Anywhere but Here

Yesterday had not gone as well as Alex had hoped.

Why had he even set himself up to believe that it would actually work out in his favor? He’d fucked Jack over pretty badly…he didn’t have any reason to take him back. But still, he’d been so hopeful about the whole thing, like he’d just assumed that just because he still had feelings for him, Jack would come running back to him. Kind of selfish. Alex held in the tears and picked up his phone.

It was not guilt that prompted him to call Lisa and ask her to come meet him. It was not guilt nagging him, telling him that he had to tell her what happened. It was not guilt that made him get out of bed, put on some decent clothes, and clean up just enough that the door would properly open before she got there. (That one was just that he needed to occupy his mind.)

No, it was the fact that he was sick of lying. Lying to her, lying to everyone else, and most of all, lying to himself. He was going to tell her what happened and be completely honest with her—his first time being honest with anyone in a long time.

The door flew open and there she was, smiling blindingly. “What’d you need to talk about, sweetie?”

God, he hated when she called him that. He hated every pet name she used for him, actually. Not that he’d ever told her that. There were a lot of things he’d never told her. “This is really hard to say, but I…”

“You what?” she prompted, still smiling. Uh-oh…did she think he was about to say that he loved her? Well, shit.

“I cheated on you,” he said calmly.

“You what?!” This time, her voice was different. It was less of a flirty giggle and more of an infuriated shriek.

“I cheated on you,” he repeated. “With, uh, with a guy.”

And then she laughed. “Oh my god, you almost had me there, Alex.” Uh-oh. She thought he was joking. “I really thought that you—” She caught sight of his face. “Wait, are you serious?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I, um, I don’t know how to sugarcoat this, but I’m gay.”

Lisa picked up the nearest object—which, unfortunately enough, was Alex’s room mate’s dictionary—and hurled it at him, just barely missing. “You date me,” she screamed, grabbing another book—damn Rian for leaving them lying around like that—and throwing it at him, and he dodged it. “For over a year.” The next book she tossed hit his collarbone at the perfect angle, making him stumble backwards. He didn’t show that it hurt, just ignored the pain. No sense letting her know. “Just to tell me.” She stormed up to him, getting right in his face. “That you’re GAY?!” She was breathing heavily, anger evident in her eyes. “How long?”

“How long what?” Alex asked cautiously. He didn’t want her to start throwing stuff again. He could already feel a bruise forming from where he’d been hit.

She looked stumped for a second, like she didn’t actually know what she was asking. “I dunno. How long have you been cheating? How long have you been gay? No, how long have you known that you’re gay?”

“I only cheated once,” he swore. Truth. “I, I don’t know. I guess I’ve been gay my whole life. I seriously—”

“That’s not what I asked. How long have you known that you’re gay?” she asked again.

He didn’t want to answer it, but before he knew what was happening, he was rambling like the floodgates had opened. “Okay, so I dated this great guy named Jack—I think you may know him—for two years when we were in high school, and I was sort of in love with him then and even before we started dating I really liked him. I hadn’t really liked a girl or anything before that, but I was embarrassed, so I broke up with him because I wasn’t ready to come out and I tried to make myself straight and kissed a few girls and finally ended up with you last year. Your question was how long have I known. Um, I guess that I’ve known for a long time, but I just kept denying it because I was embarrassed.”

Lisa took a few seconds to process what the hell he’d just said. When it clicked, her irritation was reignited. “You’ve known all along that you were gay and you were just using me? And then you go and cheat with your ex boyfriend?”

Well, yeah, that was exactly what happened. And props for figuring out that he cheated with Jack. Now, how could he phrase that so it didn’t make him come across as a dick?

Okay, maybe there wasn’t a good way to phrase it.

“I’m going to tell everyone,” she said, venom dripping from her words.

“Please don’t,” Alex whispered. “You can say whatever you want about me, but Jack has a boyfriend, and as much as I want him back, I don’t want to fuck up his happiness.” As he said it, he realized it was true. While it was hurting him to see Jack happy with someone that wasn’t him, it would kill him to see him miserable again, especially if he was the one that caused it.

Perhaps the first selfless moment Alex had had in his life.

Was he making a turn-around?

“Fine. I won’t mention that part. But mark my words, this whole fucking school is going to know that you’re gay,” she told him before leaving and slamming the door behind her. The entire building vibrated for a few seconds.

The funny thing about college is that people care a lot less than they do in high school. Maybe it’s because you’re all more spread out and there’s thousands of people as opposed to a few hundred, but nobody really seems to give a damn is somebody’s gay or straight (unless they wake up in the same bed; then they probably want to know). So Alex wasn’t worried about the fallout from her broadcasting his sexuality, ‘cause really, who was gonna give a fuck?

He had to believe her when she said she wouldn’t divulge the details of him cheating. No matter how guilty he felt for how he treated Jack in high school, it would be worse if he messed up his current relationship.

When Lisa was gone, Alex started crying. It wasn’t because they were (finally) over; he should’ve been overjoyed about that. It was because Alex wanted Jack and Jack had someone to call his and Alex was left with no one. Alex was truly alone, and there was nobody to blame but himself.

But wait. He wasn’t tied down by Lisa anymore. He could pursue Jack again. Alex wiped the tears off his face and rubbed at the sore spot on his collarbone where he’d been hit with the book. He was going to give this all he had this time.

He was going to win Jack back.