter in the long run, then maybe it’s not worth it for me to stick around and wait on you to be ready.” He wanted Alex to tell him to stay. He was hoping that the threat of them breaking up for real would be the jolt back to reality that he needed to make up his minds.

Alex didn’t think before he spoke, and for years he would regret the next three words he said.

“Maybe it’s not.”

That was all Jack needed. “Well, bye then. Guess I’ll see you around.” His voice was already thick with tears as he turned and left.

——

Now, Alex was laying on his bed, thinking about their relationship. That’s what he always did when he had free time, which was why he tried to occupy as much of his time as possible.

There were frequent sleepovers—because they were best friends, and best friends could have sleepovers whenever they wanted to. Jack fell asleep in his arms so often, and Alex felt so whole those nights, like he was a puzzle and Jack was the final piece. Corny and cliché way to put it, but that was the only way he could describe it.

Young love is such dumb love. They were young. Surely they didn’t know what love was. Alex sure as hell hadn’t. But it just seemed like the right thing to say, like he was supposed to suddenly blurt I love you, Jack during an episode of How I Met Your Mother, even though he didn’t understand the concept of love at all. The words sounded right coming out…and he did mean it, at least he thought he did. (Could you honestly mean something even if you didn’t actually fully grasp what it was you’d just said?) But maybe Jack did know what it meant; he’d looked so sincere the night they broke up when he told him he loved him. So sincere and in so much pain.

Pain that Alex caused.

He remembered the summer before they broke up. Alex and his parents went on vacation to the beach and invited Jack along. They’d snuck out one night and gotten a little drunk. They stumbled down the beach, holding hands and walking down the beach, trying to count the stars, giving up after seventeen and a half (an airplane that they thought was a star).

Jack had grown his hair out that year, so it was long enough that when the wind picked up, it blew all around his head. That, combined with his smile, was enough to make Alex swoon. God, what he wouldn’t give to have those days back.

How could he have done that? What was he thinking, suggesting a break? Everyone knows that break is just sensitive code for break-up. Sure, he’d hated the rumors, but he could’ve (should’ve) learned to live with them. Who ends a relationship because of judgmental stares and the thought of the truth getting out about who he really was? Was he really that uncomfortable with himself? But now he was more comfortable with himself…

Could they pick up the pieces of what they once had?

No, of course they couldn’t, Alex thought bitterly. It was far too late to even consider that. Everything was so different now, and there wasn’t a chance in hell that they could ever end up back together. Not with the way things were right now. It was stupid to even let the thought cross his mind.

But what if they did…

He was pulled from the memories and wishful thinking by his phone vibrating in his pocket. For one fleeting, hopeful fraction of an instant, he thought it might be Jack. But then he slid it out and saw that it was only Lisa. “Hey,” he mumbled, attempting to not sound as disinterested as he felt. No sense starting a fight with her right now.

“Hey! You were supposed to meet me ten minutes ago to go to the party. I’m getting impatient,” she whined. It was that high-pitched whine that usually only little kids could master, where the vowels resonate enough that you think your ears are going to explode into a million pieces.

Alex sighed and rolled off the bed. He’d forgotten it completely, that they were going to a party tonight… Oops. He quickly threw on some clothes and within two minutes, he was leaving to meet up with his girlfriend.