Before I Wake

The sound of tires crunching under gravel released me from my thoughts, causing my gaze to shift upward. Chelsea was looking at me from the inside of her Jeep, a grave expression written behind her tired eyes. I forced myself off the curb, stumbling a bit, causing Chelsea to roll her eyes. I entered the car in silence, the exhaustion hitting me full force the moment I placed myself into the seat.

Chelsea said nothing, instead putting the car into drive and heading home, various emotions swimming over her face. She looked, well, she looked utterly exhausted. Her hair fell down her back in wet knots and her eyes were sunken in, no longer holding the shine they used to. Something was off, I just didn't know what. I narrowed my eyes for a moment, only to have them widen in shock moments later as I noticed the dark, ugly hickey forming on her neck. Clearly, she had a better night than I did.

"What happened, Alaine?" She whispered, her voice void of any emotion. It broke me out of my observation, thrusting me back into reality. I let out a small sigh, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose, willing my headache to cease. "I fucked up, Chelsea." I mumbled, feeling the raw emotion present itself once more. She nodded, wanting me to continue.

"We both got really drunk, went back to his apartment, said some stupid shit, did some fucking kissing, and then I had to go and knock over my fucking purse," I let out a scoff, irritated at my complete stupidity. Chelsea said nothing, taking in my quick version of my night. "I knocked it over and what do ya know, my pain pills decided to make an entrance right onto his fucking floor."

I felt the tears well up in my eyes once more and I let out an aggravated sigh, hoping I had had no tears left to shed. "He told me he loved me, Chelsea." I whispered, my voice cracking. "He said the words I had always been dying to hear and I messed it up." Her face filled with confusion for a moment, contemplating something.

"Alaine," She began, her gaze focused on the road ahead of her. "You would have had to tell him about the cancer eventually." I said nothing, instead crossing my arms. Those were not the words I were expecting.

She looked at me briefly, agitation written on her face. "You don't expect me to believe that you never planned on fucking tell him," She scoffed.

"Maybe I did," I growled, feeling the agitation grow inside of me. I knew I would tell him one day, but, last night was not the night I had planned. A snarl formed on her face and I immediately knew things were about to get so much worse. How had our conversation turned to this?

"You know," She began, picking up speed. "Sometimes you are so fucking selfish. Zack stuck by you, even after all the shit you put him through," I felt my jaw drop, not believing the words that were coming out of her mouth. I went to snap back, but she beat me to it. "Zack only ever wanted to be there for you, Alaine and you pay him back by keeping a secret this big."

"You never said a fucking thing, Chelsea!" I snarled, my mind suddenly clear. Trees were racing past at a breakneck speed now and I knew we were almost home, suddenly the last place I wanted to be.

"I was pissed when I found out you didn't tell him, are you kidding?" Her grip was tight on the steering wheel, her knuckles white. "I thought you would have told him by now, Alaine. I mean, really."

"And that makes me fucking selfish? Because I wasn't ready to tell the guy I'm in love with that I was fucking dying? Right." I scoffed, digging my nails into my palms, trying to control my anger.

She let out a dry laugh, pulling into the driveway, snatching the keys out of the ignition before turning her gaze to me. Her eyes were full of raw emotion, sending a shiver down my spine.

"You're selfish because you didn't tell Zack or me, Alaine. We had to find out ourselves."
I narrowed my eyes, wanting nothing more than to reach across the seat and slap her across the face. Her words were completely true, but, I didn't want to hear them right now. I didn't want to hear the truth, I wanted a best friend to cry to and vent. Chelsea was always a 'tough love', kind of girl, but, right now, I wish she knew how to act like an emotional girl.

The words were forming on my lips before I could stop them, the bubbling anger and frustration coming out in one, quick snap. "You know," I snapped at her, causing her to scowl.

"I called you so many fucking times, eager for my best friend to understand and allow me to cry on her shoulder, but, instead, you were getting fucked by your loser boyfriend, some friend." I growled, throwing my hand in the direction of her hickey.

Something inside of her snapped and I knew that I had just done something that couldn't be undone. She had been in striking position, like a snake ready to spring and I knew I had gotten too close and just been bitten. The look in her eyes was one of pure hatred as she stepped out of the vehicle, her eyes flaming.

"You know what, Alaine, go fuck yourself." She snarled, her voice coated with venom, causing a sharp pain to enter my heart. She slammed the door, causing the entire car to shake. I watched her go, stalking into the apartment, the anger and sense of betrayal coming off of her in waves.

I fucked up, big time. The tears rolled down my face once more, unable to stop them. The two people who had always been there for me, who loved me the most, were no longer willing to fight by my side and I was the only one to blame.