Before I Wake

I let out an aggravated sigh, my hot breath causing my hair to flutter upward. I've spent all day at the hospital, performing test after test, awaiting to learn of my progress. I've been pricked with more needles than a damn pin cushion and I was feeling incredibly weak, having not been able to put nutrition into my body for a number of hours. If these results weren't what we were looking for, I would have no choice but to remove the very thing inside of me that was meant to create life. And it terrified me.

Spending what has now added up to countless hours laying in a hospital bed, my mind has been prone to wander during my time here. The chemo was taking its toll on me, my body beginning to weaken. I felt like a bag of bones, having lost so much weight. My hair was thinning and I was sure it was only a matter of time before it all fell out. I felt pale and disgusting, though Zack somehow was the only one who still made me feel beautiful and he didn't even have a clue as to what was going on. I hadn't seen him in quite some time and it was making me restless. But, I was not the only one who cancer was taking a blow at; Chelsea was crumbling.

"Thank you," I whispered to Chelsea, catching her attention. She had been eager to join me, wanting to be here when I received what would be my, "kick ass news", or so she tried to convince me. She gave me a soft smile from the small, green chair where she was trying to sleep, before closing her eyes once more as she returned to her previous position.

I watched her for a moment, relishing in the fact that she looked peaceful for the first time in weeks. I let out a soft sigh, the feeling of guilt washing over me. Chelsea, with her stubborn wit and her immense amount of determination, my best friend, the one I always look up to, was breaking. Cracks were surfacing in her hard exterior and she was doing everything in her power to hide it from me.

Accompanying me on my sessions and being here was not an easy task, and I knew this. The added stress she was feeling put a vice around my heart and the overwhelming feeling of guilt was a constant shadow hanging over me. This is why I didn't want anyone to know.

My thoughts were cut short as Dr. Kyle made her way into the room, clipboard in hand and a soft smile on her face. Her long hair was tied up in a loose bun, trails of hair framing her face and her bright blue eyes were shining as she looked at me. Chelsea threw one of her eyes open, picking herself up and upright when she realized who it was. I did the same, straightening myself into a sitting position.

"Afternoon, ladies," Dr. Kyle drawled, her Southern accent coming through. Chelsea and I sent her a small smile, greeting her quickly. She made her way toward me, skimming through my papers. The knot that I had been feeling deep within me seemed to tighten as I noticed her furrow her eyebrows while pouring over my paperwork. I sent Chelsea a nervous glance, seeing her watching Dr. Kyle with close eyes.

"Something wrong?" I whispered, the fear evident in my voice. Chelsea threw a quick glance in my direction, worry appearing in her eyes.

"Actually," she began, wide smile appearing on her face. "Quite the opposite." I looked at her in confusion, waiting for her to continue. The knot in my stomach squeezed tighter, awaiting for her to explain. Chelsea looked at her wide-eyed, the eagerness written on her face. Was she going to say what I was hoping to hear?

She sent me a soft smile, placing the clipboard at the end of my bed. "Alaine," She began, walking toward me. My heart was racing and I just wanted her to spit it out. "Your cancer has began to show signs of remission." The knot within me became undone, along with myself. The sob that escaped my mouth was one I was not expecting and I immediately threw my hand over my mouth to quell the noise.

I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My previous exhaustion and weakness seemed to completely disappear, replaced with only pure elation. Immediately my thoughts were focused on Zack. Oh, my god. There is actually a possibility that I can be with this kid now.

Zack and the boys were going to be performing in a few weeks and I felt a rush of excitement at the fact that I knew know I would be attending for certain, finally feeling in good health. The thought of seeing him perform caused butterflies to escape into my chest and I loved it.

Chelsea threw herself at me, tears cascading down her face. She squeezed me tightly, her warm embrace sending chills up my body. Remission? I felt myself grinning uncontrollably, seeing Dr. Kyle grinning like a mad woman over Chelsea's auburn curls. I shook my head in disbelief, I had done it. I had really fought through this.

"Holy shit," I laughed, or cried, I wasn't sure. Chelsea pulled away, the smile still adorning her face. I wiped my tears away, laughing at what I thought would never happen.

"Now," Dr. Kyle began, her voice taking on a bit of a serious note. "Your cells are showing signs of remission, but, we need to keep an eye on them." I nodded, completely understanding.

"We plan to move on to more intense chemotherapy, just to be certain the infected cells don't return. We will start that in a few days and see results almost immediately." I let out a sigh, nodding, knowing full well that I still a long battle ahead of me, but, I was gaining the upper hand.

"But," She smiled, easing some of my worry. "Things are looking good." She nodded once more, exiting the room and leaving us to rejoice alone.

The silence I had been feeling, the darkness that had been eating me alive, had been lifted. All the answers I had been waiting for, while there were still some, were slowly being answered. No, things weren't perfect, but, what was?

I sent Chelsea a quick glance, seeing the cracks that had begun to show, slowly fill. I still had a long battle, but, the silence was lifting. Its deafening noise no longer being heard.